Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Lots of tidbits today, just in time for the holidays! First up, a little family joy. This Page Six headline really captures the essence of What Family Is All About:

"HER BRA BELONGS TO DADDY"

Doesn't that bring a wee tear to the eye? Here's the deal:

"Joe Simpson, the former Baptist minister turned manager of daughters Jessica and Ashlee, doesn't shy way from talking about his offspring's physical assets.

'Jessica never tries to be sexy,' Simpson tells GQ. 'She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!'"

[I have to interject something right here: EWWWWWWW! That's her DAD!!!Not to mention a former MINISTER!!!OK, back to the story already in progress. No, wait, I have to say it just one more time: EWWWWWWWW!!!]

"Simpson also volunteered that he modified the part Ashlee will play in an upcoming movie, "Wannabe." In the original script, Ashlee's character was gay.

'I changed it,' Simpson says. 'It doesn't work for her to be gay the first thing out. She said, 'But it's cool, it's edgy, it's different,' and of course the filmmakers were like, 'It's cool for a woman to be a lesbian,' and I'm like, 'That's true, but not her first role.'

'She's going to be a huge movie star. She's like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we're done, she'll play it all.'"

So, not only is Joe Simpson incredibly icky and totally creepy, he's DERANGED as well! "Like Meg Ryan" but with "more depth"? Granted, he's not exactly aiming HIGH in the depth department, but still. He's obviously quite mad. And I thought MY family Christmas was going to be awkward and tense! But as far as I know, neither of Felt Up's parents have ever talked about my boob size to GQ. Not that said boobs are not magnificent, it's just that, you know, we have a little something called taste and propriety. Sort of. Most of the time, anyway. Until the booze comes out. But I digress...

Now onto some non-news you really can't use! WENN reports that Nicole Kidman had knee lipo! What, the illegal Botox didn't freeze the fat in its tracks before it could make its meager way to Ms. Kidman's knobby knees? Quelle horror!

"Australian beauty Nicole Kidman has fuelled speculation she has had cosmetic knee surgery, after being snapped wearing bandages around her legs.

Pictures in British tabloids Tuesday show the Cold Mountain star in a swimming costume, exposing band aids around her knees - which British surgeon Dr. Apostolos Gaitanis says suggests she has had liposculpture to remove fatty deposits, which are notoriously difficult to shift in later years.

Gaitanis explains, 'She is in her mid-thirties, an age when many women find that fat has started to collect on the inside and upper section of their knees. No matter how much they exercise or control their diet, these deposits stay put. It takes about 45 minutes and patients can go home immediately. For the next few days, patients wear plasters and support stockings to help the skin re-drape correctly.'"

This is some kind of horrible trend in Hollywood--first Demi Moore had her knees done and now Nicole. What's next? Toes? Elbows? Anus reduction? Let's imagine THAT one, shall we: "New photographs of Goldie Hawn's ass reveal tell-tall signs that the fifty-something star of such films as 'Overboard' and 'Bird on a Wire' has recently undergone anus-reduction surgery. Surgeon-to-the-stars Dr. Anton Freebase notes that 'women in their fifties often see an enlarging of the anal canal, after years of undergoing high-colonics and having press agents sticking their heads up their clients' lower intestines...but fixing this unsightly problem is relatively simple, although not entirely painless.' Dr. Freebase went on to say, 'A nip here, a tuck there and their anuses look like a newborn baby's.' Ms. Hawn could not be reached for comment." Sigh. Armageddon, people. That's all I'm sayin'.

Speaking of newborns, from the "Now I Shall Be Subjected To Even More Baby Porn in My Beloved Star Magazine" file, Liv Tyler pushed out a healthy baby boy yesterday. She and her husband, pale has-been English "rocker" Royston Langston, have yet to come up with a name for the tyke. May I suggest Quince or Kumquaat if you want to go the Gwyneth fruit route, or why not take a cue from Jermaine Jackson and just name him Jermajesty? It's sort of timeless and classy. Or how about Livalittle? Livinoutloud? Livfortoday? The possibilities are endless...

Finally, Russian tennis slut Anna Kournikova may or may not have wed Enrique "I Just Sound Gay" Iglesias recently. If they did, in fact, engage in holy, sacred matrimony, I hope that their public canoodling, groping, ass-grabbing, and sex-on-the-beach displays are all part of their future wedded bliss. For my sake. And the sake of the children. Isn't it all about the children, after all?