Friday, March 25, 2005

Mondo Meltdown!

One of Felt Up's biggest obsessions is The Celebrity Meltdown, and we finally got one! Huzzah!

Today's meltdown comes courtesy of Page Six, who reports that Ms. Paula Abdul--who friend of Felt Up Ursula H. is convinced spent part of this week's "American Idol" dizrunk and ca-RA-zy--had a you-know-what recently while traveling to exotic climes:
AMERICAN Idol" judge Paula Abdul had a meltdown in Malaysia, lashing out at a friend when she found out she might go to jail on a hit-and-run charge back home.

Abdul flew to Kuala Lumpur last Friday for the Force of Nature Tsunami Aid benefit as the guest of the King and Queen of Malaysia. She joined the likes of Lauryn Hill, Wyclef Jean, Jackie Chan, Bai Ling, Joey Fatone and the Black Eyed Peas. Abdul introduced Hill at a gala concert.

The next day, however, Abdul was at her suite at the Kuala Lumpur Ritz-Carlton when she learned that Los Angeles authorities planned to file a criminal charge against her for a hit-and-run incident she was involved in last December, which carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail.

Abdul was scheduled to have tea with the king and queen at the Malaysian Royal Palace on Saturday but refused to leave her bed, our source reports. A girlfriend who accompanied her on the trip told her she had to pull herself together and attend, since the royals were footing the bill. But when Abdul and her pal returned to the hotel, the pop star flipped out.

Abdul scratched her friend's face and the fracas was seen by a Ritz-Carlton staffer who entered the room. Before long, word of the fisticuffs spread among the other celebs staying at the hotel.

We're told that Abdul finally cooled off, but the next day, she flipped out again during her flight back to California with the friend. She threw a bracelet at her pal and screamed that the friend "owed her money" for a hamburger she'd consumed at the hotel.

Jesus loves me, yes he does, and I know it because of this story! I think my favorite part of this delightful report is the "you owe me money for that hamburger, bitch!" fight on the plane. Oh, Paula. I knew you had the crazy all over you, but I had no idea how much crazy! Oh, and in answer to your musical question, posed lo those many years ago: "Am I caught in a hit and run?" I believe we can definitively answer YES.

Double huzzahs are in order for this A+ meltdown! I heart Paula!

There seems to be a legal theme running through the celeb non-news today: Tom "The Whizzinator" Sizemore may have to go to jail for his sundry drug problems/girlfriend-beating offenses. According to WENN:
Troubled actor Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to just under two years in jail for repeatedly failing drug tests while on probation.

The Black Hawk Down star, 43, failed seven drug tests, admitted methamphetamine use twice and failed to show up for further testing while on probation for a 2003 domestic violence conviction involving his ex-girlfriend, former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, said prosecutor Sean Carney last month.

Yesterday, Sizemore sobbed, gestured and begged for another chance as he delivered a rambling speech before being sentenced by Superior Court Judge Antonio Barreto Jr. Sizemore pleaded with the judge for leniency, saying he had broken his parents' hearts and felt like a 12-year-old child.

He said, "(I am) engaged in a struggle right now to regain the better part of who I am... I never thought I had this disease. I assure, Your Honor, that I'm not acting now. I'm not acting, I'm begging, I'm beseeching you. I can't imagine my future without performing."

Later in the day, Sizemore was also sentenced to an additional inpatient drug treatment in a separate felony methamphetamine case. Despite the sentencing, Sizemore is allowed to remain free while he appeals a domestic violence conviction."

As much as I think it is outrageous that people have to go to jail for being drug addicts, a la Robert Downey, Jr., I am tickled pink that he "sobbed," "gestured," and "begged" in an incoherent, rambling plea to the court, because where I come from, we call that...a meltdown! Did I do something wonderful and selfless in a previous life or what? I must have been a goddamn saint! Triple huzzahs!

Somehow, Sizemore's posse was able to spin this to Page Six as a triumph of thespian artistry over a cruel, unfeeling legal system:
Trouble-plagued Tom Sizemore was sentenced to more than one year in jail yesterday for domestic abuse charges brought against him by ex-fiancée Heidi Fleiss.

But Sizemore's pals immediately called PAGE SIX to declare victory because the judge also ruled the actor would remain free pending appeals.

Entertainment lawyer Steven Machat, who is producing a movie, "Splinter," starring Sizemore and Edward James Olmos, tells PAGE SIX's Fernando Gil: "We're all ecstatic because this case is likely never going to trial again for a long time, and if and when it does, we'll win. Tom's a very gifted artist and we're elated that he can continue to work on other projects now, like his music career. He's in a band that sounds like an angry cross between The Doors and Nirvana."

The court ruling follows a recent bizarre appearance on Geraldo Rivera's Fox News Channel show where Sizemore flashed his gleaming choppers in an attempt to dispel rumors of crystal meth abuse, which has been known to damage tooth enamel.

My head is spinning: First of all, how in holy f*** did I miss this very special espisode of "Geraldo"? Secondly, he's in a band? Does this mean the masses of middle-aged fat ladies who have been cruelly abandoned by Russell Crowe's TOFOG may have a raison d'etre after all? Because Mr. Sizemore is kind of cut from the same beefy, slightly-too-manly, talented-but-nutty-nutball cloth as Mr. Crowe. Although the "angry cross between The Doors and Nirvana" might put the ladies off a bit. It certainly puts me off, a lot.

Oh, who cares? Two meltdowns in one day! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

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