Wednesday, March 02, 2005

America's Next Top Model

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Thank god it's Wednesday! That's because, though we mourn the loss of "Project Runway," we will have nary a moment to cry bitter tears--it's "America's Next Top Model" time again! Those geniuses at UPN knew that a certain segment of the viewing public would be anxious to keep those Wednesday fashion-related reality show viewing parties going, so they wisely scheduled ANTM to fill the void! Our Wednesday nights are safe for another season! Hurrah!

In order for my loyal Felt Up readers to be as mentally prepared as possible for the grueling challenge that lays ahead--watching Janice Dickinson for any length of time takes training, stamina, and lots of discipline, people! Eat your Wheaties!--I hereby give you the Felt Up America's Next Top Model pre-premiere rundown!

First up, my picks for possible favorites, based irrationally and arbitrarily on the contestants' photos and brief background info on the UPN website. These are not who I think will win, God no. These are the ones I think will be most fun to watch over the course of the season.

My first choice is Brandy. She is pretty, African-American, fierce-looking, hails from Houston (holla!), has a semi-normal name, and best of all rocks a first-class red Afro:

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My second choice is not based on looks at all. In fact, she was going to win my "Most Likely To Be Fugly and Bitchy" Award. But then I took a gander at Lluvy's profile (yes, her name is Lluvy) and took special note of her occupation, which is listed as "janitor," and she immediately became a contender for fave rave. She may still turn out to be an annoying beyotch, but I have to give props to anyone who is a semi-unattractive janitor and dreams of modeling underpants in magazines. Also she's wearing a bulldog t-shirt, which is endearing. Here's Lluvy:

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Do you think anyone will make a "Gilligan's Island" crack about her name? Maybe Tyra's old enough to have seen it. We know Janice certainly is! If we're really lucky perhaps Janice will say "Lluvy" in a Thurston Howell III accent. Huzzah!

Another contender for "most interesting" is Michelle. She is a 19 year-old brunette from Terra Haute, Indiana. And she's a wrestler. Yes, that is what is says under "occupation." Also her favorite show is "Iron Chef," her favorite movie is "Trainspotting," and her favorite magazine is Jane, all of which officially qualifies her to be the token "avant-garde edgy hipster" in the ANTM universe. Here's Michelle:

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OK. As for least favorites, I would have to say Tatiana is right up there. First of all, her name is Tatiana. Also, she lives in Hawaii, is 18 years old, and her favorite food is "salad." She seems incapable of smiling. Oh, and Maxim is one of her favorite magazines, along with Cosmo and Vogue. Heh. She may very well be pretty and tall and young enough to model, but her profile leaves me cold. We shall see, Tatiana, if that is your real name. We shall see.

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Did I mention how much I hate that she's wearing a bikini top in her picture? Bleh.

So far, Tatiana is the only stand-out for Most Vile. The rest are far too average and normal, at least in their profiles. It's hard to tell them apart: They are all pretty, tallish, young, have bizarre names, and like sushi. We will have to wait for the premiere to find out whose soul is black and shrivelled; who has claws instead of fingers; who Janice thinks is too fat.

I can't wait!

To check out the ANTM contenders, go the official website:


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sooooooo excited for Top Model! I did take a gander at the website earlier but did not notice the occupations. I have to say I love a rags to riches story so I kinda hope that the janitor wins but only if she's not a bitch.