Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lots of goodies today, so let's just jump right in, shall we? First, from Page Six, an update on the down-again, down-again Kate Moss/Pete Doherty Doomed Love Affair:

"While her friends are pleased this little dalliance has come to an end (via text message, no less), the ex-Libertines front man won't let it go.

'She's beautiful and amazing, and I want to marry her,' Doherty told the United Kingdom's Channel 4.

'I know I've met the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life.'

The iconic model, how ever, doesn't seem to care. On Saturday night, she was kicking up her heels with five friends at Indochine on Lafayette Street."

So I guess a rolling stone really does gather no Moss, eh? It's kind of sad, actually. The poor guy wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but Kate already has plans for next month. Which is about how long he has to live. Bud dum dum. Thank you! Try the veal!

Page Six also has a juicy blind item today. They are "just asking" which:

"Hunky actor with a famous new girlfriend has been secretly sleeping with a recently divorced actress who herself has a new man? The cheaters are said to have a raging cocaine habit in common."

I have absolutely no idea who this could be about. The recently divorced actress MIGHT be Diane Lane, because she just got re-married to spouse-abuser/armpit licker/Goonie Josh Brolin. But who knows? usually has a "guess the spoiler" feature, and if they post some juicy readers' guesses, I shall report back, oh, yes I shall.

From WENN, we learn that Elizabeth "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurley is--surprise!--barely alive after starving herself for two years to lose her pregnancy weight:

"Doctors have warned Elizabeth Hurley the diet she uses to stay in shape is ruining her health.

The actress has revealed she shed all the weight she gained while pregnant with two-year-old son Damian, by eating just one meal a day and going to bed hungry.

But using the diet over a long period of time puts Hurley at risk of contracting bone and muscle wasting conditions - and may jeopardize her chances of conceiving another child."

HA! As if losing bone density, muscle mass, and the ability to conceive another child would be enough to make Liz eat 2,000 calories a day. She would much rather turn herself into a boneless, muscle-less android. (In fact, she may already have.) I'm actually surprised she eats one whole meal a day. I remember a while back she told a magazine that she maintains her bony ass "figure" by smoking like a fiend and eating, say, one chocolate bar a day. Maybe motherhood has softened her? Snort! Guffaw! By the way, while we are on the subject of Liz Hurley, can I mention once more how much I hate and loathe her? Ever since she wore that stupid whorish safety-pin Versace dress that I totally coveted, I have despised her. I can't stand a person who a) gets famous for doing nothing but being someone's girlfriend, b) talks about how skinny she is, and c) is a total biyatch. Plus she scares me. Not like Kathleen Turner does (in my nightmares Kathleen forces me to drink and smoke until I LOOK AND SOUND JUST LIKE HER! AAAAAAAAAAH!), but in a more evil, sinister way. She is, quite simply, the devil. She was even in a documentary about her life called "Bedazzled"! AND, as I've said before, and will say again: HER SON'S NAME IS DAMIAN! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SULPHUROUS FUMES OF THE FIERY PITS OF HELL, PEOPLE! LIZ HURLEY IS SATAN!

And, finally, from CNN, this little tidbit, for laffs:

"A woman has pleaded guilty to selling on eBay three nonexistent cases of Duff brand beer -- the favorite of cartoon character Homer Simpson.

Tara Edith Woodford, 28, pleaded guilty in the Mackay Magistrates Court in northern Queensland state on Wednesday to three charges of dishonestly gaining money by false pretenses.

Prosecutor Gavin Burnett told the court Woodford was paid a total of Aust. $1,951 ($1,511) by three separate buyers after advertising the bogus beer on the eBay Internet auction site.

Duff is the beer brand of choice for Homer Simpson and his barfly friends in the animated U.S. television series 'The Simpsons'.

In the mid-1990s, two breweries released their own 'Duff Beer' in Australia until legal action by the creators of 'The Simpsons' and the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp. took the beer off the market.

Fox has a policy of refusing to license'The Simpsons' merchandising for products that would be detrimental to children.

Duff beer is now a collector's item and cases can sell for as much as $774 on eBay, according to Lorraine Gledhill, the treasurer of the National Beer Can Collectors Club.

Buyers paid money into Woodford's bank account, but contacted police when they never received the beer.

Woodford was caught because she listed her correct name and address on the auction site, the court was told. Woodford's lawyer Phillip Moore said she committed the scam to buy Christmas presents and clothes for her four children.

Woodford was placed on 18 months' probation, and was ordered to reimburse the money and undergo counseling."

So the big lesson here, kids, is: NEVER USE YOUR REAL NAME AND ADDRESS WHEN SELLING BOGUS CRAP ON EBAY! Doh! This concludes today's Felt Up ethics class.

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