Friday, March 04, 2005

Cry Me A River

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Sorry this "America's Next Top Model" rehash is rather late in coming, but your humble Felt Up blogette has been illin' like Bob Dylan, and not in a good way.

The show began in L.A., where Tyra Banks, Jay, and Miss J. held court in a hotel ballroom, as 35 semi-finalists strutted in underpants in front of them and cried. And cried. And cried. Not since the baby-stroller scene in "Battleship Potempkin" have so many people cried on film.

As usual, I was monumentally wrong with most of my first impressions of the contestants. The most annoying person was by far Brittany----and by far, I mean distance-to-the-outer-reaches-of-galaxy far. She didn't look crazy in her UPN website photo, but is muy loco to a nausea-inducing degree. She's one of those "I'm wacky! Did you hear me? I said wacky!"-type people who scream and wave their arms and cause a ruckus and think they are super fun and entertaining. I really hate those kind of people. Here's the watered-down recap of her audition from the UPN website:

"A vivacious Brittany enters the room and livens things up, and Jay wonders what would happen if he put Brittany and Janice Dickinson in a room together. 'I think Brittany would come out alive,' Jay says, getting a high five from Tyra."

Ha! "Livens things up," my ass. She repulsed a nation! And Jay and Tyra have lost their minds if they think Janice wouldn't immediately maul, mutilate, dismember, eat and finally barf up (in order to avoid unwanted calorie consumption) this chicadee just for sport!
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Ugh! Brittany.

It doesn't show up in her photo, but "edgy" wrestler Michelle has a real bad thick-neck problem that may prove a hindrance in her desire to become a super-model. She is so graceless and butch that I kept expecting Austin Powers to leap over, grab her by the face and yell, "It's a man, baby!"

Interestingly, the show brought back two contestants from last season who didn't make the finals, Tiffany AKA "Bitch Threw Water On My Weave" and Mary AKA "The Plus Sizer Who Wasn't Toccara." Tiffany was almost unrecognizable, as her weave has gotten a perm and she seems to have taken anger-management classes. Mary was pretty as a peach--a nice, round, juicy peach that Janice would maul, mutilate, dismember, eat and barf up. We all know how Janice feels about plus-size models.

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Sadly, Lluvy's name is not prounounced like Mrs. Howell's, but instead rhymes with "groovy." She is remarkably uncute for a wannabe model, but she seems nice enough--so far. She came into the audition wearing someone else's dress, and Tyra was all "uh, no" and told her to come back in wearing clothes that make her comfortable, which apparently is jeans and a t-shirt that says "Me So Corny" with a picture of an ear of corn. Terri R. giggled at the shirt; others in our viewing party were less amused; nay, one might even say they were slightly offended. Here, you decide:

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Lluvy so corny. She corny long time!

At the end of the first day, they divided the contestants into two groups: Over 21, and under. The of-age chicas naturally went to a bar and ran amok; the barely-legals were forced to go bowling at one of those hipster bowling alleys in L.A. Although the bowling looked much more fun to me (because I am 100 years old), the under-agers were pissed at not being able to get dizrunk and make fools of themselves on national t.v. So unfair!

Back at the hotel, it was time for more interviewin' and modelin'. A really cute and vivacious blonde plus-sizer said she'd do anything short of showing her nipples because her "grandparents are dead!" and more tears were shed when Estela, a formerly homeless single mother, vowed to do whatever it takes to make her dreams come true and improve things for her child.

A crazy person who calls herself "Lady Kat" crawled down the runway, meowing and scratching the air like an even-more-deranged-than-usual Eartha Kitt, which made Team Model squirm and squeal like leetle girls. Later, she yelled at people and Tiffany tooke her aside to tell her not to throw it all away on anger-management issues.
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Lady Kat! Meow!

Then they assembled all the girls and made them strut some more in their underpants, this time in groups. Tyra kept shrieking, "Look fierce!" as she is wont to do. The contestants are told that the they are about to be winnowed down to 20. Guess what happens next? UPN says:

"Many of the girls pray together, and some cry, intensely feeling the drive to move forward."

The following day, they gather the chicas in a hallway outside a ballroom at the hotel and tell them that inside the room are 20 folders with the names and photos of the semi-finalists. So of course they open the door and force the ladies to run like the bulls of Pamplona to the portfolios. Here's UPN's description of this scene:

"A mad dash ensues. Many of the girls scream and cry in joy when they find their photos, while the others are devastated and tearful."

At this point I had to go upstairs and make myself a Lean Cuisine roasted vegetable pizza, but I was told upon my return that the semi-finalists had to take pictures of themselves in a photo booth. Then Team Model examined the pictures. Take it away, UPN:
Tyra and the judges get together to analyze the pics, each pointing out what they like and don't like about the girls. Jay thinks Keenyah was a little flat and J. finds Tatiana a bit rough around the edges, but Tyra thinks both girls have something to offer. They like Lluvy and her "giraffe eyelashes," believe Kahlen can be molded into something special, and disagree about Noelle (Tyra digs her; Jay not so much). Naima is seen as sharp and edgy, Brittany is a little Janice Dickinson, and J. worries about Michelle's neck. Brandy's hair is a big topic of conversation: to weave or not to weave? J. loves Sarah, and Brita's got the glam thing going on, while Jay wants to keep Estela because of her emotionally moving story. Rebecca is a "clean palette," Jessika is a little one note, while Tiffany has something they can build on. J. doesn't want to see plus-sized Mary compete against the rest of the girls, despite her beauty.

The judges then announced who was staying and who was going; we already knew who stays because the photos of the finalists were posted on the website. But it was really crappy of them to get us emotionally attached to Estela, the Latina single mother who used to be homeless, and Mary, the pretty plus-size peach; although they did keep Tiffany, it seemed especially cruel to bring Mary back for humiliation number two. The UPN take:

"Tyra hugs the last six left behind, and saves her longest hug for Mary, who's had her heart broken a second time. Estella bows out with grace, knowing she and her daughter will make it no matter what."

Mary could not stop crying, it was not fun to watch. Tyra was all "I know how hard this is, but it will make you stronger," blah blah blah, as if she had nothing at all to do with what was happening to Mary. Harrumph, Tyra. Harrumph!

I'll let good ole UPN have the final word:

"The fourteen finalists are thrilled to be part of the final group, but they won't hve much time to celebrate. Soon they'll be moving into the Los Angeles loft, the challenges will begin and the real competition gets started as they all vie for the title of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well.

I must say that I feel LOTS better after reading your kickass summary of the show. I hope you do too! ~ Spare E