Tuesday, November 23, 2004

No good non-news today, so here's a Star Magazine review instead. Brace yourself, I have some rather harsh things to say about my beloved trashazine. Now, anyone who knows me knows how much I adore and cherish my precious Star...however, I think a little tough love is called for right now. The Star is adrift; nay, perhaps even going down a path full of wickedness.

My main concern is the dangerous game they are playing with their covers. This is the SECOND ONE IN A ROW that has first dazzled me with its awesome claims, only to cruelly, CRUELLY disappoint once the accompanying article was actually read. Last week it was "Jessica Simpson's New Scandal: HER WILD NIGHT WITH 2 NAKED MEN! (A Goody-Goody No More!) Is Her Marriage To Nick A Sham Now?"--oh, how my feverish mind raced with the idea that Daddy's Good Little Girl had participated in some perverted, tawdry sex show...but nooooooooooooooo. It turns out she went to a lame Puppetry of the Penis performance with some friends. YAWN--and shame on you, Star, for getting me all titillated with misleading claims!

Now comes the current issue, and it's the same damn thing: "260 lb Kirstie: TOO FAT FOR SEX! Still Can't Stop Pigging Out!" OK. The picture is great--Kirstie Alley is wearing a caftan and giving the double bird (oddly, one finger is x-ed out with a star, while the other is in plain view...were they rushing this one to print or what? I guess Sexless Fat Kirstie is such hot news they didn't even remember to x-out the second finger.) Anyway, this is the kind of story that makes a girl like me happy to be alive; what does this MEAN, exactly, this "too fat for sex"? That she is UNABLE to perform any sex acts because she'll drop dead of a heart attack? That she would surely crush a man to death under her enormous girth? (Although I did note that Star has backed off it's previous accusation that she weighs 300 pounds.) How intriguiing!

Eagerly, like a young girl rushing to open her presents on Christmas morning, I flipped to the article to find out what was going on...Where I found out that this whole thing was simply a re-hash of what Ms. Alley had said on Oprah--yes that's right, I said OPRAH--about not liking to have "fat sex" (whatever THAT means), I suppose due to self-loathing. THAT'S IT. I felt like I got socks for Christmas instead of CHA CHA HEELS LIKE I WANTED! Damn you Star Magazine--damn you to hell! Sure, she mentions that she hasn't had sex in four and a half years (and Star kindly calls her "sex-starved"), but really. This is false advertising! Because actually the article wasn't even about sex at all--or even fatness! It was all about Kirstie being tempermental on the set of her show "Fat Actress," being moody and two-faced and whatnot. BORING. They do, however, mention that in one scene, she gives Kid Rock a lap dance to "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sadly, they also report that Kirstie has lost sixteen pounds out of concern for her health (and snark that "it's barely a dent") and is set to write a book called "How To Lose Your Ass and Regain Your Life," which is a sad, sad title for a book--can't one have both? Can't one?

I'm sure Star was just trying to bask a little in the reflected glow of the Great Kirstie Alley Possum-Nursing Story of 2004, but the whole thing makes me feel dirty--and used. Used, I say! J'accuse, Star Magazine. J'accuse!

There were some ok things, though, in the rest of the magazine, I have to admit. A detailed four-page blow-by-blow account of Star Jones wedding to her possibly gay husband Al Reynolds and a claim (by "sources") that Britney Spears is 8 weeks pregnant with a giant Cheeto. (They also include her "Honeymoon Poem" in its entirety; a sample verse: "A meal, a shower and some ice cream, Then I throw my man down, you know what I mean!")

But here we go again: A great-headlined/not-so-great actual story: "18-Year-Old Lindsay Lohan Goes Berserk Over Wilmer Bust Up"--turns out she called up a friend crying and screaming after he dumped her. THAT'S "berserk"? If you want "berserk" my friends, look to the example of an old pro like Ms. Liza Minelli, currently being sued by her freakish gay ex-husband for spousal abuse AND by her ex-assistant for battery and sexual slavery (I assume it was slavery; what other kind could there be when you're with Liza with a Z? Hey, I just made a rhyme, like Britney!) Or take a gander at Mariah Carey, who had a full-on mental breakdown on national television, babbling inchoherently and taking off all her clothes? Even Naomi "I Never Met An Assistant I Couldn't Beat Up" Campbell was more out of control than lil' ol amateur Lindsay Lohan. "Berserk." Harrumph.

Sure, I complain, but it's out of love, Star Magazine, LOVE! Now get back to doing the good trashtastic non-news I can actually use.

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