Monday, February 14, 2005

The non-news has been a' comin' hot-n-heavy all weekend long...and now WENN reports that "Matthew Perry has been rushed to the hospital after suffering a series of severe drug-induced seizures." Boy, it has been way too long since the phrase "drug-induced seizures" has figured prominently in a celeb story. Huzzah!

The plot thickens:

"The Friends actor, who played Chandler Bing in the hit US television series, was admitted under a false name to Los Angeles' UCLA hospital after a horrific adverse reaction to prescription drugs on Wednesday.

Emergency tests on the star revealed traces of barbiturates, normally prescribed to aid sleep or calm anxiety.

Perry has a history of prescription drug addiction and has been in and out of rehab since 1997. His spokeswoman says, 'His doctor wanted him in the hospital where they could observe his condition. But he's fine.'"

Now, far be it from me to say anything whatsoever about a little pill' poppin'. Anyone who knows your humble Felt Up blogette is surely aware of her rather European attitude towards prescription drugs. And bathing. But Matthew Perry is such a train-wreck, man! He seems to be thisclose to the edge of insanity at all times--remember when he dated devil woman Liz "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurley? Clearly he is a very troubled man. Perhaps he could team up with Tom "The Whizzinator" Sizemore on some kind of druggie buddy movie? Stranger things have happened, after all...

Onto the sex! In honor of St. Valentine's Day, I present this very romantic headline from the NY Post's Page Six column:

"HIP-HOP 'WHORE' NAMES NAMES"

It brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? So sweet and touching! Here's the story:

"Usher, Jay-Z, Chris Rock, Ja Rule, Ice-T, Vin Diesel and other stars of hip-hop and movies who have had run-ins with Karinne Steffans may want to call their lawyers and spin doctors.

Steffans, the legendary hip-hop groupie/video vixen/wannabe actress who goes by the nickname "Superhead," just signed a 'lucrative' deal with HarperCollins' imprint Amistad books to 'tell all — and we mean all,' said a publishing insider.

The source added, 'The memoir is being described as a tell-all, but also a cautionary tale for young women who think that life in the entertainment world is all roses and no thorns. There is juicy dish on a number of multi-platinum and box-office blockbuster celebrities, including never before revealed tidbits about Karinne's escapades with some of hip-hop and Hollywood's leading men.'

Steffans will detail a 'five-day sex romp with a hugely successful, raspy-voiced rapper-actor not long after her arrival in L.A. in 2000; her much cherished time spent with actor Ice-T, whom she considers a mentor and credits with rescuing her and her son from an abusive relationship; and her last days as the ultimate party girl, living it up in Miami on New Year's Eve with the likes of Xzibit and Sean 'Puffy' Combs.'

Steffans, now a columnist for King magazine, wrote on Vibe magazine's Web site after the mag profiled her last year: 'I was the biggest and best whore around . . . but I was never disrespected once by anyone but myself. I lived with some of these people . . . met their families, wives, kids included.'

Steffans says she has sold her rights for a movie and adds: 'So, when someone asks, what have I gotten out of this, the answer is my self-respect by being honest and unafraid, and about $7.3 million.'

Steffans, who showed up in just a bathrobe with Usher in a BMW at a Century City Hotel last Christmas after his split with Naomi Campbell, boasted at the time, 'I was a surprise for him after a hard day's work . . . I was his Christmas present. I had on a bow. He got his gift in the car.'"

Aww, that last part is particularly heart-warming! I wonder what the gift she gave him in the car could possibly be, though? Some kind of driving goggles? A car emergency kit like the one my mom gave me, complete with flares? A single long-stemmed rose? Candy? Who doesn't love candy? Hmmm....It's kind of a job figuring this out...it's really blowing my mind!

Well, whatever her special present was, I say: Kudos, slutty lady! But two things I don't understand: 1) What kind of nickname is "Superhead"? What is she, some kind of brainiac or something? and 2) If no one disrespected her but herself, she got along swell with the wives and kids, and ended up with $7.3 million, where exactly are the "thorns" in this "cautionary tale"? It all sounds pretty damn good to me...

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