Wednesday, November 24, 2004

In honor of tomorrow's holiday, here are My Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For:

1.) I am not Naomi Campbell's personal assistant.

2.) I am not Kirstie Alley's lactating publicist.

3.) I have not been married to Liza Minelli, nor have I ever been her assistant/chauffeur; ergo, I have never had to be her physically-abused sex slave.

4.) I have never lip-synched on a national live television show, freaked-out, done a crazy jig, left the stage, blamed my band, blamed acid-reflux disease, blamed my drummer (again), took refuge behind my stage dad, and then tried to get back onto the show at a later date to showcase my awesome "voice."

5.) I have never had a giant, surgery-scarred boob fall out of my dress on the red carpet at P. Diddy's Birthday Bash.

6.) I have never had to converse with Paris Hilton, and god willing, I never will.

7.) My mom is awesome and is not Courtney Love. Nor is she Anna-Nicole Smith.

8.) I am not Nicole Kidman, so I have never had to be Tom Cruise's beard, kiss Lenny Kravitz or Steve Bing, inject Botox into every pore on my body, look like Mary, Queen of Scots, or speak with an Australian accent.

9.) I have many great and wonderful friends, none of whom are Bijou Philips.

10.) I am not carrying the fruit of Kevin Federline's loins in my Cheeto-filled belly.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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