Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Black Magic Woman

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There's this brilliant, witty book I wrote called Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned From "This is Spinal Tap," and I think Mr. Bruce Kuhlman, who is featured in the following CNN story, should maybe have read this tome before he took his high-paying, fast-paced job in the glamorous world of the Santana organization:
A former employee of the New Santana Band has accused musician Carlos Santana and his wife of firing him for not being "closer to God," according to a wrongful termination lawsuit filed in California.

Bruce Kuhlman, 59, said Santana's wife, Deborah, went on a campaign to terminate him after her spiritual guru, "Dr. Dan," determined through "calibration" tests that Kuhlman was too old to become enlightened, the lawsuit, filed on April 13, said.

Kuhlman, who began working with Carlos Santana as a personal assistant in 1988, was running the band's licensing operation, River of Colors, when he was fired in 2004.

Kuhlman seeks more than $100,000 and punitive damages against the couple and their businesses, and his lawsuit asks a judge to stop them from using Dr. Dan's Neuro-Emotional Technique to "test" or "calibrate" employees.
A lawyer for Santana, a Mexican-born guitarist known for hits such as "Smooth," said on Wednesday he would have no comment on the pending litigation.

The lawsuit said Dr. Dan informed Kuhlman during a series of meetings that his "enlightenment/consciousness level" was low because of his age, and "that the more enlightened a person was, the closer to God he was and the better employee he was."

He also accused Deborah Santana of constantly slurring male employees.

Kuhlman said Deborah Santana hired three new employees -- all of them female -- after asking Dr. Dan to "calibrate" them over the telephone.

"Dr. Dan would use his wife as a proxy and push down on her arm while Deborah told her the person's name and certain things from the resume and interview," the lawsuit said.

"Based on this evaluation by Dr. Dan and his measure of the applicant's 'consciousness level,' Deborah would decide whether to hire them," the suit said.

Kuhlman was fired after he missed an appointment with Dr. Dan in April 2004, and believes he was cut out of about $250,000 in performance bonuses from the licensing operation he directed.

Santana, a rock music legend, has toured and recorded since the late 1960s when he shot to fame during the Woodstock festival. The Grammy-winning guitarist is best known for recording classic tracks such as "Oye Como Va" and the recent pop smash "Maria Maria" with guest artists.

I did a little research and came up with a handy graphic that shows Dr. Dan's theories in a simplified format:

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As you can see, the universe is simply a great circle of beingness; first you have your fungi, then your musicians, then your Santana, then after you put on your signs of the zodiac costume you will finally get through Mrs. Santana, and then on you go to God, AKA "Dr. Dan." It's an ancient concept that the Druids came up with whilst they were building teeny, tiny Stonehenge's for dwarves to trod upon.

Everything would have been fine if they'd just recorded it in Dobly, you know.

1 comment:

chepo said...

Now I have someone new to add to my shitlist, Santana.