Friday, January 21, 2005

Here's a heartwarming headline from WENN:

"Ozzy Not Dead"

WHEW! That was a close one. The Internets have been ablaze with reports of Ozzy Osbourne's demise--reports which, apparently, were greatly exaggerated:

"The rocker's publicists have been inundated with calls since early Thursday morning following reports that the Black Sabbath frontman had died.

Top aide Jay Morose says, 'I don't normally pay these things any attention, but I got so many calls I felt I had to check. I can assure you Ozzy's fine and these rumors are not true.'

The reports arose after Ozzy and his wife Sharon missed a scheduled appearance on last Thursday's The Tonight Show - and Arnold Schwarzenegger had to fill in for them at the last minute.

Morose adds, 'I'm still not sure what happened with that. All I know is they were booked and didn't make it to the show.'

Ozzy is currently holed up in Britain recording an all-star tsunami aid benefit single with daughter Kelly, Rod Stewart and Sir Elton John among others."

How awesome is it that the dude's name is 'Morose?' As my mom would say, that should be MY name! And how NOT awesome is that tsunami single going to be? Haven't those people been through enough without a Kelly Osbourne/Rod Stewart singalong?

WENN also reports that Bill Cosby is being accused by a Canadian lady of slipping her a mickey finn and then having his sordid way with her (I love using old-timey expressions! How often do you get to use "mickey finn" in this day and age? Answer: NOT OFTEN ENOUGH):

"Funnyman Bill Cosby is at the middle of a shocking new assault scandal after an unnamed Canadian woman claimed he had sex with her at his Cheltenham Township home near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

The anonymous woman alleges Cosby invited her back to his home after meeting her at a local restaurant and gave her pills that made her dizzy after she complained of stress and tension.

She admits her memory about what happened next on the night last January is fuzzy but she recalls Cosby allegedly touching her breast and placing her hand on his genitals.

In a complaint made to Toronto Police, which has been passed to Philadelphia authorities to investigate, the woman claims she awoke at about 4am the following morning with her clothing in disarray and her bra undone."

That is so untrue! How can people get away with these outrageous lies? Bill Cosby is NOT A FUNNYMAN!

The sex stuff, well, yeah, I can believe that. We shall see.

This last WENN item is old, haggard news, and I am about as sick of Paris "P-Hole" Hilton as is humanly possible (she's even on the cover of Jane this month, befouling my mailbox and talking about how she's made Hilton Hotels "cooler"--BLECH! SHE MAKES ME SICK!!), but if I don't put this up someone will just email me and demand it, so here. Here's your damn Paris Hilton story! I hope your happy, o cruel publique!

"Socialite Paris Hilton is to face charges of theft and vandalism after allegedly stealing a copy of her One Night In Paris DVD from a Los Angeles newsstand last month.

Images from the newsagents' surveillance camera have already appeared in US tabloids and seem to clearly show the Simple Life star reaching out for a copy of the X-rated DVD and then putting it in her bag.

And now, according to scandal show Celebrity Justice, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is getting involved.

Swing News newsstand employee Jerry Castro, who was on duty when Hilton paid him a visit, claims the socialite was in great spirits until she saw her DVD was on sale.

Castro says, 'As soon as she saw that we were selling her videos and we had her on display she was livid. She was using profanity to the ultimate. She threw her eighty cents change at me and took the video and said, "I'm taking this and I'm not buying it."'

The surveillance video seems to back up Castro's claims that Paris not only took the DVD but also tried to rip a poster advertising it.

The LA County Sheriff's Department now plans to refer the case to the Beverly Hills district attorney's office, recommending the hotel heiress be charged with petty theft and vandalism."

You know what makes me the maddest about this story? The fact that I actually have a shred of sympathy for that hideous, soulless aberration of a human being. If it was me, and Lord knows there is a HUGE market out there for "One Night in Felt Up: The Blogette," I might have done the same. And is it really absolutely necessary to get the sheriff and DA involved? It's all pretty absurd. Even though I am convinced no jury would convict her, I must admit that the possiblitly of P-Hole having to spend a night or two in jail fills me with glee. But I would prefer her to be charged with crimes against good taste--nay, perhaps even humanity--rather than petty theft and vandalism...Oh, God, what is HAPPENING TO ME? What have I become? WHO AM I?

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