Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Not much non-news today, so how's about a re-hash of the new Star, huh? Ooh, goodie!

Brilliant cover, as usual: "Renee Zellweger: From Bridget Jones To...SKIN & BONES! Is She Addicted to Deadly Dieting? Is She Losing Her Hair? NOW! 100 Lbs. PLUS! More Skeletal Stars Inside!" AWESOME! The photo shows Renee with dark hair, black dress, and pale skin, looking wan. The accompanying story is titled "Now She's BRIDGET BONES!" Double awesome!

There is some speculation that Renee's new "goth" look is an attempt to please her man, Jack White of the White Stripes. Also some talk about Renee being hyper-sensitive to criticism, with a great mention of her throwing a hissy fit in her limo after she lost the 2003 Best Actress Oscar: "She was devastated...she even tore part of her red Carolina Herrera dress in the limo." Hee hee! So what about the losing-her-hair angle? Weeeell, one Philip Goglia, co-founder of Performance Fitness Concepts in Santa Monica, California, says that Renee "looks like she's losing hair, and thre's a widening of her hair part" (sound of me frantically flipping to look at Renee's head) "that likely means severe nutrient deficiencies." Oh, nutrients shmutrients! Renee is a STAR, baby, and she's not going to let malnutrtion, rickets, or a teensy case of female-patterned baldness stand in the way of Jack White-approved emaciated gothiness!

The other skeletal stars, AKA "Hollywood's New PENCIL SET!", include Gwen Stefani (who is taken to task for being both too skinny now, and too fat three years ago), Kelly Ripa (yawn), and Amanda Bynes (What A Girl Wants is a damned sandwich!).

In other parts of the Star, there's a DELIGHTFUL four-page spread on my all-time favorite divorcee-who-had-surgery-to-look-like-a-cat Jocelyn Wildenstein! Yippee! The article is ostensibly about her incredibly hideous jungle/safari-themed (natch) NYC apartment, but really it's just an excuse to publish photos of the shocking face of the 59-year-old feline-wannabe. Kudos, crazy cat lady, kudos!

I'd like to take a moment here to applaud a brand-new feauture in Star: The Star Diva Meter! They apply this brilliant new visual device to a story about the stars of "Desperate Housewives" (Nicollette Sheridan is a Total Diva, Felicity Huffman is the Anti-Diva, and all the rest of them merely have Diva Tendencies). In an article about Star Jones' possibly-gay hubby-to-be, Al Reynolds (headlined "Bridezilla Spawns Groomzilla!"), Star reports that Al "tried to strong-arm" a free, custom-tailored tuxedo from "a top American fashion house" in exchange for priceless publicity on such fine programs as "Access Hollywood" and "Entertainment Tonight." The designer declined, even after Al made a terrifying threat: Give me the tux or I'll sic STAR JONES on you! The Star Diva Meter rates Al Reynolds "Off the Charts!" for his diva behavior!

In the Normal/Not Normal section we have Tori Spelling bottle-feeding a teddy bear (Not Normal!), Nicolas Cage's bald head/bad combover (Not Normal!), Mischa Barton walking out of "Surviving Christmas" with her oily boyfriend (Normal!), Charlize Theron buying a bike (Boring!), and best of all, Tom Cruise throws like a girl! (Not Normal!)

The rest of the Star is devoted to Nick and Jessica's rocky marriage, blah blah, Julia Roberts baby scare, blah blah; ooh here's a good one: "SIZE Doesn't Matter" about short/tall couples like Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster, Mick Jagger and L'Wren Scott (who is 6'4"!), Malcolm in the Middle and whoever he's dating (she's 5'8", he's 5'4"), Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri (she towers over him, and she's 5'4"!). As a serial short dater (I often say that I have a long list of short people I'd like to avoid), I have this warning: Watch out, ladies! The wee ones can sneak up on you when you least expect it!

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