Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Filth and the Fury

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Ahh, spring. It brings to mind flowers, sunshine, romps in the park, and, of course, romance. Sweet, delightful, enchanting l-o-v-e. Such as this fairytale-like report from Page Six about everyone's favorite young English lovahs:

Kate Moss' crackhead rocker fiance, Pete Doherty, is a one-minute wonder in bed with a less-than-impressive endowment, his ex-girlfriend says.

Doherty's French ex, Carole Desbois, 27, tells London's News of the World that Doherty, 26, whom she dated in the summer of 2001, "never kept going sexually for more than a few minutes at a time. The drugs definitely affected his sex drive. He often went limp during sex because of the drugs."

She also sniffs, "He's pretty inexperienced" in the sack.

Before she consented to sex, Desbois said she had to scrub down the filthy rocker, who stank to high heaven.

"It was like standing next to a pile of manure," Desbois says. "The grimy odor would have put me off having sex. I did everything for him that night from washing his hair to clipping his fingernails because they had so much dirt underneath."

And this was before Doherty started shooting up. "He was only smoking cannabis, taking speed [or] acid," she notes. "He hadn't moved on to hard drugs. He didn't have the money."

Wow. I don't really want to think too much about his lack of prowess in the sack, because frankly, thinking about that pale, skinny, pasty little man in the sack at all makes me throw up in my mouth. The truly frightening thing is when you stop to consider the European attitude toward cleanliness, hygiene, and body odor--which falls about even with, or perhaps even below, my own rather lax standards--and then realize that Mr. Doherty actually managed to gross out a French hipster who probably has hairy armpits, never heard of deodorant, smokes like a chimney and bathes once a month. Kudos, Pete! Well-played. Now, good day. I said good day, sir!

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At first glance this next item, also from Page Six, didn't really rock my world, as I could care less about the goings-on in the topsy-turvy world of hipper-than-thou New York neo-new-wave buzz bands; but upon closer inspection, I realized that this story has some personal relevance:
The slap-fight between The Bravery and The Killers is getting bitchier. Rock's hottest rivalry started when Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers publicly slammed Williamsburg buzz band The Bravery for riding his group's new-wave revivalist coattails. Flowers ridiculed Bravery frontman Sam Endicott for having once been in a ska band called Skabba the Hut.

You see, my wee brother and I like to play a game called "Who Can Come Up With the Stupidest Ska Band Name?" from time to time. My personal best was "The Ska of Iran" (espciallay useful for a hard-hitting political ska band).

But I think "Skabba the Hut" may have just rendered our game obsolete. Where can we go from there? What joy can we possibly take from trying--fruitlessly--to find a more riciculously bad ska band name than that? Yet another innocent pastime robbed of its charm and fun by New York musicians.

To read an in-depth account of every "true" music-lover's intense loathing for The Bravery, go to this article in the NY Post. It's pretty funny stuff. Make sure you look for the money quote:
"Skabba the Hut remains the most disturbing thing about them," says MTV News correspondent Gideon Yago.

Also, it turns out that some dude from The Killers was in a ska band with the comparatively tasteful name of Attaboy Skip. The photographic evidence can be found here. I find it rather amusing that the absolute worst thing that can come out about these guys is that they were in ska bands years ago. Quelle horreur! Hasn't everyone been in a ska band at least for a little while? Denying your two-tone past skan't be good for you! Embrace it! Shout to the world: Ich Bien Ein Skaliner!

Infuriatingly, the Skabba the Hut webpage seems to have been removed from the internets--and it's tag line was "Bust a Nut With Skabba the Hut!" However I was able to find mention of their big hit "Skabba Nagilla" on the Bankshot! Records page.

Oh, and one more thing. The Bravery dude's stage name was "Chewskacca."


Anonymous said...

Carole Desbois is a Pirate Hooker. And fuck The Bravery and The Killers and any another band created in the 2000's that has a name with "The" in it.

Anonymous said...

First off, "Skabba the Hut" is a totally brilliant band name on par with Chachiface and Babyshambles.

Seriously, though, I thought The Killers were riding the coattails of every other Neo-New Wave band that came before them (i.e. Interpol, The Faint). Aren't we on the tail-end of this trend yet? If 80s-loving Terri is sick of Neo-New Wave, it must be time for it to go away!

Terri R.