Sunday, February 06, 2005

A little bird sent me a hot tip, and I pass it onto you, the Felt Up Nation of Two! (Hey, I made a rhyme! Can I be on "The Road to Stardom With Missy Elliot" now?) It seems that a certain bitchy gossip blog named Page Six Six Six (which makes Felt Up look like a Mormon bible study class) posted the following:

"People went into a frenzy yesterday on gossip board Data Lounge when a spy claiming to work on ABC's Desperate Housewives posted this seemingly legit thread, oozing with so much gossip that our head nearly exploded...

The biggest bombshell dropped was the allegation that one of the Desperate Housewives is going to come out of the closet in real life!

"'A Desperate Housewives cast member is going to come out of the closet in real life with the help of an upcoming cover of The Advocate and a string of talk show appearances,' said the spy. 'Just in time for May sweeps. Yes, I do know which cast member (it's the talk of the set thanks to the fact said cast member wants to give The Advocate the exclusive - the editor is a close friend of the star - before
announcing it to the rest of the media and so the coming out process is as complicated as the plans for a war) but I will keep "mom" on who exactly it is. Oh, and the gay cast member will also announce a relationship with the lead of another TV series.'"

The general consensus and further posts from the spy lead you to believe that Marcia Cross is the one to come out as a dyke, which is not much of a shocker. However, the real speculation was as to who Cross' gal pal is.

The ABC spy said that the paramour stars in a show for the WB. Talk centered around Lori Loughlin of Summerland, who was spotted not too long ago with Cross at a Lakers game, and Nina Feeney, who co-starred with Cross on Everwood.

However, all fingers seem to point in the direction of Gilmore Girls star Lauren Graham. Whether this turns out to be true or not, only time will tell."

I don't know why all fingers point to Laura Graham, and I don't care. "The Gilmore Girls" is a smart, sweet, charming, interesting show that is a delightful breath of fresh air--and I can't get into it at all. I will say that Ms. Graham showed a lot of moxie in "Bad Santa," portraying the bartender with a kinky Santa fixation with great gusto and quite a bit of nudity, which is always admirable. Is she Alice B. Toklas to Marcia Cross' Getrude Stein, without all the literary skills? Who knows?

Oh, what delicious, juicy, possibly-untrue gossip! Marcia Cross is not so hard to believe as a lesbian, that's for sure. She is the only Desperate Housewife who never talks about her personal life, and you never, ever see her with a significant other, even a merkin like JC Chasez. Or is Eva Longoria HIS beard? It gets so confusing with the possibly-gay celebs. It's a chicken-and-the-egg situation: Is he her merkin or is she his beard? Or both? The mind reels with the mathematical possiblities, and if I know one thing in life it's this: I hate math.

So let's stick with Marcia. Now, Lori Laughlin is an interesting partner for her, because Ms. Laughlin loomed rathter large in the teen sex comedies of my '80s youth, with a particularly paradigm-shifting performance in "Secret Admirer." (C. Thomas Howell, where for art thou? You know, I never, ever thought he was cute, but he was a likable enough fellow, even in "Soul Man," and now he has disappeared off the earth like the Dodo bird. Except instead of actual extinction, he's been reduced to made-for-tv movies like "Killer Bees!" Which is a kind of death in itself. Strange. But I digress.) She also stretched her thespian muscles in some sexy after-school specials, such as "No Means No," with Chad Lowe, James Marshall, and Dana "The Original Audrey Griswald" Barron, and "Babies Having Babies," ALSO with James Marshall. Then she must have killed a drifter or something, because god banished her to "Full House" to atone for her sins...which probably made her richer than god, so maybe it wasn't such a harsh punishment, after all, now that I think about it. She was kind of the poor man's Phoebe Cates for a time. The poor, homeless, down-n-out railroad tramp's Phoebe Cates. And now she might be married to Kimberbree in real life! It's all very exciting, at least to me. And about a gazillion lesbians. And the men who love them. And the women who love THEM. And so on...

I would like to add that I am agog with the snarktastic greatness of Page Six Six Six. If you would like to add this page to your must-peruse list, go:

  • HERE!

  • Just promise you won't ditch your poor backwards cousin Felt Up in favor of those big city gossip-mongers!

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