Friday, April 22, 2005

Paula Abdon't!

I am currently in lovely Philadelphia, PA--"The City of Brotherly Love," birthplace of the Constitution and our American Way of Life--propped up on some fluffy pillows, pants unbuttoned, trying with great difficulty to digest a Philly cheesesteak that weighed approximately three ounces more than the Liberty Bell. It ain't pretty, let me tell you.

But in between stuffing my piehole with giant quanities of bread, beef, and cheese, I did manage a Celebrity Sighting, which was gratifying, since I spent one whole day this week in New York without seeing a single Olsen or Gallo or Sevigny. But I saw a man here in Philly yesterday who looked remarkably like singer Todd Rundgren, AKA "The Man Liv Tyler Called Dad For Years Until She Realized She Looks Exactly Like Her Actual Father, Steven Tyler, Albeit Much Prettier And Less Death Headish."

Anyway, I thought the guy I saw walking down the street looked just like ole Todd, and then today I read in the paper that he is peforming here tonight! Huzzah! Sure, he's no Mary-Kate, but still! A celeb is a celeb!

Also saw this nice little puff piece on CNN that claims against all evidence to the contrary that Paula Abdul is not a drug-ravaged crazy lady pillhead:
Don't mistake Paula Abdul's niceties or silliness on "American Idol" for drug addiction. Despite a neuropathic disorder and 12 operations, Abdul says she's "not addicted to pills of any kind."

"If people only knew what I've gone through with pain and pills," Abdul, 42, tells the May 2 issue of People magazine. "I'm dancing for joy at the fact that not even a year ago I was in so much pain I could barely get up."

Last November, the "Idol" judge was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, a chronic neurological disorder that causes severe pain.

"I get a shot (of an anti-inflammatory drug) once a week," she said. "I give it to myself."

Abdul remarked that her 25 years of pain have been long and arduous, beginning with a cheerleading accident at 17 that injured a disc in her neck. The pain was punctuated with "a couple of car accidents" in the 1980s, her battle with bulimia, an emergency plane landing in 1992, paralysis in 1998 and years of failed treatments including prescription drugs, acupuncture and live leech therapy.

"By 1999, everywhere I went, I'd look for something sharp to lean up against and jam a corner into my neck -- something to fight the pain," Abdul said.

The choreographer and pop star is talking about her chronic pain after reading messages posted on the Fox talent show's Web site that attributed her odd antics to drug addiction.

"From where I was to where I am is a miracle," she said. "It's beyond a miracle."

Last month, Abdul was fined and sentenced to two years' probation after pleading no contest to a misdemeanor count of hit-and-run driving. The charge stemmed from an accident last December in which her car clipped another vehicle on a San Fernando Valley freeway.

Oh, Paula. You are starting to scare me. There was a photo of you in a recent Us Weekly in which you looked exactly like a freakishly thin version of Yolanda Saldivar, the woman who shot Selena. And who wants to look like Yolanda, huh? Nobody, that's who. And not only do you look like Ms. Saldivar, you are starting to act like her too, with that horrifying leering smile and those Norma Desmond eyes. Are you going to pull a gun out and kill Clay Aiken in a motel room in Corpus Christi? Is that where you are heading?

You are not doing yourself any favors in this interview, either, honey. You sound exactly like the pain-pill-poppin' headcase that you are! And Paula, we have eyes. We are not blind. We see you leaping from your chair on "American Idol," crazy-eyed and bleary, waving your arms like a spaz, with that manic "I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can" look on your face. Dear god, woman. Cheerleading injuries, multiple car accidents, a hit-and-run, bulimia, plane crashes, paralysis, and LEECH THERAPY? Maybe you should live in a plastic bubble from now on and try and keep the world at bay. How could you not get stuck down in the Valley of the Dolls, poppin' pills like they were candy? Sweet, delicious candy. Why not just own your obvious adddiction to goofballs? Go with it! That could be your gimmick, like Anna-Nicole! OMG. Note to self: A remake of "Valley of the Dolls" starring Paula Abdul, Anna-Nicole Smith, and Whitney Houston! I am a genius! Liza could be Helen Lawson, the aging star who can't let go of her fame!

One more thing, and it is urgent. Page Six is reporting that Johnny Knoxville is still a cheating scumbag. Repeat! Breaking news! Johnny Knoxville is a salad-tossing serial starlet banger:
JOHNNY Knoxville just can't seem to shake his fast-mushrooming reputation as a bold-faced babe magnet.

The married former "Jackass" ringleader is still battling those rampant rumors that he's having a torrid fling with "Dukes of Hazzard" co-star Jessica Simpson.

The buzz has been swirling for months that Simpson and Knoxville were having an on-set affair, but both stars have denied any talk of a tryst. N

But at least one eyewitness at "Scrubs" star Zach Braff's birthday party at 40 Deuce in Los Angeles last Saturday night told PAGE SIX she saw Knoxville and Simpson stroking one another's hands when the lights went down. "It was awesome," tittered our gossipy gawker...

Meanwhile, Knoxville has also been linked to teen party machine Lindsay Lohan, with whom he was spotted club-hopping in New Orleans a while back. When we asked chief Lohan-dler Leslie Sloane if her client had ever knocked boots with Knoxville, she played it safe: "I don't know that to be true," Sloane said.

Knoxville, who has a wife, Melanie, and a young daughter, Madison, has been caught more than once before enjoying the company of beautiful women.

Last year, Knoxville was spotted smooching with model Bridget Hall while the pair played pool at the Hog Pit in the Meatpacking District. Less than a week later, he raised eyebrows when he openly canoodled with Kate Moss at a Franz Ferdinand show at Webster Hall.

And those are just the more famous women to whom Knoxville has been linked. We know, for instance, that the amorous actor bedded a certain marketing minx who works at a New York fashion showroom a few years ago.

So what exactly is the state of Knoxville's marriage? "I'm not going to comment on his personal life any further," his rep told us. We can't say we blame her.

Dude should just change his name to "Johnny Cocksville" and be done with it. Just think of the degrees of sexual separation that no longer exist because of this guy: Lindsay and Jessica have basically had sex with each other. And Bridget Hall. And nameless, faceless non-celebs. And Nick Lachey has done it with Fez. And Paris Hilton. Not to mention Kate Moss and Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder and Pete Doherty. The mind reels! I don't even want to go into the whole Christian Slater/Bruce Willis Axis of Penis...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's so good to hear from you. The A-holes in A-town miss you.

Oh, and "Johnny Cocksville"? Nothing *short* of brilliant!

And Paula adding "an emergency plane landing in 1992" to her list of pain-causers had me laughing beer out my nose.