Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Caption Contest!

Special thanks to Friend of Felt Up Richard M. for sending in this picture of Ricky Martin shaking his bon-bon with his totally un-gay "friend" while on vacation. Not that there's anything wrong with that:


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(via dlisted)

Leave your captions in the comments box. Good luck!

PS
Here's another photo from the same series for your viewing pleasure. Caption either one or both, I don't care!

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Is Eva A Self-Loathing "Mexican"?

Eva Longoria has been taken to task for allegedly calling an Hispanic policeman in San Antonio "a Mexican bike cop," which she says is totally untrue, as she would never say such a thing, being "Mexican" herself--not to mention an avid cycling enthusiast.

The whole enchilada was reported in today's New York Daily News:
"Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria morphed into an obnoxious girlfriend when a Texas traffic cop ticketed her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, police said.

The officer who confronted sexy Longoria and San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker said the naughty lady of Wisteria Lane called him "a Mexican bike cop" and hurled an expletive at him as well.

The pint-size hottie denies saying anything wrong.

The fireworks started when the officer, who was on a bike, spotted Parker blocking traffic on a San Antonio street and rapped the hood of his car with his hand.

The ticked-off Parker gave the cop lip about touching his wheels and then he and Longoria, 30, "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," a police official said.

Cops say Parker, 23, then started to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby.

After being ordered to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said. He got two tickets.

The star guard for the defending NBA champions was born in Belgium and raised in France.

The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: " 'This is all the cops do, just mess with people,' " and that Longoria shouted from the car: " 'He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph.' "

Through her publicist, Longoria said, "The police report is highly inaccurate, defamatory, false and fraudulent."

"I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as I am a Mexican myself," she fumed.

Wow. I had no idea Tony Parker was just 23! How old is Eva, like 45? 50? Awesome!

I think it's funny that the whole debacle happened because Tony didn't want a peon touching his fancy car. Even a peon who happened to be Johnny Law. (Or should I say, Juanny Ley? Oh, God, I'm going straight down the crapper. Just ignore me. It's the holiday malaise talking!) Also, I love that Tony still only carries his French driving license. C'est tres chic, n'est pas?

As to the issue at hand, it's hard to figure out what ole lady Eva actually said, though. Is she really dumb enough to hurl racial epithets at a fellow Latino in San Antonio, of all places? She is a fiery Chicana spitfire, though, so who knows? Ay, ay, ay!

Of course the question on a nation's lips is: How will this ugly incident affect Eva's animated movie debut as the love intersest of one our most beloved cartoon characters?

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"Speedy G.: Full Throttle" is set for a summer 2006 release. Stay tuned!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Winnah(s)--It's A Three-Way!

No, not a three-way between Santa and his 'hos (although I'm sure that did, indeed, go down--as it were), but the captions were especially spectacular this time around. One entry was even in the form of a poem! It's a Christmukkah miracle!

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(via a socialite's life)

Twas the night before Christmas and through the doors of the party,
walked Paris and Nicky, just ten minutes tardy.
"Oh Santa, take a picture please!"
"Oh no," thought Santa,"I don't want to be seen with that sleaze."
Someone grabbed a camera and yelled, "Say cheese!"
And now Santa has a venereal disease. (anonymous)

Santa couldnt fit these two bags in his sled (erica)

Due to a fatal spelling error, the Hilton sisters signed away their souls to
Santa rather than Satan for another 27 minutes of fame. (porkmuffin)


Happy nondenominational holiday of your choice, Felt Up army. God bless us, every one!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Newsflash! Madonna Is a Miserable Cow

Elton John, who just got legally married to longtime boyfriend David Furnish in England, where they are obviously much more civilized about these things, had some choice words to say about former friend Madonna the night before the nuptials took place, according to MSNBC's Scoop column:
At a cabaret “hen night” the evening before, John called the event “one of the greatest things in my life,” though he took pains to complain that Madonna had been approached about the performing at the event. “Madonna, the miserable cow, wouldn’t do it,” he said. “David asked her three times.”

Former pals Madonna and Elton John had a very public falling out after John accused her of lip synching at concerts. “I'm sure he said it with great affection,” Madonna's spokeswoman told the Scoop. “Madonna wishes Elton and David all the best, I'm sure. She's on holiday with her family.”

I loooooooove that Elton John never seems to have anything nice to say anytime about anyone, but isn't he just stating the obvious? Madonna has been a miserable cow for going on a decade, now. Believe it or not, he somehow managed to have a festive wedding without Her Madgesty's Kabbalah-quoting faux-English accent in attendance. Page Six reported today that "Bryan Adams and the Scissor Sisters performed for the likes of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Elizabeth Hurley and Kid Rock."

The Scissor Sisters at a big fat gay wedding? Check! Liz Hurley? Gag, barf, and check! Sharon and Ozzy will show up at a door opening, so that's too be expected. But Kid Rock? Bryan Adams? They seem somewhat out of place. Whatever. Who am I to second-guess a blushing bride's fairy tale nuptials?

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Mozel tov, you crazy kids!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Blind Items From Across the Pond!

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From British gossipmongers Popbitch:

1.) Which Hollywood superstar's new relationship seems entirely to be conducted in the full glare of the media? Maybe it's because her funnyman beau prefers men?

2.) Who is Kate Moss going to hook up with
next? Well, just before she fell for Doherty she had sex with a cartoonish indie singer in the toilet of a house party.

3.) Which former teen-band idol copped off at a gay sauna last week with a rather cute rent boy?

Am I tramautized by the season finale of "Nip/Tuck," or do these seem kind of difficult? Is it possible the first one refers to the the actress whose name sounds like Bennifer Canniston, and her boyfriend Mince Maughn? The second one could be a singer whose name rhymes with Shame-On Mallturn, from the band whose name sounds like Furillaz?

Any guesses, people? Leave them in the comments box! I need answers!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nip/Tuck Carver Spoiler

Warning, warning, blah blah spoiler blah blah blah. Cut to the chase: The "Nip/Tuck" season finale was on tonight, and it was revealed that The Carver is Latin doctor/swinger Quentin...AND Kit, the incredibly inept English bisexual detective, who turned out to be Quentin's sister! They were working together! Oh, and Quentin was born without a penis! He used a strap-on for the rapes! And Kit was born with a deformed face, and apparently is not actually English! (We already knew she was no detective!) And they totally get off scot free, carving their little hearts out at a sunny resort!

Also, the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt helps the trannie he beat to a pulp get a new face from Sean, but also inadertently leads his crazy white supremacist ex-girlfriend and her Nazi dad to kidnap the trannie and force Matt to cut off his/her johnson and then bury him/her alive, but luckily Matt confronts the gun-wielding Nazi, giving the trannie enough time to rise from his/her grave and smash the Nazi with a shovel. I bet that poor trannie rues the day he/she ever met creepy Matt, let me tell you! Rues!

There is also something wrong with Sean and Julia's baby, but she's not telling Sean and we don't know what it is! Down's Syndrome? Deformity? Fetal alcohol syndrome? Big nose? We won't find out until next year!

The most horrific part of the show came when Christian's fiancee Kimber is found after being held captive by the Carver(s), who "undid"--without anesthesia--all ten of the plastic surgery procedures she'd had done over the years, including the removal of her breast implants, the injection of chicken fat into her tummy, and blowtorching her face to simulate sun damage. Really sick, grotesque stuff. I had to have Terri R. watch and tell me what happened for most of the two-episode finale, because I'm too sensitive a soul for this kind of horror show.

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I can't wait 'till next season!

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

This time, Felt Up gives you little yule-tide spirit, whether you want it or not. Behold the Hilton Sisters, with a dear old friend of the family:

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(via a socialite's life)

Leave your festive captions in the comments box, as per usual. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Baby, watch the ZIPPER!(LB)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Another Reason To Carry On

Just got word (thanks for the tip Terri R.!) that the next season of "Dancing With The Stars" will feature George Hamilton! Huzzah! From WENN:
Tatum O'Neal, George Hamilton and Tia Carrere are among the celebrities who have signed up to compete in the second season of the hit US reality show Dancing With The Stars.

The stars will be paired with professional ballroom dancers on the series, in which one couple gets eliminated each week until the winning pair is found.

Actress Lisa Rinna, teen rapper Romeo and Nick Lachey's brother Drew Lachey will also be competing on the show, which begins airing in the US on January 5.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is going to be so incredibly awesome! I predict that Lisa Rinna will have her bony ass kicked by cold-blooded tango fiend Tatum O'Neil, and that Drew Lachey will weep like a leetle girl at the superior paso doble of George Hamilton. Wheeee! I can't wait!

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Felt Up is Feeling Down

Sorry for the lack of posts, o loyal readers, but your humble Felt Up blogette is under the weather.

I did, however, hear that boozy babehound Colin Farrell has checked into rehab for addiction to prescription pain-killers (what's so wrong about that?) and that Madonna is still insufferable.

Discuss amongst yourselves, and I'll be back as soon as I can!

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Friday, December 09, 2005

Damon: The Omen II

If getting up is Hollywood's number one pastime these days, a close second is getting knocked up. One of WENN's headlines today is, rather hilariously:
Damon's Fiancee Barroso "Pregnant"

Well, is she or isn't she? Apparently she is:
Hollywood actor Matt Damon and his fiancee Luciana Barroso are expecting their first child together.

Barroso, who Damon proposed to shortly before America's Labor Day holiday, is three months pregnant, according to US TV show Access Hollywood.

The child will be Damon's first - Barroso has a six-year-old daughter, Alexa, from a previous relationship.

Poor Luciana. If she has a boy or girl, it doesn't matter: The child will no doubt be a dead-ringer for Hilary Swank...

Matt:
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Hilary:
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Both of whom are, I'm sad to say, prettier than the future Mrs. Damon:

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Did I just say that?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The End of Camelot

I suppose we'll all remember where we were when we first heard the news:
CNN is reporting that Nicole "Don't Call It An Eating Disorder" Richie and her fiance, Adam "Gastric Bypass" Goldstein (aka DJ AM) have broken up:
Nicole Richie and her fiance, Adam Goldstein, have called off their nine-month engagement.

Richie's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, confirmed to The Associated Press on Wednesday that the couple have split. She said the breakup had been in the works for several days, but would not give any further details.

Yes, it's the end of an era. I'm sure that hose nine months of the Goldstein/Richie engagement are going to be looked upon by future generations as a golden era of Hollywood romance, extreme dieting, and public relations mastery. Another Camelot has come to its tragic end...

Man, what is going on with Hollywood's Golden Couples? First Mary-Kate and Paris Latsis, then Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis, then Nick-n-Jess, then Kim "Jen Aniston is Homely" Stewart and that Talan dude from "Laguna Beach," then Christina Applegate and Jonathan Shaech, and now Nicole and DJ AM! And that's just the D-List! And thhat's not even counting the A-List break-up of Jen-n-Brad, the B-List marriage collapse of Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, or the C-List divorce of Tori Spelling and whoever that guy was that she married! It's like an epidemic!

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A glorious, wondrous epidemic!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What Happens In Vegas...Oh, I Can't. I'm Sick To Death of That Slogan.

Today's lead Page Six story is all about the extra-sleazy goings-on of Mr. Brandon "The Oily-Haired Oil Heir" Davis, and his trials and tribulations as a compulsive gambler:
HOLLYWOOD party monster Brandon Davis is said to have exacted vengeance on the Hard Rock Hotel/Casino by winning $100,000 playing blackjack and craps at the Las Vegas playpen last weekend.

Davis, the former Mischa Barton boy toy and grandson of late Beverly Hills billionaire Marvin Davis, was banned from the Hard Rock back in 2002 after he blew through a $150,000 credit line and didn't pay his gambling debt fast enough.

Harry Morton, the son of Hard Rock owner Peter Morton and a childhood friend of Brandon, allegedly arranged for the credit line after Brandon turned 21.

But when Brandon didn't pay up, he and Harry stopped speaking to each other, and the resulting family feud froze relations between the Davises and the Mortons.

Marvin Davis, the oil magnate who once owned 20th Century Fox, used to eat every night with his wife, Barbara, at Mortons, the L.A. power-dining spot owned by the Morton family. But the Davises took their business elsewhere after the Mortons started dunning them over Brandon's bad debt.


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I'm tellin' ya, thar's OIL in them hairs!


OK, so far, so bad. Are we really supposed to feel sorry for lil' Brandon because he couldn't pay back a $150,000 line of credit to a casino? A line of credit that was a personal favor from an old friend? But wait, just when you thought it couldn't get any tackier:
Tom Arnold, who was Brandon's sobriety coach, told PAGE SIX after he was banned from the casino: "He's really turned his life around. This was a nasty thing for Peter Morton to do to him. Brandon sold everything he owned to pay this debt back."

But Brandon was back in Vegas last weekend partying with "Girls Gone Wild" guru Joe Francis, who was in town to catch the Jermain Taylor/Bernard Hopkins middleweight championship fight on Saturday night. Francis — who was luxuriating at his mansion in Mexico yesterday and could not be reached — apparently booked the $10,000-a-night "Real World" penthouse suite at the Palms Hotel/Casino.

It's unclear whether the ban on Davis was lifted or whether he got around it. But a Hard Rock spokeswoman tried to cast doubt on whether he actually made that supposed six-figure score.

"The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino has a policy of not commenting on its customers winning or losing money," she said. "However, with Mr. Davis, there is usually a disparity between reality and rhetoric."

Good God, man! Tom Arnold, Joe Francis--is there no end to your depravity? It's all so...so...sordid, not to mention icky ick. And if you are, indeed a billionaire, why did you have to sell everything you own to pay back $150,000?

And the burning question on a nation's lips: What in the name of all things holy did Mischa "I'm Acting As Fast As I Can--No Make That As Slowly As I Can" Barton ever see in you? And why is she now dating Kim "Jen Aniston Is Homely" Stewart's sloppy seconds, Cisco "I Never Met A Headband I Didn't Like" Adler?

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Cisco, his headband, and his lady.

I think the United Nations should immmediately set up a fact-finding commission to get to the bottom of these questions, once and for all!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Trouble in Federdise

More marital woes for Britney Spears and K-Fed. Page Six reports today that Brit wants to "punish" her husband for...well, for being her husband:
THINGS seem to be going from bad to worse in the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline marriage.

Spears, who kicked her under-employed, party-loving hubby out of her Malibu abode last week, is now said to be "furious" with her man and "wants to punish him," according to a well-informed source.

A spy in Spears' camp told PAGE SIX, "She is trying to repossess the $200,000 Ferrari she bought him. She is sick and tired of his partying ways and the constant flow of complete drug addicts coming in and out of her house."

The fight that led to Spears booting Federline from their home reportedly began over his having his "weedman" — or pot dealer — over to the house and hanging around their newborn son, Sean Preston.

After she kicked Federline out on Thursday, Spears went out dancing at Los Angeles hot spot LAX.

Federline, for his part, didn't seem to mind the sudden freedom. He spent the weekend partying with pals in Las Vegas — presumably on Spears' dime.

According to our sources, Federline and "an entourage" danced away until 4:30 a.m. at Tao while Mike Tyson and Joy Bryant looked on.

A friend of Federline said, "The problem is Britney's mom [Lynne Spears]. She hates Kevin. Since the day Britney had the baby, she has not left Britney's side. She moved into the hospital during the birth, and when Britney left the hospital, the mother moved into the house.

"[Lynne] insists on doing everything for the baby," our source continued. "She feeds it, she cleans it, she bathes it, and she won't let Kevin touch him...

"Kevin can't leave Britney because she's got all the money, but it's awful. Her mom hates him, and she won't get out of the house. The mom and everyone around Britney is telling her to get rid of Kevin. Kevin isn't going anywhere — Britney is picking up the bills."

Oh, boo-hoo, Kevin. Stop complaining! If I were Britney's mother I wouldn't let you hold the baby either! Or dance near it or do your lil' "raps" within earshot or anything! I would have had you killed long ago! You're just very lucky they haven't figured out how to freeze your bank account, or how to have you offed in a freak white-boy corn-row "accident"!

I wish I could feel more sorry for you, Britney--I want to! I really do!--but I just feel you are getting what you paid for. For some unknown reason you thought this yokel would be an ideal husband and father--exposed underpants, droopy britches, and trucker hats are a pretty good indication to the contrary, my dear; also, the fact that his girlfriend was pregnant with his second child when you met--and now you are finally figuring out that you should have listened to your mama and shot a blow-dart into Cameron Diaz' neck and waited for Justin T. to come back where he belongs, in your matronly upper arms.

Actually, that plan is still valid. Just get rid of K-Fed, and pronto! It's not too late! Looky, you can wear a cute costume and everything:

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Good luck!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post. (By the way, excellent job, people! It was a hard decision to make, but that's why they pay me the big bucks.) Anywho, your new challenge is to caption this photo of Mr. Orlando Bloom:

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You know the drill: Leave captions in comments box and then sweat it out while I take my own sweeeeeeeet time picking a winner. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Monkey: "I don't know, either... it started as a pimple on my ass." (Bill Henry)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over

We'll all remember where we were when we heard the news that, lo, on this day, a Garfleck was borne unto the world. From CNN:
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck welcomed a baby girl into the world Thursday.

Representatives for both actors confirmed the birth to The Associated Press. Their publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, said the child was born at 6:26 p.m. Thursday.

"Mother, father and baby are doing great," Sunshine and King confirmed. They would not give any other details.

It is the first child for Garner, 33, and Affleck, 33, who were married in June.

The confirmation came after several media outlets reported the baby's birth -- hours before the time of birth supplied by Sunshine and King. Us Weekly reported the baby was born Wednesday night, and E! News said the couple had named her Violet.

As Friend of Felt Up Michele S. so rightly pointed out, "With such a lengthy gestation, you'd think it'd arrive on the scene ready to enroll in prep school!" Yes, it did seem as though Jennifer Garner was pregnant for several years. It's just too bad the baby was not a boy, because I could've weaved in some kind of reference to Will Farrell's sketch on "Saturday Night Live" in which he emerges as a 37-year-old man from Rachel Dratch's womb. Oh, wait, I just did.

Shrinky Dinks

Jeannette Walls is reporting in her Scoop column that:
Britney Spears is reportedly looking to powers beyond to solve her marital woes. She’s said to have consulted a psychic.

The singer sought help from the supernatural after her hubby, Kevin Federline, reportedly refused to see a therapist.

“She’s willing to have a third party arbitrate the problems,” a friend told the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly, but her spouse of 15 months allegedly refused, saying, “That’s for crazy people. If you want to see a shrink, go by yourself.”
Story continues below ↓ advertisement

So Brit went to the psychic. “She wants to know if Kevin will cheat, if they’ll have another child and if the marriage will last,” the pal said. Spears, who is said to be up for a role in Broadway’s “Sweet Charity,” also asked the psychic if it would be a good idea to find a role in the play for her hubby, according to the mag. The psychic said that would just mean more problems. Spears’ rep didn’t return calls for comment.

In happier news, Spears reportedly went on a shopping spree in ABC Carpet in Manhattan and dropped $30,000 at Michal Negrin’s jewelry shop there in less than a half an hour. “She was sweet and polite,” a store employee reported. “She just went in and out.”

Well, it does make sense for The Federlines; crazy people see shrinks, and trashy crazy people go to gypsy fortune-tellers on the side of the road.

Looky here, K-Fed even managed to find a psychic who looks like Brits:

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I wonder what else the happy couple asked her? I bet they went in separately, and perhaps it went somthing like this:

Britney: "Will Kevvie-Wevvie spend 'every last penny of my money,' like my momma keeps tellin' me? And how many pennies do I got, anyways?"

K-Fed: "How many Benjamins will my woman generate in the next five years? And could you tell me in a way I can understand, yo? Like, how many Ed Hardy trucker hats is that? Word."

Britney: "Do guys still think I'm hot? They do, don't they? Yeah, they do. You don't have to even answer that one, I already know." (nervous laugh)

K-Fed: "Will my wife ever be as hot as when we met? She's lost some baby weight, but damn! It ain't the same! She used to be as fine as the babes at Hooters, and now she's gone all Mommie McChub on me. Word."

Britney: "Are Justin and whatsername going to get married? Like, I wanna yell, 'Ha, ha! I win! Ya'll lose! I got married first! AND HAD A SWEET PRECIOUS BAAAAAAAAABY!' But then somethin' tells me they'd just laugh at me. I'm not sure why, exactly...."

K-Fed: "Are their any of them pavarottis outside this mobile home? I gots to be careful, they all be chasin' me around, tryin' to snap my picture and hear my rhymes before they drop. Word."

And so on.

Wendie Jo Sperber

Sad news today that actress Wendie Jo Sperber, best known for her work on "Bosom Buddies" and in "Back to the Future," has passed away after a long fight with breast cancer. According to WENN:
Actress Wendie Jo Sperber has lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 46.

Sperber shot to fame on TV opposite Tom Hanks in hit 1980s sitcom Bosom Buddies and also won critical acclaim for her roles in Private Benjamin and, more recently, Will & Grace.

She also starred in movies like Back To The Future and Sorority Boys.

Away from Hollywood, Sperber founded the weSpark Cancer Support Center in 2001.

Her Bosom Buddies co-star Hanks says, "The memory of Wendie Jo is that of a walking inspiration. She met the challenges of her illness with love, cheer, joy, altruism through weSpark, and an unstoppable supply of goodness. We are going to miss her as surely as we are all better for knowing her."

She is survived by her teenage children Preston and Pearl.

God, I loved "Bosom Buddies" when I was a wee lass, and Wendie Jo was a huge part of the success of that show (along with Peter Scolari, whom j'adore, and of course, Tom Hanks). Every time I catch a glimpse of Wendie Jo or Peter in a tv show or movie, I get really excited, and then a little sad at what might have been. They just didn't have the good luck that Hanks did. (To his credit, Tom Hanks tends to put Peter Scolari into bit parts in the movies he directs and always talks about how great an actor and comedian he is.)

Wendie Jo was really great in two of my favorite underrated movies, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "1941."

Along with Pat Morita, the loss of Wendie Jo Sperber is another blow to some of my beloved childhood pop culture memories.

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R.I.P.

PS
Thanks to Friend of Felt Up Terri R. for alerting me to the news. It takes a village to raise a blog...

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Creeeeeeepy!

Friend of Felt Up Michele S. thought this must be a hoax, but apparently Tom Cruise really did buy a sonogram machine to track the growth of the fruit of his turkey baster.

Uh, Tom, you are officially making my skin crawl.

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(via imao)

According to WENN:
Tom Cruise has been slammed for buying a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes, with health experts warning that he's putting his unborn child at risk.

Officials at the American College of Radiology (ACR) are highly concerned by Cruise's revelation that he purchased the device to track his child's progress, and they're warning him that he could be breaking the law if he's carrying out the scans himself.

Dr. Carol M. Rumack, of the ACR Ultrasound Commission, says, "This is a patient safety issue. Untrained people, even if they have the financial means, should not buy, or be allowed to buy and operate, ultrasound machines which are, in fact, medical devices and should not be used without a medical indication. Images of the fetus are an opportunity to diagnose problems before birth that may require treatment. These images should be obtained by certified technologists under the supervision of physicians properly trained in ultrasound...The ACR is concerned that Tom Cruise has been badly advised regarding the use and potential abuse of ultrasound. There are many abnormalities that may be missed by the untrained eye. Also, if it is not medically necessary, the use of ultrasound raises unnecessary physical risk to the fetus."

No word on the American College of Radiology's official position on the unauthorized use of an E-Meter on a fetus, however.

Luckily, they come in pink:

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And blue!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner(s) of last contest in previous post.

Today's challenge is to come up with something that captures the stupidity of Paris "P-Hole" Hilton cavorting with her new pet...monkey? Gremlin? Younger sibling? Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure, to paraphrase Walter Sobchak from "The Big Lebowski," that having an amphibious rodent inside city limits...without a permit...well, that ain't legal, either.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us (via hollywood rag)

Put your captions in the comments box, as is your wont. Good luck!

The Winnah(s)--It's A Tie!

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Tired of the press nipping at her heels, Britney Spears decides to nip herself in the bud. (porkmuffin)

Britney Spears' seeing-eye-breasts strangely lathargic. (deron bauman)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Herpin' For Certain

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It's time once again to guess which celebrity is being mentioned in today's Page Six blind item:
WHICH hard-partying hottie has herpes? The unlucky gal is notorious for calling her pharmacist and screaming that her Valtrex prescription be filled "Now! It's an emergency!" The pharmacist is sick of how she treats him and is telling other customers about her blistery problem . . .

Remember to put your guesses in the form of a rhyming name in the good ole comments box. For instance, I think the hottie in question might be someone whose name rhymes with Scara Peed. Any thoughts? Other guesses? Better rhymes? Let me have 'em!

PS
In the interest of full disclosure, I stole today's headline from Gil C. who definitely does not have herpes. This week, at least.

I keed, I keed!

Friday, November 25, 2005

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

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Sneaky minx Jessica Simpson and her errand boy Nick "I'll Never Be As Good As Daddy" Lachey announced their separation to close friends, family, and Us Weekly over the Thanksgiving holiday:
'After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways,' the couple tells Us in an exclusive joint statement. 'This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.'

Yeah, right. That's what Us does best, isn't it: Respect celebrities' privacy during difficult times? Ha! Nice try, Jess-n-Nick. Get ready for the dueling magazine covers: "JESS DROVE ME TO DRINK, OGLE STRIPPERS!" (Star) "JESSICA'S PAIN: NICK'S JEALOUSY OVER MY BOFFO CAREER KILLED OUR MARRIAGE!"(Us Weekly) "JESSICA FREE TO MARRY SVENGALI DAD" (National Enquirer, Felt Up).

I'm just glad our long national nightmare is finally over and I can go back to stuffing five gazillion turkey-cranberry-stufffing-n-Miracle Whip sandwiches down my piehole, the way God intended me to spend this weekend.

Now when in sweet holy Christ is Jennifer Garner going to pop that kid out?

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The Simpson/Lachey Holy, Sacred Wedded Matrimony: RIP.

Wax Off

Sad news: Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, best known for his work as "Mr. Miyagi" in The Karate Kid has died at the age of 73. According to CNN:
Morita died Thursday at his home in Las Vegas of natural causes, said his wife of 12 years, Evelyn. She said in a statement that her husband, who first rose to fame with a role on "Happy Days," had "dedicated his entire life to acting and comedy"...

Born in northern California on June 28, 1932, the son of migrant fruit pickers, Morita spent most of his early years in the hospital with spinal tuberculosis. He later recovered only to be sent to a Japanese-American internment camp in Arizona during World War II.

"One day I was an invalid," he recalled in a 1989 AP interview. "The next day I was public enemy No. 1 being escorted to an internment camp by an FBI agent wearing a piece"...

For years, Morita played small and sometimes demeaning roles in such films as "Thoroughly Modern Millie" and TV series such as "The Odd Couple" and "Green Acres." His first breakthrough came with "Happy Days," and he followed with his own brief series, "Mr. T and Tina."


I have always had a soft spot for Pat Morita, ever since he won my heart as that scamp "Arnold" on "Happy Days." And who couldn't love "Mr. Miyagi," I ask?
Who?

He had such a charming, intelligent persona. I didn't know he'd been in an interment camp. Sigh...

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R.I.P.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Beamania!

From the "Why Didn't I Win That Sweepstakes To Meet The Golden Girls?" file (sub-folder of the "Why Does God Hate Me?" file), as well as OpenAllNight.com, comes this report:
We’ve told you before how cultured New Yorkers are, regularly packing readings and signings by today’s leading authors, artists and thinkers. But even we were surprised at the crowd that turned out to get Betty White, Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan to sign the newly released DVD of season 3 of The Golden Girls, their iconic 1980s sitcom.

The lines in the Barnes & Noble bookstore in (where else?) Manhattan’s Chelsea neighborhood wound through the entire store and out the other end. Security was forced to lock the doors, so unlucky throngs of fans gathered on the sidewalks. Cheers, whistles and applause broke out as the ladies made their way through the crowd, arriving about 30 minutes late.

As things got underway, we all waited breathlessly when Betty White announced, “Now I’m going to do something really shocking”. Then, she put on her glasses.

At first we thought Bea Arthur was overcome with emotion at the outpouring of love, when she rummaged in her purse, pulled out a tissue, and put it to her face, but it seems she just had to blow her nose.

And you thought culture was dead.

I did! I totally thought culture--and Estelle Getty--were dead! Thank you for proving me wrong, Golden Girls! Where was Estelle, anyway? I think maybe she hasn't been well lately, which is a damn shame, because she rules.

Oh, so many memories...the lanais...St. Olaf...Stan...Big Daddy...the time Blanche's daughter got fat and her husband was abusive and Blanche stood up for her after years of strained relations...Shady Pines...the Elvis impersonators episode featuring a pre-famous Quentin Tarantino...cheese cake...oh, I could go on and on.

Need I remind you, loyal readers, that Christmas is just around the corner? Who wouldn't love to receive a handsome set of Season 3 "Golden Girls" DVDs, huh? Who?

Thank you for being a friend, indeed.

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The Girls are back in town!

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Beeeeeeeeeeeea! Oh. My. God. BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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Look at that crowd outside the book store.

Huzzah!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Give Thanks, And Rejoice!

From ContactMusic:
TOM CRUISE has rubbished claims his pregnant fiancee must give birth to their child in silence in accordance with their religion Scientology - she must only remain "quiet".

The Church Of Scientology founder L RON HUBBARD ruled followers must, "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."

But Cruise has attempted to appease outraged critics, by insisting the rules are flexible.

He tells US talk show host BARBARA WALTERS on her The 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005 show - which airs in the US next week (29NOV05), "Like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible. There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty.

"No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible. And whatever she's gonna go through, she's gonna go through. And I'm gonna be there."

Presented to you, dear readers, as a small reminder that although the world is cruel, and life is hard, you have at least one thing to be thankful for: YOU ARE NOT KATIE HOLMES!

Think about it whenever you pick up a turkey baster...

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

He Bang, He Bang

Oh, Ricky Martin. Today's NY Daily News has this wee item about the Latin Rick Astley:
Ricky Martin's sex life has long been the subject of speculation. But the loco-living singer offers a little too much information in the new issue of Blender.

Martin offers some icky details when he reveals he how he spices up bathtime. (Way too much information, Ricky.)

"I'm open to everything," Martin says. "There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt."

Asked about his last one-night stand, he says, "We met, we did it, we left. I don't know if we're going to meet again." What would an ex-lover say about him?

"That I'm the love of their life!" says Martin, who hedges his pronouns before becoming more gender-specific. "I'm the best man that they've ever had, a gentleman who treated them like a lady.

Hmmmm. A gentleman "who treated them like a lady" after "soft, gentle sex" and "a good spank in the butt." Now, we all know that English is not Ricky's first language, but "a good spank in the butt?" JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT, MARTIN! YOU'RE GAY! GAY, GAY, GAY! NONE MORE GAY!

And, of course, that's totally fine. It's the charade I despise, although I do realize his career in Latin (and non-Latin, for that matter) America could be ruined by admitting, as Austin Powers would say, that the "lady" was a man, man!

But does he even have a career at this point? Wasn't his last hit in like 1999 or something? All he seems to do is perform on "The Today Show." Maybe he should get his old Menudo buddies together and do a nostalgia tour, like Bobby Brown and New Edition did a while back. Then you could have all the "soft, gentle sex" in the bathtub that you want, Ricky!

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In other non-news, Christina Aguilera was finally wedded in holy, sacred matrimony to her decidedly un-cute fiance after a gazillion pre-parties, showers, bachelorette nights, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Here's a picture of her in her Christian Lacroix dress:

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Since Christina's betrothed is so u-g-l-y, I had assumed that he must be a really wonderful, sweet, kind person to sweep a star of Christina's caliber off her feet (even if she was in total skank mode at the time), but Rush & Molloy's "Daily Dish" column said today that:
You had to figure Christina Aguilera's nuptials would get a little "Dirrty."

We hear her betrothed, Jordan Bratman, made it clear at their Napa Valley wedding last weekend that he was more than qualified to satisfy the bride.

Guests at Friday's rehearsal dinner nearly choked on their sushi when Bratman raised his glass and thanked his parents for "my good looks and large [bleep]."

Jordan's brother and best man, Josh, and his father, Jack, both stood up and proudly corroborated the groom's endowment. Another bride might have wished that her future in-laws would speak a little less and hold their peace. But, whenever the subject of Jordan's manhood arose, "Christina would just smile and nod," a spy tells us.

Yep, that is straight class, all the way! Mazel tov, Mr. and Mrs. Bratman!

I give it five months, tops.

Now if Jennifer Garner would just have her Affleck baby already, maybe we will be able to move on with out lives! Hasn't she been pregnant for three years now?

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can

From the NY Daily News:
A hilarious video is doing the rounds that shows Cosmopolitan's legendary former editor, Helen Gurley Brown, in a dance audition for Ellen DeGeneres' show.

Apparently Brown, keen to plug her last book, had the short film made to convince Ellen to have her on the program to perform a "pas de deux" (that's a dance for two, for those of you who still haven't forgiven the French).

"She's wearing a leotard, and she's dancing to the best of Andrew Lloyd Webber," said a source who's seen the video. "She hired a Broadway choreographer to coordinate the number."

Brown, 83, high-kicks her way through the routine with a male dance companion. The video, which is about a year old, coincided with the publication of "Dear Pussycat," a collection of correspondence from her Cosmo days.

Inexplicably, the audition tape didn't land Brown a spot on the show.

Personally, I don't see what is so damn "hilarious" about a video of an elderly lady in a leotard dancing Broadway style. First of all, j'adore Helen Gurley Brown. The woman scraped off all her skin with Brillo pads to make her skin softer for her husband, people!

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Helen Gurley Brown! Huzzah!

Second of all, I, myself, have been known to occasionally don a Danskin and prance about Felt Up HQ doing jazz hands and ersatz tap dance routines to show tunes, although, rest assured, never Andrew Lloyd Webber. And sure, I may have videotaped my faux Fosse, my twee Twyla, my graceless Graham. And perhaps, I, too, thought it would gain me a spot on "Ellen," where I would talk about Felt Up: The Movie, which is in the works (in my mind). What of it?

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WHAT OF IT?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Sometimes You Eat The Bar Mitzvah, And Sometimes The Bar Mitzvah Eats You

Huzzah! Now this is more like it! Excitingly tawdry news has come in from Page Six, which reports that craaaaaaaazy ole Brittany "I'm Starving As Fast As I Can" Murphy was the sorry subject of one of Ted Casablancas' inscrutable blind items:
Brittany Murphy has been dropped by her manager, Joanne Collonna, and her agents at ICM.

Rumors abounded yesterday, but radar.com cited a nasty, not-so-blind item in Ted Casablancas' column on E!online, which claimed a "smacked out" actress named "Jordache Junky" (Murphy has recently starred in the Jordache jeans commercials) had sex with a waiter at an industry bar mitzvah.

A rep for Murphy, who has been helping her mother deal with cancer, said, "Brittany is making a transition in her representation and has parted ways amicably with Brillstein-Grey and ICM. Not the other way around. The blind item on E!online is not Brittany."


Here's the original blind item from Ted. WARNING: TED CASABLANCAS USES OLDEN-TIMEY GOSSIP-SPEAK MIXED WITH AGGRESIVELY SNARKY/GAY LINGO THAT MAY CAUSE YOUR EYEBALLS TO EXPLODE.
If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him.

Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.

That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell.

If you think it sounds sexy in an Unfaithful kinda way, hold yer Trojans. She was wasted. And while most of the gals her age dig cocaine, J2's more of a, well, horse girl. Yep, she was smacked out. Poof.

Oh, Jordache. I'm sorry 'bout all yer on-and-off relationship woes. I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels. But really, honey. A catering dude in a stairwell at an Industry party?!

The above shoulda been the stuff on which porn movies are based--not some sad little episode that had the guy's colleagues nodding their heads in pitiful tsk-tsks. I hear nobody even broke a damn sweat! What kind of friggin' sex act is that--something George and Laura do?

Now, I know you're not friends with Paris Hilton. But maybe you should be?

Somewhere in there is a reference to heroin abuse, at least I think so. I am in dire need of a Casablancas-to-English dictionary! It seems as if Ted is more concerned with the tackiness of doing it with a waiter at a bar mitzvah than with her being "smacked out," but what do I know? And maybe Ted is right. It is pretty tacky. Seems more like something Tara Reid would do while filming "Taradise" in Israel...oh, "Taradise." We hardly knew ye! Sob. Sniffle. Come back, Tara! Come back!

But I digress.

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I'm pretty certain that the freaky-lookin' bobble-head doll with P. Diddy here is our girl.

Remember how she looked as Tai in "Clueless"? Anyone? Well, let's just refresh our memories, shall we?

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It's really quite startling. Brittany is one of those "I Just Grew Out Of My Baby Fat And Eat Healthy Now" girls who seem to be taking over Hollywood. I will always love her work as Luanne Platter, though...

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At least Lu Ann still looks healthy. Mmmmm...a Lu Ann Platter with fried fish and tartar sauce and mac-n-cheese and green beans with bacon and a yeasty roll would go down easy just about now...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Because Two Blogs Are Not Enough!

Yes'm, I done gone and made me another doggone blog, dadgumit! Why I'm talking like a hillbilly is a mystery, though...

Anyway, allow me to introduce the newest addition to the Felt Up Empire: Thrifty Cent! It is all about the assorted interesting items of crapola that I find during my day job of scouring thrift stores, estate sales, and whatnot for stuff to sell in my store.

The new blog may not be updated quite as (ir)regularly as Felt Up or my Myspace blog, but, you know, if you're bored at work, uh, check it out every once in a while.

I would also like to extend the warm hand of blog friendship to anyone who has found something unique at a junk store or in a darkened alley or down by the railroad tracks by a hobo camp or wherever and would like to contribute a wee paragraph and/or photo of said item to Thrifty Cent. Our motto is: "Get Thrift Or Die Tryin'." Also, "Hey Shorty, It's Your Birthday, We're Going To Thrift Shop Like It's Your Birthday." (Note that I use "thrift" as both a noun and a verb, and so should you.)

And so on and so forth until someone makes me stop.

"I Got The Magic Thrift, I Know If I Can Thrift Once, I Can Thrift Twice."

OK, OK, I could go on and on. Really. I'm serious, people. Someone needs to do something, and fast...

All That Glitters IS Gold!

OK, people, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Christmas is just around the corner! Why do I mention this fact? Because of this:
From Google News:
Singing sensation Mariah Carey has mini-Mariahs made -- The R&B diva is reportedly having 3,000 special dolls made of herself.

She has asked toymakers to produce the dolls complete with a diamante butterfly ring which she always wears.

'There’ll only be 3,000 of them and while they're supposed to be for kids, they're likely to become instant collectors' items,' said a source.

No word on how much these "instant collectors' items" will cost, but whatever it is, it's worth it! A price above rubies! Or in Mariah's case, a price above boobies!

Ba dum dum! I'm here all week, folks! Try the veal!

But really, ladies and germs, I admire the way Mariah's mind works. After all, it's not every pop singer who thinks they should have a miniature doll made of themselves. Not every pop singer thinks they should have fresh puppies and kittens provided in every hotel suite during their tour. Not every pop singer asks to be carried around the set of their music video when their feet start hurting. Not every pop singer has their sunglasses brought to them on a silver platter. Not every pop singer has a glamor shot taken next to a homeless man. And most of all, not every pop singer has a full-on, honest-to-goodness, stripping-on-TRL, Frances Farmer-esque public breakdown!

But that is why Mariah rules: Say what you will about her music--that's beside the point! She is a national treasure. Now that Liz Taylor is entering the twilight of her career, this country needs someone to take up the gold-and-diamond encrusted mantle of Grand Dame of American Pop Culture. For a while there, with her nine gazillion husbands and flowing, Liz-like caftans and lack of discernible talent, I had high hopes for J-Lo to take up where Liz left off. But her controlling, Svengali-meets-Troll-Doll husband has put the kibosh on that. So it's up to Mariah--and perhaps, Beyonce, although she seems to goody-goody to give us the delicious world-class affaires de scandale that Liz was so famous for--to fill those dainty shoes and bring the glitz and glamour back to celebrityhood.

Down with tasteful Armani sheaths! Up with ermine capes and turbans and mini-skirts--literally! Down with mimimalism! Up with amethyst-covered tables and looted Nazi art treasures! Down with faux modesty! Up with mini-me commemorative Mariah dolls! Down with gloom-n-doom!

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Up with Glitter!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

Now it's time to sink your teeth into this picture of poor ole Britney Spears, in which she appears to have forgotten to put on an essential undergarment:

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Leave your captions in the comments box, and good luck!

The Winnah!

Thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?

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(via a socialite's life)

oh no you diddyn't (deron bauman)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

You Can't Hurry Love, No, You'll Just Have To Voight

First it was Burt-n-Martha. Now the odd couple du jour is Jon Voight and Diana "Call Me Miss" Ross, who are definitely an item, according to WENN:
Angelina Jolie's estranged father Jon Voight has reportedly found love with soul diva Diana Ross after the odd couple were introduced by Motown founder Berry Gordy.

The couple arrived together hand in hand at the recent Hollywood tribute to Ross' 1972 movie Lady Sings The Blues and pals claim they're very much in love.

A friend maintains the movie tribute was the ideal opportunity for Voight to be introduced to Ross' children. The pal says, "It was the first time all the kids met him together and it was obvious that he charmed them. At one point, when he was introduced to a family friend, one of Diana's daughters cracked, 'Jon's one of us.'"

Friends claim the couple have been fond of each other for years but didn't embark on a romance until last month when Gordy set them up on a dinner date. A source says, "Diana has been to hell and back over her booze problems and DUI (drunk-driving) arrest, and he (Gordy) kept telling her that since she beat her demons and emerged from the depths of depression, all she needed now was love. And I'll be damned if he didn't go out and find the perfect man for her himself."

Huh. Well, it just goes to show that you never can tell who is going to fall victim to cupid's arrow. Who will be next, I wonder? Donnie Most and Roberta Flack? Harvey Keitel and Haylie Duff? Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton? Oh, right.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Borderline Hysteria!

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Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in this urgent communique today:
You should mention how awesome Tommy Lee Jones (I know you love him) is in your blog! There's a little bit about him on imdb.com today complaining about Kay Bailey Hutchinson and her plans to give money to vigilante border patrol groups! TLJ loves brown people! He married one!

Terri R. is, of course, correct. I do love dark, brooding, flawed (he has delicious pock marks! Huzzah!) Tommy Lee. Sigh! Swoon!

And he is, indeed, awesome. First of all, there is his name: Tommy Lee Jones is second only to Rip Torn in the Manly Texan Name Hall of Fame. Then there is his talent. Need proof of his mad skills? First watch "The Executioner's Song," making sure to ignore Rosanna Arquette's naked boobs, although as they are almost as ginormous as her hideous rat-like teeth, that may be nigh on impossible. But try! Then compare TLJ's spot-on perfect performance in the excellent made-for-tv movie "The Amazing Howard Hughes" with the ridiculous fat-baby-playing-at-manhood monstrosity that is Leonardo DiCaprio in "The Aviator." Then witness Mr. Jones as the drunk, boorish, womanizing, yet oddly endearing Doolittle Lynn in "Coal Miner's Daughter," your humble Felt Up blogette's contender for Favorite Movie Of All Time. If you're feeling especially curious, check out "The Eyes of Laura Mars," "Jackson County Jail," and "Back Roads," a late '70s road movie co-starring Sally Field as a hooker with a heart of gold, while Tommy Lee plays a boxer with his shirt off most of the time--reason enough to see this movie, I can assure you.

At any rate, I'm glad to see that his politics on this issue are in line with my own (and Terri "Brown Power" R.'s), because even though he went to Harvard and was Al Gore's roommate, Tommy Lee keeps his political views pretty close to the vest, which I think is a good quality in a celebrity. He's so ornery and prickly that it has been difficult to figure out what he thinks about anything, except that one time on "Inside The Actor's Studio" he said his least favorite sound was "leaf blowers," and again, our thinking is right in line. I hate the sound of leaf-blowers too, Tommy Lee! We have so much in common!

But I digress. Here's the IMDB report that Terri mentioned:
Veteran actor Tommy Lee Jones has criticized Texan Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's ideas on how to control immigration on the US/Mexico border.

The Fugitive star, who lives in San Antonio near the Texas/Mexico border with his Hispanic wife Dawn, is angered by Hutchinson's plans for vigilante groups to guard borders.

He says, "We have a United States senator who has been quoted as saying that our borders are hemorrhaging, a bleeding wound... and wants to introduce a bill that pours millions (of dollars) into federal enforcement of the borders and by golly she wants to give money to the vigilante groups. Just like a lot of politicians, (she) feeds on headlines. In this case she's making her appeal to rabid paranoia which is dangerous. It's a very complicated issue. There are people working in agriculture whose families have been split by the existence of this border and they're willing and able to do jobs in the north that no one else will do. They don't deserve to have their culture and their families split in two."

Go Tommy Lee! Well-said, sir! Viva La Raza!

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Viva Tommy Lee! Viva!

And now for something completely different: Page Six reported today that Snoop Dogg is coming out with a product very near to your humble Felt Up blogette's shrivelled, blackened, tiny heart: HOT DOGS!
Rappers Lil' Jon and Ice-T may hawk their own energy drinks, but Snoop Dogg hopes to upstage them both with his new line of hot dogs.

The laid-back hip-hopper has lent his name to "Foot Long Snoop Doggs," which will feature a wrapper that bears Snoop's likeness, reports aversion.com, which notes, "If Snoop Doggs take off, expect a line of J. Lo's huge buns to surface in the near future."

OMG. I loooove hot dogs! Foot Long Snoop Doggs? Awesome. Totally and completely awesome. I can see myself now, eating a Foot Long Snoop Dogg, sippin' on gin and juice, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind, driving around in my Cadillac Snoop DeVille, if I had one. I wonder if they're kosher? The hot dogs, I mean, not the car....

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I'll shamelessly use any excuse to put up a photo of dogs in costume! Any excuse!


And finally, Friend of Felt Up Rebekah M. sent in this delightful item over the weekend, about Martha Stewart possibly hooking up with Burt Reynolds (!):
InTouch says that Stewart has been nursing a crush on the Bandit.

"Ever since her prison stint, Martha's decided to live for the moment, so she pulled a few strings and got Burt's number. She gave him a call, introduced herself, and now the two have a secret phone relationship going."

I think that if a magic fairy were to grant me one wish, and my choices were: 1) world peace for all eternity, 2) the end of hunger and suffering on the planet, or 3) Martha Stewart and Burt Reynolds really are dating, I would definitely have to pick 3). The Bandit and the Felon? Are you kidding me? I would stop at nothing to see those two together!

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It's a good thing!