Saturday, April 23, 2005

Moss Def

It's Friday, which means only one thing: It's "Another Sordid Chapter in L'Affaire Doherty/Moss" Day!

Page Six reports:
KATE Moss' rocker fiancé Pete Doherty spent his nights as a drug-dealing gay hustler before he got famous.

In "Kids in the Riot: High and Low With the Libertines" by his pal Pete Welsh, Doherty reveals that before the band scored its record contract, "I was spanking off old queens for, like, 20 quid."

He recalls turning a trick one night: "As he slept, I locked him in his room, tied a pair of trousers over his head and nicked all these American dollar bills out of his drawer."

Once the Libertines got hot, Doherty had sex with as many groupies as possible. "I remember [bleep]ing this girl in the toilets, on the floor," he recalls.

Another time, a girl "basically raped me to the music."

And once, when he picked up a hooker in Switzerland, "I ended up being sick on her in the hotel room, so she ran off."

We're not sure how all this will go down with Moss, who Doherty claims will marry him by the fall. He recently moved into her Oxfordshire mansion.

Oh, poor naive Page Six. As if Kate Moss is not used to being puked upon by pale, pasty British rockers! It's practically a part of her beauty regimen, which she is about to publish in a new book called A Rolling Stone Does, In Fact, Gather Moss. Here's an excerpt that was leaked to the press, from the chapter titled "Moss, Not Floss: A Typical Day of Beauty":

4pm: Wake up. Wipe vomit off face, stomach, naughty bits.

4:05pm: Smoke first packet of fags of the hour.

5pm: Take much-deserved nap.

6pm: Wake up again. Ring Sophie Dahl and call her a slag. (This puts a bit of colour in the cheeks.)

7pm: Watch maid feed baby something called "food." Sight will make one quite nauseated. Take edge off with some white powder Petey left behind near the dustbin.

8pm: Ring Stella McCartney, call her slag, demand free clothes for night out with Petey-Poo.

9pm: High colonic time!

10pm: Ring Peteykins, arrange to meet in squalid loo at hip London club.

11pm: Rape Petesy to the music in loo.

11:01pm: Finish sex in loo, hit the dance floor. Smoke 40th packet of fags of day.

12am-3pm: No idea. Vague memories of calling Sadie Frost a slag, snogging with my Petey Pie, someone being sick down my front. Couldn't have been me, though; one can't vomit when one hasn't eated solid food for twelve years! At least I don't think so. Too bad you can't print for vomit...oh, well.

4pm: Start again!

Oh, to be not-so-young and in love with a former hustler, future Shane MacGowan, current frail Babyshambles singer!

Also in Page Six was this little nugget:
APPAREL, publishing and video-game mogul Marc Ecko can officially claim the title of "Most Diehard 'Star Wars' Fan."

In addition to a collection that already includes a life-size Stormtrooper, the hip-hop fashion mogul went wild on eBay last weekend, shelling out over $25,000 for such items as original design sketches from "The Empire Strikes Back."

Ecko, who seems to have a soft spot for leathery, prehistoric-looking creatures, had a baby rhino named in his honor last week by the San Diego Zoo.

He has a "soft spot for leathery, prehistoric-looking creatures"? It's all becoming so clear--his dating Joan Rivers, I mean. Before, it really didn't make much sense! I love solving a mystery. Case closed!

Oh, but wait. Someone should warn this Ecko guy about his special lady's propensity for...

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...growing horns and devouring small children!

AAAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your life, Marc Ecko! You're better off sticking your "light saber" into your Stormtrooper, plush Yoda, or life-size Leia slave-girl sillicone Real Doll. It's much, much safer--and more life-like, to boot!

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