Friday, April 08, 2005

Tatum O' No!

Second only to my love of the phrase "celebrity meltdown" is my adoration of "celebrity rampage." Although "liquor-fueled lesbian rampage" may trump them all!

The lead item in today's Page Six is this report about Tatum O'Neal's "sapphic spree":
Oscar-winning actress Tatum O'Neal went on a liquor-fueled lesbian rampage Wednesday night at Meatpacking District hot spot Pop Burger.

At about midnight, O'Neal, 41, daughter of Ryan O'Neal and ex-wife of John McEnroe, walked into the hipster restaurant/lounge, which had been visited by the likes of Billy Baldwin, Natasha Henstridge and Alessandra Ambrosio earlier in the evening. O'Neal ambled up to the bar and started ordering cosmopolitans — apparently not her first libations of the evening.

She wasn't there very long when she spilled a drink all over a fellow customer, and instead of acknowledging the gaffe, strolled outside to smoke a cigarette.

While managers placated the soggy patron with free cocktails, O'Neal started chatting up a pretty, blond 30-ish woman she met outside. O'Neal invited her new friend inside for a drink — and then the fun began.

"They started fooling around and were full-on making out," a spywitness told PAGE SIX's Jared Paul Stern. "Then she started feeling the girl's boobs and rubbing her crotch. It got so graphic that the manager had to keep sending a waiter to the table to tell them to stop because they were causing a scene."

The entire crowd gawked at the steamy sapphic embrace, and finally O'Neal and her lusty lady paid the check and got up and left the lounge together holding hands.

Um, is Pop Burger really a "hipster" New York "hot spot" when "the likes of" Billy Baldwin, Natasha Henstridge, Allesandra Ambrosio, and Tatum O'Neal are their biggest celebrity clients? What about Rock Hot Dog, down the street, where Bonnie Franklin, Robert Goulet, Carrot Top, Pat Sajak, and Sally Struthers like to hang?

Although I may have been too quick to judge Ms. Franklin, now that I see the level of her genius:

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Huzzah! This is my perfect workout tape! I, too, hate to exercise and love, love, love to tap! Where on God's green Earth do I get my greedy mitts on this thing? Hot damn!

But I digress. Back to Tatum's drunken lesbi-antics. To me it seems more like a desperate cry for attention than anything else--and it worked! Page Six lead story! But it makes me sad. Poor Tatum. Why, just yesterday your humble Felt Up blogette's main squeeze made a love gift of "The Bad News Bears" DVD, which was greatly appreciated. God, how I love that movie! Tatum is a delight! So tough, yet fragile. She also starred in another Felt Up fave rave, "Paper Moon," with her horrible egomaniacal creepy alcoholic child-hitting dad. She got an Oscar for that performance, and looked so adorable in her tiny '70s-style tuxedo. Oh, Tatum! Who cares if you like to munch the carpet? Big, hairy deal (so to speak). That's neither here nor there (and after John McEnroe, who can blame you?)!

I just want you to be happy! Maybe you should start going to Rock Hot Dog. They are more understanding there, I hear, despite being such a hip hot spot.

1 comment:

chepo said...

Bonnie Franklin! The Peenbeets did the theme song to her pilot "Mom and Her Punk Rock Kid"

Mom got divoced
Dad got the Porsche
and mom got the Punk Rock Kid.

Dontcha just love the Beets?

I havent laughed so hard at anything in a while after reading this post.