Thursday, March 10, 2005

Brandy, You're A Whine Girl

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It's "America's Next Top Model" rehash time! Lord, this episode was infuriating. Let's begin, shall we?

The beginning was fairly fun, with craaaazy Janice Dickinson, Nole, and Nigel dressed like cops on a Hollywood backlot that looks like New York--which is the assbackwards way they have of informing us and the contestants that the show will be based in L.A. this time instead of New York.

The contestants are immediately transformed into 1980s-style space aliens to have their first pictures taken by Nigel. It was kind of nice having the judges more actively involved in the modeling challenges; however, I was a tad too distracted by Janice's face to pay much attention. She's had some more work done, naturellment, and now she looks a tiny bit less freaky. I suppose she gets her face tweaked for upkeep every now and then--like a normal person would tune their car or have their pet groomed--and I have to admit it looked good. Well, "good" may be too strong a word, but at least "better." She still acts freaky, though, thank God; at one point she noted to no-neck Minnesotan man Michelle that she went to rehab in Minnesota in the '80s. Yay, Janice!

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Everyone was pretty good in their photos, except beautiful blonde Brita, who was self-conscious about her thighs (Nole said she was "thick"). Then they showed the waiting area and horrible, awful Brandy--oh, how I was misled by your sassy pre-show UPN photos, Brandy! Beneath that sewn-in red Afro is the brain of a spoiled, demented child!--who kept complaining that the shoot was "taking too long," that she was getting sleepy, and on and on--she just kept bitch bitch bitching and moan moan moaning. What do you think models do, Brandy? They spend their lives not eating, sleeping with old men, and waiting! When it was her turn--and many girls had to go way after her, well into the night--she had the gall to complain to Nigel, who was visibly repulsed by her behavior.

Then the girls were herded up and taken to the "fashion district" of L.A.--which is an area of warehouses near downtown that is a no-man's land at night. The contestants get really scared--despite the presence of a camera crew--when a gang of "toughs" show up out of nowhere. Well, they did come from somewhere, gals--it's called Central Casting. Dressed in denim vests, chains, and leather, they looked like they wandered in from the "Weird Science" party scene and were about as frightening as the "gangs" from the "Thriller" video. It turns out they are scary, street-tough fashion designers--oooh, aaahh--and the space behind their warehouse has been converted into a "Real World" style living space/shrine to Tyra Banks. The girls squeal and run amok. It looks to be a much larger space than the previous season's contenstants lived in; sadly, there is a workout area complete with treadmills in the middle of the living room.

Next it's the Felt Up Nightmare Come To Life: A weigh-in on national television. I didn't see the first two seasons of this show (shame on me! shame!), but I don't remember any scales being employed on season three. Most of the girls weigh in the 114-128 range (and they are all 5'8" and up), but poor, gorgeous Brita is 138 pounds--shock and horror! The entire ANTM viewing party agreed that she is by far the most beautiful contestant, so it was sad to see her so freaked out. The viewing party thought the reason she weighed more than the others had more to do with her being muscular and fit rather than fat. Poor, shocked Miss J., who administered the weigh-in, looked like he might faint when he read the number out loud.

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Fatty McPudge. Look at those arms! How dare she want to model?

Oh, and f-ing Brandy woke up complaining about the state of her hair-do; apparently, Miss Thing thought series regular Danilo yanked her hairs too hard during the previous day's photo shoot. Her roommate, Keenyah, the pretty Compton native, tells the camera that she doesn't like to complain and that they could do anything to her and it would be fine, a statement which will bite her on the ass later in the show.

Then it was Makeover Time! Hurrah! The girls are brought to a fancy salon and told what will happen to each of them; Brandy is the only one deemed "fierce" enough to keep her current look. Now, most of the time, the contestants are anxious and worried about getting a drastically different look (which is a pet peeve of mine--hello! You want to be a model? They could shave your head, paste pubic hairs to your scalp, and paint neon stripes on your eyeballs and you have to say "thank you sir, may I have another?"--that's what modeling is all about! That and not eating, sleeping with old men, and waiting, of course); but oh, no, not Brandy. She is pissed that they aren't going to give her a new look and basically demands a makeover. I predicted right then and there that no matter what they did to her, she would hate it.

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F-ing Brandy. Ugh!

Well, call me Nostradamus, because Brandy loathed and despised everything they did to her. She didn't like her short haircut because it made her look like a boy; she didn't like her eyebrows because she is a complaining, annoying beyotch. For some strange reason, Keenyah has a freak out about her proposed new haircut before they actually do anything to her. Jay, who I can't stand but sort of sympathized with here, was at his wit's end with these prima donnas. Nobody out-divas Her Majesty Jay Manuel! Nobody!

Eventually Keenyah calmed down and they did the haircut and makeup job on her and...not only did she love it, but immediately regretted making a big stink about it. Uh, yah. Hello, you're in a competition, here, Keenyah! Brandy had no such qualms and kept squawking loudly about her damn hair and eyebrows. Surprisingly enough, everyone else was pretty excited about their makeovers, especially Tiffany, the contestant who was brought back from last season, who looks way better with a long, straight weave than with a tight, curly one.

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Tiffany, hangin' in there with new hair and lookin' good!

Michelle the Man, who had to suck it up for a painful bleaching process, was pleased with the results of her dye job and new makeup. (Tanya B., who has had her share of faux-blonde hairdos, scoffed at this so-called endurance of discomfort. "I've had scabs on my scalp, that's all I'm sayin'," said she.) Michelle looked one thousand percent better; still a man, yes, but a pretty man.

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Michelle: Dude looks like a lady!

Tyra shows up and announces that two of the girls "really pissed" her off, and we all know which two it was. Keenyah is wishing she'd kept her big trap shut; Brandy looks smug and hateful.

They take a series of topless photos to show off the girls' new looks, but then never show them again, not even during the judging. Odd.

Next it's time to critique the alien-on-the-backlot photos and evaluate the makeovers. Here, read the UPN website's summation, because frankly, I'm beginning to feel a little like I've been on the "America's Next Top Model" version of the Bataan Death March:
When the deliberations begin, Brittany, Tiffany, Naima and especially Sarah get high marks. Janice, who nicknames Lluvy "SUV," thinks she is "so cute" in person, but her beauty didn't translate to the photo. Tyra is still irritated with Keenyah's reaction to the makeover. Janice loves Christina, but Nigel wonders whether she has enough sex appeal. Though Brandy can take a good photo, "no one wants her around." They like Kahlen's photo, and Tyra says Rebecca "moves like the girls that are working in magazines already." Nigel isn't sure about Tatiana's face, and Janice comments that Noelle changed her new hairstyle back to her old curly one for judging. Michelle has potential, and though she has a tough look, Nolé would like to see her continue.

Everyone thinks that Keenyah and Brandy will be the final two, because they had such sucky attitudes (although in my view Keenyah had a momentary lapse of sanity, while every fiber of Brandy's being is demanding, irritating, and childish); however, never underestimate the power of slightly "thick" thighs to disgust a panel of modeling judges, for it is Brandy and Brita in the end.

Although Brita is a raving beauty and Brandy is a raging bitch, it is Brita who gets the axe. They are not even going to pay lip service to the idea of a slightly-larger-than-anorexic model this season; there are no plus-size contestants and the first one eliminated was 138 pounds of solid muscle. And was absolutely stunning. And was not Brandy. This really doesn't bode well for the rest of the show. Boo, hiss!

Oh, yeah. Brandy cried when she got to stay. Bleh!

I miss "Project Runway"...sniffle, sniffle.

1 comment:

Steve said...

I'm with you! Brita was smoking hot. Thick?!? All women should aspire to the heiferdom that is Brita.
I don't really know why I watch that show. They always think the weirdos are hot and the pretty ones are blah. Oh well...
Funny site!!