Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Page Six was a veritable smorgasbord of delectable gossipy treats today, hurrah!

First up, there's a list of some Golden Globes' off-camera shennanigans:

" * Tobey Maguire was supposed to introduce the clip of 'The Aviator' at the Golden Globes but he dropped out at the last minute, supposedly because he's overweight and his handlers want to keep him out of sight until he loses the lard...

* Star Jones Reynolds and Melissa and Joan Rivers ignored each other on the red carpet as they broadcast for rival channels. The air was icy, witnesses said. But Star and Joan later posed together for photos where Joan was 'mock bitch-slapping Star.'...

* Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis had a lovers' quarrel at the InStyle/Warner Bros. party, which ended when "Mischa slapped Brandon," a partygoer said. The temperamental twosome made up and left together shortly thereafter.

* Nicky Hilton and 'Entourage' star Kevin Connolly also looked 'miserable,' our spies say. Hilton was upset after a run-in with Shannen Doherty in the bathroom at the Glamour/Miramax party at Trader Vic's. The two hate each other ever since Nicky's sister Paris — mysteriously absent from the evening — did a sex tape with Doherty's ex, Rick Salomon. 'Shannen won the staredown and Nicky backed off,' a spy laughed.

* Quentin Tarantino stepped out on girlfriend Sofia Coppola. The quirky, foot-obsessed director hit the Glamour party with a male pal and was 'approached at the end of the night by a pretty girl who said she admired his work,' our spy reports. Tarantino 'snuggled' with the unidentified woman in a booth for the rest of the night.

* Usher arrived at all the parties — Glamour/Miramax, InStyle/Warner Bros., Fox Searchlight, Universal and HBO — with a 'huge entourage and cut all the lines — it was really annoying,' said a witness. Usher tried to hit on Halle Berry at the InStyle party while James King was seen 'working' actor-turned-director Zach Braff at the HBO bash."

OK. One at a time: Is there anything better than learning a celebrity is too fat to present an award? Answer: NO. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER.

And here's an interesting existential question: In a real, non-staged bitch slap contest, who would win: Joan Rivers or Star Jones? Sure, Star has the size advantage and was the ultimate "Bridezilla," plus she's an ass who said that "God blessed her" for sparing her life in the tsunami because she visited the area a month before the disaster, but Joan is an old pro at the bitch game who drove her husband to suicide...this may be one of those questions best left to the philosophers...or at least a Felt Up Mini Poll.

Speaking of bitch slaps, James St. James should be skipping in his high heels through the streets of Hollywood at the news that his beloved boy toy Brandon Davis was slapped by talentless too-thin-even-for-L.A. non-actress Mischa Barton. Here's your chance, James---grab that oily bull by the horns!

But why-oh-why did Nicky Hilton and Shannen Doherty only engage in a "staredown"? Why couldn't they have engaged in a full-blown hissy-fit catfight in the bathroom? WHY? What about MY needs? I could've told Nicky not to bother with the staredown, though. No way in hell is Shannen Doherty going to lose one of those--and Nicky, everyone knows you have to have a SOUL in order to stare someone down! Shannen's soul may be utterly black, and very, very small, and quite evil, but it is in there somewhere. Nicky and Paris quite obviously sold theirs a long, long time ago...if they even had 'em to begin with. Which I doubt very much.

The Tarantino thing is not that interesting in and of itself, but I love anything that might cause Little Miss Perfect Sofia Coppola a little discomfort in her life. It's nothing personal. I know she's talented, went through a divorce, comes from the First Family of American Film, blah blah blah. I just don't like her. Not one bit. There's something so fake about her anorexic-little-girl-lost-in-a-Marc-Jacobs-loose-fitting-retro-dress-that-she-didn't-have-to-pay-for thing she works all the time. Bleh. And I'm sorry. I liked Bill Murray in "Lost in Translation"--I'm not MADE OF STONE, after all--but I think that movie was pretty overrated. There was far too much Scarlett "Letter" Johanssen staring out of windows while dreamy pretentious pop played in the background, and not nearly enough Bill Murray-interacting-with-the-Japanese. Althouh, having said all that, I admit that I AM intrigued by the Coppola Vinyards' Sofia sparkling-white-wine-in-a-can that comes in a cute little pink four-pack. But I digress...

Just what in holy hell was Usher even DOING at the Golden Globes? Can ANYONE answer me that? Huh?

Now onto my favorite gossip standby, the "blind item." Page six has a real juicy one today:


Which big-name Hollywood actor has fallen back into his druggie ways? The matinee idol, whose career has taken a nose dive, is consoling himself with controlled substances. His hot new gal pal shares his narcotic interests?"

Now, I am just a humble blogette, but it seems pretty likely that this coy question could only have one answer: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Am I wrong? Who else COULD it be? Although I had only ever heard that Ben was a drunkard, not a druggie, but whatever. I still think that's who it is. And it would explain Jennifer's "muscle aches" or "exhaustion" or whatever it was she was hospitalized for recently...

And, finally, this last item is a little creepy, so if you're eating lunch, you might want to put down your sandwich and thank the Lord Almighty that you're not eating Chinese:

"Muscle-band lady wrestler Chyna Doll is making a meal out of supermodel Marcus 'The Swedish Meatball' Schenkenberg.

The B-list duo, who met while filming VH1's 'The Surreal Life' were seen locking lips at Scores West in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

'They were kissing and caressing each other,' shudders our spy. Even more unsettling was when hulking Chyna jumped onstage and performed a nude striptease.

'She asked to go onstage and the manager said, "No thank you," ' relates our spy. 'But eventually he let her, in the spirit of good fun. She was topless, but after she went bottomless, they told her she had to stop.'

Schenkenberg, who has romanced several of the topless temple's lovely dancers, left with his new squeeze shortly after 4 a.m.

'It's like "Beauty and the Beast," ' sniffed one of Schenkenberg's stripper conquests, who was aghast at the hookup.

Earlier that night, Chyna got buck-naked and jumped into the fish tank at Coral Room as Schenkenberg filmed her with a video phone.

Let's hope the male supermodel doesn't upset his bulging-biceped belle — Chyna was arrested recently for beating up her ex-boyfriend, Sean Waltman."

Is there even the remotest chance in hell that this "romance" is anything but a cheap, tawdry, desperate attempt to get their own spin-off reality show, a la "Strange Love" with Brigitte Neilssen and Flava Flav? Do I give a rat's ass? The anwswer: NO. I think it's in poor taste, however, that Page Six makes such disparaging comments about the Wrestler Formerly Known As Chynna's appearance. Accurate, yes. In good taste, no. She is still a lady! A freakish, talentless, muscle-bound, plastic-surgery-nightmare lady. But a lady just the same! When did she change her name to "Chyna Doll," anyway? Ah, well. A rose by any other name, etc., etc...

Despite, or perhaps because of, that lapse in taste, I say: Thanks Page Six! Well-played, sirs. Well-played. Kudos!

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