Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Star Is Hell

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Yes, it's that time again. This week, the cover screams "50 Sexiest Stars 2005--Who YOU Chose!" Oy vey. This oughta be bad. Also, a "Super-Sized OSCAR Special" and "Breaking News: BRAD'S OUT WITH A MYSTERY BRUNETTE!"

First I'd like to mention the indescribable horror I felt when I flipped the first two pages and came upon the new Baby Phat ad, featuring Kimora Lee Simmons wearing a Pocohantas minidress, reclining on a velvet-and-animal-skin-draped chaise lounge, with a boa constrictor wrapped around her arm, being served a refreshing beverage by a young Asian boy in a Nehru jacket and sarong, with a giant llama head floating next to him and her two actual children playing on the ground. I may have to go into intensive post-Kimora-Lee-Simmons-Stress-disorder (PKLSSD) pyschotherapy for a while in order to recover my sense of well-being...

Next up is "The 14 Best-Dressed" at the Academy Awards. I agree that Kate Winslet looked great in her periwinkle Badgley Mischka gown, as did Charlize Theron (although her dress was a tad overwhelming), but I don't think that Hilary Swank (matronly from the front), Salma Hayek (always gorgeous, but she looked a little on the saloon lady side to me), Halle Berry (yucky long hair), Gwyneth (I actually liked her hair, but her dress--and her marital woes--made her look blah and washed-out), or Renee Zellweger (you win! you are the thinnest of them all, Squinty!) deserve the coveted Best Dressed Says Star Magazine honors.

In the Best of the Rest photospread, we have Cate Blanchett (working the yellow banana, but with a nice belt, look); Natalie Portman (she looks better in photos wearing this Grecian goddess-y dress than she did on tv); Kirsten Dunst (Yes, yes, it's true! I loved her hair and her lacy black dress--now, please excuse me while I throw myself in front of a train); Maggie Gyllenhaal (for once dressing pretty): Emmy Rossum from "Phantom of the Opera" (I won't dignify her presence with a comment, but what the hell was she doing there, anyway? She is quickly becoming my new Most Loathed female celeb); Penelope Cruz in her pretty-until-you-saw-the-giant-butt-bow yellow dress; and Beyonce in outfit #1 of 4, who always looks great when she's not wearing gold hot pants. So overall I guess I liked the also-rans better than the Star fave raves...

Then we have a little jokey headline: "Kevin's Out With a Mystery Brunette--NOT!" Oh, gee! It's Britney with brown hair! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Those crazy loons at Star are a laff riot!

Next it's "Demi & Ashton's Baby: ARE THEY FINALLY READY?" The answer: NO.

Star finally picks up the Fez-is-dating-Ashlee-Simpson story in "Linday Vs. Ashlee: Their Battle Over Wilmer!" Apparently, Lindsay trusted Ashlee to help try to get her back together with Fez, but Ahslee totally betrayed Lindsay by getting the hots for him herself and is now dating him! OMG! As one of Wilmer's friends notes, "It ought to be interesting to see what happens when Lindsay arrives back in town and confronts Ashlee!" I'll say! Catfight! Meow! But seriously: Have these girls lost their tiny minds? Fighting over Fez? It is beyond mystifying to me.

There's some juicy gossip in the "Couples News" section: Jay Mohr's wife found out he had an affair with a contestant on "Last Comic Standing," so she called the mistress and ended up having a fling with her too! Huzzah! Also, Steven Tyler's soon-to-be-ex-wife is having a torrid affair with a 24-year-old "contractor and personal trainer who did work on" her and Steven's home! Double huzzah! Sisters are doin' it for themselves!

In "Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous" it's none other than Tina Turner getting her new mug analyzed. Apparently, your private dancer has had an eyelift, fillers in her mouth, jawline, and lips, and a face-lift. Why not? We don't need another hero.

Next up is a look at two Oscar parties: The Vanity Fair party and the Governor's Ball. At the VF soiree, Mischa Barton was photographed wearing a hideous gold flapper dress; Pierce Brosnan showed up with his wife, Keely Shaye Smith, who I love because she is very pretty but not Hollywood thin. Selma Blair and Lara Flynn Boyle posed together; their combined weight is 100 pounds. I never really knew that Viginia Madsen and formerly-hunky-now-kinda-creepy Michael Madsen are brother and sister, but there they are, posing with their mom! At the Governor's Ball, Oprah tried to smother Alan Alda's ancient head with her bosom--not a bad way to go, Mr. Alda, I must say.

In Star Love Lives, they ask the burning question: "Is Nicole Freaked Out About Tom's New Love?" The answer: NO. You know, Tom's taste in (alleged) beards is much better than Nicole's. First Penelope Cruz, and now this attractive Colombian lady, Sofia Vergara, while Nicole has been dilly-dallying with creeps like Lenny Kravitz and that horrible, awful Steve Bing person. Just because they are (alleged) merkins doesn't mean they have to be repellent, Nicole!

And because it wouldn't be right to go one week without a Brad-n-Jen breakup story, Star grasps at straws with "Brad & Jen: How They'll Keep From Hurting Each Other." Apparently, the formerly happy couple are being extra nice and sweet so as to not hurt their careers any more than they already have. Oh, and the "mystery brunette" mentioned on the cover? It's Catherine Keener, who with her husband Dermot Mulroney, is bestie friends with the Pitts. F-ing Star, playing all these dirty tricks, making it look like Brad was on a date! J'accuse, Star Magazine. J'accuse.

Reality show stars--blah blah blah. Not interested.

Ah, here we go: "Renee Zellweger--Torn Between Two Rock Stars?" It seems that Squinty is dating singer Damien Rice--and since she and Jack White have broken up, no Star, she is not "torn" between them, she's just a well-known groupie! One thing in the article did chill me to the bone, however: She's planning on writing a book. Yes, that's right, I said a book. "Fiction, non-fiction, whatever I'm feeling when I pick up the pen," she says. AAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your lives! Squinty Zellweger's got the writin' bug!

This is funny: "Ben Stops Watching Alias: Hey Vartan--Jen's Mine!" Apparently Ben can't stand watching his beloved's tv show because her love scenes with ex-beau Michael Vartan are too upsetting. Awww--Is Benny Wenny afwaid that Jennikins is goin' back wiff Mikey? Because you totally should worry, Affleck. That girl is a serial co-star canoodler and you two have only made one movie together!

OK, time for the 50 Sexiest Stars, as chosen by Star editors and an online poll. Sexiest Male: Brad Pitt; Sexiest Female: Angelina Jolie--quelle surprise! Poor Jen. Sexiest Teen (I find this category a tad yucky): Lindsay Lohan. Sexiest Singer: Beyonce.

This ends the whole person section, now we move onto body parts. Sexiest Arms: Nick Lachey--I guess putting your arms around Playboy bunnies really builds up those biceps! Sexiest Chest: Jessica Simpson, which is weird, because she's kinda droopy. Sexiest Abs: Matthew McConaughey. Naked, high bongo-playing is better than crunches--hurrah! Sexiest Kisses: Will Smith and Eva Mendes in "Hitch," and Mischa Barton and Olivia Wilde on "The O.C." Puh-leese. Will's kissing partner was market researched to find the least-offensive to red-staters, ie, interracial, but not too interracial; Mischa and Olivia's kiss is just too silly to comment upon. Sexiest Bottom: Nicollette Sheridan, because she will cut you, Star Magazine, if you don't find something for her to win. Sexiest Hair: Gwyneth Paltrow. Bleh. Sexiest Dresser: Jude Law. All right, now, this is getting ridiculous. Sexiest Dresser? What's next, Sexiest Teeth? Sorry, I spoke too soon, it's Sexiest Smile, and the "winner" is Eva Mendes. I'm just going to skip around a little bit, OK? Let's see, Sexiest Chef: Nigella Lawson, which is totally true. Sexiest Gray Hair: George Clooney. Sexiest Grandpa-to-Be: Tony Danza! Eeeew! Gross! Sexiest Sense of Humor: Felt Up! Haw, haw. No, it was Jon Stewart, of course. Felt Up won Sexiest Typing Fingers, naturellement!

Then they do a photospread of The Sexiest Stars At Every Age! Sexiest in Her 20s: Jessica Simpson. Sexiest in Her 30s: J-Lo. Sexiest in Her 40s: Teri Hatcher. Sexiest in Her 50s: Christie Brinkley. Sexiest in her 60s: Raquel Welch, who is really working a Mae West vibe these days, by the way, of which I heartily approve. Sexiest in Her 70s: Sophia Loren. Sexiest in Her 80s: Felt Up! What? Moi? Two "Sexiest" awards? That's too crazy! Thanks, Star--Mwah! Mwah! I owe it all to clean living!

Sexiest New Couple: Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. Why? Because they're lesbians, that's why, silly! Lesbians are hot, always!

I'm sorta getting exhausted by this rehash, but just when I want to throw it away, they keep pulling me back in with articles titled "Is Kirstie Too Scary For Men?" The answer: YES.

More Oscar parties. Poor Elton John's party is way in the back of the magazine in editorial Siberia! And he had Liz Taylor!

I'm losing steam. Beauty tips, blah blah, bling, blah, party dresses, Kate Bosworth might actually be skinnier than Squinty Zellweger, blah blah...oooh! This is intriguing: "When Exes Collide!" Jake and Kirsten, all smiley and sophisticated; George and Alana Hamilton (!)--love them! When are they going to get another talk show?; Kate and Orlando--might be back on? I don't care all that much, but stay tuned!

Star Magazine at Oscar time is almost too much for your dainty Felt Up blogette. I love a jam-packed issue, but this was a tad overwhelming. Where are my smellin' salts?

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