Tuesday, February 01, 2005

At first I thought this lead item in today's Page Six was going to be a snooze--just who in holy hell is Jeffrey Jah?--but then my little eye spied a phrase near and dear to my heart: "celebrities who drink too much." It seems that the unfortunately monikered Mr. Jah co-owns a trendy NYC nightspot called Lotus, and for some unknown and wonderful reason, he lost his mind and blabbed his secrets to a Brazilian magazine, hurrah!

Here are some highlights:

When asked who drinks too much, Jah "divulged he had to send Joaquin Phoenix home once and that Paris Hilton had to be carried out from her own party.

Asked if anyone ever had to be booted from Lotus, Jah, a former male model from Canada, named Courtney Love and Mark Wahlberg — twice.

Jah told the magazine he's had near-altercations with Jay-Z and Sean Combs. And he said that when Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were married, the couple once had a big fight in the kitchen and went home separately.

Naomi Campbell, Combs and Hilton don't like to pay their checks, Jah claimed, adding: 'My friend Naomi Campbell always wants the best table, even if it's already taken by other celebrities . . . There are some who won't be in the same VIP room, like Tobey Maguire, who will not sit near Joaquin Phoenix, or David Blaine, who won't sit with David Copperfield.'"

The crappy show-offy magicians not wanting to sit near each other--sure, that I can see. But "Tubby" Maguire and cutey-pie dreamboat Joaquin Phoenix? I had no idea! Apparently this dude's partners are pe-yissed off about his tattling, and he may soon be out on his duff, but all I can say is JAH RULES! (Is it getting irie in here, or what? )

From WENN we have this irritating insight into the mind, such as it is, of John Stamos. He has decided that model/actresses are not real and that, for the time being, he will let the hoi polloi, the "real women," get a taste of the good life, Stamos-style:

"Rebecca Romijn's estranged husband John Stamos is looking to date nurses and waitresses as he moves on from his painful marriage split.

The actor admits he's starting to find 'real women' attractive after being married to former model Romijn for six years.

Stamos says, 'I've gone out with some waitresses lately and I went out with a nurse. I think that's probably my route; someone who is inspired and is non-jaded and that's what's interesting about regular real girls. I have so much to offer as far as my life. I hate talking up all the great things I have in my life, I'd love to share them with people. I met this girl and we went to Disneyworld and we didn't have to stand in line and she was just so excited! That made me so happy that she wasn't jaded. That's a road that I want to be on.'"

OK, before I discuss the meat-and-potatoes of this story, I need to address one teensy little thing: JOHN STAMOS GETS TO CUT IN LINE AT DISNEYWORLD? What an outrage! If I was in a long line at Space Mountain and f-ing JOHN STAMOS and some non-celeb bimbo got to cut in front of me, I would riot! There would be blood on the faux bricks of Main Street, USA! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! And if he's getting that kind of preferential treatment for being, you know, John Stamos, imagine what happens when a genuine superstar like George Clooney or Brad Pitt venture forth into the world! They must glide on rose petals, their feet never touching the ground; doors must magically open, both literally and figuratively, wherever they go; someone else flushes their toilets; and, wow, they must get really good tables far away from each other at Lotus!

But seriously, people. I know it sounds kind of sweet that he's allowing nurses and waitresses (who are no doubt hotter than anyone I have ever encountered in my life, either here or in Europe) into the Glamourous World of John Stamos, but he sounds like such a jackhole for talking about it. What does he want, a merit badge? An "I Do Real Women Now" cross-stitched sampler for his wall? And what is all this talk about women who are "real"? Is Rebecca Romijn a robot or something? Oh, wait. Yeah, I think I heard something about that on Fleshbot. Anyway, this whole thing just annoys the crap out of me. Luckily, John Stamos' existence does not impact my daily life too much, since I rarely watch "Full House" reruns, see the Beach Boys perform at theme parks (remember when he drummed for them for some bizarre reason?), or pay attention to him shilling for long-distance carriers on tv commercials. However, I would like to see his performance in the short film "I Am Stamos," if only to see him interact with Clint Howard, who totally rules. Also it is called "I Am Stamos."


Anonymous said...

I love that this Jah guy blabbed, but I wish his secrets were more shocking. We all could have guessed that Naomi and Paris like to drink and don't like to pay their bills! Give me something juicy, Jah! Oh, and I'm sure that Tubby McGuire and Joaquin Phoenix had a gay love affair that went awry and that's why they can't be seated next to each other! I just know it! Why can't there be secret video footage of that instead of "One Night in Paris"? Why?!!? Also, didn't you just break your vow of not talking about Paris?

Terri R.

Greg said...

If the masses actually noticed John Stamos cutting in line for It's A Small World, I would hope they'd shower him with unmerciful derision and thrown soft drinks. However, his comment about wanting to date commoners is shrewd marketing. It rallies his hardcore female fans to think they now have more of a chance with him. If I were Stamos' publicist, I'd capitalize by setting up a win-a-date contest on his Web site.

jennifer said...

To Terri R.: Oh, hell. I DID mention She Who Shall Not Be Named. But it was an accident! It's very, very hard to find gossip stories that don't contain references to SWSNBN! I'm on a shame spiral anyway, though. Damn!

To Greg: Yes, I agree this might be a clever marketing ploy so the little people think they have a chance at dating The Man, The Legend, The Stamos. Isn't everything a marketing ploy these days? He's probably gay and Rebecca Romijn was his beard. And now she's Jerry McConnell's beard. Or he's her Merkin. Whatever.

I just saw a long bit o' gossip about Regis Philbin acting like a jerk at Disneyworld about 6 years ago. His show was filiming there and forced the long line of pople waiting for a ride to wait even longer--including a group of handicapped park patrons--but when anyone, including elderly women and adorable mop-top tykes, asked for an autograph, Rege would snarl and hiss and loudly ask about getting better "crowd control." I always sensed that he was a very angry little man. Kathy and Kelly have sucked the humanity right out of him. Metaphorically speaking.