Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Apparently Drew Barrymore and Fabrizio Moretti, drummer for The Strokes, have broken up. The NY Post reports that Drew wrote Fab a "breakup letter" and then passed it to a friend, who gave it to Fab in the hallway between P.E. and Home Ec. Or something like that.

Soooo...I haven't done a Star Magazine re-hash in awhile, and it is a rather slow non-news day!

On the cover, Week Four of Our National Nightmare continues: "JEN FIGHTS TO GET BRAD BACK!" Jennifer Aniston still loves Brad Pit blah blah blah, "The Angelina Factor," blah blah blah, nothing new at all.

Then the Star indulges in wild speculation--my favorite sport!--about whether or not Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake have gotten secretly married. The sole basis for this idea is that Cameron has added a "Trinity ring" to her left hand ring finger. Whoop-de-frigging-do. The sidebar features "OTHER SECRETLY MARRIED COUPLES": Enrique Iglesias and his Russian tennis whore wife, Anna Kournikova; Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi--heh!--who are both wearing matching gold bands (bought buy Portia--in addition to a Porsche!); and Gwyneth "Apple Jacks" Paltrow and Chris Martin, who had a shotgun wedding with only the minister in attendance.

Then there are pages and pages of lame reality star "news," which I refuse to dignify with a rehash...Although they do mention that Christopher "Peter Brady" Knight is now dating his "Surreal Life" costar, the first winner of America's Next Top Model," Adrianne Curry. I only repeat this because Christopher Knight was a bona-fide--if rather obscure--celebrity before his appearance on a reality show. What is it with that show, anyway? It should be called "Surreal Love Incubator," what with Flava Flav/Brigitte Nielsen, Marcus Shenkenburg/Chyna Doll, and now this. It can't all be for publicity...can it?

HA! Page 20: "Valentine's Day Vows For Drew?" The answer: NO.

Jenna Bush has a new beau, apparently. And surprise! He's a young Republican! There's a picture of them making out big time on inauguration night. Bleh.

Emmy Rossum from "Phantom of the Opera." Not interested.

Ooh, now this is more up my alley: "Tiny TV Stars!" On the wee-est end of the spectrum is Patricia Arquette, at 5'1", then onto Eva Longoria and Paula Abdul at 5'2"; Kelly Osbourne is 5'3" (hey, that's not so short, I mean, I happen to think that's a really good height for minor-league celebs and the blogettes who write about them!); Rachel Bilson from "The O.C." ties with tiny Frankie Muniz of "Malcolm in the Middle"; and finally Martin Sheen is the same height as a hobbit, namely Dominic Monaghan of "Lost" at a towering 5'7" each.

Then there are scenes from "Halle's HOT New Movie," featuring Ms. Berry frolicking in the mud with a pig; running through a field in an off-the-shoulder nightgown; and making out with hot costar/boyfriend Michael Ealy, the ex-con-with-a-heart-of-gold-and-cornrows from "Barbershop" (swoon!). This is some kind of Oprah Tells American Women To Watch This Or Else presentation of "Their Eyes Were Watching God," the plot of which (black woman from olden timey days has a series of abusive husbands until she finds empowerment within herself) sounds remarkably similar to "The Color Purple." Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, God, don't tell Oprah I said that...she scares me. All-powerful, all-knowing Oprah...Oprah...Opraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Eek!

"Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous" features Robert Redford (I like the Sundance Festival tie-in! Kudos, Star!), which is interesting becauase he is one of those "I couldn't wait to stop being handsome so I could be taken seriously as a thespian/director/film festival grand poobah"-types, you know the kind. It does look like he had some eyework done.

In the "Stars Who Are Normal or...Not Normal" section, there is a funny picture of Barbra Streisand perusing a wall of toilets at what appears to be a Lowes or Home Depot. For years, I've cherished, nurtured, and spread the rumor that Babs hates looking at her own poo and has a specially-designed toilet that facilitates non-poo viewing when she turns around to flush...which this photo seems to invalidate, since I'm pretty sure the toilets pictured are just your average run-of-the-mill-poo-is-visible type. But it's hard to be sure without special toilet forensic technology, which frankly, I don't have at my disposal. Nor do I want to have at my disposal. Maybe it's for the guest bathroom, I ask in a tragically hopeful voice? Oh, yeah, that's considered "normal" behavior by Star; not normal was Sigourney Weaver doing the limbo (such sticks in the mud at Star!), Liza Minelli riding a 4-wheel ATV on a must-see episode of "Arrested Development," and Tommy Lee sporting--gasp!--mismatched Converse All-Stars. What a rebel! (By the way, he's wearing a t-shirt that reads "Pimpit" for an extra touch of class.)

After a brief foray into BritneyWorld ("Kevin Sinks Baby Plan"--I don't believe it for a second! He surely knows the fruit of his loins will be his ticket to the never-ending gravy train!), there is a funny photo spread about Tippi Hedren's birthday bash. It's funny becausee Tippi "The Birds" Hedren, who is Melanie Griffith's mom, turned 75 years old and she looks about 20 years younger than her duck-lipped freako daughter. She has had far, far superior plastic surgery! Too bad she didn't give her genius doctor's name to her frightening offspring...

The only interesting thing in the Jen/Brad article is scary nutty nutball Janice Dickinson's helpful "4-Point Plan To Win Brad Back," which features tips such as "Spend more time with him," "Don't put your career ahead of your marriage" ("Don't you have enough money?"), "Tart yoursel up a bit" (ahh, here is an area which Janice knows very, very well), and "Have a showdown with Angelina Jolie." Note to Jen: DON'T DO IT! ANGELINA WILL YOU EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST JUST FOR SPORT! There are some hysterical Photoshopped pictures with Jen's head attached to the bodies of Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, She Who Shall Not Be Named, and Britney Spears (!). Hee hee!

Then they have a two-page spread on "Stars Under Pressure." It seems that Ben Affleck is under pressure to propose holy, sacred marriage to serial-costar-canoodler Jennifer Garner, while Julia Roberts is pressuring herself to lose her baby weight ultra fast: "She's still baffled as to why she still can't fit into her old jeans." Gee, I think I have an idea why: Because you just gave birth to twins two months ago, crazy lady!

In the "Star Couple" section, it's "Why Won't Wilmer Take LINDSAY BACK?" The answer: Because she is a crazy coke whore from a nutty family...allegedly!

There is a lame Mischa Barton "kissing girls is so wonderful...for the ratings" profile. Bleh.

Ahh, now we're cookin'! "Star WEIGHT WARS!" features "Stars Who Got Thin"--Kirstie Alley, who has dropped 12 pounds (boo! hiss!); Lindsay Lohan (old news); Sara Rue from "Less Than Perfect" who is now, actually, perfect, so I think she should be booted off the show and replaced with a legitimate fattie; Lisa Marie Presley; and Camrym Manheim (boo! hiss!); plus "Stars Who Got FAT"--KD Lang; Courtney Love (they say she weighs 160 pounds, but she is 5'10"); and Tom Hanks. Yawn. The "Star who's still struggling" with his weight is Ruben Studdard, who lost 20 pounds but then got sick, which somehow made him gain it all back...I feel your pain Ruben, I really do.

Nothing much of interest until the last page, the "Hey! Remember Me?" AKA the "Where Are They Now?" section, which is all about DURAN DURAN!! Huzzah! Including ROGER!!! OMG! I hate to say it, but each member of this band has lost every bit of collagen in his lips, which is quite tragic to see, since their full, pouty, gloss-covered lips haunted many a Felt Up blogette's dreams circa 1984. Sigh...

Uh, I don't know if I am going to keep doing this celeb bold print name thing, because it's kind of a pain in the ass. It does look nice, though. Or does it? Is it annoying? I have no distance! I'm too close to my own blog to tell if the bold print is an improvement or a hideous distraction! Let me know what you think. We'll see...all I know for sure is that, to paraphrase Babs, "blogettes are lazy! The laziest people in the world..."

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

LoveloveLOVE the bold!

~ Spare E

Anonymous said...

The bold is good! Italics are fun too!too bad u cant use the blink tag. --ceepee

Anonymous said...

I'm also a fan of the bold type. However, I can't blame you for not going through the trouble. Do what your heart pleases. -Foxipino

Sam said...

"You got the fame, you gotta take the little heartaches that go along with it."

-- "Singin' In The Rain."

Sorry to hear Eva's had it rough lately, she's short but talented!
We've been counting down to her 30th Birthday for a month
now on my blog, wish her continued success, and that her
life gets back to normal.

Happy Birthday Eva Longoria!

Sam Longoria
http://samlongoria.blogspot.com/2005/03/eva-longoria-birthday-countdown.html