Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Turner and Hooch

Oh, to be alive in this beautiful world of ours and wake up on a glorious day in the springtime to this Page Six headline:

"WOBBLY KATHLEEN STUNS CROWD"

Yes, the "Kathleen" is, indeed, The Second Scariest Actress After Lauren Bacall, Ms. Kathleen Turner, and she was outta control in public! Yippee! I feel like a girl of 54 again!
Kathleen Turner, who is knocking them dead on Broadway as dipsomaniacal Martha in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?," gave an eerily similar high-spirited performance on Monday as co-host of the American Theater Wing tribute to Viacom co-CEO/CBS chairman Les Moonves.

"When Turner arrived at Cipriani 42nd Street and did a photo op with Jessica Lange and Billy Crystal, she was already exuberant," laughed one guest.

Organizers took Turner outside for some air and tall glasses of water before she took the stage. Then, co-host Richard Thomas had to steady her as she growled and hissed her way through the program.

"She almost licked his face," said one witness. A tablemate exclaimed to legendary designer Donald Brooks: "My God, she's seducing him."

At one point, when her script referred to Moonves' dedication to the arts, Turner ad-libbed, "Maybe he's just in it for the money." The flippant gibe drew a dead silence.

But one of Turner's producers, Liz McCann, told Post Broadway columnist Michael Riedel that the star had been exploited. "I am tired of winding up our actors and leaning on them to do these things," she said. "It's gotten out of control."

American Theater Wing officials, she told Riedel, "begged Kathleen to be there. They were wrong, and we were wrong to let her do it. She needed her rest. She is performing a demanding play. This was her night off, and we should have let her have it."

I find this whole report fascinating, not just because Kathleen Turner is America's Favorite Blowsy Boozy Ole Broad, but because the Post was so very, very careful not to say that she was drunk. They say she was "wobbly," "high-spirited," and "exuberant"; also that she seemed "eerily similar" to her portrayal of the "dipsomaniac" Martha, and needed some air and glasses of water--but never come right out and say she was "out of her mind drunk."

So what's the deal, Page Six? Why the pussy-footin' around? Usually you don't mince words! What does Kathleen Turner have on you guys? She almost licked Richard Thomas' face--what more proof do you want? Does she have incriminating photos of Richard "Dick" Johnson's johnson or what? It's kind of an outrage. What is going on? It can't be something as simple as fear of a libel suit, can it? Can it? That's so wimpy!

Otherwise, a delightful story. Oh, Kathleen. You light up my life--much the same way you get lit every night.

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