Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Paula is Never Abdull; Just Say Nolte

My newfound love affair with Paula Abdul, whose drunken, insane, pillhead antics seem to know no bounds, only grows deeper day by day. Now everyone's favorite crazy-hopped-up-on-goofballs former cheerleader is being accused of paying off a former "American Idol" contestant to be her secret love slave. Yes, I said LOVE SLAVE!

WENN reports:
American Idol judge Paula Abdul has vigorously denied accusations she paid one of the hit TV show's contestants to have a secret affair with her.

Corey Clark, 24, is writing a book in which he claims the 42-year-old singer paid his expenses and promised to pay $2 million towards his pop career if he kept their romance secret.

Clark - who was thrown off the show after TV bosses discovered he'd assaulted his teenage sister and resisted arrest - also claims Abdul threatened to ruin his music career plans if he told anyone about their relationship.

He tells US newspaper The Globe, "She warned me, 'Don't screw me over or you'll be sorry.'"

But Abdul's spokesman insists, "Paula Abdul disputes the allegations contained in Corey Clark's book proposal."

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Paula's sweet love will wear a man out!
He earned that two million the hard way!

OK. So maybe he wasn't paid to actually have sex with her, just to keep it on the down low, but still, what a fantabulous story! Just the thought of a sex-crazed dipsomaniac druggie maniac Paula Abdul threatening her sister-beating, arrest-resisting wannabe "American Idol" illicit lovah with what I can only assume is a hit-and-run ("I'll make it look like an accident--straight up!" she hissed, in my daydreams) is just too wonderful for words. It makes me feel good to be alive. After all that ugliness with the evil midget clown bigotry going on in Coney Island (see previous post) this story really brightened my day and put a spring in my step and renewed some of my faith in mankind.

You know what else gives me a reason to live? This little gem, also from WENN:
Actor Nick Nolte's teenage son Brawley Nolte has been arrested and charged with marijuana possession with intent to supply.

The 18-year-old and a friend were pulled over by police on Sunday after the authorities spotted a faulty headlight on their car.

Police allegedly confiscated 70 grams of marijuana after its strong aroma prompted the authorities to search the car.

Nolte and his accomplice were both spared a night behind bars - they were released on bail that night.

First of all, NICK NOLTE NAMED HIS SON BRAWLEY. Why not christen him "Disorderly" or "Troublemakey" or ""Arrestee," Nick? Also, they had so much pot that the cops could smell it in their car? Awesome. I'm sure Brawley was in there telling his friend as they got pulled over, "Hey, don't sweat it, bra. When they realize who I am there will be no problemo! Just relax. I am Brawley McWeedmonger Nolte, dude! I'm somebody around here!"

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