Monday, May 02, 2005

Genius, Thy Name is James

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RUN, do not walk, over to the WOW Report site to read James St. James' spectacularly hysterical review of the GLAAD Awards' tribute to Ms. Liza Minelli. It is long, but every word is worth reading. Here's one of my favorite parts, about craaaaazy Brittany Murphy's introduction of Liza:
OH. MY. GOD. She managed to turn her (obviously self-written) introduction into an edge-of-your-seat, oh-no-she-didn’t, what-in-the-hell-was-that, tour de force/ homage that revealed far more about the precarious state of Brittany’s mind than her knowledge of Liza’s life.

It was Train Wreck Theater of the most glorious kind. Her excessively high-spirited gushing (i.e. “sniff, sniff,” some say) was completely over-the-top. Just bat-shit bonkers. Full of creepy, obsessive, Liza-stalking stuff that often teetered into total “needy actress/please treat this as an audition/I’ll let you beat me” territory. She was playing the role of QUIRKY STAR, BRITTANY MURPHY to the hilt. And she seemed to like how it was going. Why, sometimes it seemed the beauty of her own words, coupled with her killer sincerity, might actually bring her to tears. She was THAT TAKEN with herself.

The high point came when she felt the need to explain to us JUST WHAT MAKES LIZA SO SPECIAL. She – Luanne from KING OF THE HILL – was going to deconstruct the Liza Mystique to the most jaded, hard-core, campest queens in all of Hollywood. You know, in case they’d never thought about it before. Well, you might be shocked to know that we love her for her triumphs and tragedies, her fabulous comebacks, her kooky fashion sense, her unique vocal stylings, and because her mother was The. Judy. Garland. who publicly struggled with her inner demons for decades. And (BIG IDEA COMING) because we see Liza as a mirror image, struggling with the same demons.

And this is just the intro, people! Get ready, because:
Just as my heart couldn’t take any more excitement, Liza got up onstage and EMOTED, as only Liza can do. And HER "quirky actress" blew Brittany’s "quirky actress" right out of the water. And Liza doing "sincerity" was better than Brittany’s old "sincerity" any day.

Frailty, thy name is DIVA.

Her voice cracked, right on cue. She stumbled for the right words, as I’m sure she practiced stumbling for months. She "suddenly" remembered a story about "Mama" that was both bawdy and humanizing for both of them (hint: it takes place in A PUBLIC RESTROOM! CAN YOU IMAGINE?). She gave a great Liza guffaw at the memory. Then her eyes began dripping with tears, as she confessed how nervous she was. She TRIED to be all glamorous, you know, but gosh darn it, she’s just no good at all this speechifyin’… (PAUSE)

“But I CAN sing” she said. (WINK)


With that, a piano glided onto the stage and she launched into “What Makes a Man a Man?” a dreary and dated little ditty, sung from the point of view of a world-weary drag queen suffering from …. Oh I don’t know what the fuck s/he’s moaning about, but there is DEFINITE suffering, all right, as it DOES go on a bit.

The song goes on a bit, and, yes, so does Mr. James--and it is worth every second of your meaningless, godless life, so stop complaining about there being too many words and go read the damn thing right now! Here's the link again! No excuses! It is a delight, just like Liza With A Z herself.

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Two national treasures with two intergalactic freaks. You decide which is which. My head is still spinning from the "I'll let you beat me" Brittany Murphy thing.

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