Tuesday, December 28, 2004

As many of you are aware by now, a terrible tragedy has befallen the world of swimsuit modeling, not to mention the world in general. Here at Felt Up HQ, we offer our warmest wishes to the family of "jet-setting supermodel Petra Nemcova," whose courageous story has mesmerized the readers of the NY Daily News since it was featured on the tabloid's front page. This brave, totally HOT Sports Illustrated swimwear model "survived the terrifying Asian tsunami by clinging to the top of a palm tree for eight hours - wincing through the pain of a broken pelvis and haunted by the sight of her boyfriend being swept out to sea." Truly tragic, and yet so ispirational.

Oh, yeah, apparently 59,999 non-models didn't fare so well.

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To make a donation to the non-jet-setting supermodels who desperately need aid, go:

  • HERE

  • Wednesday, December 22, 2004

    Here's a stocking-stuffer for you:

    Paris Hilton wears size 11 shoes!

    It's pretty sad when you wear the same shoe size as your drag-queen impersonators. Of course, if this whole being-famous-for-doing-nothing thing ever stops working for her, she could always star in a series of porn movies about tiny-brained annoying women with GINORMOUS FEET! Or...yeah, uh, I guess she could also just fall back on her inherited fortune. Damn.

    Here's an actual photo of her feet juxtaposed with a normal, decent person's:

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    Tuesday, December 21, 2004

    I don't usually include a lot of sports figures in Felt Up, because frankly I could give a crap, but every once in a while a story comes along that is so special, so illustrative of the Christmas Spirit, that I bend my rules a little bit. Such as this remarkable profile in courage, courtesy of Page Six. If there was any justice in the world, the first sentence alone would warrant a special Pulitzer Prize for Best Lead in a Gossip Story:

    "Little person-loving Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez is caught in the middle of a dissing match between two dwarves.

    After Martinez bonded with 4-foot-tall Post freelancer 'Little' Tim Loomis at his introductory press conference last week, the hurler's old mini-mascot, 28-inch tall Nelson De La Rosa, whined to the Daily News that Martinez 'broke my heart.'

    De La Rosa — who was Martinez's 'good-luck charm' during his World Series win with the Boston Red Sox — is upset because Martinez laughed off the Beantown-based dwarf's role in the victory, saying it was 'just a trick.'

    Then Martinez doubled his diss by scooping up native New Yorker Loomis and triumphantly holding him in the air.

    De La Rosa, who once starred opposite Marlon Brando in the 'Island of Dr. Moreau,' sniffed of Loomis: 'That little guy just wants to be famous. Well, I'm already famous.'

    But Loomis fired back yesterday, telling PAGE SIX: 'He sounds a little desperate to me. I'm more famous than he is. I was in Woody Allen's 'Shadows and Fog.' I've worked at Radio City's Christmas show. I've appeared on 'Saturday Night Live.' And I'm doing the hottest comedy show in the country — Beacher's Comedy Madhouse at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas.'

    'I'm also a lot taller than him,' Loomis cracked.

    The Post's report about Loomis' lovefest with Martinez may have landed him
    another movie role: He's been asked to play a pint-size pimp in 'Vegas, Baby,' written and directed by Eric Bernt, who scripted the 2000 Jet Li action flick 'Romeo Must Die.'

    Meanwhile, Loomis and other little people are a wee bit upset that the News referred to him as a 'midget.'

    Loomis fumes: 'It's like calling someone a 'k- -e' or a 'n- - - -r.' It's a very offensive term. They should be polite and correct, and use either 'dwarf' or 'little person.' "

    OK, I really don't know what THAT was all about--so much confusing information, so much anger and resentment!--but apparently one little person is angry at another little person because a baseball player dumped him as his personal good luck charm (a sort of human rabbit's foot). Whatever. The main thing is that it involved Marlon Brando's mini-me from "The Island of Dr. Moreau"! OMG! This is the SAME mini-me that I helped re-create for Terri R.'s 2004 Halloween costume (her brilliant and disturbing portrayal of Marlon-Brando-as-Dr. Moreau) using a floppy rabbit doll and a piece of white curtain lining! WOW. I get WAY more excited over celebrities like Mr. Nelson de la Rosa than I do over hosebags like Paris Hilton. WAY MORE. Yippee!

    Monday, December 20, 2004

    This is just to let all my adoring fans--you know who you are, both of you!--that just like love, the posts are going to come in spurts for the next couple of weeks. You know, the holidays and whatnot. Your humble Felt Up bloggette will be busy guzzling boozey nogs, stuffing cakes and candies--and yes, perhaps a pie or two--into her piehole, and generally rolling around on the floor clutching her distended belly in a gluttonous stupor, not unlike Templeton the gay rat after his smorgasbord-orgasbord binge at the fair in "Charlotte's Web."

    I DID however, just receive in the mail my beloved Star Magazine, with its "50 MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE OF 2004--And Why We LOVE Them!" issue, which I will dissect very soon in elaborate detail....stay tuned! Also, a new poll is on the way!

    Friday, December 17, 2004

    Kind of slim pickens today, I'm afraid. But there IS this little item from Page Six that is sure to warm the heart and imbue one with the sweet glow of holiday spirit:

    "The catfight between Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan is back on.

    The teen queens declared their undying hatred for each other after they simultaneously dated Aaron Carter, but at last Friday's Z100 Jingle Ball, Duff took the feud up a notch when she got her boyfriend to make Lohan's little brother cry.

    Lohan, at the concert to introduce Destiny's Child, was with her brother Cody, 8, Cody's pal (also 8), her sister Ali, 10, and her mother, Dina.

    'Cody and his friend love Good Charlotte, who were playing, and they really wanted an autograph from the band,' our source reports.

    But when the boys and a Universal publicist knocked on the dressing room door, there was Duff sitting on the lap of Good Charlotte band member Joel Madden, whom she's dating.

    Told that one boy was Lohan's brother, Duff whispered to Madden, who snapped: 'Get me your mother!'

    When Dina got to the dressing room, Madden told her: 'Until your daughter publicly apologizes to [Hilary], you're not getting any autographs!'

    According to our spy, 'Cody started crying, he was so upset. Dina was just appalled.'

    A rep for Lohan declined comment. A rep for Duff said, 'Hilary was not even near Joel's dressing room all night.'"

    Who knows if this story bears any semblance to reality? Who gives a damn? All I know for sure is that it is awesome in every way. Making an 8-year-old cry? Hilary Duff sitting on the lap of a Good Charlotter? A never-ending feud between teen sensations? Hotcha! It's like Santa got my Christmas list early!

    To celebrate such good fortune, I would like to recite one of my favorite carols, which has been passed down from generation to generation in my family and goes something like this, but with tap dance accompaniment (a five six seven eight):

    "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Duff on Good Charlotte's knee.

    On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, one boy a cryin' and a Duff on Good Charlotte's knee.

    On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two girls a feudin', one boy a cryin' and a Duff on Good Charlotte's knee.

    On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three lawsuits pendin', two girls a feudin', one boy a cryin' and a Duff on Good Charlotte's knee.

    On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...four taaaaaaaacky teeeeens [I'm including members of the Duff/Lohan posse here, bear with me]...three lawsutis, two feudin' girls, one cryin' boy and A DUFF ON GOOD CHARLOTTE'S KNEE."

    Still brings a tear to my eye...

    Thursday, December 16, 2004

    America's Next Top Model is.....EVA!!!Hurrah!

    OMG, I totally thought it was going to be either Amanda or YaYa, but Amanda was eliminated first--a complete shocker for this show! I didn't think Eva Piggleton or whatever her name is (Pigglesworth? Pigmalion? All I know is that it starts with "Pig," which is unfortunate, because Eva's got just the teensiest bit of a snout on her. She's very pretty, don't get me wrong, just, you know, in a slightly piggy way. Oh, what the hell is it? Pigglesworth? Pigtopeewee? Pignewton?) had a hope in hell. But obviously I KNOW NOTHING.

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    Eva Pigglywiggly!

    So first the girls had to do a Cover Girl photo shoot, and it was seemingly the first and only time they didn't get made up like futuristic crazy ladies from Bjork's worst nightmare. They all looked a 100 times better than they ever had, but really, YaYa didn't photograph as well as the other two. Even Amanda looked fresh-faced and pretty, not like her usual evil-eyed witch woman, but Eva definitely looked the best. The general consensus at the ANTM viewing party was that America was not ready for two black final contestants--but again, we KNOW NOTHING. For it was Amanda who got eliminated. Janice looked like she was going to retch--she loved Amanda (the skinniest contestant) like a fat kid loves pie. Too bad, Janice--the next top model was going to be a short black woman, whether you like it or not!

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    Cover Girl Eva Piginablanket!

    After Miss Legally Blind 2004 was ixnayed, there was a runway competition done all robotic style, where the models walked like zombies with some seriously hideous hair and makeup. It was kind of a gyp--it wasn't even a straight runway, it was square shaped, and there was nary a hint of sashay, shantay, pivot, PIVOT. I wanted, you know, a WALK-OFF like in "Zoolander," not all this wooden, stiff stuff. Total rip-off, man! Thanks a lot, Tyra.

    During the final judge off, Janice wanted YaYa, Nigel couldn't decide, and Nole liked Eva...Tyra was acting all upset and kept moaning about how hard it was. It was like they were picking the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
    Whatever, the main thing is that YaYa didn't win, and now she can take her beloved Ivy League education and get congratulated on her faux humbleness someplace ELSE. If Toccara couldn't win--and she SO should've, she ruled!--at least it wasn't goddamn holier-than-thou pompous ass YaYa or Jah Wolf's blind crystal-loving hippie mama Amanda.

    The lesser of three evils won! YAY EVA!!! Now you can vanish into obscurity like the last two Top Models. As for me, I think it's time to transfer my tragic ANTM obsession to something more deserving, more high-brow, more mentally stimulating...something like PROJECT RUNWAY!!! Yippee!

    Wednesday, December 15, 2004

    Lots of tidbits today, just in time for the holidays! First up, a little family joy. This Page Six headline really captures the essence of What Family Is All About:


    Doesn't that bring a wee tear to the eye? Here's the deal:

    "Joe Simpson, the former Baptist minister turned manager of daughters Jessica and Ashlee, doesn't shy way from talking about his offspring's physical assets.

    'Jessica never tries to be sexy,' Simpson tells GQ. 'She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!'"

    [I have to interject something right here: EWWWWWWW! That's her DAD!!!Not to mention a former MINISTER!!!OK, back to the story already in progress. No, wait, I have to say it just one more time: EWWWWWWWW!!!]

    "Simpson also volunteered that he modified the part Ashlee will play in an upcoming movie, "Wannabe." In the original script, Ashlee's character was gay.

    'I changed it,' Simpson says. 'It doesn't work for her to be gay the first thing out. She said, 'But it's cool, it's edgy, it's different,' and of course the filmmakers were like, 'It's cool for a woman to be a lesbian,' and I'm like, 'That's true, but not her first role.'

    'She's going to be a huge movie star. She's like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we're done, she'll play it all.'"

    So, not only is Joe Simpson incredibly icky and totally creepy, he's DERANGED as well! "Like Meg Ryan" but with "more depth"? Granted, he's not exactly aiming HIGH in the depth department, but still. He's obviously quite mad. And I thought MY family Christmas was going to be awkward and tense! But as far as I know, neither of Felt Up's parents have ever talked about my boob size to GQ. Not that said boobs are not magnificent, it's just that, you know, we have a little something called taste and propriety. Sort of. Most of the time, anyway. Until the booze comes out. But I digress...

    Now onto some non-news you really can't use! WENN reports that Nicole Kidman had knee lipo! What, the illegal Botox didn't freeze the fat in its tracks before it could make its meager way to Ms. Kidman's knobby knees? Quelle horror!

    "Australian beauty Nicole Kidman has fuelled speculation she has had cosmetic knee surgery, after being snapped wearing bandages around her legs.

    Pictures in British tabloids Tuesday show the Cold Mountain star in a swimming costume, exposing band aids around her knees - which British surgeon Dr. Apostolos Gaitanis says suggests she has had liposculpture to remove fatty deposits, which are notoriously difficult to shift in later years.

    Gaitanis explains, 'She is in her mid-thirties, an age when many women find that fat has started to collect on the inside and upper section of their knees. No matter how much they exercise or control their diet, these deposits stay put. It takes about 45 minutes and patients can go home immediately. For the next few days, patients wear plasters and support stockings to help the skin re-drape correctly.'"

    This is some kind of horrible trend in Hollywood--first Demi Moore had her knees done and now Nicole. What's next? Toes? Elbows? Anus reduction? Let's imagine THAT one, shall we: "New photographs of Goldie Hawn's ass reveal tell-tall signs that the fifty-something star of such films as 'Overboard' and 'Bird on a Wire' has recently undergone anus-reduction surgery. Surgeon-to-the-stars Dr. Anton Freebase notes that 'women in their fifties often see an enlarging of the anal canal, after years of undergoing high-colonics and having press agents sticking their heads up their clients' lower intestines...but fixing this unsightly problem is relatively simple, although not entirely painless.' Dr. Freebase went on to say, 'A nip here, a tuck there and their anuses look like a newborn baby's.' Ms. Hawn could not be reached for comment." Sigh. Armageddon, people. That's all I'm sayin'.

    Speaking of newborns, from the "Now I Shall Be Subjected To Even More Baby Porn in My Beloved Star Magazine" file, Liv Tyler pushed out a healthy baby boy yesterday. She and her husband, pale has-been English "rocker" Royston Langston, have yet to come up with a name for the tyke. May I suggest Quince or Kumquaat if you want to go the Gwyneth fruit route, or why not take a cue from Jermaine Jackson and just name him Jermajesty? It's sort of timeless and classy. Or how about Livalittle? Livinoutloud? Livfortoday? The possibilities are endless...

    Finally, Russian tennis slut Anna Kournikova may or may not have wed Enrique "I Just Sound Gay" Iglesias recently. If they did, in fact, engage in holy, sacred matrimony, I hope that their public canoodling, groping, ass-grabbing, and sex-on-the-beach displays are all part of their future wedded bliss. For my sake. And the sake of the children. Isn't it all about the children, after all?

    Monday, December 13, 2004

    Speaking of the wondrous joys of Christmas, another story from the "Why Doesn't Someone Pay For Me To Go To London" file:

    "A protester has attacked a controversial waxwork Nativity scene featuring England soccer captain David Beckham as Joseph and his pop star wife "Posh Spice" Victoria as the Virgin Mary.

    'He pushed Posh and Becks over. It caused some damage but we don't know how much. The baby Jesus is fine,' said a spokeswoman for Madame Tussaud's waxwork museum in London on Monday.

    Anglicans, Catholics and Presbyterians have united in calling the exhibit a new low in the cult of celebrity worship.

    But Madame Tussaud's said it was popular with the public, who were outraged at Sunday's vandalism.

    'People were appalled. We had members of the public complaining that the Nativity was the only reason they were coming in today,' the spokeswoman said.

    'Staff gave chase but the attacker managed to escape. We are hoping to reopen the exhibit as soon as possible.'

    Controversy over the nativity has caused great mirth in British media. The Sun newspaper even instituted a dial-in line on Monday for anyone who might be able to identify the attacker.

    In the wax tableau, Australian pop star Kylie Minogue hovers above the crib as an angel while Victoria lays her shawled head tenderly on Beckham's shoulder.

    Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men. The shepherds are played by Hollywood star Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and camp Irish comedian Graham Norton."--CNN

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    Can you IMAGINE something like that in the US? Madame Toussaud's would be raided by Justice Department blackshirts as the last official act of John Ashscroft; the wax figures would be firebombed and anyone who had ever even LOOKED at the things would be expelled from the country. And everyone would be all, "Who the hell are Posh and Becks?" too. Infidels and phillistines all!

    I could do without the George Bush, Tony Blair and Duke of Edinburgh Wise Men (I suppose it's all part of that famous English sense of sarcasm), but Kylie as an angel (!) and Graham Norton as a shephard are genius.

    Posh and Becks are truly religious icons in most parts of the world, though, so that's not even all that funny.

    OK, yes it is.

    This is off subject a little, but I would like to say here that I used to think until quite recently that the first line in the Christmas carol about the nativity started out: "We three kings of Orientar..."--like they were the kings of a distant, exotic land named Orientar. Made sense at the time (ie, most of my life). I'm not that good at geography. Or caroling. It's a cute story, though, right?

    Sometimes I don't like Page Six very much. The right-wing slant, inaccuracies, focus on NY nightclub-owners I don't give a fig about--there are times when I just say "ugh." This is NOT one of those times. Today's Page Six led with the following item, and it's a BEAUT:


    "Titillating TV stars Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are shacking up after ditching their longtime lady loves.

    On Friday it was reported that DeGeneres had split with her girlfriend of four years, photographer-director Alexandra Hedison.

    We're told the real reason for the break is that DeGeneres is now deeply in love with de Rossi, the Australian-born "Arrested Development" diva. De Rossi recently dumped her longtime gal pal, singer-songwriter Francesca Gregorini (Ringo Starr's stepdaughter) to be with DeGeneres, a source close to the new couple told PAGE SIX's Jared Paul Stern. The pair are now in DeGeneres' house in the Hollywood Hills which Hedison left a couple weeks ago.

    DeGeneres, 46, and de Rossi, 31, first met nine months ago on a photo shoot, we're told. They fell "instantly in love," de Rossi gushed to pals at the time. But DeGeneres remained loyal to Hedison, whom she often credited with "saving her life" at a time of crisis. However, when DeGeneres and de Rossi met up again at VH1's "Big in '04" awards gala in L.A. on Dec. 1, events took their natural course.

    Their respective girlfriends were absent, and this time there was no stopping the lusty ladies. They managed to find a private spot and "things got so hot and heavy between them that they raced to a limo and fooled around for hours," our source reports.

    The very next day de Rossi left Gregorini, saying she was madly in love with DeGeneres, and DeGeneres asked Hedison to move out of their house, though we're told the pair plan to make it seem they were already single in order to minimize the fallout.

    Reps for DeGeneres and de Rossi could not be reached for comment.

    'Alexandra and Francesca are both devastated," says a source close to the women. "Neither of them had any idea what was coming.'

    There is obviously some bitterness, and while some friends speculate that DeGeneres and de Rossi were secretly seeing each ever since they first met, others snipe that de Rossi is out for all the publicity she can get with a new high-profile relationship.

    'People who know Ellen well feel she is going through a midlife crisis, dumping Alexandra for a hot, younger woman,' says our snitch. 'They predict Ellen will come to her senses and dump Portia to go back to Alexandra in the near future.'

    Hee hee! While I object to Ellen and Portia being referred to as "titillating" simply because they are lesbians, I have to admit--I'm a little titillated! Fooling around at the Big in '04 Awards--giggle gigggle! There used to be some doubt--some, not much--at Felt Up HQ as to what team Ms. de Rossi plays for, but now it's crystal clear! I don't know why this story warms my heart so much--maybe its the romance (except for the dumpees), maybe it's the fact that Portia de Rossi is a fascinating nutball, maybe it's that they are fulfilling the lesbian stereotype of moving in together after one makeout party--but it does! It fills me with holiday cheer and good spirits, like a hot toddy or a delightful rummy nog. I wish them only happiness and joy in the new year--as much as they have brought me. It's a an early Christmas miracle! God bless us, every one!

    Friday, December 10, 2004

    Ahhh, Friday is here and the weather is beautiful here at Felt Up HQ, and a girl's thoughts turn to flights of fancy. Or not...WENN reports that:

    "Spears Stinks Out Plane with Feet"

    "Pop beauty Britney Spears' smelly feet upset her fellow airplane passengers recently.

    The "Toxic" singer was flying from Los Angeles to New York with her husband Kevin Federline and decided to make herself more comfortable by removing her shoes.

    Unfortunately for her fellow passengers, Britney's feet caused such a stink it wasn't long before they were forced to complain to a stewardess.

    One says, 'The smell was unbelievable. One woman had a word with the air hostess, then three or four others complained. She looked pretty embarrassed as she tapped Britney on the shoulder and asked her very politely to put her shoes back on. Britney went red, laughed and said her shoes made her feet stink. Thankfully she put them on. There's no way we could have put up with that.'"

    I think I am beginning to fall in love a little with Ms. Britney Spears. As Terri R. says, it just seems like she would be so fun to party with. You go, Stink Foot! Don't let the bastards get you down!

    And in darker, more troubling--nay even terrifying--news, further evidence from Page Six that the powers of cosmic darkness are lining up as we hurdle ourselves toward The Apocalypse:

    "Adam Levine, Maroon 5's frontman, found himself as the latest man to get caught in Paris Hilton's revolving man-door. The two went back to the Hard Rock's penthouse and partied into the wee hours before disappearing together."

    Seriously, this is getting frightening. What's next? What new sign of impending doom could come our way? What freaky thing is going to happen to really shake the foundations of my core belief systems? I mean, what--is Tara Reid going to dump Lindsay Lohan as her best friend/partier-in-crime?

    Oh,no. It can't be. Jesus t-f'ing Christ:

    "Actress Tara Reid has viciously attacked the New York Post's gossip columns for claiming she is close friends with teen star Lindsay Lohan...

    In an interview with America's Stuff magazine, Reid blasts, 'The reporters from (New York Post's) 'Page Six' hate me, and I don't know why. They will write anything they can and always in a derogatory way. You can't do anything about it.'

    Reid focuses on one of "Page Six"'s three female correspondents Liz Smith, Cindy Adams and Elisa Lipsky-karasz, but refuses to clarify which reporter she hates. Reid fumes, 'She's just evil. But karma's a bitch, so she'll get hers.'

    The blonde beauty is furious she's been associated with Lohan, who, despite being underage at 18 years old, is regularly spotted in the nightclubs of Hollywood and New York.

    She explains, 'A tabloid reported she moved into my house and she's never even been to my house. Some article said I was a bad influence on her, because she was going out and going crazy. But Lindsay Lohan is way more wild than I was when I was her age. Don't put me with her - I don't want to be dragged into her s**t.'
    --From WENN

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I won't believe it! No. No. No. It isn't true! Lindsay and Tara are thisclose! I know it! Damn you and your serpent's tongue, foul woman! I don't know if I want to live in a world where Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan don't do cocaine off each other's backsides at Suede! Or drink Grey Goose Cape Cods while dancing on the banquettes with Australian tennis players at Bungalow 8! Or pick up strange Latin manchildren and have their way with them in the ladies' room at Club Nacional! These are the dreams that I cherish; my faith in them USED TO BE unshakable, my devoutness was like a nun's. Now what do I do? Where do I go from here? I am lost in the wilderness....

    Thursday, December 09, 2004

    Poll result time! In the last mini-poll, the people of the world were asked what was the best terrible movie of all time (or as far back as I could remember) and now the world has spoken: The best terrible movie is..."The Devil's Advocate"! With 33%! Oh, World, when you are right, you are SO right. What a great, great terrible movie: Keanu Reeves' faux southern accent, the incredible scenerey chewing of Mr. Al Pacino, the title itself--get it? Huh? He's a LAWYER and he works for SATAN so he's LITERALLY "The Devil's Advocate"!!! How clever! Next worse was the Mariah Carey-in-hot-pants vehicle "Glitter" with 22%. Third place was a tie between "Showgirls" and "Xanadu" with 17% each, and fourth most awful was split between "Anything with Sharon Stone" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula" with 6% apiece. Apparently, "Cleopatra" and "Alexander" are so terrible that no one has ever seen either of them, for they got 0%. Give "Alexander" time, though, people; I have a feeling about that one sneaking up on us later when we least expect it and providing some giggles and maybe even a guffaw or two...

    So. New poll question. I have been drawn to things biblical of late, so I humbly put this to you, World: What person, event or thing is the harbinger of the coming Apocalypse? (Not including George W. Bush). Poll is down at the bottom left. Sure, putting Dick Clark's stroke as a choice may be in poor taste, but you know what? So's armageddon. Not to mention "Armageddon" the movie--ooh, damn! I should have put that on the LAST poll. Oh, well...

    Wednesday, December 08, 2004


    From CNN:

    "Joan And Melissa Rivers Coming Back"

    "Joan and Melissa Rivers are returning to red carpet duty starting with next month's Golden Globes, a job they were shut out of during this year's Emmy Awards because of a contractual tangle.

    The mother-daughter tandem say they are more than ready to dish it out to the stars.

    'I think it will be notched up just because the energy is going to be so amazing,' Joan Rivers said on Tuesday. She missed covering this year's Emmy Awards when she and her daughter jumped from E! Entertainment Television to TV Guide Channel.

    Will Hollywood's stars be more carefully dressed knowing they'll again be facing the sharp-tongued Rivers women?

    'They better be,' Melissa Rivers said."

    AAAAAAAAAAAH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Actually, that won't help. With something as all-encompassing as Judgment Day on nigh, you can't run. You can't hide. You might as well go on a never-ending champagne-and-caviar-swilling trampage until the frogs start raining down and the Leviathan washes up on the shore of a blood-red sea. Which will happen soon after the Emmy Awards, according to The Book of Revelations: "And the Death's Head shall greet The Daughter of a Slain Idol on the Crimson Path and shall speak the name of a Child of the Far East, and thus shall begin the End of Man." In other words, right after Joan Rivers asks Mariska Hargitay if she's wearing Vera Wang. It's all in there, people! Read it and weep!

    From WENN:

    "Pop punk Pink will expose her innermost thoughts and feelings in a big screen adaptation of her private diary.

    The singer wants to tell her own story, following the decision to postpone a planned biopic of sixties icon Janis Joplin, starring Pink in the lead role.

    Pink - whose acting experience is limited to a cameo role in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - says, "I plan to write a film script based on them. They are shocking, inspiring and, above all, true to my heart."

    She plans to call the movie The Diary of Pink."

    Jesus, Mary and Joseph. We're going to hell in a handbasket. I am totally and completely serious, ya'll. All of us who live in a world where THIS could happen--we are The Damned. We are all guilty, because none of us are going to do anything to stop this abomination. Eternal damnation--'tis our fate. Thanks a lot, Pink.

    In other WENN News of the Ludicrous, Madonna was shocked--SHOCKED--to discover her manager was having an affair with one of her bodyguards and fired her because of it:

    "Madonna's devotion to the Kabbalah was behind her decision to fire her long-term manager Caresse Henry, after discovering Henry was having an affair with a bodyguard.

    The "Like A Virgin" singer was reportedly shocked that Henry, who had also converted to the mystical offshoot of Judaism, had broken one of the religion's strictest teachings - faithfulness.

    Henry had a partner back in America, while security man Ricky Dallanegra lived with his girlfriend in London. They have since become a couple after leaving their respective partners.

    Madonna sought the advice of her rabbi on the matter when she learned of the romance during this summer's Re-invention tour, before deciding to follow the Kabbalah practices and disown Henry.

    An insider tells British newspaper The Sun, 'Madonna and Guy are deeply committed to their Kabbalah faith which preaches monogamy and faithfulness. It's ironic, because Madonna used to eat men for breakfast. Now's she's a married mother and Kabbalist, she believes cheating is a serious sin.'

    'When she found out her manager was having an affair with her own bodyguard she was devastated. Madonna had a huge falling out with Caresse and said she couldn't possibly work with her any more.' "

    Excuse me while I take a minute to puke my guts out. UGH! I HATE MADONNA! This holier-than-thou school marm attitude is almost as preposterous as her British accent. I heard her on "Fresh Air" the other day and I almost crashed my car in a furious rage over her berating Terri Gross for asking her if she had, indeed, converted to Judaism. Saint Madonna went on and on in her preachy, high-handed tone about how much she hated ALL religions, how the Kabbalah "predated" religion, blah blah blah. BLEH! OK, we get it. She did not become a Jew. She only wants to dilly dally around with a mystical Jewish cult. Fine. Whatever. But she has a rabbi she consults? She fires longtime associates over a measly affair--when apparently there were not even any spouses involved? I want to get the "Erotica" book, tear out the picture of her having a three-way with Big Daddy Kane and VANILLA ICE--oh, Big Daddy Kane, wherefore art thou? but I digress--and throw it in her haggard under-fed ancient face. Fun, good-times Whore of Babylon-era Madonna could be hard to take at times, but nothing like THIS. She should quit the entertainment industry altogether, a la Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam, and SHUT THE HELL UP.

    Tuesday, December 07, 2004

    Yet another lip-synch scandal is sweeping through...well, whoever cares about this sort of thing. This time it was Lindsay Lohan, on "Good Morning, America," reports Page Six with great glee:

    "Today's teen pop queens are too young to remember the shame that befell lip-synchers Milli Vanilli in 1990.

    First, Ashlee Simpson was caught mouthing the words instead of singing last month on "Saturday Night Live" when her engineer played the wrong song. Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was found out on "Good Morning America" when she messed up "singing" her tunes "Rumors" and "Over."

    The director had to cut away at one point when Lohan's mouth was closed while she was "singing." Said one viewer: "She missed her cue to mouth along to the vocals."

    An insider told PAGE SIX that the band was live, but there were backing tracks. "It wasn't fully lip-synched," the source shared. However, the source added that Lohan, no stranger to a late-night good time, had some vocal issues and, "It was dicey to use her straight vocals...

    "All musical acts that perform on 'Good Morning America' are required to perform live," said "GMA" spokeswoman Bridgette Maney. "On occasion, artists will have backing tracks to support their live vocals."

    Still, the titian-tressed temptress disappointed her young fans. "It was embarrassing," one formerly devoted follower told us. "It hurt my heart."

    Lohan might have lost her voice where she lost her purse. She apparently misplaced her handbag, which was found Saturday by a guest at a party at an Upper East Side bar for alums of Providence College.

    The lucky finder was showing off Lohan's California driver's license, her black American Express card and other things she'd rather we didn't mention."

    OK. As much as I am LOATHE to defend the likes of Lindsay and Ashlee, I do want to point out to the media types who repeatedly invoke the name of Mili Vanilli that they not only lip-synched, THEY DIDN'T USE THEIR OWN VOICES ON THE RECORDING. Which is a bit different from simple lip-synching. Just thought I'd mention that small point, because IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

    But isn't it awesome how snarky Page Six is in this story? "She might have lost her voice where she lost her purse"? Hee hee! "No stranger to a late-night good time"? Ha ha! I also love, love, love the "formerly devoted" young fan whose heart was "hurt." Kiddo, you better start getting used to THAT. It's a big, cold, cruel world out there, full of deceit, lies, betrayal, and "backing tracks."

    But goddamit! Why bring up that there were things in her purse they can't mention? My mind is AFLAME with the possiblities! Nude photos of Wilmer? Tara Reid's coke vial? Daddy's restraining order? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT? I am going mad. Thanks a lot, Page Six!

    Monday, December 06, 2004

    The new Star arrived today. Kind of a snooze...the cover reads: "MARRIAGE IN CRISIS!" over a photo of a frightened-looking Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Star boasts that it has an "EXCLUSIVE REPORT" about 1) "Why Jen Won't Have Brad's Baby!" 2) "His Secret Visits With Angelina!" and 3) "Why Brad & Jen Are Hardly Ever Together!"

    Flip to the story and the answers are: 1) She wants to have a big movie career before she pushes out little Brad Jrs! 2.) Gasp! Angelina and Brad made a movie together! OMG. 3.) They are both interntaional jet-setting movie stars and their mega-million dollar careers are keeping them apart! I weep with sorrow over their plight!

    The most shocking revelation, at least to me, was that they were married in 2000--I seriously thought they had been married FOREVER. Like, since 1946. I guess it just seems that way, from the endless, relentless press scrutiny they have received. Bleh.

    What else doth Star offer up before mine eyes? The mandatory Julia Baby Porn. Let's just skip on past that, shall we?

    Jessica says that she'd "never CHEAT on Nick!" while holding her dad's creepy hand (I'm assuming).

    There's a photo of the Gotti Family Christmas Special, in which Victoria Gotti and her three hideous troll-doll sons decorate a Christmas tree while their faces assume the same look of morose glumness one might associate with people about to be shot by a firing squad. I think it's supposed to be "funny."

    Ruben Studdard is having some sort of totally unsurprising "health nightmare." I think it might have something to do with his weight and slightly manic personality, but I didn't actually read it all the way through due to lack of interest.

    Demi and Ashton spent a boring Thanksgiving skiing in Idaho as part of what Star calls their "very grown-up relationship." YAWN.

    Apparently Coureteney Cox and David Arquette are having troubles in the sack in her post-baby days. Yuck, yuck and double yuck--who would want to have sex with David Arquette EVER? Is Star tring to give me nightmares?

    The answer: YES. For in the "Stars Who Are Normal or...NOT NORMAL" section, there is a highly unnecessary photo of Danny Bondaduce's black banana hammock that may haunt me for the rest of my days. (He auctioned off his pants at a charity event.) SHUDDER.

    Finally, I am happy to say that the "HEY! Remember Me?" featurette on the last page is about NATALIE FROM THE FACT'S OF LIFE!!! Yay! Ms. Mindy Cohn is now 38 years old, single, and still acting! She looks great! She was nominated for a daytime Emmy for her voice work as Velma on "What's New, Scooby-Doo?"! I am now officially an ancient old lady.

    Friday, December 03, 2004

    Oooh, now THIS is good: A production assistant on Nick and Jessica's Christmas Special has sent a juicy e-mail to the geniuses over at Gawker.com, and there are tons of great observations about the Newlyweds' (non)interaction; the realness of Jessica's boobs; her biatch-y diva tendencies; and best of all, this quote from Nick, who, when asked to say something nice about his wife, said:

    " 'How about she was the best stocking I ever stuffed?' He then proceeded to say, 'She was the best chimney I've ever come down on.'"

    AWEsome! Note use of past tense. Who cares if it's true or not? To read the full e-mail in all its glory, go:

  • HERE!

  • Wednesday, December 01, 2004

    OK, after bitching last week about my beloved Star Magazine and its disturbing habit of using misleading cover headlines, I am pleased to announce that THIS week's Star cover story totally delivers the goods! The headline is "Stars Without Makeup! 20 Shocking Photos Inside You Must See!" and it is a thing of beauty. The cover features Courteney Cox, Pamela Anderson, Goldie Hawn, and Whitney Houston. After eagerly flipping to the accompanying article--complete with dermatalogists' and makeup artists' commentary--I was DELIGHTED to see that there were SIX whole pages of incredibly unflattering photos of today's top female celebs. Huzzah!

    First, let's dispense with the "I'm Sorry, Star, But They Still Look Good" photos: Kate Hudson, Nicollette Sheridan, Pam Anderson, Teri Hatcher, Kelly Clarkson, Serena Williams, Alicia Silverstone, Tori "I Can't Believe I'm Saying She Looks Good" Spelling, Michele Pfeiffer, and, surprisingly enough, Courtney Love (I think she looks better without all the crazy-old-lady makeup). All of these ladies are caught au naturelle--in private moments, just finishing a workout, or whatever--and frankly, if a photographer ever caught ME like that, I would be sucked down a never-ending shame-spiral of self-loathing and despair. Sure, they don't look GREAT, but who among us is ready to cast the I Always Look Fantastic 24/7 stone? Who?

    Now, onto the good stuff. Of all the people pictured, Kirstie Alley, I'm sad to say, looks the worst. We all know how much I love and support Ms. Alley. I was even going to start a line of "fat pride" bracelets called Kirsties! But I have to call 'em as I see 'em, even if it means hurting the ones I love. This is not a new photo, by the way, but it may be the single most unflattering picture I've seen of anyone ever in my entire life. She doesn't look fat so much as she looks like someone in a "fat suit," with prosthetic faux chins; slick back her hair and she could be the "wafer thin dinner mint" guy from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life." Star says: "Such a pretty face!...By accenting her eyes, the actress, 53, can bring out her natural beauty. Ginger eye shadow and mascara would do the trick." Hmmm...ginger eye shadow is apparently a miracle product! I had no idea!

    The next most unflattering is Whitney Houston. I actually think she's wearing a little lipstick in this photo, unlike ANY of the other stars...and yet she looks absolutely TERRIBLE. She has the skin of a crack whore's tired old grandmother. Her hair is a FRIGHT and she looks 5,000 years old. Star's nutritionist thinks "she needs vitamin injections" (uh, I am pretty sure that injections of any kind are the LAST thing Ms. Whitney Houston needs right now) and that "her skin texture and deep set eyes show 'a fair amount of toxicity.'" NO, DUH. Seriously, people, she looks like death warmed over, re-heated, microwaved, and served on a sizzlin' skillet.

    Madonna just looks like Madonna always looks now--tired, too thin, no facial fat, ancient, haggard, NO FUN, and faux English.

    Goldie Hawn is 59 years old and looks freakishly young most of the time, so I'm ready to cut her some slack on these pictures. The one on the cover is pretty bad, though; she is probably speed-dialing an illegal Botox dealer as we speak. Star's nutritionist, a font of profound information, begs Goldie to "eat more veggies!"

    Shannen Doherty looks puffy, like she was boozing it up all night and was photographed doing The Walk of Shame out of some B-movie actor's Studio City hideaway. Again, who am I to judge? We've all been there, folks.

    Debra Messing, AS WE ALL KNOW WHETHER WE WANT TO OR NOT, just had a baby, but Star still accuses her of being "washed out"-looking and in need of a tinted moisturizer.

    Lisa Marie Presley looks like Elvis after he'd been floating facedown in a pool for 48 hours. Bloated, puffy, and blotchy--Star's celebrity makeup artist recommends concealer and eye cream.

    HA! Liz "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurley looks 110 years old, drawn, pale, exhausted, ancient. Granted, she appears to have just jetted in from Sri Lanka or someplace else very, very far away, but her outer appearance is starting to match the inner hideousness of her soul. Hurrah! Star helpfully notes that "a quick slick of color perks up pale lips."

    Britney's got bad zits. What else is new? I like that the nutritionist proclaims her to "be in a state of nutritional decay." Wait a minute--Cheetos and Red Bull are bad for your skin? Wha..WHAT?

    Finally, Lindsay Lohan looks a little blowsy-old-broadish for being 12 years old or whatever she is. Post break-up malaise? Too much quality time with Miss Tara Reid? Hard to say. Perhaps a bit of both.

    In other parts of the Star, we have "Is Anna Nicole CRACKING UP?" The answer: YES. Big time. On las drugas.

    Also, just in time for the Felt Up Greatest Bad Movie of All Time Mini Poll, there's an in-depth investigation into "Alexander: The Craziest Movie Set EVER?" The greatest part is the Star "Nuts-O-Meter" graphic which rates the wackiness of each big player on the set. Rosario Dawson sexed up Colin Farrell and is rated slightly nuts. Angelina Jolie sexed up Colin Farrell and is rated right on the line between nuts and loony (basically just for being Angelina Jolie). Oliver Stone is off the Nuts-o-Meter chart for directing the movie from a white tent he called "The Temple," forcing auditioning actors to have pretend sex with a pool table, and for constantly talking about losing his virginity to a prostitute paid for by his father. Yawn! Colin Farrell is a drunken, oversexed Irish dude, so he breaks the Nuts-o-Meter as well. And in this crazy mixed-up world we live in, Mr. Val Kilmer actually rates saner than Oliver Stone and Colin Farrell, depsite the fact that he is Val Kilmer. He only rates a high loony.

    Ooh, one more thing. In their star siblings feature, Star has a great photo of Kevin Spacey's Rod Stewart impersonator brother! The rest of the spread seems mainly like a cruel depiction of the vagaries of the gene pool. Doug Pitt, I feel your pain...