Thursday, March 24, 2005

Houston, We Have a Problem

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There's been a lot of music-related gossip this week, for some reason; and today is no different!

First up: Whitney Houston is back in rehab! Oh, what a shock! Say it ain't so! You mean she hasn't licked her addictions through "the power of prayer" like she said she would? No way!

The NY Daily News reports:
Troubled superstar Whitney Houston is again in rehab.

The singer, 41, has returned to the same treatment facility that she checked into a year ago, a source close to her family tells us.

However, Houston is likely to be receiving outpatient care, as she refuses to stay in a residential center. "She may have begun her rehabilitation as early as March 1," says the insider.

Whitney was absent from a birthday celebration for her 12-year-old daughter, Bobbi Christina, on March 4 in Norcross, Ga. It was reported at the time that Houston missed the party because of a concert commitment in Barcelona...

Houston entered rehab for the first time last March, when she checked into an Atlanta center for five days.

She was busted in January 2000 at a Hawaii airport when marijuana was found in her handbag. Charges were later dismissed, but in a 2002 interview with Diane Sawyer, the singer admitted to years of alcohol, marijuana and cocaine use. Whitney denied, however, that she had ever used crack cocaine, uttering the famous line: "I make too much [money] for me to ever smoke crack. ... Crack is wack."

The singer's rep told us, "Whitney Houston has reentered a facility for rehabilitation, and that is all we know."

I still find it amazing that someone I grew up viewing as a namby-pamby, squeaky-clean egomaniac has turned herself into a strung-out crack addict egomaniac. She is so much more interesting now! Good luck, Witney, for reals. But I can't help thinking that until you rid yourself of that albatross/merkin husband of yours, you will never be successfully rehabbed...or taken seriously as an artiste. Remember: The greatest love of all means never walking in anyone's shadow! If you fail, if you succeed, they can't take away your dignity!

In other tragic news, music fans everywhere will be devasted by the announcement that one of the greatest--and perhaps most influential--bands in the history of human existence has called it quits. Yes, brace yourself, all you lovers of finely-crafted, original, innovative musical genius, for Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts has disbanded or "evolved"...or something. From WENN:
Russell Crowe's rock band are reported to have split, after a message purportedly from the actor appeared on a number of fan websites.

The message informs devotees a new 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts (TOFOG) album will be released, but also that the band has "dissolved/evolved", as reported by gossip site The Scoop.

It reads: "What you possibly won't be pleased about, nor understand fully until you hear this record, is that TOFOG would seem to have dissolved/evolved. While that holds certain disappointments, they pale in comparison to the joy of writing unrestricted, of talking from my heart and mind simultaneously about things that are important to me now, right now, in this time of my life, not when I was younger or dare I say it less world weary/wary, but now, as a 41-year-old father/husband/lover/man."

He also encourages fans to snap up the LP - which will be released next month - giving it the following review, "This record is fresh, relavatory (sic) and graceful." And asks fans not to illegally download the record: "Please be cool about giving up your two bucks and not file sharing."

Oh, Russell. Or should I say "father/husband/lover/man." You know that LP costs more than two bucks! The overweight middle-aged ladies in Duluth, Minnesota (and Sheffield, England and Bonn, Germany and Osaka, Japan) are driving that sucker's value right throught the roof on eBay as we speak. And no, I'm not being sarcastic--I've seen those ladies with my own eyes, parked in reclining chairs outside of Stubb's in Austin for days on end when TOFOG played to teeming hordes of screaming, hysterical soccer moms. What will they do, Russell? What shall become of them? Which actor's band is going to take up the cause? Those ladies don't want Keanu--Dogstar is far too avant-garde for them. They certainly don't want Bruce Wilis--does anyone? And they really aren't the Bacon Brothers' type at all. What about their needs, Russell? What about the ladies? You can always fall back on acting and whatnot. But the ladies, Russell. The ladies. They've only got you and your terrible pub rock. And their memories...

All righty! Onto bigger and brighter things, such as the craptastic record sales of one Jennifer Lopez. It seems that poor J. Lo can't catch a break lately--the fans may finally have realized that she can't actually sing. According to WENN:
Jennifer Lopez's bid to revive her pop career has been dealt a major blow - her latest album is rapidly falling down the US album charts.

The sexy singer's movie resume has suffered in recent years under the strain of box office flops and scathing reviews, but the star was hoping her new disc Rebirth would bolster her profile.

However the album has failed to entice US music buyers into parting with their money - it's reportedly sold just 400,000 copies in three weeks on release.

A source tells British newspaper the Daily Record, "Jennifer is devastated by these numbers. It shows that her grip on the public's imagination is slipping and, let's face it, the album isn't that good. With the amount of flops she's had in her recent movies, she's pretty upset."

Oh, J. Lo. I'm positive those poor sales are due to big, bad, evil download pirates! Russell is scared to death of 'em, and you should be, too! Why, I'm sure teenage boys all over the internets are right this very minute downloading "Rebirth" for free!

Heh. You just know the tabloids are going to blame this poor performance on her husband, Marc Anthony, just like they managed to make poor, downtrodden Ben Affleck the reason for her movie flops. I, for one, certainly blame her esposo. I mean, her total lack of acting/singing ability never hurt her career before! In some ways, it may have helped. Young girls everywhere said to themselves, "Perhaps one day, I, too, will parlay a giant rump, pretty face, and unthreatening ethnic appeal into a multi-million dollar music, movie, and fashion empire." But what little kid wants to grow up and be a beponchoed hausfrau married to a tiny, controlling troll?

And finally, speaking of tiny, controlling trolls, here's one item that is blissfully music-free, albeit one that might shake Friend of Felt Up Terri R.'s belief system down to its core: The blow-jobbed penis in "The Brown Bunny" may have been a stunt double! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

ContactMusic.com reports:
A penis double has sparked a new controversy for Vincent Gallo's "Brown Bunny" movie - claiming he hasn't been paid for letting Chloe Sevigny perform fellatio on him in the film.

Gallo has always maintained he starred in the pornographic scene using remote controlled cameras which he operated himself, but now actor Jacob Christner claims his genitals were used.

Christner insists he has broken a confidentiality agreement he signed with Gallo and the producers of the film because he feels his own contract was breached when he wasn't paid.

In a statement released on the internet, Christner says, "I'm very disappointed. I was assured by the producers that I was gonna ride Vincent Gallo's d**k all the way to Hollywood but it looks like I've gotten the shaft."

Dude, how sucky is it that you totally beat me to my punchline? That really blows! Sure, you're acting cocky now, but some day you'll get your comeuppance. What a dick.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I maintain that this penis brouhaha is all a part of the carefully orchestrated performance art/fascinating insanity of Mr. Gallo. He probably paid the guy to come out with this ridiculous story! Seriously, look at that press statement!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me this isn't true! I accompanied Terri R. and enjoyed watching all the other perves in the movie theatre. Say it isn't so!

Ursula