Tuesday, April 12, 2005

They Shoot Horses Before Karl Lagerfeld Eats Them, Don't They?

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Just a bunch of tidbits today, sort of like an hors d'oevre plate of crudites. And I do mean "crude"!

First up, Page Six says:
That Maria Shriver said on "Oprah" if the kids leave their clothes or shoes on the floor, hubby Gov. Schwarzenegger, throws them in the fire.

Well, naturally, he does. It just goes to show that you can take the boy out of the Nazi, but you can't take the Nazi out of the boy. Can't you just imagine family life at the California Statehaus/Fuhrer Bunker? All the talk about the "Higher Authority," the endless viewings of "Pumping Iron" and "Triumph of the Will," the constant exercise and healthy snacks? Those poor kinder! It would be bad enough to have a living skull as your mom, but to have The Terminator as dear old dad, tossing your belongings into the ovens....my Lord. Or should I say Mein Gott!

Page Six also has the shocking news that k.d. lang is fat. Fat, I say, FAT!

"It's been a long time since k.d. lang was k.d. lean, but many people seemed stunned by exactly how big the star has gotten." So reports Shinan Govani from the Juno (Canadian music) Awards in Winnipeg, where the corpulent crooner stole the show but stayed away from the red carpet and the parties.

The National Post columnist, who calls lang "Canada's most famous lesbian," quoted a music insider as saying, "She's always been shy. But she seems even shyer now, now that she's fat."

Poor k.d.! She can't just have a nice voice and an annoyingly lower-case name, she's got to be svelte, too? Nobody cares if k.d. gets ginormous. Her fan base will always love her no matter what! Besides, what can she do? She's got a constant craving!

However, if she decides that she can't stand it anymore, she could always go on the most fashionable diet on Earth: The Karl Lagerfeld Diet. But being a well-known vegetarian/animal rights activist, she might have a teeny tiny problem with some aspects of the regimen. According to, yes, Page Six again:

Though the word was that Karl Lagerfeld lost 90 pounds on a diet of horse meat, tomatoes and Diet Coke, the book detailing his methods lists myriad unappetizing concoctions such as tuna and blackberry mousse and calf's liver with wild strawberries.

What would you expect from a man driven by fashion?

"It was for totally superficial reasons that I got started on this diet," the Chanel designer says in "The Karl Lagerfeld Diet," due in May.

"I think that fashion is the healthiest motivation for losing weight."

At least he doesn't try to fool his fellow dieters about how good the food is: "You have to be a real bore like me for the diet to work."

Herr Lagerfeld, I think you are being too modest. You could never, ever be described as a "bore." A boor, yes. A bore, no. A nutjob, freak, anti-woman fat-phobe? Yes, yes, and yes. But you are correct: Fashion is the healthiest motivation for losing weight! Trying to attain an unrealistic ideal put forth by bitchy gay men and Anna Wintour is much healthier than say, wanting to reduce one's chance of getting diabetes or heart disease. For those of you who cannot wait until May to read the Lagerfeld Diet, I've put together a handy visual guide to get you started:

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Bon appetit!

And finally, in a non-Nazi or food-related item, we have this report from The NY Daily News about Foxy "The Very Poor Man's Lil' Kim" Brown and her legal woes:
Looking fabulous as ever, Foxy Brown flashed a little hip-hop diva attitude yesterday - dissing prosecutors over claims she beat up two manicurists over a $20 toe job.

"A $20 pedicure? Are you serious?" the sexy rap star joked to reporters outside court. Brown splayed her long white nails to show off the satiny beige Dolce & Gabbana blouse and pointy Dior heels almost hidden beneath her pants.

"I mean, look at me!" she added.

In court, Brown, whose real name is Inga Marchand, pleaded not guilty to using her cell phone and fist to pummel nail stylists Myoung Yi and Sun Ji Song on Aug. 29.

Prosecutors said Foxy pulled a diva hissy fit, but Brown's attorney said the the salon workers are looking to shake down the Brooklyn-born superstar.

"They realized they had a potential payday in Foxy," said lawyer Joseph Tacopina.

Hmmm. Methinks Ms. Marchand doth protest too much. She's pulling the ole "I'm Too Rich To Care About A Measly $20" Defense, which was invented and perfected by Whitney "Divas Only Do The Good Cocaine, Not Crack" Houston. However, Whitney actually is a diva, while cell-phone-beatings-of-underlings is only cool when Naomi Campbell does it, and Foxy, you are no Naomi. And your archnemesis, the original rappin' midget skank and Felt Up fave rave Lil' Kim, has even got you beat on the legal front--she's been convicted of perjury and could go to the federal pen; all you've got is a measly assault-n-battery charge. Feh. You should be ashamed of yourself and your transparently wannabe ways! Don't come back until you've killed someone over a bikini wax.

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