Monday, January 31, 2005

Today is the one year anniversary of Felt Up: The Blog!

Ahh, January 31, 2004--I remember it well. There I was, a wanna-be blogette, a whippersnapper with nothing but grit and determination and a little thing called...hope. Hope that one day we might live in a world where gossipmongering is not considered gauche. Where libel does not carry a hefty fine and jail time. Where a girl can talk trash about complete strangers and still be respected in the morning. Where Tara Reid is not a crime. We still have a long way to go, but together, we can make that hope a reality.

Towards that lofty goal, here's a totally unfounded and probably untrue report about Jennifer Aniston from WENN:

"Movie beauty Jennifer Aniston has fuelled speculation she's dating her Derailed co-star Vincent Cassel by spending most of her free time with the French actor.

The 35-year-old actress - who ended her four-year marriage to actor Brad Pitt earlier this month - became close to 38-year-old Cassel while filming their latest movie on location in Chicago and London.

And the relationship has continued in Los Angeles, where post production work on the film continues, reports British newspaper the Daily Star.

A close source says, 'There's real chemistry between them. When they're together they speak almost in whispers, with eye contact all the time. Sometimes she will give that laugh, broad smile and play flirtatiously with her hair. If pressed, she'll tell you that Vincent is very close and very dear to her. But he seems much more than an agony uncle.'"

ATTENTION TERRI R.: Do not panic! STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! Good. Take a few deep breaths and count to ten. Good, good. Maybe get a drink of water. That's better. Now. We who love you know all too well about the strong, perhaps even illegal, feelings that you harbor toward this thugalicious Gallic thespian named Vincent Cassel. Mon dieu! But before you burn Jennifer Aniston in scrawny effigy, let's examine the facts. What do we REALLY know about this so-called "affair"? First, that it was reported in the "Daily Star." Doesn't that have a sort of pinko sound to it? What do Communists know about celebrity gossip? At any rate, this rag is surely not of the same high journalistic caliber we've come to expect from Star and Us Weekly. And until I read it in "People," it's not true. Anyway, the only thing they are saying is that there is chemistry between them and that she keeps playing with her hair. A FOOT STOOL would have chemistry with Vincent Cassel! He's French and brutish! And she's probably playing with her hair to take her mind off the fact that she is not only on the verge of divorcing "The Sexiest Man Alive" (to some people) but also starving to death. Hair can sometimes remind a non-eater of pasta. Angel-hair pasta, to be exact.

Also, they fail to mention that he is married to Monica Belucci, the Italian slut who played Mary Magdalene in "The Passion" and famously pulled a Demi Moore by posing au naturelle for the cover of a magazine while preggers with Vincent's child, much to the horror of Italy, not to mention Terri R. Where is Monica in the above report? Answer: Nowhere. I bet those amateurs at the Daily Star didn't even know he was married! Scoff! Snort!

So, let's not jump the gun. Vincent Cassel will surely come to his senses and a) rebuff the ineffectual flirtations of a still-married chin-on-a-stick and b) divorce his suffocating (I'm assuming) harridan of a wife so he can c)continue to live on in the dirty fantasies of Terri R., unsullied and pure. The way God meant them.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the kind words and support re: Aniston stealing my French boyfriend. Could you please tell me what an "agony uncle" is?

Terri R.

jennifer said...

Well, an "agony aunt" is an advice-to-the-lovelorn-type columnist, so I guess they are saying that Vincent claims to just be lending a sympathetic ear to the heartsick Jen.

You have the prayers and support of a nation, Terri R. We're with you!

Anonymous said...

I like that Italian slut!

Happy one year Felt Up Blogette. Here's to year two!

- c3p0

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