Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Jude Law has taken leave of his senses and proposed marriage to his obviously nutty stalker/girlfriend Sienna Miller. Since his first marriage to obviously nutty stalker/ex-wife Sadie Frost went so well, why NOT give holy, sacred matrimony another go-around, eh? Sienna Miller is so much younger than him that she was a FAN of his with pictures of him ON HER WALL when she was growing up, and now she is marrying him. It is every silly girl's dream come true! At hearing the news, millions of not-very-beautiful, normal women everywhere are weeping now that the prospect of Jude Law coming into their lives SOMEHOW and sweeping them off their chubby feet has become just that much dimmer. Yeah, right. Get real, ladies! As if! Although he is not to your humble Felt Up blogette's taste (too pretty!), she does feel your pain. When Clive Owen or Javier Bardem settles down, there will be a veil of tears at Felt Up, let me tell you. Because, you know, it IS possible that one of them might show up in line at the grocery store, and our eyes would meet over my groceries (bottle of shiraz, Lean Cuisine and InTouch magazine) and somehow my lank, unwashed hair, elastic-waist pants, and matronly upper arms would charm them, and magic would ensue...it could TOTALLY happen! But I digress.

In other non-news, Ms. Britney Spears has decided that her true talents do not lie in being a trashy pop tartlet, Cheeto/Red Bull consumer, and wife of a dancing yokel, but rather in LE FILM, specifically as an AUTEUR. Check out this rather chilling headline from WENN:

"Spears Turns To Directing"

BRACE YOURSELF, PEOPLE:

"Britney Spears has ventured behind the camera to co-direct her first pop video - in preparation for her assault on Hollywood.

The "Toxic" beauty put her directorial skills into practice when she helped create the promo for her tune "Do Something" in New York last month. And Spears hopes the video will show studio heads she has the talent to score success as a movie-maker - especially since she's already devoting much of her spare time to writing scripts for big screen musicals.

She says, 'I made a cute video for 'Do Something.' We shot the entire thing in a record-breaking five hours. I even came up with all the choreography and styled the entire shoot myself. I've been working on writing and hopefully directing a musical that makes fun of Hollywood.'"

WOW. I am too stunned to have a pithy remark at the ready. Let me take a moment to compose myself...

....OK, I'm back. Uh, I hate to keep harping on the Portents of Armageddon, but isn't "Britney Spears Writes and Directs a Musical That Makes Fun of Hollywood" right there in the Book of Revelations, just before the Lake of Fire Shall Engulf the Earth? How many more signs do we need before we realize that the End of Man is Upon Us? HOW MANY?

I am totally turning into one of those people who walk up and down the sidewalk with a sandwich board that says "THE END IS NIGH," aren't I? Maybe I AM crazy--crazy like a FOX that is. We shall see. WE SHALL SEE!

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