Monday, February 14, 2005

I have to confess that I didn't actually watch the Grammy Awards last night, due to lack of interest, but now I'm kinda wishing I had--Friend of Felt Up Terri R. and Link of Felt Up Neal Pollack have provided funny re-hashes and it sounds like a fabulous night of tv-watching was had by all!

Here's Terri R.'s account, via e-mail:

"It was actually pretty good, what I saw. I talked on
the phone with Ursula and watched at the same time.
Alicia Keys was probably the best performer. Ursula
and I agreed that she looked amazing (way, way better
than usual -- even though I think she's very pretty,
she never really impresses me with her weird outfits
and bad hairdos. But last night she looked gorgeous.)
And her performance made us cry!

Usher performed with James Brown. !!!

Cyndi Lauper
was in the audience!

Loretty Lynn won and accepted her award with the
ghoulish Jack White! Eek!

A bald Melissa Etheridge performed a Janis Joplin song
with the annoying Joss Stone. [Ed. note: You know how some performers
are referred to as "The Amazing Lena Horne"or "The Genius Ray Charles"?
I think from now on everyone should call her "The Annoying Joss Stone."]

Kanye West had a cool performance and a funny
acceptance speech.

And the host was Queen Latifah! We think she's gained
back some of her lost weight. Of course, she still
looked gorgeous. We could have done with more costume
changes, however.

Beyonce looked GOOD, from what I saw. I know, what's
new? But she looked freaky at some awards show
recently, didn't she? With some minidress and wild
hir?"[Ed. note: At the MTV Video Music Awards, Beyonce wore gold hot pants and had her hair all crazy.]

At this point, Terri addresses my query as to the details of the "unintentional hilarity" of the big duet with J. Lo and her troll-doll husband, Marc Anthony:

"They sang a duet in Spanish. The set was like a fancy
bedroom. She was wearing a sort of pretty dress
except it had a wide spangly section in the midriff,
making it look like she was hiding a pregnancy or
something. When she turned and walked away from the
camera, I totally saw her ass jiggling! Why does she
cover it up all the time now!?!!? [Ed. note: Because
the troll won't let her!] Flaunt it, J. Lo!
Flaunt it! I only saw about half of the performance,
and I thought she actually sounded OK, but Ursula says
she hit a really bad awkward note at some point.
Maybe she can blame it on acid reflux.

Anyway, I didn't get the gist of their little performance
number. Maybe it was a couple getting ready to go out
on the town, or perhaps they had just returned from a
night on the town. She sat at a dressing table at one
point and I think he brushed her hair! Ha ha! When
she stood right next to him you could see what a
midget little troll he is. It was just really
overdramatic, which I am blaming on their Latino
heritage. [Ed. note: Terri is herself Latina and can
make fun of their shared heritage all she wants. So there!]
It seemed like a number that could have
been on a fancier version of "Sabado Gigante." I
secretly enjoyed it, but am ashamed to admit it..."

Now, here's Neal Pollack's description of the same J. Lo/Troll Doll number, which I have stolen from Premium Salon (Stop judging me! I paid for it! I deserve it! You're not my father!):

"He stands at a purple-lit window that fronts a set on loan from Home Depot. The set parts to reveal J. Lo, wearing a lime-green curtain held together by long strips of silver and gold glitter. She's in what appears to be the honeymoon suite at the world's cheesiest boutique hotel. There's a reason these two haven't sung together in public before. It's because Marc Antony is humiliatingly better than Jennifer Lopez. At least with Ben Affleck, it was an even match of talentlessness; the equivalent to J. Lo performing with Mark Antony would be Affleck hitching his wagon to Frances McDormand. I think J. Lo's handlers assume that we'll take the spiciness of their love for granted because they're Latin, but those of us who have truly felt passion cannot be deceived! They walk around the hotel room in what is supposed to be a dance of seduction, but they don't even really acknowledge each other's presence. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer have more sexual chemistry on stage than J. Lo and Marc Antony."

If you are a member of Salon Premium, and all good and decent folk are, then you should definitely read Pollack's blow-by-blow account--despite the fact that he keeps referring to "Mark Antony" not "Marc Anthony." Heh. And I must say that non-professional writer Terri R. did just as good a job! Kudos and huzzahs! As I've said before, it takes a village!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Alicia Keys blew the roof off of that joint. I felt like I was in church. That performance touched my soul through the tv. I agree with Terri R. she looked beautiful. So natural and pretty. Her skin looked so buttery smooth. How do I get skin like that? As for J. Lo and the troll, that performance sucked. From what I could gather with my terrible spanish, the song had something to do with escaping or something like that. Which doesn't really make sense with their little skit. Whatever. J. Lo needs to stick to dancing and leave the real singing to her hubby. Shake that ass woman! Go with your strengths. -Foxipino