Wednesday, December 01, 2004

OK, after bitching last week about my beloved Star Magazine and its disturbing habit of using misleading cover headlines, I am pleased to announce that THIS week's Star cover story totally delivers the goods! The headline is "Stars Without Makeup! 20 Shocking Photos Inside You Must See!" and it is a thing of beauty. The cover features Courteney Cox, Pamela Anderson, Goldie Hawn, and Whitney Houston. After eagerly flipping to the accompanying article--complete with dermatalogists' and makeup artists' commentary--I was DELIGHTED to see that there were SIX whole pages of incredibly unflattering photos of today's top female celebs. Huzzah!

First, let's dispense with the "I'm Sorry, Star, But They Still Look Good" photos: Kate Hudson, Nicollette Sheridan, Pam Anderson, Teri Hatcher, Kelly Clarkson, Serena Williams, Alicia Silverstone, Tori "I Can't Believe I'm Saying She Looks Good" Spelling, Michele Pfeiffer, and, surprisingly enough, Courtney Love (I think she looks better without all the crazy-old-lady makeup). All of these ladies are caught au naturelle--in private moments, just finishing a workout, or whatever--and frankly, if a photographer ever caught ME like that, I would be sucked down a never-ending shame-spiral of self-loathing and despair. Sure, they don't look GREAT, but who among us is ready to cast the I Always Look Fantastic 24/7 stone? Who?

Now, onto the good stuff. Of all the people pictured, Kirstie Alley, I'm sad to say, looks the worst. We all know how much I love and support Ms. Alley. I was even going to start a line of "fat pride" bracelets called Kirsties! But I have to call 'em as I see 'em, even if it means hurting the ones I love. This is not a new photo, by the way, but it may be the single most unflattering picture I've seen of anyone ever in my entire life. She doesn't look fat so much as she looks like someone in a "fat suit," with prosthetic faux chins; slick back her hair and she could be the "wafer thin dinner mint" guy from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life." Star says: "Such a pretty face!...By accenting her eyes, the actress, 53, can bring out her natural beauty. Ginger eye shadow and mascara would do the trick." Hmmm...ginger eye shadow is apparently a miracle product! I had no idea!

The next most unflattering is Whitney Houston. I actually think she's wearing a little lipstick in this photo, unlike ANY of the other stars...and yet she looks absolutely TERRIBLE. She has the skin of a crack whore's tired old grandmother. Her hair is a FRIGHT and she looks 5,000 years old. Star's nutritionist thinks "she needs vitamin injections" (uh, I am pretty sure that injections of any kind are the LAST thing Ms. Whitney Houston needs right now) and that "her skin texture and deep set eyes show 'a fair amount of toxicity.'" NO, DUH. Seriously, people, she looks like death warmed over, re-heated, microwaved, and served on a sizzlin' skillet.

Madonna just looks like Madonna always looks now--tired, too thin, no facial fat, ancient, haggard, NO FUN, and faux English.

Goldie Hawn is 59 years old and looks freakishly young most of the time, so I'm ready to cut her some slack on these pictures. The one on the cover is pretty bad, though; she is probably speed-dialing an illegal Botox dealer as we speak. Star's nutritionist, a font of profound information, begs Goldie to "eat more veggies!"

Shannen Doherty looks puffy, like she was boozing it up all night and was photographed doing The Walk of Shame out of some B-movie actor's Studio City hideaway. Again, who am I to judge? We've all been there, folks.

Debra Messing, AS WE ALL KNOW WHETHER WE WANT TO OR NOT, just had a baby, but Star still accuses her of being "washed out"-looking and in need of a tinted moisturizer.

Lisa Marie Presley looks like Elvis after he'd been floating facedown in a pool for 48 hours. Bloated, puffy, and blotchy--Star's celebrity makeup artist recommends concealer and eye cream.

HA! Liz "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurley looks 110 years old, drawn, pale, exhausted, ancient. Granted, she appears to have just jetted in from Sri Lanka or someplace else very, very far away, but her outer appearance is starting to match the inner hideousness of her soul. Hurrah! Star helpfully notes that "a quick slick of color perks up pale lips."

Britney's got bad zits. What else is new? I like that the nutritionist proclaims her to "be in a state of nutritional decay." Wait a minute--Cheetos and Red Bull are bad for your skin? Wha..WHAT?

Finally, Lindsay Lohan looks a little blowsy-old-broadish for being 12 years old or whatever she is. Post break-up malaise? Too much quality time with Miss Tara Reid? Hard to say. Perhaps a bit of both.

In other parts of the Star, we have "Is Anna Nicole CRACKING UP?" The answer: YES. Big time. On las drugas.

Also, just in time for the Felt Up Greatest Bad Movie of All Time Mini Poll, there's an in-depth investigation into "Alexander: The Craziest Movie Set EVER?" The greatest part is the Star "Nuts-O-Meter" graphic which rates the wackiness of each big player on the set. Rosario Dawson sexed up Colin Farrell and is rated slightly nuts. Angelina Jolie sexed up Colin Farrell and is rated right on the line between nuts and loony (basically just for being Angelina Jolie). Oliver Stone is off the Nuts-o-Meter chart for directing the movie from a white tent he called "The Temple," forcing auditioning actors to have pretend sex with a pool table, and for constantly talking about losing his virginity to a prostitute paid for by his father. Yawn! Colin Farrell is a drunken, oversexed Irish dude, so he breaks the Nuts-o-Meter as well. And in this crazy mixed-up world we live in, Mr. Val Kilmer actually rates saner than Oliver Stone and Colin Farrell, depsite the fact that he is Val Kilmer. He only rates a high loony.

Ooh, one more thing. In their star siblings feature, Star has a great photo of Kevin Spacey's Rod Stewart impersonator brother! The rest of the spread seems mainly like a cruel depiction of the vagaries of the gene pool. Doug Pitt, I feel your pain...

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