Friday, January 07, 2005

Here's a fun headline from Page Six:


"POP STAR DODGES A MATTRESS"

Although I have to take issue with the over-zealous use of the description "pop star," since it refers to one Aaron Carter. As I am not a 'tween, he is not known as any kind of star chez Felt Up, let me tell you. (I KNEW Roger Taylor, Roger Taylor was an idol of mine, and you, sir, ARE NO ROGER TAYLOR.) If he's known for ANYTHING, besides being the cause of the Great Lohan/Duff Feud of The Early Millenium, it's for being Nick "Paris Beater" Carter's younger, gayer-looking brother.

"Aaron Carter dodged a flying mattress early yesterday morning — causing the teen singer to issue a press release saying he had a "near fatal car crash" in Pompano Beach.

Carter and his unidentified 'girlfriend' [my quotes] were driving on the Florida Turnpike when the bed flew off a truck in front of him.

According to the release, Carter was 'unable to avoid the object, [so] Aaron drove his Cadillac Escalade over the mattress, which caused the underneath of his car to ignite.'

Flames 'engulfed' the car, but Carter and his 'date' [my quotes] escaped with just bruises.

Carter, who is still feuding with his mother and has yet to call her about the accident, mysteriously issued this statement: 'I am so lucky to be alive right now. I can't believe I survived another near-death experience — I feel like I am a cat and I only have five lives left! . . . Also, the support of my father, lawyer and friends are really helping me to stay positive.' He did not elaborate on his other 'near-death' experiences."

What in the name of Allah is he babbling about? Is he mentally challenged? Did the accident give him a concussion? Do I care? No, but oooh, I do love a freaky family! Here's Aaron's dear, sweet mommie's mug shot, after being arrested for aggravated assault.

I also love a MYSTERY. What could lil' Aaron be referring to when hs speaks of having only five lives left? What are these vaguely sinister-sounding allusions to "another near-death experience?" Did his mom attack him with a broken bottle of Jim Beam one bright Christmas morn? Did Nick have a slightly-gay-seeming brotherly hissy-fit on his ass? Did Hillary Duff try to have him "terminated with extreme prejudice?" Did his dad force him and Nick have a gruelling "sing off" that turned violent when Nick started to lose the respect of his father after he cried like a little girl, begging, "please don't make me sing no more ballads, daddy, PLEASE"? WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FAMILY? When a son thanks his lawyer for helping him to "stay positive," you know we can expect GREAT THINGS for 2005 from these yahoos. Yay Florida! You produce so many trashy backwoods weirdos, and we love you for it...STAY TUNED.

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