Monday, February 28, 2005

A Star Is Born

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Over at the World of Wonder site they have a great piece by Randy Barbato, one of the directors of "Inside Deep Throat," about seeing Project Runway's Austin Scarlett at a Hollywood party. After a thrilling description of the hush that fell over the crowd of celebs and hipsters when they became aware of Austin's presence, Barbato writes that he approached Austin:
As we chatted, I found myself distracted, he was giving me everything I wanted, but something was missing. Something wasnt quite right. Suddenly it hit me – there was no lip gloss! Was he testing us all? Was this a new down-to-earth look? What was going on? I had to say something, but I didn't want to offend him. So after stumbling a bit, I casually said, "I love how your lips always seemed to be freshly glossed on the series." He was like, Oh my god! and quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out the gloss and slathered it onto his lips. It was an amazing moment, you know, like when you're chatting to Cher and she has some lipstick on her teeth and you lick your teeth in front of her to give her the cue.

Isn't that exactly what you hope and expect Austin would do? I love it when people don't disappoint. Oh, Austin. Even though Jay McCarroll is officially America's Sweetheart, you will always have a special place in my heart. The place that is sprinkled in golden faerie dust, covered in Miss Haversham's lace wedding veil, cinched in by a Victorian corset, and swathed in layers of sheer gossamer. It's a very, very special place, and you belong there...

To read the rest of the story, go to the WOW web page:

  • HERE!


  • and scroll down to "My Scarlett Letter."

    Trouble in Paradise; Bazooms Identified

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    I thought Gwyneth was looking a little paler and more blah than usual at the Oscars last night!

    WENN is reporting that her holy, sacred marriage to pale, British husband Chris "The Very Poor Man's Thom Yorke" Martin is sliding down a slippery slope. I am bereft with news of this terrible tragedy---not!
    Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to British rocker Chris Martin may be on the rocks after only 14-months - the pressure of combining their successful careers, marriage and parenthood is tearing them apart.

    The couple have shared a series of blazing rows as they spend more and more time apart - the Coldplay singer has been working on his band's highly anticipated but delayed third album, while the Oscar-winning actress has been left at home in London looking after their eight-month-old daughter Apple.

    A friend tells British newspaper the Daily Mirror, "Adjusting to married life, then being parents and now trying to sort out their professional lives has been a lot more difficult and complicated than either of them imagined."

    Tensions between Paltrow and Martin recently boiled over at New York restaurant Next Door at Nobu - which has a no reservation policy - as they waited for a table. The row only came to a close when the Shakespeare In Love beauty stormed out and waited in their car - but Martin defiantly waited for a table.

    An onlooker says, "The argument began about the table, but turned into more personal things." The couple will be spending the next weeks apart as Paltrow films new movie Running With Scissors in Los Angeles while Martin puts the finishing touches on the new Coldplay album in London.

    Oh, the problems of rich famous white people. Can't get a table fast enough at Nobu! Quelle horreur!

    How do I loathe her? Let me count the ways...Just the name alone is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Gwyneth. Shudder! Spit! And why is she in the movie adaptation of such a great book? Why does God hate me?

    I just bet they are able to keep this shambles of a marriage together for a while longer, because Little Miss Perfect won't want even the barest hint of failure attached to her detestable name. I've said it before (last night, in fact), and I'll say it again, many times: I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

    Oh, and I found out that the lady at the Oscars with the ginormous fake bazooms who was somehow related to Sidney Lumet was, in fact, his daughter and not his trophy wife. Page Six says, under the elegant headline "Breast of Buds":

    Amy Lumet, the beautiful daughter of director Sidney Lumet, won't soon forget her encounter with Sharon Osbourne the other night as she arrived at the Beverly Hills Hotel for a dinner honoring Sidney. As Amy entered the hotel in a low-cut dress, Sharon, who has had quite a bit of plastic surgery herself, admired Amy's bosom. "Sharon told Amy she had the greatest [breasts] she'd ever seen," said a source.

    See? They are quite startling! They show up on satellite imagery! And, jeez, when Sharon Osbourne notices and admires your cha-cha's, you know you're doing something, uh....right?

    Sunday, February 27, 2005

    Oscar Blog-mania: New Consolidated Version!

    NOTE: This was originally 12 posts, now consolidated into one easy-to-read version!

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    My clever boy wonder Chepo made me a cute graphic! Aww!

    At the last minute, I decided to do a real-time live blog of the Academy Awards. This will be extremely arbitrary and not at all comprehensive, just whatever strikes my fancy. Joining me now in the snark-a-rama are Friends of Felt Up Terri R. and Ursula F.. Please forgive any spelling/syntax errors, I am but flesh and blood. I'm not a blogging machine!

    6:55pm: We are watching the E! red carpet pre-show with national disgrace Star "I Married Big Gay Al" Jones...Kathy Grffin is apparently in a holding pen away from the celebrities. She keeps implying that every female star is a lesbian and said that Renee Zellweger looked like she was "retaining water." I heart you, Kathy!

    Ooh, Ursula just asked what Star had on the back of her neck, and Terri replied "a bar code"--heh. It turned out to be her microphone battery pack. Damn.

    7:03 Heinous Billy Bush is making a fool out of himself, yet again. Who is this clown? When will his reign of terror end?

    7:07pm How can Renee Zellweger see through those squinty eyes? Leo DiCaprio is not a popular person at our viewing party. Terri R. says she only liked him when he "played the 'tard in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Ha ha. Me, too.

    7:10pm Virginia Madsen looks great, if a tad mermaidish in her dress.

    SHUT UP, BILLY BUSH!

    Ursula F. is opening a bottle of champers!

    We totally invited ourselves over to Terri's place, by the way. Thanks, Terri R., for hosting our --ooh, Kirsten Dunst dyed her hair blonder and has a bob! It looks really cute! And I never thought I'd say that.

    7:15 Cate Blanchett looks nice.

    7:17 Don Cheadle! Terri R. thinks he should have had some teeth whitening.

    Clive Owen. Sorry, I must now swoon.

    Scarlett "Letter" Johansen
    has on a nice dress, but her hair looks frizzy; Terri says it's "poodle-y." She did just give props to Judy Garland, but I still hate her.

    7:25 Aaah! What's wrong with Mike Myers? "Is he aging poorly?" asks Terri R. "His nose looks wide and mottled. Is he drinking too much?" He does look terrible. Kind of a W.C. Fields look to him, and not in a good way.

    7:30 OSCAR TIME!

    History of movies montage. Dustin Hoffman narrating, maybe.

    Chris Rock is getting a standing o!

    He is totally dissing stars, especially Jude Law!

    Jamie Foxx's daughter is adorable. She looks like she's wearing her first communion dress, says Ursula. I'm glad she's not skanked out like some other youngsters out there. Kudos, Jamie Foxx's daughter!

    Chris Rock is doing some anti-Bush material. "Warren Beatty loves it!" notes Terri.

    7:43 Halle Berry is presenting Best Art Direction. We don't like her long hair. Chris Rock just said she was in "Monster's Ball" and "is about to appear in 'Catwoman 2.'" Terri R. says, "Meooow!"

    They just showed Leo's galpal Gisele whatshername. Terri R. says she looks like she's wearing "crumpled bedsheets."

    Renee Zellweger's dress is getting props, but Ursula doesn't like her dark hair. She's presenting "Best Supporting Actor." And the winner is...Morgan Freeman! Poor Thomas Haden Church will never get another chance. But Morgan is great. He's getting a standing o! What a classy speech! Bravo, Morgan! I have always loved him, since "Electic Company." He's also hot. HOT, I say. In our illegal Oscar betting pool, the three of us are scored evenly. We all voted for Morgan.

    7:54 Collective groan from our party as Robin Williams comes to the stage. Although he just dissed Joan Rivers, so I give him one tiny point. Yech, I spoke too soon! He just said "you, go girl"--point lost. I giveth and I taketh away, Robin Williams! Now he's doing Elmer Fudd, which is material he's been doing since 1976! He's presenting Best Animated Feature...we all voted for "The Incredibles." And the winner is..."The Incredibles." Yay! We are all tied!

    The guy who did "The Incredibles" did a very sweet speech. Ursula thinks he has a bit of a "Corky" look to him.

    8:00pm Cate Blanchett is presenting Best Sound Something or Other from out in the audience. It's kind of weird. The winners are accepting for "Lemony Snickett" from the aisle. Crazy!

    8:02 Little Girl Lost Drew Barrymore is presenting one of the nominations for Best Song. Her hair looks funny. It's in an up-do, but it looks like it got cut short. Why is Beyonce singing everything? When did she take over the world? This song is in French! We all want her dress and the body in it, however. There's a chorus of little boys and Ursula wants to know if any of them are "getting boners" from being so near Beyonce. It's the question on a nation's lips!

    8:13 Scarlett "Letter" Johansen is talking about some nerdy tech awards. Speaking of which, my main squeeze Chepo P. just came in and called me a nerd for my real-time blogging. Pot, meet kettle!

    8:15 Pierce Brosnan is hoarse and presenting Best Costume Design. Terri R. wants Sandy Powell to win for "The Aviator" because of her work on "Velvet Goldmine." That's Terri R.'s way. And the winner is...Sandy Powell! Terri is excited. Chepo thinks Sandy Powell has a "lezzie" vibe.

    8:19 Tim Robbins looks awful. What's wrong with his face? He's presenting Best Supporting Actress. And the winner is...Cate Blanchett. So far, this has been very predictable. Yawn. Snooze. Cate is apparently married to a shlump. Is he rich or something? Ursula picked Laura Linney, so she's one down. The rest of us picked Cate.

    Oh, God, is it the Parade of Dead People already? No, no, it's just a Johnny Carson tribute. Whew! I wasn't emotionally prepared...Terri R. has an excellent point: Are they going to make this big a deal over Marlon Brando's death? Because as much as we all love Johnny, come on.

    Leo DiCaprio is presenting Best Documentary...all the nominees are standing on the stage. The winner is..."Born Into Brothels"! YES! Jennifer is the only one who picked it! Hotcha! Always pick the movie about destitue children in Calcutta, people. That is your Felt Up lesson for the day. The lady who made the movie has all-too visible nipples.

    Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are presenting Best Editing. The winner is...some lady for "The Aviator."

    Uh oh, Chepo says Mike Myers looks like Ursula's fave rave Zach Braff. Ursula looks pissed! Counting Crows are playing one of the nominated songs--what, Beyonce couldn't play all the instruments? We all think Adam Durowitz or whatever his name is from the Counting Crows looks exactly like Kid from Kid-n-Play...which has led into a spirited discussion of the merits or lack thereof of "House Party" I-III, and possibly IV, which did not actually star Kid or Play.

    8:42 This is an odd couple: Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones...oh, wait, it's a comedy bit. She's not coming out. Chris Rock is doing her part. Har-de-har-har. He's presenting Best Adapted Screenplay...the winner is Alexander Payne and some other guy for "Sideways." The only award those poor suckers are going to get all night, we predict. Ursula picked "Finding Neverland," so she's down two. The rest of us picked right. Because this is so far the most predictable Oscars of all time.

    8:46 Jake Gyllenhaal and the lady from "House of Flying Daggers" are presenting Best Visual Effects. This is not part of our betting pool, so we are not paying much attention. The nominated nerds are all on the stage...the winner was the guy who did "Spiderman 2." Ursula thinks he has big ears.

    8:48 The president of the Academy is babbling about something. Eek! Al Pacino is presenting a special award to Sidney Lumet. Chepo speaks for us all when he says "Who gives a shit, dude?" Terri wants to know if Al Pacino is four feet tall. The answer: YES. Ursula says, "Whatever Al is talking about, it's taking too long." You speak for the world, lady. You speak for the world. Standing O for Sidney. Third one of the night! They just showed some lady with gigantic fake bazooms--is she his May/December wife? Or his daughter? For some reason I keep thinking that someone with humongous boob implants can't be Sidney Lumet's daughter. But what do I know? Mickey Rooney's face just came on the screen, which Terri R. calls a "buzz kill." She also says Mickey is thinking "Where am I? Where are my goofballs?" Heh.

    Emmy Rossum from "Phantom of the Opera" is presenting another best song, again sung by Beyonce. As Terri so eloquently put it, "somewhere Minnie Driver is committing suicide," since she sang the song in the movie and got passed over at the last minute. AAAAAAAH! They just showed PRINCE!

    Jeremy Irons is presenting Best Live Action Short from the audience. I'm getting behind here...some English lady won and said "Dog's bollocks" in her speech. Laura Linney is doing Best Animated Short...some guy won. Accepting the award from the aisle is freaky!

    9:14 Kate Winslet is presenting Best Cinematography...we are too mesmerized by her lovely blue dress to notice anything she is saying. I tell Chepo he is allowed to like her. Aren't I nice? Ursula notes how soothing her voice sounds, which is true, because she's English. The winner looks like Colonel Sanders according to Ursula, and like Edgar Winters, according to Chepo.

    We are flipping to "Muppet Treasure Island" during the commercial. Tim Curry is hilarious! And oh, Miss Piggy, how I love you! Mwah! Mwah!

    Your blogette is going to have a champers break.

    OK, I'm back! Sweet, delicious champers...

    The consensus is that Frank Oz is a dick. A total dick.

    Chris Rock just made a booby joke, to the approval of all. He said something about the "next four presenters, Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz." Tee hee! They got the Sound Mixing nominee nerds up on the stage. Terri R. says they are totally putting the nerds with the hot ladies on this show. And it's true.
    Terri points out that Salma Hayek's boobs were once referred to as "shock and awe" tactics by Joe Bob Briggs. Terri also is weighing the pros and cons of cultivating Salma's sexy bangs hair-do, much to our approval.

    Now Salma is presenting another song, this one from "The Motorcyle Diaries," beautifully sung by not Beyonce. For once. Oh, hell, it's Carlos Santana. EEK! Bring back Beyonce, please! But wait just a doggone minute...Are my eyes deceiving me? The dude singing looks exactly like Antonio Banderas. Oh my god...It is Antonio Banderas! Wow. Now he's flamenco dancing! Terri says no matter how cheesy he gets she will always love him. "Adios, Antonio. Adios mi amigo," says Terri when the song is over.

    Natalie Portman is presenting Best Documentary Short Subject, and all of the nominees seem very serious and hard-hitting. We are too busy debating Natalie's severe look to pay much attention. Terri R. likes it. I think she needs earrings. We are an Oscar party divided. Like a microcosm of the nation. I get to be a blue state, because it's my blog.

    9:38 John Travolta, who Chris Rock says is "Oprah's favorite white man" is presenting Best Original Score. The composer for "Finding Neverland" is the winner. First--perhaps only--award for this movie. He is apparently German. Also there's something on his forehead--warts, wonders Terri R.?

    Martin Scorsese comes out. He is two feet tall, says Terri, who is en fuego tonight, by the way. He's giving out a humanitarian award. They have those in L.A.? Humanitarians, I mean. We know they have awards.

    There's some matronly lady they keep showing in the audience that Terri calls "Bette Midler." Who is she? By the way, if the real Bette Midler knew we were saying this, she would die a million deaths.

    Annette Bening is presenting something. We all hate her hair. A lot. Ursula thinks she has that disease where you pull all your hairs out. Oh, god! It's the Parade of Death! I'll be back when I've collected myself...

    OK, I'm back. Marlon Brando got four movie scenes instead of one in the Parade of Death. But Johnny Carson got way, way more screen time. What an outrage. And where the f was Charles Bronson?

    P. Diddy is presenting another song. What does he have to do with the price of tea in China? More Beyonce. She's wearing another one of those mermaid dresses.

    10:00 OMG. Prince is presenting the award for Best Song! He's wearing a purple tux! And the winner is...the song from "The Motorcyle Diaries." The composer bowed to Prince! Terri is pledging her love to him, whoever he is. The composer, not Prince. We know who he is.

    10:02 Sean Penn is being a total tool. Chris Rock made a joke at the beginning about Jude Law being in too many movies; Sean Penn is taking him to task. Boo, hiss! "Way to kill my buzz," says Terri. He's presenting Best Actress...Chepo called Hillary's husband Chad Swank (hee hee)...and the winner is: Hilary Swank. Poor Annette Bening--she's Oscarless and hairless. Chad Swank is crying. We are wondering what he does now, you know, for a living. They have no kids, so as Terri points out, he can't be Mr. Mom.

    F-ing Gwyneth Paltrow is presenting Best Foreign Film..."The Sea Inside" wins. We all picked that one in our pool, except Ursula, who picked the French movie. Gwyneth reads the winner en espanol, like a jackass. God, I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! Her makeup is terrible. She looks washed out and blah, as usual. Bleh!

    Samuel L. Jackson is looking good, presenting Best Original Screenplay...and the winner is Charlie Kaufman for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," which won kudos from the assembled party-goers, both for the quality of the writing and because we all picked it for the pool.

    10:22 Charlize Theron is coming out to present Best Actor...and seeing the scene from "Ray" we all ask: Where's Booger's nomination? He played Atlantic Records head Ahmet Ertegun...Do I even have to say who won? We all know it's Jamie Foxx...He's getting a standing O--except for Leo! Diss!

    10:32 pm Julia"Horseface" Roberts is presenting Best Director. And the winner is...Clint Eastwood, naturally. Standing O number five. Jesus: Clint's mother is there! She's 96. Clint's wife is giving Julia Roberts the evil eye. Terri says the wife is a fiery Latina and will "cut" Julia if she doesn't back away from the Clint.

    10:35 Babs Streisand and Dustin Hoffman are presenting Best Picture...They are the same height! She just called Dustin "honey." And the winner is..."Million Dollar Baby."

    I have won the Oscar pool! I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible!

    You like me! You really, really like me!

    Everyone owes me a dollar.

    Go to bed Sperry!

    The Greatest Show on Earth

    AAAAAAH! I missed the hard-hitting documentary "Stars Without Makeup"! Did anyone see it? I need a full report!

    Saturday, February 26, 2005

    Best is Worst

    There's a funny article written by comedian Kathy Griffin in today's NY Times about how much she loves being on "The Worst Dressed" lists in all the tabloids. Her view is basically "there's no such thing as bad publicity," which is probably true. She also takes the controversial position that a good way to get on such lists is to do a "wacky" pose or face:
    Why are wacky poses such an effective way to get on the worst-dressed list? Because Nicole Kidman doesn't do wacky poses. She doesn't pretend she's a bird or that she's a sailor out at sea. And that, my friends, is her problem.

    Yes, that is her problem--that and not having any non-Botoxed skin left on her face.

    Now, some people don't like Kathy Griffin. They find her too star-obsessed, abrasive, and fake, think she's had too many face-lifts and is a one-trick pony (making fun of celebrities). And it's all true! But she is very honest about her b-list status, her surgeries, her grasping for whatever success she can find. She has really grown on me over the years, especially since she recently asked Dakota Fanning on the red carpet if she'd been doing coke--you just don't get that kind of stuff from loathsome, unfunny bitter old hag Joan Rivers or even more loathsome and less funny Star Jones "I Married Big Gay Al" Reynolds.

    Thank sweet holy Jesus, Kathy has now taken over Joan's old "Fashion Police" show on E! Joan was so incredibly bad--although not nearly as bad as her daughter Melissa "I Am The Embodiment of Why Nepotism Sucks" Rivers, who at some point had a lot of surgery to match her mom's so they'd still look related. Anyway, here are Kathy's "predictions" for the Academy Awards edition of"Fashion Police":
    I've already decided Schwarzenegger is worst dressed simply because I don't like him. Kidman? Worst dressed. Why? So she can feel my pain. Thomas Haden Church will fare well because I think he is very funny. As for Imelda Staunton from "Vera Drake," you know the poor woman's probably been on every worst-dressed list on the planet because she's no bean pole. So I'll tell you right now, she is my best-dressed. Sight unseen. That's how I roll.

    Kathy Griffin should have her own show where she just disses and dishes celebs. In fact, it could be called "Dis and Dish With Kathy Griffin"! If you're out there, Kathy, you can have that one on the house. Gratis. I'm givin' away gold over her, pure gold! That's how I roll.
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.usWacky...but strangely hott. In a mannish kind of way. Work it, Kathy!

    Friday, February 25, 2005

    Regrets, I've Had a Few

    Back in 1992, your Felt Up blogette was a humble college student in Los Angeles, working on her senior history thesis. I chose as my subject a retirement home for radicals called Sunset Hall. Founded by the Unitarian Universalist Church, Sunset Hall was home to elderly free-thinking Communists, Wobblies, Socialists, etc.; I attended the funeral of a resident who had collected songs for the Unitarian hymnal with Woody Guthrie. One of my interviewees had a sister who had died in the infamous Triangle factory fire; another had organized unions in the 1930s and practiced a great deal of "free love" with his fellow travellers.

    The place was an obvious choice for a documentary film subject--so much so that I videotaped all my interviews, hoping that some day I would have the money to put together a movie. That day never came--it's one of my many regrets--but now someone else has made a documentary on Sunset Hall, which is somewhat bittersweet for me. To read the NY Times review, go:

  • HERE!


  • At least I got an A on my thesis.

    I Am Repulsed, Yet Fascinated

    A little bird named Michele S. sent me the following horrific photo of Tori Spelling:

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    Arriving, ironically enough, at Kirstie Alley's "Fat Actress" premiere.

    There are many, many things wrong with this picture, but what stands out the most is how incredibly large her noggin is! She's turned herself into a bobble-head doll! I think her scrawny body is on the verge of collapsing from carrying the weight of those giant fake (and oddly shaped) bazooms and her monstrously oversized head...She looks like the drag queen love child of Joan Rivers and one of the Pep Boys!

    AAAAAAAAAAH!

    Thursday, February 24, 2005

    Wendy Pepper Has Lost Her Mind

    Apparently losing "Project Runway" has pushed loathed contestant Wendy Pepper over the edge. On her web page she is selling some items from her Olympus Fashion Week runway show...such as this little ensemble, which is the first of a series she will produce:

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    The outfit isn't terrible, although I've never been a fan of ruching--ne flatter pas, as I like to say--and that top is ruched to within an inch of its life. But that's neither here nor there. The true outrage comes from the price.

    Now, I know that these are hand-made items, made of silk and leather. And they were designed and produced by a "Project Runway" finalist--a widely despised finalist who wore a "Wendy Pepper--The Longshot" baseball cap and whose work was called "farty" by Michael Kors--but a finalist nonetheless. So...what would you pay to wear an original from the House of Pepper? Would you pay...$150 for the ruched silk top and $250 for the leather skirt? Well, then how about $400 for the top, and $600 for the skirt? Still thinking about it? Keep thinking, because each of these numbers is priced at $750, or $1,500 for the whole outfit.

    Just digest that for a bit.

    OK. Now, I hate a cheapskate more than anyone will ever know, but girlfriend has taken leave of her senses! Even though I'm a rube who lives in the sticks, I suppose I could see $1,500 for a fancy dress, maybe, or a coat; but a shirt and skirt that everyone I know would assume came from the thrift? Thanks, but no thanks, Wendy Pepper! What do I know, though? There's no such thing as bad publicity, so maybe she'll make a killing.

    What I want to know is: When do we get to see the "Jay McCarroll for Target" line?

    Do You Believe in Miracles?

    What an exciting night of television! First, little miss thang Nilyne got her ass bounced off of "The Road to Stardom With Missy Elliiot". And deservedly so, I must say! She thought her tiny cute looks and luxurious weave would take her to the pinnacle of success, but Missy wasn't having it, oh, no she was not. And then there were three!

    Of course the biggest event of the evening was the season finale of "Project Runway." The first hour of the extra-special two hour event was mainly spent on seeing the designers in their natural habitats, which is something I have longed for all season. First up, robotic-yet-oddly-endearing Parsons design guru Tim Gunn went to rural Pennsylvania to see Jay McCarroll at his home/studio. His house was not at all what I expected; I guess I thought he'd live in a modern-day Warhol Factory-style loft or something, with silver paint and, I don't know, a stuffed cow; instead, it was more like a grandma's house, with traditional American furnishings. It was so sweet! Everything to do with Jay warms my tiny heart! (Also he was dressed like Ed Gein, complete with red/black check jacket, hunter's hat, and shotgun. Oh, and curly red wig.)

    Then Tim Gunn journeyed into the heart of darkness, visiting Wendy Pepper at her house in Virginia. Her mother and daughter were there, and were both adorable and charming. What happened with Wendy's genes? Her "husband," if he really exists, was nowhere to be found.

    Finally, Timmy went to L.A. to see Kara Saun, who apparently lives in the "Poltergeist" neighborhood.

    Then the gang met back in NYC, at a suite in the swanktabulous W Hotel, which they had to share--much to the chagrin of Kara Saun and Jay, who both loathe Wendy Pepper. But Jay had the good manners (and sense) to be cordial to Wendy, unlike Kara Saun, who refused to acknowledge or speak to Ms. Pepper, which evenutally led to a huge blow out--the best part of which was Jay telling Wendy that yes, "everyone hates you! Everyone!"

    Kara Saun kind of irked me on this show. As much as I despise Wendy, she didn't do anything new to make me hate her (well, except for making endless permutations of her arsenal of annoying faces and wearing a baseball cap with "Wendy Pepper--The Longshot" embroidered on it), while Kara Saun revealed new, ugly sides to her personality. She showed her immaturity by not speaking to Wendy; also, her greediness/questionable morality came out when she had custom-designed shoes provided for free by her pals at Dollhouse, which violated the terms of their "Project Runway" contract. I can understand her point--why not use every single connection, friend, etc., at your disposal to help achieve your vision--but the producers told her flat out that it was wrong (and unfair to the other two), and she responded by having Dollhouse produce a phony invoice charging her $15 a pair, which is ludicrous, because they had them specially manufactured just for her. Also, she was very aggressive about which models they got, snatching up supermodel Maggie Rizer before anyone could even discuss it (much to Jay's irritation), which bit her in the ass when Maggie didn't show! Ha HA! Again, though, I think she was in a frenzy to win, and the pressure was on, so I don't hold it against her too much. She's certainly a better and more likable person than you-know-who. In the end, neither the shoe nor the model thing seemed to impact her show one way or another, but it wasn't pretty to see her like this.

    Then it was onto to Olympus Fashion Week! The worst runway show was, naturally, Wendy's. It wasn't that it was bad, so much as just terribly unoriginal. Her clothes were pretty and well-made, but I felt like you could see everything she made in the Dillard's prom section. Nauseatingly, she mentioned at the beginning of her show that she is a "mom from Virginia"--it's like she wants special consideration because she has a child: "Well, her clothes aren't that fab, but she is a mother from Virginia, so she has overcome a lot in her life--let's make her the winner!" At the end of her presentation, Wendy grabbed her daughter from the audience and carried her down the runway. Puke!

    Next it was Kara Saun's show. Her clothes were amazing: Beautiful, luxurious, sextastic. But as the A-town viewing party pointed out, her dresses all had the same style: Halter-style top with some kind of skin-revealing cut-out and fur trim. Also, she made them too long and tight, so much so that professional models were unable to walk in them. But she did do an incredible, impressive job.

    Finally it was Jay's turn! Hurrah! He did a music-inspired show, so all his models were wearing headphones dyed to match their outfits! It wasn't anything I would ever wear, but it was original and fun and exciting! Here's what Tim Gunn said about Jay's collection on the Bravo site:
    His collection was beautiful. His point of view was palpable. His construction was impeccable. His looks were thoughtfully sequenced and styled. And the entire thing was dancing on the metaphorical rim of the volcano; that is, Jay took HUGE risks with this collection, meaning that it could have crashed and burned big time. Instead, it enticed, seduced, and provoked.

    Yay, Jay!

    Then it was back to Parson's to be evaluated by the judges, which included crazed actress/ "fashion fan" Parker Posey! They told Jay that his clothes were too "matchy," that he did all one color on each model and that's bad, for some reason. They told Kara that her clothes looked straight outta Gucci, which she denied, saying that this is the same look she's been doing "for years." And Wendy they said was a great "tailor" and was very "rural." Diss!

    So Wendy was elimated right off the bat, which, in her state of constant never-ending denial, was a shock to her, because "you don't get this far and think you're not going to win." Earth to Wendy! The only reason you were in the final three was because of the idiotic bad taste of Nancy O'Dell and the scheming of the producers to have a villain on their show!

    Then it was just Jay and Kara. The judges gave both of them much-deserved praise. Kara Saun maintained the highest degree of excellence throughout the season, won numerous design challenges, and her show was amazing--but in the end it didn't matter because JAY WON! Yes, Jay McCarroll is now officially America's Sweetheart!

    I'm so glad, not just because my prophetic post of yesterday was so eerily accurate, but also because, while Kara lives in L.A. and already has tons of fashion connections and is obviously going places, Jay lives in a grandma house in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania and was a chubby band nerd in junior high! Plus he is original and brilliant, without sacrificing his personality or his humanity, which really came through on the finale.

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    Viva Jay! Viva America's Sweetheart! We heart you!

    Wednesday, February 23, 2005

    Everyone's Doing It, So It Must Be OK

    My blog got a facelift!

    Yes, we've had some work done. This blog and its blogette aren't getting any younger, you know. But it's tasteful, right? A little nip here, a tuck there, a spot of lipo and Botox and we're good as new! Hey, if it's good enough for Goldie Hawn...

    Inspired by Chepo and his blog's new, fresh-faced look, I decided to play around with the format a little. Do you like it? Let me know what you think! If everyone hates it, I will cry and fling myself onto the swooning couch; but after being revived by some smellin' salts, I'm sure I'll be able to face reality and switch back to the old look...
    I just got a hot tip from GossipList that She Who Shall Not Be Named's Hackgate nightmare is not yet over! Apparently, now dumbass' voicemail has been hacked into and posted on the internets:
    Someone hacked Paris' voice mail and posted an mp3 with all the messages on it. The mp3 has messages from two guys who want to 'hook up', one of those guys calls her the day after they hooked up and says,'Last night was great, when can we f*ck again?'

    There's also a message from her lawyer about the incident where Paris stole a copy of her porn tape from a West Hollywood magazine booth. Her uncle Stan also calls her twice and asks her to call him because he needs to 'ask her something'. In the second message, he's practically begging her to call him back.

    Nick Carter also leaves Paris a message, as does Egglintina (the chick she is kissing in the photos). The lawyer calls her back and tells her that the DA will not be pressing charges over Paris' newsstand theft and congratulates her on it.

    What a skanky little group of messages, eh? Lawyers, "hook-ups," uncles, Nick Carter--it's a veritable rogues' gallery! That's hott.

    There have been some rumors floating around that P-Hole masterminded this whole thing herself, because she'd gone about five minutes without a new scandal to get her all over the news. So she's either really smart, or she's really, really dumb...you know which one I'm votin' for. Bleh!
    Remember on last week's "Project Runway" get-together show, they kept referring to a nasty interview that evil English lady Vanessa did that pissed everyone off? Well, I found the interview! It's on the PopGurls website and is rather long, and in it Vanessa the Dressa keeps acting like living in Houston, TX is a fate worse than death--which it is, but who forced her to live there, I ask? Was she kidnapped by white slavers? She mentions it constantly. She also snarks on Heidi Klum (who apparently never spoke to the contestants); says that she, Vanessa, was the only one with real experience; acts very pompous while repeatedly saying how fun and hilarious she is; and complains bitterly about the unfairness of the whole reality show format, especially the fact that the camera made her into a poster child for plus-sized women in fashion--which was so very, very wrong because in real-life she is a svelte swan. Yeah, yeah Vanessa. Let's get this straight: You're a skinny underappreciated genius haute couturier laugh riot who has been cruelly imprisoned in Houston, where you are surrounded by rubes and phillistines. Uh huh.

    The funniest part is when she says how popular she was while she was a contestant:

    "I stayed in touch with people. In fact, I think that I'm one of everyone's favorites. I mean, everybody likes me - I don't have any problem with anyone. The one person I don't think I like very much NOW, because I've heard so much stupid shit about her, and plus I think she has no business being a fashion designer, is Wendy. We're set to have a reunion show and meet up with everybody; I'm not looking forward to seeing her."

    HA! How ironic, given that on the reunion show Jay asks Vanessa why she "has no soul" right before she storms off in a hissy huff. She came off even worse than Wendy--no small feat!

    To read the whole interview, go:

  • HERE!


  • Wendy has her own website up, too, if anyone's interested. She blathers on about episode 9 and how she didn't steal Kara Saun's orange fabric. We have eyes, Wendy Pepper! We have eyes.

    If you want to see horrible Wendy's website, go:

  • HERE!


  • Terri R. and I were talking tonight about what we would do if Wendy wins...after finishing one last s'more, I am pretty sure I will riot in the street in solidarity with my male gay brethren, who will have already burned Wendy in effigy; then cry bitter, bitter tears and shake my fists at an unknowing, uncaring God. I hope it doesn't come to that, though. There's already been one tragic, disastrous electoral victory this year; haven't we suffered enough?

    And I am just going to say it, right here, right now. Even though Kara Saun has been brilliant throughout the show, and I really like both her and her designs, I think Jay McCarroll is going to win. It's just something I need to believe in, people!

    Tuesday, February 22, 2005

    Run, do not walk, to Austin Scarlett's new webpage! It's even more fabulous than you think it is! The front page is so brilliant that I just had to give you a taste of what's in store:

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    Huh? Huh? Awesome.

    Parts of the site are still under construction, but the "Life Story" section is an extra-special delight! Go visit Austin:


  • HERE!


  • And what perfect timing, since your humble Felt Up blogette and her circle of intimates are feverishly planning what kinds of snacks and drinks we will shove into our collective pieholes for tomorrow night's two-hour "Project Runway" finale! Huzzah!

    Monday, February 21, 2005

    Ooh, I bet Lindsay Lohan is fit to be tied! Apparently the fuglier, even less talented Simpson sister, Ashlee, is dating Lindsay's ex!

    From UPI News:
    "MTV 'The Ashlee Simpson Show' star Ashlee Simpson is reported to be seeing a lot of pop rival Lindsay Lohan's ex-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama.

    Simpson took a 30 mile drive out of Los Angeles with her assistant last week just to meet up with the 'That 70s Show' star on the desert set of his new movie 'La Muerto,' TeenHollywood.com said.

    A set spy says, 'There was no kissing but the way they greeted each other and then cuddled, there was no mistaking that Wilmer and Ashlee are more than just buddies.'"

    Ashlee is going to be known as "La Muerta" herself if Lindsay gets wind of this. She may be tiny, she may be "exhausted," and god knows she may be hungover, but La Lohan strikes me as the kind of girl who would go medieval on any biyatch who dares mess around with her beloved Wilmer. She's got the crazy in her blood...

    Now excuse me while I rush over to "TeenHollywood.com"!
    It really is over. From CNN:
    "Sculptors in London's Madame Tussaud's museum were forced to break up a waxwork figure of Hollywood superstars Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston embracing following their separation last month.

    "It involved quite a lot of work, because they were entwined and had their arms around each other," said museum spokeswoman Diane Moon Monday. "Jen had one of her hands on Brad's chest and her other hand was resting on his bottom."

    The procedure, which involved remolding their arms, cost around 10,000 pounds, or the equivalent of $19,000, and the separated figures have been put back on display with their backs to each other."

    We should try to find some way to carry on with our lives, now that the finality of this disaster has sunk in.

    Onward, my friends. Onward.
    Hotcha! The Sidekick of She Who Shall Not Be Named Except This One Time, I Promise AKA Paris Hilton was hacked into and posted on the Internets today!

    Paris has quite a lengthy little black digital book at her disposal; Fred Durst, Luke Wilson, Andy Riddick, and Eminem are among the many, many manwhores whose private, personal telephone numbers are now listed online for all the world to see, and hopefully, prank call. Also in her PDA are some numbers of tanning booth joints; various LA and NYC night clubs; and fancy-pants sushi restaurants. Yes, everything you thought was part of Paris' full and rich intellectual life is all here! Plus a lot of text messages that are chillingly shallow, start with the salutation "Bitch!" and are a tad hard to understand (I don't speak Sidekick-ese. Or Hilton-ese, for that matter, thank God).

    I hope all of her famous friends are pissed that Miss Dumbass allowed their numbers to get splashed all over the Internets. She needs to be socially and professionally blacklisted, and pronto. Hurry, Hollywood! HURRY!

    The Drudge Report is saying that the FBI has gotten involved; so far, the page I viewed (thanks Juan! thanks Chepo!) is still up and still showin' the names-n-numbers. Email me if you want to see the page; I don't need the federal fuzz on my back, man!

    Wowee!

    Sunday, February 20, 2005

    Very upsetting news for fans of great, original writing:

    From CNN:
    "Journalist and author Hunter S. Thompson, who unleashed the concept of "gonzo journalism" in books like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," has died of what investigators suspect was a self-inflicted gunshot wound, authorities in Aspen, Colorado, said Sunday.

    A dispatcher for the Pitkin County Sheriff's Department said Thompson died of what investigators called a possible self-inflicted gunshot wound. No further information was released.

    Thompson, 67, was associated with the "New Journalism" movement of the 1960s, in which writers took a more novelistic and personal approach to their subjects. His account of a drug-fueled trip to cover a district attorneys' anti-drug conference as a writer for Rolling Stone magazine was the seed of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," perhaps his best-known work."


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    For some time now, I have been semi-obsessed with Ms. E.G. "Elizabeth" Daily, who most (old) people probably remember as Dottie, Pee-Wee's girlfriend in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," or as Loryn, the slutty friend in "Valley Girl."

    I'm not sure, exactly, why it is that I am so interested in her career; maybe it's because she has left her mark all over the pop culture landscape, and yet is largely unknown. Maybe it's...her spunk! Her moxie! Her crazy little girl/chipmunk voice! She has been in everything from "Lavern and Shirley" to "CHiPs," was the voice of Babe in the second "Babe" movie, has been on "Fame" and "Friends," and even had a small part in "Ladies and Gentlemen The Fabulouse Stains." She is everywhere! But what I love most about E.G. is her constant, never-ending drive--she has tried everything to make it big! Acting, singing, dancing, voiceovers--you name it, she's tried it. When the acting didn't pan out, she made a serious attempt at a pop music career (her band was playing at the dance in "Better Off Dead"), releasing two albums. That didn't really work out, either. So E.G. moved into voiceovers! She does a flourishing business voicing characters on "Rugrats" and "The Powerpuff Girls," among many other shows and movies.

    Best of all, E.G.'s personal life is rife with tragedy, drama, and scandal--it is a tabloid-lover's dream! Luckily, she has incorporated it all into her current project, a one-woman "autobiographical musical" called "Listen Closely." (Oh, Lord, please hear my plea, that some day, I, too, might star in my own one-woman autobiographical musical. It will be called "Huzzah!" and will make you laugh, yes, and cry, too, but mainly applaud, especially when you see my daring innovations in jazz dance. Some day...Yes, some sweet day.)

    Will someone please fly me to L.A. so I can see this show? Please?

    Here's a review I found on ReviewPlays.com. Although it's not so much a "review" as a love letter to E.G., of which I heartily approve:
    E. G. Daily grew up in a big but troubled family in a big house with a menagerie of ducks, chickens, dogs and a goat in the backyard. Early success in TV, film and music put her in the fast lane and she had liaisons with dozens of men (and three women). A blissful romance with Jon-Erik Hexum of the TV series “Voyagers” ended when he accidentally inflicted a mortal wound to himself with a prop gun. She was later dazzled by a rocker with a penchant for masochism. Still later, she married boxer and high-rolling gambler Rick Salomon, who abandoned her to first star in an infamous and globally-distributed sex video with Paris Hilton and then suddenly marry Shannon Doherty.

    Ms. Daily survived it all just fine, thank you, and she is thriving, as her new show will affirm. Graced with a pretty face and an alluring figure, it is her voice that is currently her fortune, as she is a much-sought-after voice-over talent and the voice of Buttercup of the Power Puff Girls and Tommy Pickles of Rugrats...

    She appears in two upcoming films, “The Devil’s Rejects” (directed by Rob Zombie) and “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!” (as Paris Hilton’s mother!)

    Gifted with a singing voice lovely enough that film critic Roger Ebert claimed “should be bronzed,” she composed songs which she sang for the soundtracks of “Scarface,” “The Breakfast Club,” “Thief of Hearts,” “Summer School,” “Better Off Dead,” and “Babe II: Pig In The City” (for which she also voiced the title character). E.G. also recorded three albums, with several songs reaching the top of Billboard magazine’s dance charts...

    “Listen Closely” has plenty of visual appeal, as Daily is clad in costumes designed to put her great shape to effective display. Come see “Listen Closely” for the sights, the sex, the scandals, the songs, and the fun.

    See what I mean? And how awesome is it that she is going to play She Who Shall Not Be Named's mother? Especially with their icky Rick Salomon sexual connection! E.G. is a brave, brave lady...

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    Now, E.G. has not sat idly by and let time erode her perky good looks. No way! She is still striving for perfection, and has, inevitably, opted for the plastic surgeon's knife, as is plainly evident when perusing the recent photos on her official website. She has poofed her lips to a Melanie Griffith level and is almost unrecognizable in many of the pictures. I expected as much, for she will let nothing stand in the way of her own personal road to stardom! NOTHING! Bless her little heart...

    To catch up with your old pal E.G., go:

  • HERE!
  • Saturday, February 19, 2005

    I never knew it, but I have a long-lost relative. Yes, thanks to my daily fix of gawker.com, I found out there is a virtual Felt Up doppelganger blog in NYC called Cityrag, which is sort of a big city version of its lowly country bumpkin cousin!

    There's celeb gossip, the odd dog show coverage, some good-natured snark, and--eeriest of all--the person doing the blog dotes on a corgi-chihuahua mix named Buddy! Corgis and gossip blogs apparently go hand-in-hand! Who knew? Check out the blog:

  • HERE!


  • And dog lovers should definitely peruse the Buddy the Wonderdog archives:


  • HERE!



  • Warning: Felt Up is not responsible for cute-attacks after viewing the French bulldog puppies' photo!
    Another day, another Lindsay-Lohan's-Dad-in-Deep-Doodoo story! Yippee!

    From the AP:

    "A car driven by Michael Lohan, 44, left a road and struck a utility pole shortly after midnight in the Long Island town of Syosset, said Nassau County Police Sgt. Patricia Scalzo.

    Lohan, of Laurel Hollow, was the only occupant of the vehicle. He got out before it burst into flames and was not injured.

    Police charged Lohan with driving while intoxicated and driving without a license. Lohan did not comment as he was taken from police headquarters to a court appearance.

    It was the latest in a series of scrapes with the law for Lohan, whose 18-year-old daughter starred in films including "Parent Trap," "Mean Girls," "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" and "Freaky Friday."

    In December, he pleaded guilty to several charges, including assaulting a brother-in-law at his son's communion party, and was ordered into drug and alcohol treatment and therapy. He also was arrested last June for allegedly skipping out on a $3,800 bill for several suites at a hotel.

    After his estranged wife filed for divorce, he held a news conference earlier this month to proclaim his problems with substance abuse were over.

    His attorney, Dominic Barbara, had no comment when contacted Saturday morning."


    No wonder his daughter is running amok--dancing on tabletops, doing god-knows-what with Johnny "My 9-Year-Old Daughter is 1/2 Lindsay Lohan's Age" Knoxville, constantly collapsing and causing problems on movie sets due to "exhaustion," etc, etc--the wild, substance-abusing, out-of-control apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, eh? I almost feel sorry for her. As much as I can feel sorry for a skinny, pretty 18-year-old multimillionaire superstar ho-in-training. Which ain't much.

    What's Tara Reid's excuse?

    PS
    Special thanks to superstar snitch Michelle S. for the head's up. Now back to your books, young lady! This kind of reading material is far too low-brow for the likes of you!

    Friday, February 18, 2005

    From the "I Will Never Look at a Barber's Pole the Same Way Again" file comes this report that was the lead in today's Page Six column:

    "The most lurid testimony to be heard in Michael Jackson's looming child molestation trial could concern the bizarre appearance of his penis.

    Private investigator Ernie Rizzo, who was hired by the family of the boy who accused Jackson of molestation in 1993, predicts that Jackson's latest alleged victim could provide damning testimony about the pop oddball's uniquely marked manhood.

    Rizzo, a former Chicago police detective who has seen photographs of Jackson's genitals taken by cops in 1993, claims that because Jackson "bleaches" his body twice a week, distinctive markings on his penis are visible when he is aroused.

    'It looks like a barber's pole,' Rizzo tells PAGE SIX. 'That's exactly what it looks like. The first kid and all the other kids who have seen his penis know that there are brown circles around it.

    'If the second kid is allowed to testify, this will come into question,' Rizzo predicts. 'Jackson doesn't have [the skin-whitening disease] vitiligo. Debbie Rowe got him the bleach — she used to work for the dermatologist . . . There has never been any dermatologist who has come forward on his behalf to say he has vitiligo.'

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    All together now: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I've been saying for some time that the Penis Factor was going to be a big element in this trial, because of all the rumors floating around that the kid who took the payoff twelve years ago was able to describe The King of Pop's dong to a "t." The question is: Will the prosecutors be allowed to show photos in court of the royal wang? Will they get out pointers and do a "JFK"-style examination of the evidence ("Down and to the left. Down and to the left!")? A girl can hope, can't she? Stay tuned!

    And finally, some nerd news from WENN:

    "Star Wars director George Lucas will make a cameo appearance in the upcoming final film in the sci-fi series.

    Lucas is set to follow in the footsteps of Lord Of The Rings film-maker Peter Jackson by briefly appearing before cameras in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge Of The Sith, playing Baron Papanoida in an opera house scene."

    The special nerd in your humble Felt Up blogette's life kindly provided a photo of King George in his rather fetching costume:

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    Huzzah!

    Thursday, February 17, 2005

    There is a funny article in today's NY Times about 50 Cent's life in rich, white, suburban Connecticut, which includes this description of his house:

    "Two years ago, he paid $4.1 million (about a quarter of the original asking price) for the house, which had been owned by Mike Tyson. The house, listed in town property records at 48,500 square feet, has 52 rooms, including 21 bedrooms and a room walled entirely in Gucci leather. It also has 39 bathrooms and 4 whirlpools."

    I wonder which room is walled in Gucci leather? One of the 39 bathrooms? Thank god MTV is filming an episode of "Cribs" there as I write this!

    To read the article and possibly sit through an unintentionally funny "Is Marijuana really so bad for my kids" ad, go:

  • HERE!
  • Sorry, I will be out of "the office," ie, my living room, for the day. There's no good gossip today anyway. (Famous last words!)

    I would like to mention that last night's "let's all gang up on Wendy Pepper" episode of "Project Runway" was fabulous. Particularly fun: The OK, now let's all gang up on evil Vanessa from England section, the Evil Vanessa from England leaves the set portion, and the "bloopers" reel featuring Robert "House of" Plotkin mangling the English language with his usual unflappable charm. Huzzahs all around!

    Wednesday, February 16, 2005

    Kid Rock has won the National Book Award for his opus "Devil Without A Cause," reports the Associated Press:

    "The Award Committee sited Rock's "startling insight into disaffected caucasian youth" and his "lyrical, neo-realistic stylistic advances" during the announcement of the award last night.

    The award came as something of a surprise to the assembled press, who had expected Bob Dylan's critically-acclaimed "Chronicles" to win.

    Dylan could not be reached for comment."

    HA! Did you think the world had gone mad or something? Kid Rock was really just arrrested for attacking a strip club dj, naturellment. Puh-leese! Things are topsy-turvy, but they're not that crazy...not yet, anyway. From CNN:

    "Kid Rock was arrested Wednesday by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at a strip club.

    The 34-year-old rapper was released after posting a $3,000 bond on a charge of simple assault, a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail.

    'Everything is wonderful. It was a beautiful night,' Kid Rock said as he left the Criminal Justice Center...

    Authorities said he was charged after a 3 a.m. altercation at Christie's Cabaret near downtown Nashville.

    'Inside the establishment there was a squabble concerning, I guess, the selection of music,' Nashville police Sgt. James Smith told reporters. 'Again there are no major injuries but an assault did take place.'

    Television footage from outside the club showed the DJ, identified as Jay Campos, with a red mark on his face and holding his broken eyeglasses.

    Arresting officer Lt. Calvin Hullett said Kid Rock surrendered at an apartment where he had been staying. He was in town to perform at a memorial service for songwriter Merle Kilgore Tuesday at Ryman Auditorium.

    Hullett described Kid Rock as 'very cooperative,' despite giving officers the slip earlier. Hullett said the rapper left through a back door of another strip club when authorities showed up to arrest him.

    When officers caught up with him, Kid Rock said he had dodged them because he wanted to sober up before being booked, Hullett said."

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    Yeah, well, it is rather an important issue, the selection of music at a titty bar. I mean, who can blame Mr. Rock? If they started playing Shania Twain's "Man, I Love Being A Woman" instead of "Push It" by Salt-n-Pepa, I might punch the dj, too. Isn't this in the Consitution somewhere? Maybe the world has gone mad...

    FREE KID ROCK!
    What an exciting Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show it was last night! There was tons of drama, as a darkhouse came from behind with an astounding display of showmanship to snatch the title Best in Show from veritable shoe-in Coco! It was an emotional rollercoaster!

    The winner was Carlee, a German Shorthaired Pointer. Terri R. and I at first were not impressed with Carlee, simply because the dog was not all that beautiful or interesting-looking...then came the final judging, and Carlee wowed us--and the judge!--with her incredible rock star attitude and demeanor. That dog worked her show, baby! She deserved to win!

    The best part about the Best in Show judging was all the Beatlemania-type screaming and yelling that went on from the stands of Madison Square Garden. People were shrieking "Great Pyrenees!" or whatever breed they wanted to win, or just plain "AAAAAAAAAH!" It mirrored what was going on chez Terri, let me tell you...

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    Carlee, 2005 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show Best in Show! AAAAAAAH! CAAAAARRRRLY!

    Naturally, this upset meant that Coco, the dazzling Norfolk Terrier who wowed us all at last year's Westminster, lost yet again. This little dog, the same kind shown by Eugene Levy's character in Christopher Guest's "Best in Show," is a superstar! So silly-looking, yet posesssing a magical ability to captivate the crowd with her prancing and posing! It was a shame that Coco lost again, but it really was her show to lose and Carlee simply performed better. I know that is a controversial statement, but I stand by it! I am entitled to my opinion!

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    Coco! Wooooooo! WOOOOOOOOOO! COCO!

    Now, for personal reasons, I present the winner of the Best of Breed, Welsh Pembroke Corgi division:

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    Didn't win the Herding Group, and I can't say that I was surprised. Certain Corgis who shall remain nameless are much better looking and full of charm! I did scream every single time there was even a tiny glimpse of the Corgi, though, I must admit. I am, after all, not made of stone. And the video of a Corgi herding sheep in Wales--well, you can imagine.

    But all was not happiness and sunshine, people! Reality TV needs its villains, and Westminster is no exception. The Wendy Pepper of the Best in Show competition was without a doubt...The Pekenese. This ridiculous ball of fluff was way too over-the-top. Just look at it!

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    Maybe it was striking a killer pose under there--who knows? The thing could barely walk! I just prefer a dog to look like a dog, not an Ewok reject from "Return of the Jedi." And to paraphrase Jay McCarroll, you'd think that for the final challenge she could have put on a little lipstick! Thank god this dog didn't win, there would have been rioting at a certain apartment complex in A-Town!

    All in all, a swell show. The best line: The Best in Show judge lady saying about Carlee, "this bitch had it all perfect." Hee hee! Don't forget tonight it's the everyone-gang-up-on-Wendy episode of "Project Runway", hurrah!

    Tuesday, February 15, 2005

    The NY Times has a favorable take on "Project Runway," and the piece ends with this interesting preview of tomorrow night's confrontational pre-finale episode:

    "And just as every reality show has its Omarosa, on 'Runway' everybody loves to hate Wendy, 39, a mother and dress designer from Middleburg, Va., who conceals a killer's cunning behind glasses and a homebody hairstyle. In next week's finale the three finalists, Jay, Kara and Wendy, show their collections during New York Fashion Week (the eventual winner will get, among other things, $100,000 in seed money). Tonight, as a warm-up to the finale, eliminated designers are brought back to reminisce and confront. Wendy, suddenly glamorous with newly dyed hair and no glasses, bears the brunt.

    'We were all really nice to you because we felt sorry for you because you're such a terrible designer and like, a mother of however many children and you live in the middle of wherever,' Vanessa, 34, a Englishwoman with a loose upper lip, wails. 'And you just stepped on every one of us.'

    Jay and Kara are more talented and far more pleasant, and they deserved to be finalists. 'Project Runway' is what fashion should be and so often is not: naughty, but also sometimes nice."

    Heh. Vanessa was kind of annoying, but I may have to re-evaluate my opinion of her given that brilliantly bitchy comment. And note: Even the NY Times hates Wendy!
    There are some interesting rumblings on the Internets about the possibility that Jay McCarroll, everyone's (and by "everyone's", I mean "my") favorite "Project Runway" personality may have...well. Oh, hell. I guess I'll stop here because some weirdos out there don't like spoilers and get all freaked-out by them for some reason. What about "possible" spoilers, though? What's the protocol on those, eh? Oh, whatever. Read the following or don't! It's just gossip! And frankly, I don't care who wins the damn show as long as it's not heinous Wendy Pepper!

    From Gawker.com:

    "While we’re waiting for the February 23rd finale of Bravo’s Project Runway, we thought we’d dangle a possible spoiler-on-a-stick in front of your hungry mouths. After the series’ winner was decided during a hush-hush fashion show last week, a Gawker operative, firmly planted backstage, overheard “wild card” finalist Jay utter the following choice tidbit:

    “I just don’t want to be creatively raped, you know?”

    Hmm. What an interesting comment, given that the winner of Project Runway receives a mentorship from Banana Republic. We’re just sayin’."

    And I'm just sayin' that I took a gander at the "Project Runway" product line, as is my wont, and found a suspicioulsy large number of Jay items for sale, such as:

    "Hand made cotton canvas cuffs with circles of various colors and fabric combinations. Back of cuff is lined in cotton with a velcro closure. If you love Jay...you'll love this concept!"

    Oh, and I do love Jay, and I do love this concept! Only $24 and you get something hand-made--by who? Jay himself? Kathy Lee's retired child laborers? Bravo is not very specific about whose hands, exactly, are making the cuffs...There's also Jay t-shirts, and Jay tote bags, and...me wantie!

    There are some Kara underpants, but the majority of the products are Jay's. Is it a sign? Or are they messin' with our minds, man?

    To check out the line, go:

  • HERE!


  • I wear a size medium t-shirt, by the way. Just FYI.
    Michael Musto has some tantalizing tidbits in his "La Dulce Musto" column in The Village Voice--and they are all jam-packed into one tiny lil' paragraph! I shall try to discern the meaning of his words like a fortune-teller reading tea leaves:

    "In other eyebrow-lifting news, Blondie legend DEBBIE HARRY is writing her tell-all—and I do mean all—memoirs, due next year. . . . More immediately, am I nutzoid or does NICOLE RICHIE look lighter? . . . And speaking of white stuff, what TV personality shoved more of it up her nose at Sundance than there was snow on the slopes? In fact her well-known hubby had to ask her to slow down the intake. I'm not agreeing, mind you, I'm just helping her tell her story."

    OK. The first line is pretty self-evident--but still very exciting! I have high hopes that this will be a juicy backstage drugs-n-sexpose a la Please Kill Me! Debbie Harry has always seemed like a fun gal, especially as the frighteningly bewigged stagemom in "Hairspray" ("Faster! Faster! Mashed potatoes! Cha cha cha!"), and surely she has seen her share of dirt. Filthy, disgusting, dirt. Please dish it, Debbie! A girl can dream, can't she? Dreamin' is free, right?

    Speaking of "high hopes," the next bit implies that Mr. Musto believes all those Nicole-Richie-is-a-junkie rumors that are flyin' around. Who knows if they are true or not, but I will say that she was on "The Howard Stern Show" recently and stepped on Howard's infamous hidden scale, which revealed that Ms. Richie weighs 97 pounds. Let me repeat that number: 97! I haven't weighed 97 pounds since birth--and I weighed approximatey 96 pounds 3 ounces upon delivery! (My mom is still rather bitter. But I digress.) Seriously, ya'll--97 pounds is what Mary Kate Olsen weighs (although that does include layer upon layer of homeless ragamuffin quilts, shawls, and leg warmers)!

    The next part is a "blind item," but I have my own guess as to the answer. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on the sterling reputation of a "tv personality" (moi?), but the only I can think of who is married to a "well-known hubby" is former E! host Jules Asner, who is married to director Steven Soderbergh. If anyone can think of a more likely couple, please write in--the world wants answers!
    Time for another edition of Highlights from Star Magazine! Huzzah!

    There's a lot going on on the cover. First we have "Nick & Jessica FIGHTING & CRYING!" with a photo of Jessica apparently sobbing next to a non-sad-looking Nick: "She's Shattered As He Stays Out Till 4:30am & Parties Hard With Other Women." A tiny bar reads "EXCLUSIVE: He's Locked Out of the House!" Then on the side there is a photo of Brad & Jen: "Are They Still Split?" Best of all is a really funny picture of Britney Spears way down in the bottom corner of the cover, with her mouth hangin' open, lookin' like a trashy version of the lady from "Les Miz": "BRITNEY'S AGONY: Is Kevin Still In Love With His Ex?"

    There's some coverage inside of the Screen Actors Guild Awards--yawn. Superbowl Stars: yawn, yawn. Fashion Week Stars: You'd think this would perk me up, but nooooooooo! The photos are of Laura Bush (!), Christie Brinkley, and hideous Tori Spelling...yawn, yawn, yawn. Even Lil' Kim is boring me to tears--all covered up---what's the point of that, formerly-awesome ex-hoochie mama? Why do you disappoint me so? Crazy professional show-off Kimora Lee Simmons, at least, looks suitably mad in her plunging white "Charlie's Angels"-style jumpsuit at her Baby Phat show, and her two cute teeny daughters look really funny walking next to her in matching Ugg-style white furry boots. Awww! Crazy fashion freaks in training! Tres adorable.

    Then Star asks the question on a nation's lips: "Demi & Ashton: Is He Being Pushed To PROPOSE?" The accompanying article says that "Ashton is still a bit of a player. He is crazy about Demi, but he has a wandering eye." Heh. The best part? Next to a phot of the not-so-happy May/December couple is the caption: "Dude! Where's my engagement ring?!" Double heh. By the way, I didn't think it was humanly possible, but Demi is looking thinner than ever. Have I ever mentioned my deep personal loathing for Demi Moore? It grows daily, as she shrinks before our eyes. Bleh!

    Next up is "Should These Women Be Worried?" which refers to the women (serial costar canoodler Jennifer Garner and baby-provider Danielle Spencer) who love/are married to two caddish actors (Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe). The answer: YES. The article speculates wildly on the possibility of Ben and/or Rusty cheating on their beloveds with their hot costars. Ben is in a new movie with Rebecca Romijn, and Rusty is "down under," as it were, with frozen wax figure Nicole Kidman. Personally, I doubt there will be high-jinks with these particular co-stars, since Romijn has taken leave of her senses and gotten serious with eternal frat boy Jerry O'Connell, and Nicole Kidman is no longer technically a human being since she replaced her blood with Botox. No, if I were these ladies, I would be more worried about the assorted casino barmaids, strippers, "models," Playboy Bunnies, etc. who parade throught these men's lives on a daily, perhaps even hourly, basis. But what do I know?

    In the "Couples" section, we have a headline sure to give Terri R. a cheap thrill--albeit a short-lived one, as Star is playing cruel games with our love of homoeroticism: "Orlando Chose Johnny Depp Over Kate!" Yes, thanks a lot, Star, for raising the fragile hopes and dreams of a people with this innuendo...only to dash them to smithereeens with the revelation that it was the busy schedule of filming the "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel that drove a wedge between Bosworth and Bloom, not the pouty lips of Mr. Depp. However, Terri will be glad to know that the nail in the coffin of B/B's romance was an all-nighter of "beer-soaked" revelry Bloom spent with one Sean Bean! Yes, the article quotes "British gossip-columnist Leigh Purves," who says that "Orlando loves a big night out with the boys, and Bean is a real hell-raiser." Sigh. Orlando Bloom is way too pretty for my blood, but snarly brute Sean Bean is another story altogether. Swoon!

    Then there's a tres boring "All Bundled Up" photospread, featuring such luminaries as Kelly Ripa, Jerry Lewis, Dick Cheney (!), and Madonna (she bores me now) wrapped up in expensive puffy coats for the cold weather. Like I give a crap!

    Next is a "ripped-straight-from-Desperate-Housewives" headline: "Julia: Jealous Of Her Nannies?" Apparently, little miss control-freak hired three full-time nannies to take car of her twins, after first carefully screening them to make sure they have excellent references, relevant previous work experience, and are butt-ugly unattractive trolls.

    OK. The first cover story we come to is "Nick & Jessica: All But Over?" The in-depth investigation by Star recounts more Nick-gone-wild-at-the-Superbowl stories (beer-drinking! touching/feeling/kissing cheerleaders/fans/"Asian brunettes"/Jessica look-alikes! shots of Cuervo! much whispering! lots o' laffs!). The article speculates that Jessica must have gotten wind of her hubby's shennanigans, because the next night "Nick showed up at the Playboy pre-Super Bowl party...chaperoned by none other than Jessica's father, Joe Simpson, and by Ryan Cabrera, the boyfriend of Jessica's sister Ashlee." Poor Nick. Does the punishment really fit the crime? Isn't being married to whiny retard Jessica enough? A week earlier, Star reports breathlessly, Jessica locked Nick out of her rental house in Baton Rouge after he stayed out until 4:30 am par-taying. Interestingly, there is no mention of the gossip that has been circulating on the Internets about Jessica allegedly engaging in some not-so-innocent salad-tossing with male whore Johnny Knoxville. There is, however, a sidebar on her new "Perk-Up-The-Bedroom Plan," which involves red satin underpants, stripper music, and reading Jenna Jameson's essential tome How To Make Love Like A Pornstar. Hmmm...It. Just. Might. Work!

    Then there is a funny little photospread about Mary-Kate "The Thin One" Olsen's "Strip Show," which sadly only refers to her peeling off layers 1-17 of her 25 layers of frumpy bag-lady clothing in order to reveal her new, spring-like self wearing...a frumpy bag-lady sack dress and cowboy boots. At least her scrawny arms and legs are getting aired out a bit, I guess.

    Ahh. Onto the big boys. "Brad & Jen: ARE THEY FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN?" The answer: NO.

    Hee-hee! The best is yet to come! "Paris Hilton--This Butt's For You!" features snarktastic before and after photos of She Who Shall Not Be Named with and without faux butt implants! Lord, does she need them. A doctor notes that "Paris has no shelf to her buttocks. Her butt lacks projection." Snort! Guffaw! Oh, Star. Just when I think I'm out...you keep pullin' me back in!

    The last cover story: "Is Kevin Still In Love With Shar?" The basis for this world-shaking query? Pa Federline has been seen wearing...dum da dum dum...cornrows! Yes, it seems that Shar just loved seeing her Kevvie all braided up, and his new 'do is a sure sign that he's trying to please his baby-mama. Apparently, one of the reasons Britney is so obsessed with conceiving Cletus' child is that she's jealous of the "special bond" he has with Shar because of their kids; most wonderfully, Britney allegedly crashed Kev-Kev's "boys' night out" in Vegas "because she thought she was ovulating!" Wow. I am momentarily speechless. I am without speech.

    I'm back!

    Next we have a truly gag-inducing photo of Lisa Marie Presley and her new husband-to-be, a musician named Michael Lockwood who seems to have some kind of gouter condition. I'm sure that four is her lucky number, though. With her track record and his deformed neck, what could possibly go wrong?

    Reality show crap takes up the next several pages. Yuck!

    But wait, I've spoken too soon. Here's a pretty good rhetorical question: "What Is Daniel Baldwin's Problem?" Besides being fat and careerless, you mean? Apparently he's on the VH1 show "Celebrity Fit Club" with Liv's sister Mia Tyler and The Snapple Lady, and is causing a lot of drama by yelling at the crew, fighting with his co-stars, and not showing up. Star wonders out loud if "Baldwin's boorishness" is "just the latest in a string of erratic behavior, inluding a 1998 drug binge that landed him in the hospital?" Oh, please, let the answer be yes! I have to admit that I have a soft spot in my tiny heart for any celeb, however minor, however washed-up, who goes on a drug binge!

    That's pretty much it for the good stuff. The back page's "HEY! Remember Me?" features Fab from Milli Vanilli. Supposedly, according to Star he is still working, barely; while Rob, who died in 1998 of a tragic drug overdose, is not.

    Don't forget to watch The 2005 Westminster Kennel Club Show tonight on the USA Network, it's the only sporting event that matters! Is this (pleasepleaseplease) the Year of the Corgi? Will Coco finally win before she retires? How could that Pomeranian who wowed us last year not make it to the finals? Are Neapolitan mastiffs going to clean up their first year at the Show? THE DRAMA IS KILLING ME ALREADY! Stay tuned for a full report tomorrow...

    Monday, February 14, 2005

    Aha! I just perused the "Access Hollywood" website, as is my wont, and found this photo of evil Nancy O'Dell wearing loathesome "Project Runway" contender Wendy Pepper's despised design at last night's Grammy Awards:

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Damning evidence indeed! Where are the horrible goddamn feathers that Wendy so painstakingly sewed onto the hideous skirt? J'accuse, Nancy O'Dell, j'accuse!

    O'Dell said she would have to "tweak" the design, but it looks like she just kept the top and made the bottom into a run-of-the-mill miniskirt, albeit in bright orange.

    Oooh, I just can't stand it! AUSTIN NOT BEING IN THE FINAL THREE IS ALL YOUR FAULT NANCY O'DELL! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! At least the punishment fits the crime: She had to wear the outfit! And I'm pretty sure it won't be valuable years from now as a vintage House of Pepper original. Unlike the Austin Scarlett couture Grammy dress...

    Phooey!
    I have to confess that I didn't actually watch the Grammy Awards last night, due to lack of interest, but now I'm kinda wishing I had--Friend of Felt Up Terri R. and Link of Felt Up Neal Pollack have provided funny re-hashes and it sounds like a fabulous night of tv-watching was had by all!

    Here's Terri R.'s account, via e-mail:

    "It was actually pretty good, what I saw. I talked on
    the phone with Ursula and watched at the same time.
    Alicia Keys was probably the best performer. Ursula
    and I agreed that she looked amazing (way, way better
    than usual -- even though I think she's very pretty,
    she never really impresses me with her weird outfits
    and bad hairdos. But last night she looked gorgeous.)
    And her performance made us cry!

    Usher performed with James Brown. !!!

    Cyndi Lauper
    was in the audience!

    Loretty Lynn won and accepted her award with the
    ghoulish Jack White! Eek!

    A bald Melissa Etheridge performed a Janis Joplin song
    with the annoying Joss Stone. [Ed. note: You know how some performers
    are referred to as "The Amazing Lena Horne"or "The Genius Ray Charles"?
    I think from now on everyone should call her "The Annoying Joss Stone."]

    Kanye West had a cool performance and a funny
    acceptance speech.

    And the host was Queen Latifah! We think she's gained
    back some of her lost weight. Of course, she still
    looked gorgeous. We could have done with more costume
    changes, however.

    Beyonce looked GOOD, from what I saw. I know, what's
    new? But she looked freaky at some awards show
    recently, didn't she? With some minidress and wild
    hir?"[Ed. note: At the MTV Video Music Awards, Beyonce wore gold hot pants and had her hair all crazy.]

    At this point, Terri addresses my query as to the details of the "unintentional hilarity" of the big duet with J. Lo and her troll-doll husband, Marc Anthony:

    "They sang a duet in Spanish. The set was like a fancy
    bedroom. She was wearing a sort of pretty dress
    except it had a wide spangly section in the midriff,
    making it look like she was hiding a pregnancy or
    something. When she turned and walked away from the
    camera, I totally saw her ass jiggling! Why does she
    cover it up all the time now!?!!? [Ed. note: Because
    the troll won't let her!] Flaunt it, J. Lo!
    Flaunt it! I only saw about half of the performance,
    and I thought she actually sounded OK, but Ursula says
    she hit a really bad awkward note at some point.
    Maybe she can blame it on acid reflux.

    Anyway, I didn't get the gist of their little performance
    number. Maybe it was a couple getting ready to go out
    on the town, or perhaps they had just returned from a
    night on the town. She sat at a dressing table at one
    point and I think he brushed her hair! Ha ha! When
    she stood right next to him you could see what a
    midget little troll he is. It was just really
    overdramatic, which I am blaming on their Latino
    heritage. [Ed. note: Terri is herself Latina and can
    make fun of their shared heritage all she wants. So there!]
    It seemed like a number that could have
    been on a fancier version of "Sabado Gigante." I
    secretly enjoyed it, but am ashamed to admit it..."

    Now, here's Neal Pollack's description of the same J. Lo/Troll Doll number, which I have stolen from Premium Salon (Stop judging me! I paid for it! I deserve it! You're not my father!):

    "He stands at a purple-lit window that fronts a set on loan from Home Depot. The set parts to reveal J. Lo, wearing a lime-green curtain held together by long strips of silver and gold glitter. She's in what appears to be the honeymoon suite at the world's cheesiest boutique hotel. There's a reason these two haven't sung together in public before. It's because Marc Antony is humiliatingly better than Jennifer Lopez. At least with Ben Affleck, it was an even match of talentlessness; the equivalent to J. Lo performing with Mark Antony would be Affleck hitching his wagon to Frances McDormand. I think J. Lo's handlers assume that we'll take the spiciness of their love for granted because they're Latin, but those of us who have truly felt passion cannot be deceived! They walk around the hotel room in what is supposed to be a dance of seduction, but they don't even really acknowledge each other's presence. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer have more sexual chemistry on stage than J. Lo and Marc Antony."

    If you are a member of Salon Premium, and all good and decent folk are, then you should definitely read Pollack's blow-by-blow account--despite the fact that he keeps referring to "Mark Antony" not "Marc Anthony." Heh. And I must say that non-professional writer Terri R. did just as good a job! Kudos and huzzahs! As I've said before, it takes a village!
    More Valentine's romance! CNN is reporting that everyone's favorite convicted child rapist is headed to the hitchin' post--with her lovah!

    "Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry the former sixth-grade pupil with whom she had two children, months after her release from prison for raping him, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported, citing an online bridal registry.

    Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, set a wedding date of April 16, according to their registry at a department store. Letourneau served 7 1/2 years on a 1997 conviction for raping Fualaau, who has said in the past that he hoped to wed his former teacher.

    'It's been long overdue,' Noel Soriano, a friend of the couple, told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer in a story published Monday. 'It's going to be fabulous, seeing them get hitched finally.'

    A lawyer for Fualaau and a friend of Letourneau did not immediately return calls Monday seeking further comment.

    Letourneau was a 34-year-old married mother of four when she began a sexual relationship with her then-12-year-old elementary school student in 1996. She was pregnant with Fualaau's first child when she was arrested in 1997 and ordered to serve a six-month sentence for second-degree child rape.

    One month after she was released, Letourneau was caught having sex with Fualaau in her car. She pleaded guilty in 1997 to two charges of child rape, and gave birth to the couple's second daughter while serving her 7 1/2-year sentence. Fualaau's mother is raising their two daughters, aged 6 and 7.

    Shortly after Letourneau was released from prison last August, the pair successfully petitioned a judge to lift a no-contact order that had barred them from seeing each other.

    Soriano said Fualaau proposed last fall, but the couple has been trying to keep wedding details a secret. Details are yet to be completed, but plans call for their daughters to be flower girls, he said.

    'They have gone through a lot," Soriano said. "That they lasted this long proves how strong their love is.'"

    Mary Kay was kind of ahead of her time with her forbidden/illegal love affair, wasn't she? Kind of a trail-blazer. What is it with all these crazy lady teachers doin' it with their 'tween students? It's practically an epidemic! Is the dating scene even worse than I thought? Has it really come to this? Can't they just stay home and watch the Oxygen Network and eat bon-bons and cry their eyes out like normal women? I just find it very, very odd.

    I wanted to make some kind of joke about this story of enduring love giving new meaning to the term "baby daddy," ie babies-having-babies or somethin' like that, but my heart's just not in it...bah humbug! Mary Kay depresses me. I need cheering up! More drug-induced seizures, stat!