Sunday, February 27, 2005

Oscar Blog-mania: New Consolidated Version!

NOTE: This was originally 12 posts, now consolidated into one easy-to-read version!

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My clever boy wonder Chepo made me a cute graphic! Aww!

At the last minute, I decided to do a real-time live blog of the Academy Awards. This will be extremely arbitrary and not at all comprehensive, just whatever strikes my fancy. Joining me now in the snark-a-rama are Friends of Felt Up Terri R. and Ursula F.. Please forgive any spelling/syntax errors, I am but flesh and blood. I'm not a blogging machine!

6:55pm: We are watching the E! red carpet pre-show with national disgrace Star "I Married Big Gay Al" Jones...Kathy Grffin is apparently in a holding pen away from the celebrities. She keeps implying that every female star is a lesbian and said that Renee Zellweger looked like she was "retaining water." I heart you, Kathy!

Ooh, Ursula just asked what Star had on the back of her neck, and Terri replied "a bar code"--heh. It turned out to be her microphone battery pack. Damn.

7:03 Heinous Billy Bush is making a fool out of himself, yet again. Who is this clown? When will his reign of terror end?

7:07pm How can Renee Zellweger see through those squinty eyes? Leo DiCaprio is not a popular person at our viewing party. Terri R. says she only liked him when he "played the 'tard in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Ha ha. Me, too.

7:10pm Virginia Madsen looks great, if a tad mermaidish in her dress.

SHUT UP, BILLY BUSH!

Ursula F. is opening a bottle of champers!

We totally invited ourselves over to Terri's place, by the way. Thanks, Terri R., for hosting our --ooh, Kirsten Dunst dyed her hair blonder and has a bob! It looks really cute! And I never thought I'd say that.

7:15 Cate Blanchett looks nice.

7:17 Don Cheadle! Terri R. thinks he should have had some teeth whitening.

Clive Owen. Sorry, I must now swoon.

Scarlett "Letter" Johansen
has on a nice dress, but her hair looks frizzy; Terri says it's "poodle-y." She did just give props to Judy Garland, but I still hate her.

7:25 Aaah! What's wrong with Mike Myers? "Is he aging poorly?" asks Terri R. "His nose looks wide and mottled. Is he drinking too much?" He does look terrible. Kind of a W.C. Fields look to him, and not in a good way.

7:30 OSCAR TIME!

History of movies montage. Dustin Hoffman narrating, maybe.

Chris Rock is getting a standing o!

He is totally dissing stars, especially Jude Law!

Jamie Foxx's daughter is adorable. She looks like she's wearing her first communion dress, says Ursula. I'm glad she's not skanked out like some other youngsters out there. Kudos, Jamie Foxx's daughter!

Chris Rock is doing some anti-Bush material. "Warren Beatty loves it!" notes Terri.

7:43 Halle Berry is presenting Best Art Direction. We don't like her long hair. Chris Rock just said she was in "Monster's Ball" and "is about to appear in 'Catwoman 2.'" Terri R. says, "Meooow!"

They just showed Leo's galpal Gisele whatshername. Terri R. says she looks like she's wearing "crumpled bedsheets."

Renee Zellweger's dress is getting props, but Ursula doesn't like her dark hair. She's presenting "Best Supporting Actor." And the winner is...Morgan Freeman! Poor Thomas Haden Church will never get another chance. But Morgan is great. He's getting a standing o! What a classy speech! Bravo, Morgan! I have always loved him, since "Electic Company." He's also hot. HOT, I say. In our illegal Oscar betting pool, the three of us are scored evenly. We all voted for Morgan.

7:54 Collective groan from our party as Robin Williams comes to the stage. Although he just dissed Joan Rivers, so I give him one tiny point. Yech, I spoke too soon! He just said "you, go girl"--point lost. I giveth and I taketh away, Robin Williams! Now he's doing Elmer Fudd, which is material he's been doing since 1976! He's presenting Best Animated Feature...we all voted for "The Incredibles." And the winner is..."The Incredibles." Yay! We are all tied!

The guy who did "The Incredibles" did a very sweet speech. Ursula thinks he has a bit of a "Corky" look to him.

8:00pm Cate Blanchett is presenting Best Sound Something or Other from out in the audience. It's kind of weird. The winners are accepting for "Lemony Snickett" from the aisle. Crazy!

8:02 Little Girl Lost Drew Barrymore is presenting one of the nominations for Best Song. Her hair looks funny. It's in an up-do, but it looks like it got cut short. Why is Beyonce singing everything? When did she take over the world? This song is in French! We all want her dress and the body in it, however. There's a chorus of little boys and Ursula wants to know if any of them are "getting boners" from being so near Beyonce. It's the question on a nation's lips!

8:13 Scarlett "Letter" Johansen is talking about some nerdy tech awards. Speaking of which, my main squeeze Chepo P. just came in and called me a nerd for my real-time blogging. Pot, meet kettle!

8:15 Pierce Brosnan is hoarse and presenting Best Costume Design. Terri R. wants Sandy Powell to win for "The Aviator" because of her work on "Velvet Goldmine." That's Terri R.'s way. And the winner is...Sandy Powell! Terri is excited. Chepo thinks Sandy Powell has a "lezzie" vibe.

8:19 Tim Robbins looks awful. What's wrong with his face? He's presenting Best Supporting Actress. And the winner is...Cate Blanchett. So far, this has been very predictable. Yawn. Snooze. Cate is apparently married to a shlump. Is he rich or something? Ursula picked Laura Linney, so she's one down. The rest of us picked Cate.

Oh, God, is it the Parade of Dead People already? No, no, it's just a Johnny Carson tribute. Whew! I wasn't emotionally prepared...Terri R. has an excellent point: Are they going to make this big a deal over Marlon Brando's death? Because as much as we all love Johnny, come on.

Leo DiCaprio is presenting Best Documentary...all the nominees are standing on the stage. The winner is..."Born Into Brothels"! YES! Jennifer is the only one who picked it! Hotcha! Always pick the movie about destitue children in Calcutta, people. That is your Felt Up lesson for the day. The lady who made the movie has all-too visible nipples.

Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are presenting Best Editing. The winner is...some lady for "The Aviator."

Uh oh, Chepo says Mike Myers looks like Ursula's fave rave Zach Braff. Ursula looks pissed! Counting Crows are playing one of the nominated songs--what, Beyonce couldn't play all the instruments? We all think Adam Durowitz or whatever his name is from the Counting Crows looks exactly like Kid from Kid-n-Play...which has led into a spirited discussion of the merits or lack thereof of "House Party" I-III, and possibly IV, which did not actually star Kid or Play.

8:42 This is an odd couple: Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones...oh, wait, it's a comedy bit. She's not coming out. Chris Rock is doing her part. Har-de-har-har. He's presenting Best Adapted Screenplay...the winner is Alexander Payne and some other guy for "Sideways." The only award those poor suckers are going to get all night, we predict. Ursula picked "Finding Neverland," so she's down two. The rest of us picked right. Because this is so far the most predictable Oscars of all time.

8:46 Jake Gyllenhaal and the lady from "House of Flying Daggers" are presenting Best Visual Effects. This is not part of our betting pool, so we are not paying much attention. The nominated nerds are all on the stage...the winner was the guy who did "Spiderman 2." Ursula thinks he has big ears.

8:48 The president of the Academy is babbling about something. Eek! Al Pacino is presenting a special award to Sidney Lumet. Chepo speaks for us all when he says "Who gives a shit, dude?" Terri wants to know if Al Pacino is four feet tall. The answer: YES. Ursula says, "Whatever Al is talking about, it's taking too long." You speak for the world, lady. You speak for the world. Standing O for Sidney. Third one of the night! They just showed some lady with gigantic fake bazooms--is she his May/December wife? Or his daughter? For some reason I keep thinking that someone with humongous boob implants can't be Sidney Lumet's daughter. But what do I know? Mickey Rooney's face just came on the screen, which Terri R. calls a "buzz kill." She also says Mickey is thinking "Where am I? Where are my goofballs?" Heh.

Emmy Rossum from "Phantom of the Opera" is presenting another best song, again sung by Beyonce. As Terri so eloquently put it, "somewhere Minnie Driver is committing suicide," since she sang the song in the movie and got passed over at the last minute. AAAAAAAH! They just showed PRINCE!

Jeremy Irons is presenting Best Live Action Short from the audience. I'm getting behind here...some English lady won and said "Dog's bollocks" in her speech. Laura Linney is doing Best Animated Short...some guy won. Accepting the award from the aisle is freaky!

9:14 Kate Winslet is presenting Best Cinematography...we are too mesmerized by her lovely blue dress to notice anything she is saying. I tell Chepo he is allowed to like her. Aren't I nice? Ursula notes how soothing her voice sounds, which is true, because she's English. The winner looks like Colonel Sanders according to Ursula, and like Edgar Winters, according to Chepo.

We are flipping to "Muppet Treasure Island" during the commercial. Tim Curry is hilarious! And oh, Miss Piggy, how I love you! Mwah! Mwah!

Your blogette is going to have a champers break.

OK, I'm back! Sweet, delicious champers...

The consensus is that Frank Oz is a dick. A total dick.

Chris Rock just made a booby joke, to the approval of all. He said something about the "next four presenters, Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz." Tee hee! They got the Sound Mixing nominee nerds up on the stage. Terri R. says they are totally putting the nerds with the hot ladies on this show. And it's true.
Terri points out that Salma Hayek's boobs were once referred to as "shock and awe" tactics by Joe Bob Briggs. Terri also is weighing the pros and cons of cultivating Salma's sexy bangs hair-do, much to our approval.

Now Salma is presenting another song, this one from "The Motorcyle Diaries," beautifully sung by not Beyonce. For once. Oh, hell, it's Carlos Santana. EEK! Bring back Beyonce, please! But wait just a doggone minute...Are my eyes deceiving me? The dude singing looks exactly like Antonio Banderas. Oh my god...It is Antonio Banderas! Wow. Now he's flamenco dancing! Terri says no matter how cheesy he gets she will always love him. "Adios, Antonio. Adios mi amigo," says Terri when the song is over.

Natalie Portman is presenting Best Documentary Short Subject, and all of the nominees seem very serious and hard-hitting. We are too busy debating Natalie's severe look to pay much attention. Terri R. likes it. I think she needs earrings. We are an Oscar party divided. Like a microcosm of the nation. I get to be a blue state, because it's my blog.

9:38 John Travolta, who Chris Rock says is "Oprah's favorite white man" is presenting Best Original Score. The composer for "Finding Neverland" is the winner. First--perhaps only--award for this movie. He is apparently German. Also there's something on his forehead--warts, wonders Terri R.?

Martin Scorsese comes out. He is two feet tall, says Terri, who is en fuego tonight, by the way. He's giving out a humanitarian award. They have those in L.A.? Humanitarians, I mean. We know they have awards.

There's some matronly lady they keep showing in the audience that Terri calls "Bette Midler." Who is she? By the way, if the real Bette Midler knew we were saying this, she would die a million deaths.

Annette Bening is presenting something. We all hate her hair. A lot. Ursula thinks she has that disease where you pull all your hairs out. Oh, god! It's the Parade of Death! I'll be back when I've collected myself...

OK, I'm back. Marlon Brando got four movie scenes instead of one in the Parade of Death. But Johnny Carson got way, way more screen time. What an outrage. And where the f was Charles Bronson?

P. Diddy is presenting another song. What does he have to do with the price of tea in China? More Beyonce. She's wearing another one of those mermaid dresses.

10:00 OMG. Prince is presenting the award for Best Song! He's wearing a purple tux! And the winner is...the song from "The Motorcyle Diaries." The composer bowed to Prince! Terri is pledging her love to him, whoever he is. The composer, not Prince. We know who he is.

10:02 Sean Penn is being a total tool. Chris Rock made a joke at the beginning about Jude Law being in too many movies; Sean Penn is taking him to task. Boo, hiss! "Way to kill my buzz," says Terri. He's presenting Best Actress...Chepo called Hillary's husband Chad Swank (hee hee)...and the winner is: Hilary Swank. Poor Annette Bening--she's Oscarless and hairless. Chad Swank is crying. We are wondering what he does now, you know, for a living. They have no kids, so as Terri points out, he can't be Mr. Mom.

F-ing Gwyneth Paltrow is presenting Best Foreign Film..."The Sea Inside" wins. We all picked that one in our pool, except Ursula, who picked the French movie. Gwyneth reads the winner en espanol, like a jackass. God, I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! Her makeup is terrible. She looks washed out and blah, as usual. Bleh!

Samuel L. Jackson is looking good, presenting Best Original Screenplay...and the winner is Charlie Kaufman for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," which won kudos from the assembled party-goers, both for the quality of the writing and because we all picked it for the pool.

10:22 Charlize Theron is coming out to present Best Actor...and seeing the scene from "Ray" we all ask: Where's Booger's nomination? He played Atlantic Records head Ahmet Ertegun...Do I even have to say who won? We all know it's Jamie Foxx...He's getting a standing O--except for Leo! Diss!

10:32 pm Julia"Horseface" Roberts is presenting Best Director. And the winner is...Clint Eastwood, naturally. Standing O number five. Jesus: Clint's mother is there! She's 96. Clint's wife is giving Julia Roberts the evil eye. Terri says the wife is a fiery Latina and will "cut" Julia if she doesn't back away from the Clint.

10:35 Babs Streisand and Dustin Hoffman are presenting Best Picture...They are the same height! She just called Dustin "honey." And the winner is..."Million Dollar Baby."

I have won the Oscar pool! I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible!

You like me! You really, really like me!

Everyone owes me a dollar.

Go to bed Sperry!

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