Thursday, December 16, 2004

America's Next Top Model is.....EVA!!!Hurrah!

OMG, I totally thought it was going to be either Amanda or YaYa, but Amanda was eliminated first--a complete shocker for this show! I didn't think Eva Piggleton or whatever her name is (Pigglesworth? Pigmalion? All I know is that it starts with "Pig," which is unfortunate, because Eva's got just the teensiest bit of a snout on her. She's very pretty, don't get me wrong, just, you know, in a slightly piggy way. Oh, what the hell is it? Pigglesworth? Pigtopeewee? Pignewton?) had a hope in hell. But obviously I KNOW NOTHING.

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Eva Pigglywiggly!

So first the girls had to do a Cover Girl photo shoot, and it was seemingly the first and only time they didn't get made up like futuristic crazy ladies from Bjork's worst nightmare. They all looked a 100 times better than they ever had, but really, YaYa didn't photograph as well as the other two. Even Amanda looked fresh-faced and pretty, not like her usual evil-eyed witch woman, but Eva definitely looked the best. The general consensus at the ANTM viewing party was that America was not ready for two black final contestants--but again, we KNOW NOTHING. For it was Amanda who got eliminated. Janice looked like she was going to retch--she loved Amanda (the skinniest contestant) like a fat kid loves pie. Too bad, Janice--the next top model was going to be a short black woman, whether you like it or not!

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Cover Girl Eva Piginablanket!

After Miss Legally Blind 2004 was ixnayed, there was a runway competition done all robotic style, where the models walked like zombies with some seriously hideous hair and makeup. It was kind of a gyp--it wasn't even a straight runway, it was square shaped, and there was nary a hint of sashay, shantay, pivot, PIVOT. I wanted, you know, a WALK-OFF like in "Zoolander," not all this wooden, stiff stuff. Total rip-off, man! Thanks a lot, Tyra.

During the final judge off, Janice wanted YaYa, Nigel couldn't decide, and Nole liked Eva...Tyra was acting all upset and kept moaning about how hard it was. It was like they were picking the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Whatever, the main thing is that YaYa didn't win, and now she can take her beloved Ivy League education and get congratulated on her faux humbleness someplace ELSE. If Toccara couldn't win--and she SO should've, she ruled!--at least it wasn't goddamn holier-than-thou pompous ass YaYa or Jah Wolf's blind crystal-loving hippie mama Amanda.

The lesser of three evils won! YAY EVA!!! Now you can vanish into obscurity like the last two Top Models. As for me, I think it's time to transfer my tragic ANTM obsession to something more deserving, more high-brow, more mentally stimulating...something like PROJECT RUNWAY!!! Yippee!

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