Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Not Safe For Lunch

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Hold onto your literal and figurative cookies: Star is reporting that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are expecting a lovechild!

Here's how it went down, as it were:
When friends of Ashton Kutcher gathered recently for a night out at the new Hollywood hot spot he owns, the Geisha restaurant, they were astounded when the 27-year-old star dropped a bombshell: Demi Moore, 42, his beautiful girlfriend of almost two years, is pregnant!

"Halfway through the meal, he told us there was a baby on the way," says a stunned source.

In fact, Star has learned that Demi is eight-weeks pregnant, with a due date some time in October.

Star went on to report that the Geisha diners promptly barfed up their sushi:
"Thanks for ruining a perfectly good free meal, Ashton," groused one patron, wiping a chunk of wasabi off her skirt.

"Are we getting 'Punk'd,' or what?" asked another, trying to control his uncontrollable shaking with saki. "You might give a guy a little notice before springing something so repulsive on him at dinner. Jesus!"

Moore was last seen in a rubber fat suit, running 35 miles down Pacific Coast Highway with a baby stroller stuffed with a large sandbag, in preparation for her post-partum workout regimine.

Ah, what lengths celebs will go to in order to keep their place in the spotlight--oh, sorry! I mean, to express their undying love. No, that's not right, either. Uh, hmmm....Why do people have kids, again? Right, right: To celebrate their status as an "It Couple" by bringing a new life into this wonderful world to be raised by maids and nannies and hounded by paparazzi the rest of their days! That's it!

It makes me quite tearful to think about it, the miracle of life and whatnot.

Full Star Magazine rehash coming soon! But South By Southwest is on its way, and postings may become erratic. I'm sorry. Don't judge me! You're not my father!

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