Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Mother Knows Best

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Yippee! My favorite possibly incestuous mother-and-son con-artists/murderers are getting their second made-for-tv movie! It's nothing less than they deserve. The NY Post reports:
Jeanne King's spellbinding book "Dead End" — about murderous mom-and-son grifters Sante and Kenny Kimes — is being made into a TV movie by Emmy-winning producer Randy Stone.

Big-name actresses are being considered for the role of Sante, who was convicted of masterminding the multiple bi-coastal killings that her son carried out.

It's sure to be a juicy part. Kenny avoided the death sentence by testifying against his domineering mother. The judge who sentenced the serial killers proclaimed: "Sante Kimes is the most evil person to ever come before me in 16 years on the bench. She has the ingenuity to recognize the weaknesses, the avarice, the flaws in human beings and exploit them."

To Kenny, the judge said: "You are being sentenced to freedom. You will no longer be her personal criminal as you have finally stepped up to the plate."

Movies aren't the only thing handsome Stone produces — he's also rumored to be the secret sperm donor for Jodie Foster's kids, though it has never been confirmed.

"Juicy part" is an understatement! It's the role of a lifetime! (Or at least the role of a Lifetime Network!) In the last made-for-tv movie, called "Like Mother, Like Son," it was scaaaaary Mary Tyler-Moore who played Sante; although that was a genius move, I still think there's room for improvement. Mary had the "frightening" part of the role down pat, but she is way too skinny to convincingly portray portly Sante. (And personally, I think they should have used Son of a Grifter: The Twisted Tale of Sante and Kenny Kimes, the Most Notorious Con Artists in America: A Memoir by the Other Son, by Kent Walker, Kenny's half-brother, as the basis for the movie; it was a Christmas present one year from Friends of Felt Up Tanya B. and Gil C., which is one of my treasured posessions. But I digress.)

Now, here's a description of Sante and Kenny from The Crime Library's exhaustive account of the Kimes' crime spree:
The woman making most of the noise had a voice that grated, like a long fingernail scraping slowly across a blackboard. The twenty-something young man with her was tall and muscular, nearly handsome with his wavy hair. There was something about his eyes though. He had a frightening stare when he looked towards you. Psycho eyes. And nobody but nobody would have guessed that the older woman was not only his mother, but also his lover and soul mate.

The woman giving orders had been pretty once. Some would say beautiful since she had been mistaken many times for Elizabeth Taylor when she was younger. But she had gotten soft and plump with age. Time had not been kind and her black hair, usually covered by a wig, was flecked with gray. She was not happy if someone learned her age was 65.

Hmmmm....an older, overweight lady with a grating voice. I nominate Tyne Daly! I was going to say Liza, because I always say Liza whenever possible, but she's too sweet and wacky to be believable in such an evil role...I mean, when she's not beating up chauffeurs or her gay husband, or falling out of bed drunk, she's really rather nice. I think. Maybe.

But Tyne Daly? Even though it would be something of a stretch believing that she was ever mistaken for Liz Taylor, I could totally see her as a sociopathic convicted thief, insurance scammer, murderer, and slaver. (Yes, Sante spent time in prison for having a few Mexican slaves. Who hasn't?) Tyne scared the bejesus out of me in another made-for-tv movie called "The Perfect Mother," in which she played all-too-convincingly a pyschotic who terrorizes her daughter-in-law Ione Skye, so I know she can do it!

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usTyne! Image Hosted by ImageShack.usSante!

As for the creepy son with the "psycho eyes," I have a brilliant bit of stunt casting to offer: How about Tyne's brother, Tim Daly? Eh, eh? Don't rush to dismiss this genius idea just because it may make you want to run and take a scalding hot shower. Take your time! Think about the cringe factor! The grotesque sight of Tyne Daly holding hands with Tim while being interviewed about on "60 Minutes" (one of my all-time fave moments in tv history! I get chills just thinking about it!), the horror of seeing Tyne use her powers of motherly seduction to get Tim to do her evil bidding--oh, it would just make my whole life complete! This is television gold I'm giving away, people! Gold!

To see why I'm so obsessed with this story, check out the in-depth Crime Library summary, "Mother and Son Murder Team." It's pretty long, but is fascinating reading, and you can skip around to the good parts, like the murder of Irene Silverman for her luxury Manhattan residence--the crime that finally brought down this dynamic duo; Sante and her late grifter husband Ken Kimes, Sr., who took to calling himself “the honorary bicentennial ambassador of the United States,” crashing a Gerald Ford party while he was vice-president; and the whole Mexican slave saga.

Oh, and one more thing--you didn't think I had forgotten, did you? The producer who may have given Jodie Foster his baby batter for her turkey baster conception? I did a quick IMDB search for "Randy Stone"--and guess which movie he produced? Little Man Tate! It is just too delicious for words. The irony, I mean. Not the baby batter. Eeeeew!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Kenny Kimes used to attend the high school I'm at now. Green Valley high school. My teacher told me that he was very popular and was a great student. Funny how things turn out. . .