Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Time for another edition of Highlights from Star Magazine! Huzzah!

There's a lot going on on the cover. First we have "Nick & Jessica FIGHTING & CRYING!" with a photo of Jessica apparently sobbing next to a non-sad-looking Nick: "She's Shattered As He Stays Out Till 4:30am & Parties Hard With Other Women." A tiny bar reads "EXCLUSIVE: He's Locked Out of the House!" Then on the side there is a photo of Brad & Jen: "Are They Still Split?" Best of all is a really funny picture of Britney Spears way down in the bottom corner of the cover, with her mouth hangin' open, lookin' like a trashy version of the lady from "Les Miz": "BRITNEY'S AGONY: Is Kevin Still In Love With His Ex?"

There's some coverage inside of the Screen Actors Guild Awards--yawn. Superbowl Stars: yawn, yawn. Fashion Week Stars: You'd think this would perk me up, but nooooooooo! The photos are of Laura Bush (!), Christie Brinkley, and hideous Tori Spelling...yawn, yawn, yawn. Even Lil' Kim is boring me to tears--all covered up---what's the point of that, formerly-awesome ex-hoochie mama? Why do you disappoint me so? Crazy professional show-off Kimora Lee Simmons, at least, looks suitably mad in her plunging white "Charlie's Angels"-style jumpsuit at her Baby Phat show, and her two cute teeny daughters look really funny walking next to her in matching Ugg-style white furry boots. Awww! Crazy fashion freaks in training! Tres adorable.

Then Star asks the question on a nation's lips: "Demi & Ashton: Is He Being Pushed To PROPOSE?" The accompanying article says that "Ashton is still a bit of a player. He is crazy about Demi, but he has a wandering eye." Heh. The best part? Next to a phot of the not-so-happy May/December couple is the caption: "Dude! Where's my engagement ring?!" Double heh. By the way, I didn't think it was humanly possible, but Demi is looking thinner than ever. Have I ever mentioned my deep personal loathing for Demi Moore? It grows daily, as she shrinks before our eyes. Bleh!

Next up is "Should These Women Be Worried?" which refers to the women (serial costar canoodler Jennifer Garner and baby-provider Danielle Spencer) who love/are married to two caddish actors (Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe). The answer: YES. The article speculates wildly on the possibility of Ben and/or Rusty cheating on their beloveds with their hot costars. Ben is in a new movie with Rebecca Romijn, and Rusty is "down under," as it were, with frozen wax figure Nicole Kidman. Personally, I doubt there will be high-jinks with these particular co-stars, since Romijn has taken leave of her senses and gotten serious with eternal frat boy Jerry O'Connell, and Nicole Kidman is no longer technically a human being since she replaced her blood with Botox. No, if I were these ladies, I would be more worried about the assorted casino barmaids, strippers, "models," Playboy Bunnies, etc. who parade throught these men's lives on a daily, perhaps even hourly, basis. But what do I know?

In the "Couples" section, we have a headline sure to give Terri R. a cheap thrill--albeit a short-lived one, as Star is playing cruel games with our love of homoeroticism: "Orlando Chose Johnny Depp Over Kate!" Yes, thanks a lot, Star, for raising the fragile hopes and dreams of a people with this innuendo...only to dash them to smithereeens with the revelation that it was the busy schedule of filming the "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel that drove a wedge between Bosworth and Bloom, not the pouty lips of Mr. Depp. However, Terri will be glad to know that the nail in the coffin of B/B's romance was an all-nighter of "beer-soaked" revelry Bloom spent with one Sean Bean! Yes, the article quotes "British gossip-columnist Leigh Purves," who says that "Orlando loves a big night out with the boys, and Bean is a real hell-raiser." Sigh. Orlando Bloom is way too pretty for my blood, but snarly brute Sean Bean is another story altogether. Swoon!

Then there's a tres boring "All Bundled Up" photospread, featuring such luminaries as Kelly Ripa, Jerry Lewis, Dick Cheney (!), and Madonna (she bores me now) wrapped up in expensive puffy coats for the cold weather. Like I give a crap!

Next is a "ripped-straight-from-Desperate-Housewives" headline: "Julia: Jealous Of Her Nannies?" Apparently, little miss control-freak hired three full-time nannies to take car of her twins, after first carefully screening them to make sure they have excellent references, relevant previous work experience, and are butt-ugly unattractive trolls.

OK. The first cover story we come to is "Nick & Jessica: All But Over?" The in-depth investigation by Star recounts more Nick-gone-wild-at-the-Superbowl stories (beer-drinking! touching/feeling/kissing cheerleaders/fans/"Asian brunettes"/Jessica look-alikes! shots of Cuervo! much whispering! lots o' laffs!). The article speculates that Jessica must have gotten wind of her hubby's shennanigans, because the next night "Nick showed up at the Playboy pre-Super Bowl party...chaperoned by none other than Jessica's father, Joe Simpson, and by Ryan Cabrera, the boyfriend of Jessica's sister Ashlee." Poor Nick. Does the punishment really fit the crime? Isn't being married to whiny retard Jessica enough? A week earlier, Star reports breathlessly, Jessica locked Nick out of her rental house in Baton Rouge after he stayed out until 4:30 am par-taying. Interestingly, there is no mention of the gossip that has been circulating on the Internets about Jessica allegedly engaging in some not-so-innocent salad-tossing with male whore Johnny Knoxville. There is, however, a sidebar on her new "Perk-Up-The-Bedroom Plan," which involves red satin underpants, stripper music, and reading Jenna Jameson's essential tome How To Make Love Like A Pornstar. Hmmm...It. Just. Might. Work!

Then there is a funny little photospread about Mary-Kate "The Thin One" Olsen's "Strip Show," which sadly only refers to her peeling off layers 1-17 of her 25 layers of frumpy bag-lady clothing in order to reveal her new, spring-like self wearing...a frumpy bag-lady sack dress and cowboy boots. At least her scrawny arms and legs are getting aired out a bit, I guess.

Ahh. Onto the big boys. "Brad & Jen: ARE THEY FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN?" The answer: NO.

Hee-hee! The best is yet to come! "Paris Hilton--This Butt's For You!" features snarktastic before and after photos of She Who Shall Not Be Named with and without faux butt implants! Lord, does she need them. A doctor notes that "Paris has no shelf to her buttocks. Her butt lacks projection." Snort! Guffaw! Oh, Star. Just when I think I'm out...you keep pullin' me back in!

The last cover story: "Is Kevin Still In Love With Shar?" The basis for this world-shaking query? Pa Federline has been seen wearing...dum da dum dum...cornrows! Yes, it seems that Shar just loved seeing her Kevvie all braided up, and his new 'do is a sure sign that he's trying to please his baby-mama. Apparently, one of the reasons Britney is so obsessed with conceiving Cletus' child is that she's jealous of the "special bond" he has with Shar because of their kids; most wonderfully, Britney allegedly crashed Kev-Kev's "boys' night out" in Vegas "because she thought she was ovulating!" Wow. I am momentarily speechless. I am without speech.

I'm back!

Next we have a truly gag-inducing photo of Lisa Marie Presley and her new husband-to-be, a musician named Michael Lockwood who seems to have some kind of gouter condition. I'm sure that four is her lucky number, though. With her track record and his deformed neck, what could possibly go wrong?

Reality show crap takes up the next several pages. Yuck!

But wait, I've spoken too soon. Here's a pretty good rhetorical question: "What Is Daniel Baldwin's Problem?" Besides being fat and careerless, you mean? Apparently he's on the VH1 show "Celebrity Fit Club" with Liv's sister Mia Tyler and The Snapple Lady, and is causing a lot of drama by yelling at the crew, fighting with his co-stars, and not showing up. Star wonders out loud if "Baldwin's boorishness" is "just the latest in a string of erratic behavior, inluding a 1998 drug binge that landed him in the hospital?" Oh, please, let the answer be yes! I have to admit that I have a soft spot in my tiny heart for any celeb, however minor, however washed-up, who goes on a drug binge!

That's pretty much it for the good stuff. The back page's "HEY! Remember Me?" features Fab from Milli Vanilli. Supposedly, according to Star he is still working, barely; while Rob, who died in 1998 of a tragic drug overdose, is not.

Don't forget to watch The 2005 Westminster Kennel Club Show tonight on the USA Network, it's the only sporting event that matters! Is this (pleasepleaseplease) the Year of the Corgi? Will Coco finally win before she retires? How could that Pomeranian who wowed us last year not make it to the finals? Are Neapolitan mastiffs going to clean up their first year at the Show? THE DRAMA IS KILLING ME ALREADY! Stay tuned for a full report tomorrow...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty broken up about that Pomeranian, actually. Never before have I been so wowed by a Westminster show doggie as that Pom last year. Sigh. Where is the justice?

Terri R.