Friday, February 11, 2005

I know that no one reads this damn blog over the weekend, but this is just too good to ignore. It involves a fake penis and Heidi Fleiss' abusive ex-boyfriend, for cryin' out loud!

From Reuters:

"Actor Tom Sizemore has been jailed for violating his probation by failing a drug test after he was caught trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the results, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said on Friday.

Sizemore, 43, who played a battle-hardened sergeant in the war movie "Saving Private Ryan," was placed in custody on Thursday. He was ordered to remain behind bars until a hearing on Feb. 24, unless he posts $25,000 bond, Deputy District Attorney Sean Carney said.

Last month, Judge Antonio Baretto had agreed to allow Sizemore to travel to Cambodia to shoot a new film on condition that he pass a drug test every day prior to his departure.

Carney said the actor's failed attempt to fake his drug test results came on the first day of the new requirement.

The actor is required to undergo random drug tests as a condition of probation for his convictions on separate charges of methamphetamine possession and beating his ex-girlfriend, former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

During Thursday's proceedings, prosecutors told Judge Baretto that Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore's body, and he was asked to remove his pants.

According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five occasions.

Carney said two drug tests on the days following the fake penis incident showed Sizemore had methamphetamine in his system.

During the hearing, Sizemore's lawyer told the court that his client was destitute, living in a garage in Whittier, California, and that he was an expectant father, Carney told Reuters."

Gee, it doesn't sound like ole Tom is doing too well, does it? I used to like him--in such tv shows as "China Beach" (Yes, that's right, I watched that show! My name is Jennifer and I was a "China Beach" addict! So sue me!) and in various sausage-fests like "Heat"--but when he started dating Heidi Fleiss, which was bizarre enough, and then beat her up, I had to face the cold, hard facts: Tom Sizemore is a crazy freak. But I really had no idea it was this bad. He is on the same cruel downward spiral that such Hollwood luminaries as Corey Haim and Leif Garrett know all too well...

If you are anything like me and want to see "The Whizzinator" up close and personal-like, go:

  • HERE!

  • Although I think Mr. Sizemore might disagree with the site's claims that The Whizzinator is "Foolproof!" and "Undetectable!"

    Also, if you enter the site, be aware that it is not safe for work. Why you are working on a weekend, I don't know. You may be Steve M., perhaps.

    And ladies! Finally there's a product for us when we have to complete a court-ordered daily drug test! I don't know what it is exactly, but it costs $49.95 and has an "adjustable belt." Huzzah!

    One more thing: They mispelled urine as "URNIE."


    Anonymous said...

    My god! That thing RULEZ!!! I can't decide if I want the Latino one or the Brown one....

    Anonymous said...

    Much like Chepo, I'm quite impressed with their "all inclusive" product marketing. Whether the penis through which you expend URNIE is white, tan, latino, brown, or black, The Whizzinator can meet your needs.

    - Spare E

    Anonymous said...

    I think instead of saying I have to go to the bathroom, or go pee, I will start saying, "I have to go Urnie." I like the sounds of that.

    Terri R.