Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Maybe I Can't Handle Her Truth

Last night was the premiere of "Chaotic," the UPN reality show about Britney Spears and serial baby-maker Kevin Federline. Not since the "Vasectomy" episode of the documentary program "The Operation" have I been so simultaneously repulsed, fascinated, and riveted by a tv show.

The first episode is called "Can You Handle My Truth," and said "truth" is revealed via hand-held video footage of Brit's 2004 Onyx Hotel tour. The beginning part of the show is pre-Federline, so there's lots of talking to lackeys and underlings about their thoughts on marriage, love, commitment, and favorite sexual positions. Brit makes a few jokes about her quickie Las Vegas mini-marriage, much to the amusement of her family, I'm sure. I, for one, enjoyed them immensely.

Britney's southern accent waxes and wanes to a disturbing degree throughout the show. Sometimes it is for comic effect (she likes to make funny faces at the camera and pretend she's just a normal country gal, ya'll) and sometimes she just can't help it. It tends to go away when she's trying to be "deep," as when she attempts to analyze the meaning of a piece of artwork in her fancy ginormous London hotel suite ("I think this lady on top is lookin' for love, and this little one down on the bottom is tryin' to help her").

There is potentially valuable historic footage that might be important to later generations, as it shows what may very well be the last time Britney Spears ever worked out, as she is filmed running on a treadmill in her hotel room.

Finally, after all the sex and love chit-chat, Britney can't stand it anymore and flies in K-Fed to service her special needs. We see the Federline in all his droopy-panted glory, saying things like "love is deeper than sex...it goes a lot deeper." He gives the camera a meaningful look when he says "deeper." Ewww! Gross!

There's lots of frolicking and showing K-Fed showering, and best of all, scenes of her bodyguards and handlers basically accusing the Federline of being a gold-digging hanger-on. Hurrah for bodyguards!

The most frightening part of the show was the night-vision-lens footage of the happy couple making out in the dark. It was like a combination of "One Night in Paris" and "The Silence of the Lambs," but not in a good way.

Next week the bodyguard calls K-Fed a "punk" and warns Britney about him! Yee-haw, ya'll!

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