Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I have been asked by a loyal Felt Up reader to self-impose a moratorium on anything having to do with Paris "P-Hole" Hilton. I agree with this concerned citizen that P-Hole's inanity, talentlessness, crassness, and ability to annoy knows no bounds. She must be stopped, and we must all do our part. It takes a village, people! And so I, your humble Felt Up blogette, do solemnly promise to not mention She Who Must Not Be Named ever again...or at least until she does something REALLY RIDICULOUS. Stay tuned to see how long I can keep my sacred vow..

Wow! I feel cleaner already! OK, first up we have a little tidbit from Page Six about everyone's favorite wacked-out, rude, irresponsible, spoiled-brat model from "Project Runway":

"Morgan Quinn, the naughty Next mannequin who is wreaking havoc on Bravo's 'Project Runway,' snarled a shoot for Carlisle clothing last week.

Our source says that an hour after she was supposed to be there, the flighty Quinn called from her cellphone to say her cab had been struck by another car.

The blond bombshell later walked off the set in tears, saying she'd suffered a concussion in the accident and felt 'dizzy.'

Not only did Quinn lose her $8,000 payday, but Carlisle has slapped her with a $2,000 cancellation fee, Quinn says.

'I'm not Naomi Campbell, you know,' she tearfully told PAGE SIX. 'I've had people say they don't wanna work with me after watching the show. It has hurt me. If it was a real job, I would have taken it more seriously — but it was a reality show about people who had three hours to make dresses!'

While Quinn's kooky behavior made for some of the show's most memorable moments, it's worth noting that 'Runway' designers kept picking her to model their clothes because of her undeniable catwalk skills."

Yes, and it's ALSO worth noting, Ms. Quinn, that the reason you lost your payday and had to cough up the cancellation fee is BECAUSE YOU CANCELLED! And yes, you are right, you are definitely NOT Naomi Campbell--until you start beating your underlings with a cellphone, you shall never be in Ms. Campbell's league. I bet you don't even HAVE any underlings, do you? Harrumph.

I admit, though, that those designers on the show put up with her b.s. over and over again because of her runway prowess. Now if she would just shut the hell up and stop whining about how hard it is to be an $8,000-per-day blonde skinny young tv star/model, well...that would be just peachy.

Page Six also has a juicy item about nutty nutball "actress/model" Bijou Phillips, with a nice little headline to boot:

"BIJOU GOES BONKERS"

"Hollywood hellcat Bijou Phillips nearly lost one of her nine lives after a run-in with Michelle Rodriguez, the Jersey City-bred toughie who showed off her boxing skills in the 2000 indie flick 'Girlfight.'

Phillips, who was hanging out with XXXXX and Nicky Hilton, spit on Rodriguez's friend, Francesca, outside Kevin Mazur's photo studio on Saturday night.

'Bijou I guess had lost a boyfriend to her, and so she spat on my friend,' Rodriguez told PAGE SIX yesterday.

Phillips managed to get away from Rodriguez immediately after the incident, but the two-fisted 'Blue Crush' babe caught up with her later that night.

'I told her to lay off my friend because that is some childish [bleep] and if she wanted to be childish, I could urinate on her,' Rodriguez said.

'If she would have spit on me, I would have hurt her, believe me. I came here to meet directors — I didn't come her to deal with these childish little girls.'

Earlier, a bonkers Bijou burst into the Kiehl's lounge yelling, 'An ax murderer is trying to kill me!'"

I found this all rather confusing, as I do most things having to do with Bijou Phillips. Did she think Michelle Rodriguez was an axe murderer? Or was there another person who relished the idea of hacking her up into tiny pieces? God knows there's a lot of us out there. Hmmm.

But seriously, Bijou, honey, let me tell you something straight up: Don't mess with Michelle Rodriguez. She is a scrappy Latina from NYC and she will CUT YOU. No ifs, and or buts. Actually, first, she will urinate on you, and THEN she will cut you. Yes, yes, Bijou, you're right, you DO have the crazy on your side, but trust me: This will all end in tears. YOURS. Watch your back.

In other non-news, WENN reports that J. "Don't Call Me J.Lo" Lo is having some wee problems finishing her album, due to utter lack of talent:

"Latina superstar Jennifer Lopez is reportedly struggling to complete her fourth original studio album Rebirth in time for its March release date.

American network Fox News' correspondent Roger Friedman reports the singer rejected footage for a DVD documentary after her new manager, film producer Simon Fields, approved it without her permission.

Fox sources say Lopez returned to the studio to re-shoot the video to be more 'flattering and less revealing of her limited vocal range'.

However, Lopez's producers have welcomed the input of her third husband Marc Anthony, an experienced songwriter and singer."

Heh. Yes, that's going to be a little difficult, finding a way to cover up her complete inability to sing. Hmmm, let's see....Maybe they could call in some CGI special effects people from LucasFilms? A magical "voice" fairy? Pixar? A ringer, a la 'Singin' in the Rain"? God almighty? Yeah, good luck with THAT.

Now here's a headline to make a blogette giddy with glee:

"Dunst Responds to Gallo's 'Witch' Claims"

Although I was hoping this story had something to do with santeria ceremonies, Vincent Gallo as a voodoo high priest, and Kirsten Dunst making a deal with the devil, but this will have to do:

"Hollywood star Kirsten Dunst has slammed film-maker Vincent Gallo's cruel remarks about her, after he attacked her for pulling out of his controversial flop film The Brown Bunny.

The Spider-Man actress was set to play Daisy opposite Gallo in the 2004 drama and decided against the role at the last minute, leaving Gallo's ex-girlfriend Chloe Sevigny to take her place and infamously perform oral sex on Gallo in the film.

Last week Gallo told American newspaper New York Post, 'I called her and told her that I was displeased that she had abandoned me on the day she was supposed to film. She became another person. She was a cold, curt, nasty little witch of a brat on the phone.'

Dunst's agent has slammed Gallo's comments, claiming the actress quit the production after she realized it didn't conform to Screen Actors Guild (SAG) guidelines."

Sure, sure, ole Vinnnie just called her up all friendly-like and said, "I am displeased." Nice and polite as could be. End of story. And really, what kind of evil witch would NOT want to throw her career down the drain by performing oral sex on an auteur of Vincent Gallo's magnitude? She sounds kinda crazy if you ask me...And also: HOW IN GOD'S NAME DID I MISS THIS QUOTE IN PAGE SIX? If you all never trust me again to serve up your trashy celeb news--free of charge and full of witty, brilliant insight--I will TOTALLY understand. I bring shame upon the House of Felt Up. Great dishonor and shame!

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