Thursday, February 03, 2005

I love it when my network of spies, snitches, and squeals (ie, my closest friends) send in a hot tip. This time, Michele S. forwarded this story from Yahoo News about everyone's favorite barely legal red-haired mean girl Lindsay Lohan and her legal worries, which are manifold:

"Lindsay Lohan was sued Wednesday by two people who claim she injured them in a traffic accident last year.

The personal injury suit was filed in Superior Court on behalf of Eddie Pamilton and Ilex Harris. They claim the actress was driving in Studio City on Aug. 3 when she struck Pamilton's vehicle, leaving the pair with continuing 'pain, discomfort and physical disability.'

The suit seeks unspecified damages and compensation for medical expenses, lost earnings and income."

Can't you just imagine Lindsay throwing a complete fit, yelling and cursing a blue streak, when she hit this car? She probably terrified these people. Picture it: You get in a run-of-the-mill L.A. fender-bender, when suddenly the Mercedes' door bursts open and a red-haired Tasmanian Devil comes at you, flinging her cellphone, credit cards, and the rest of the contents of her handbag all over the pavement, all the while screaming like a banshee. This devil-child proceeds to tongue-lash you and your companion, calling you a "bitch" and your friend a "slut," shrieking that "you don't know who you're messsin' with!" while you cower beside your Camry, trying in vain to shield yourselves from her blows with your arms, until finally you sink into sweet, sweet oblivion....When you wake up, you and your friend are alone. Was it all just a terrible dream? And then something shiny catches your's a small glass vial with the initials "L.L." What could it be? You open the vial and take a sniff of the strange white powder...oh, my God, you WAS real!

She seems like a screamer to me, is all I'm saying.

But wait, poor LL has more troubles, and of course, they stem from her deranged druggie greedhead father:

"The suit is only part of the teen's legal woes. Lohan's father responded Wednesday to his estranged wife's filing of divorce papers, saying he wants half of the 15 percent the movie starlet allegedly gives her mother — a figure that could be as much as $6-$7 million a year.

Michael Lohan also said he wants Dina Lohan and other members of her family to undergo drug and alcohol testing and claimed that despite past problems with substance abuse, he is currently clean and sober.

'He is not an alcoholic, he is not a drug addict,' attorney Dominic Barbara said at a press conference at his office on Long Island. 'He loves his children, he doesn't want to hurt Lindsay in any way.'

Barbara, whose high-profile clients have included Joey Buttafuoco and church secretary Jessica Hahn, said he called the press conference after being rebuffed by Dina Lohan's attorneys about a possible divorce settlement.

'I think these people are very foolish not wanting to talk,' Barbara said.

He contended his client is entitled to half of the earnings the actress-singer gives to her mother.

Barbara said he also represents Lohan in a number of criminal prosecutions.

He is due in court in Suffolk County next week to answer charges from last summer that he allegedly skipped out on a $3,800 bill for several suites at a posh Long Island hotel. He also was charged with assault in Manhattan for allegedly swearing at a sanitation worker whose truck was blocking his car and punching him in the face."

Um, hold the goddamn phone: 15% OF LINDSAY LOHAN'S YEARLY EARNINGS IS $6-7 MILLION? I need a moment here to gather my thoughts. Please bear with me, this is very difficult under the circumstances...OK...breathe in through the mouth and out through the nose...or is it the other way around? I can never get it straight...better...better...NO! I'M STILL OUTRAGED! I AM SCREAMING LIKE SAM KINISON ON A COKE BINGE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

OK, OK. That's much better. Where was I? Oh, yes. What a complete jackhole Michael Lohan is! But I do admire him for picking out such a top-drawer attorney like Dominic Barbara. I mean, with a client list that includes Joey Buttafuoco and Jessica Hahn, the guy is obviously a legal eagle, a regular Clarence Darrow! I love how the dad, who is a total alcoholic drug addict who punched a garbage man in the face, not only has his lawyer state that he is not an alcoholic or a drug addict BUT ALSO makes the very high-handed and jerkwad demand that HIS ENTIRE FAMILY get tested for drugs and alcohol! Nicely done! Well-played, sir! Kudos. I almost feel sorry for Lindsay...until I remember what her earnings must be if 15% of them is $6-7 MILLION! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And, finally, on a much more somber note, it is with heavy heart that I bring you news of the death of an old friend, from CNN:

"For the first in 18 years, prime-time U.S. network television will be without a starship crew to 'boldly go where no man has gone before.'

'Star Trek: Enterprise,' the latest incarnation of one of the most storied franchises in televised science-fiction history, will end its four-season run in May, broadcaster UPN said Wednesday."

I guess everyone will remember where they were when they first heard the news. My sincerest condolences, my nerd brethren. Felt Up's flag is flying at half-mast, in honor of a fallen hero. We salute you. (Sound of "Taps" being played, reverently.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Maybe Jolene Blalock will finally be in Playboy, since she will have no job after Enterprise. Trekkers everywhere are dying!