Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I don't usually include a lot of sports figures in Felt Up, because frankly I could give a crap, but every once in a while a story comes along that is so special, so illustrative of the Christmas Spirit, that I bend my rules a little bit. Such as this remarkable profile in courage, courtesy of Page Six. If there was any justice in the world, the first sentence alone would warrant a special Pulitzer Prize for Best Lead in a Gossip Story:

"Little person-loving Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez is caught in the middle of a dissing match between two dwarves.

After Martinez bonded with 4-foot-tall Post freelancer 'Little' Tim Loomis at his introductory press conference last week, the hurler's old mini-mascot, 28-inch tall Nelson De La Rosa, whined to the Daily News that Martinez 'broke my heart.'

De La Rosa — who was Martinez's 'good-luck charm' during his World Series win with the Boston Red Sox — is upset because Martinez laughed off the Beantown-based dwarf's role in the victory, saying it was 'just a trick.'

Then Martinez doubled his diss by scooping up native New Yorker Loomis and triumphantly holding him in the air.

De La Rosa, who once starred opposite Marlon Brando in the 'Island of Dr. Moreau,' sniffed of Loomis: 'That little guy just wants to be famous. Well, I'm already famous.'

But Loomis fired back yesterday, telling PAGE SIX: 'He sounds a little desperate to me. I'm more famous than he is. I was in Woody Allen's 'Shadows and Fog.' I've worked at Radio City's Christmas show. I've appeared on 'Saturday Night Live.' And I'm doing the hottest comedy show in the country — Beacher's Comedy Madhouse at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas.'

'I'm also a lot taller than him,' Loomis cracked.

The Post's report about Loomis' lovefest with Martinez may have landed him
another movie role: He's been asked to play a pint-size pimp in 'Vegas, Baby,' written and directed by Eric Bernt, who scripted the 2000 Jet Li action flick 'Romeo Must Die.'

Meanwhile, Loomis and other little people are a wee bit upset that the News referred to him as a 'midget.'

Loomis fumes: 'It's like calling someone a 'k- -e' or a 'n- - - -r.' It's a very offensive term. They should be polite and correct, and use either 'dwarf' or 'little person.' "

OK, I really don't know what THAT was all about--so much confusing information, so much anger and resentment!--but apparently one little person is angry at another little person because a baseball player dumped him as his personal good luck charm (a sort of human rabbit's foot). Whatever. The main thing is that it involved Marlon Brando's mini-me from "The Island of Dr. Moreau"! OMG! This is the SAME mini-me that I helped re-create for Terri R.'s 2004 Halloween costume (her brilliant and disturbing portrayal of Marlon-Brando-as-Dr. Moreau) using a floppy rabbit doll and a piece of white curtain lining! WOW. I get WAY more excited over celebrities like Mr. Nelson de la Rosa than I do over hosebags like Paris Hilton. WAY MORE. Yippee!