Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Who's Your Daddy?

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In the grand tradition of such Great Romances as Doherty/Moss, Moore/ Kutcher, and Flav/Nielsen comes the news that "America's Sweet'ho" Lindsay Lohan is having a torrid fling with none other than Christian Slater. Yes, I said torrid! And I mean it! Not because it's necessarily true, but because I love that word!

Apparently her hotly-denied-by-both-parties gropefest with Bruce Willis, which grossed-out a nation, only whetted her appetite for finely aged manmeat.

From the NY Daily News:
Lindsay Lohan has had plenty of problems with her occasionally out-of-control dad, Michael - so you'd think she'd keep her distance from ill-behaved older men.

But word is that the 18-year-old starlet is dating 35-year-old actor Christian Slater.

A Lowdown spy reports that the bad boy has been spending quality time on the set of Lohan's new movie, shooting in New York as "The Untitled Lindsay Lohan Lucky Project," and has been spotted disappearing into Lohan's private trailer.

Says the spy: "They're definitely hooking up."

Yesterday, Lohan's rep told Lowdown, "As far as I know, he did not visit her in the trailer. He said hello to her, but I was told he was visiting the head of photography."

Slater, who's appearing on Broadway in "The Glass Menagerie," has been an eligible bachelor since February, when he filed for divorce from TV producer Ryan Haddon, his wife of five years and the mother of his two young children.

And Lohan hasn't found true love since splitting from "That '70s Show" actor Wilmer Valderrama in November.

Maybe the teen queen is only looking for a little fatherly advice.

But if so, there are probably better teachers than the former Brat Packer, who's had his scrapes with the law. A decade ago, Slater spent time in drug rehab and jail for two DUIs, kicking a police officer in the head and carrying an unlicensed handgun at Kennedy Airport.

In 1997, he was convicted of misdemeanor battery and served 90 days in jail for assaulting an ex-girlfriend, biting the man who came to her defense and trying to grab the gun of a cop who arrived on the scene.

Then there was that 2003 episode in Vancouver, Canada, with Ben Affleck, and a gaggle of strippers. A few months later, Slater received nine stitches after Haddon beaned him with a glass.

On the other hand, if Lohan is looking for an anti-role model, maybe Slater is just the ticket.

Hmmmmmmm. DUI's, getting stabbed by an ex-wife, kicking a police officer in the head, rehab, jail, strippers, biting a good samaritan, grabbing a cop's gun: It all makes sense! Poor lil' Lindsay is just sticking to what she knows! This type of behavior goes down on a daily basis chez Lohan, so of course she's drawn to Christian like a red-headed moth to a very yucky flame!

Now, if only Wilmer and Christian would have some kind of "duel at dawn"-type showdown over Lindsay's long-lost honor....oh, be still my beating heart! Christian is an ancient old man, but Wilmer doesn't exactly strike me as having a particularly high IQ, so they might be evenly matched. Not that Christian is a genius or anything, but Jesus Jones! He must be smarter than Fez!

Or how about a "Bad Acting" contest before the squinty, surgered craaaaazy Faye Dunaway on a very special episode of "The Starlet"? Christian could do his patented "Annoying Bad Jack Nicholson" shtick, while Wilmer could do...whatever it is he does and gets so well-paid for...until one or both of them is beaten to death by a Faye-light-wielding Faye Dunaway!

And scene!

Speaking of frightening, surgered, crazy old ladies, the Daily News also has a little tidbit about Lauren Bacall, the woman who haunts my dreams much like Freddie Krueger.

She went on a rant recently, as is her wont, about the sorry state of today's leading ladies:
That was Lauren Bacall, slagging off an entire generation of actresses - and Hugh Grant - in a no-holds-barred interview with Britain's Radio Times magazine.

"Today, women with minuscule talent are willing to sacrifice everything for their careers," the 80-year-old Bacall claims. "I put my career in second place throughout both my marriages [to Humphrey Bogart and Jason Robards], and it suffered."

She added that today's actresses "only think of stardom. If you photograph well, that's enough. I have a terrible time distinguishing one from another. Girls wear their hair the same, and are much too anorexic-looking. ... We live in an age of mediocrity."

Grant, meanwhile, is "charming, marvelous. Not a great actor, but he doesn't have to be."

I have to pause a moment here, because a terrible chill has just gone down my spine. What could it be? Oh, no. I know what it is: Lauren Bacall just walked across my grave! AAAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your lives! The hideous, ghoulish visage of Lauren Bacall is coming for us! She's coming for us all! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

But I digress.

Now, I do think she's right in saying that most actresses are anorexic and mediocre, but she's got a lot of nerve pretending she was some kind of Great Thespian in her day. Sure, she was unbelievably gorgeous and extremely cool--nobody else could have delivered the line "Just put your lips together in blow" like her--but come on. She was no great actress. She was a great Star. There is a difference.

Also, Lauren? You started off as a model. So let's not cast the first "if you photograph well" stone, shall we? And I don't think it's fair to say that women should give up their careers for marriage. Is that a dig at poor, downtrodden gazillionaire Jennifer Aniston, or what? That's a low blow. Don't kick a horse when she's down, Lauren. Boo, hiss! Although, to be fair, you are 110 years old, and came of age during the time of Queen Victoria, when things were quite different for women. So, you know, I'll let this one slide.

I do love that you insulted the most mediocre and anorexic leading lady of them all, Hugh Grant, although you could've gone farther. Much farther. "Marvelous," my ass. Bleh!

Now please, I beg of you, Miss Bacall: Stay out of my nightmares! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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