Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Jeez, I get a little touch of food poisoning and the whole celebrity world goes crazy! First of all, Rodney Dangerfield and Janet Leigh: RIP. I hope Rodney gets some respect in the Big Room Upstairs. Janet Leigh: You were fabulous in "Psycho," "The Manchurian Candidate" and "Touch of Evil," plus I'm sure lots of other movies I haven't seen. Also, you gave birth to possible hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis. Rodney and Janet: You shall both be missed. A moment of silence, please...

OK, we're back! In MUCH less somber non-news, we had yet ANOTHER temper tantrum from Dame Elton John, yippee! This time her wrath was aimed at Madonna--DOUBLE yippee!! It seems Elton has taken umbrage with Esther's habit of lip-synching at her concerts. Now we get word that Madge's bestest friend Rupert Everett has come to her defense by calling Elton "bossy and cranky" which is a little like calling him "a flamboyant piano player"--thanks for the hot tip, Rupert! The IMDB reports:

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Any excuse to put up a funny picture of Elton John!

"Rupert Everett has accused Sir Elton John of being "bossy and cranky" after he criticized his pal Madonna for lip-synching on her Re-invention world tour. The British actor became close friends with Madonna when the pair teamed up in film flop The Next Best Thing and he has stepped in to defend her after Elton attacked the singer during the Q Awards ceremony in London. Bitchy Elton slammed Madonna for charging fans upwards of £75 to see her perform and then lip-synching certain songs - criticism Everett has taken to heart. He fires back, 'I don't understand what he's got against her because this is the second time he's stuck into her a bit. That seems really unfair to me. Listen, any singer who dances all the time, you don't have the breath to sing all the time. Everyone knows that. It's unfair to make it a point. If you do a heavy dance routine, at some point you're going to do a bit of lip-synch. But everybody does that. Madonna sings everything she can sing but, if she goes into a dance routine, she's got to dance; you can't breathe and dance and sing at the same time. She doesn't lip-synch her whole performance. I bet Elton has lip-synched moments of his performance, even though he's at a piano all the time. He's very bossy these days, I think. I mean he's lovely but he's a bit bossy and he does seem a bit cranky.'

When did Rupert Everett get so whiney and long-winded? Blah, blah, yadda, yadda, YADDA. We get it! It is SO hard to be Madonna! And oooh, I bet she is PISSED that Rupert insists she HAS to take breaks from singing so she can dance her heart out onstage--she just paid her publicist to say that she has done NO LIP-SYNCHING on this tour!!!Plus the implication is that she is not FIT enough to do sing and dance at the same time! OOOOH!

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Any excuse to put up a funny picture of Rupert Everett!

As long as we're dealing with Brits (and wannabe Brits), how about some good old-fashioned mud-slinging amongst erstwhile English roses? Someone named Sienna Guillory is talking major trash about Kate Beckinsale!! I don't know who you are, but Sienna Guillory, I think you have a glorious future ahead of you! You have won me over with your sizzling talent--at hurling insults! WENN says:

"'Resident Evil: Apocalypse' beauty Sienna Guillory is dishing dirt on fellow British actress Kate Beckinsale. 'In Hollywood, women hate each other,' Guillory is quoted on 'Everyone is so bitchy, and they don't want younger actresses coming in and taking their roles. You only have to look at what it's done to Kate Beckinsale. She used be cool. Now I've heard she's got a clause in her contract saying that she can't be filmed bending over at more than a 45-degree angle because her boob implants slide up onto her collar bone.' Beckinsale's agent Jane Brand shot back, 'Kate has no such clause in her contracts and she has categorically not had breast implants.'

Well, let's examine the evidence shall we?

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I'm fairly certain that anything more than a 45-degree angle would KILL this lady. She would suffocate in her own cleavage, and would have to try and find what little oxygen she could in the troughs of those stretch marks that the implants left behind. The ones she has "categorically" not had, that is.

Over here across the pond, we are all gearing up for Martha Stewart to start her prison term. Now, I'm not one of those people who is gleeful that Martha has to go to jail. But SOME people are quite giddy at the prospect of Martha losing her freedom, not to mention her oft-discussed dignity...such as Richard "Dick" Johnson, who breathlessly reports on one of the procedures Martha will have to endure:

"Martha Stewart will get her first taste of prison life with a humiliating strip search — including a nude squat-and-cough in front of a female guard, jailhouse sources said. All new inmates to the Alderson, W. Va., prison known as Camp Cupcake get the same exam, done by a guard wearing latex gloves. To prove they're not hiding contraband, the jailbirds must lift their breasts, crouch low with their legs spread and cough. "They also make you hold your arms out and look in your mouth and under your tongue," a recently released inmate told The Post's Brad Hamilton. Stewart must report to the prison by Friday to begin her five-month stint for lying about an insider stock sale."

Poor Martha. I feel bad for her and all these salacious prison stories. However, I am not above finding and posting a picture that SORT OF suggests the position she will soon have to assume:

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Albeit without the big smile, I'm sure.

From the realm of the totally absurd we have this report about the trials and tribulations of getting the "kama sutra of puppet sex scenes" passed by the film ratings board. Yes, Trey Stone and Matt Parker had to cut much of their beloved sex scenes--including a golden shower--from their new puppet movie "Team America." When will the censorship EVER STOP in this country? WHEN? Why is my god-given right to see puppet porn being eroded at every turn by the totalitarian state called AMERIKA? WHY?

Here's more from CNN:

"Hollywood's film ratings board reached accord with producers Tuesday over how much puppet sex moviegoers under age 17 are allowed to see in an upcoming action-thriller spoof starring a cast of marionettes.

'Team America: World Police' received an R rating from the Motion Picture Association of America after producers made several changes to the film to avoid the more restrictive NC-17 label, officials from the MPAA and distributor Paramount Pictures confirmed...

As initially submitted to the MPAA for review, the film drew a proposed adults-only rating of NC-17, which bars admission to anyone aged 17 or younger in the United States and has long been regarded as box office poison by movie exhibitors...

According to the Los Angeles Times, the MPAA board and the film's producers were at odds over a scene that depicts simulated sex between the wooden marionettes.

Producer Scott Rudin told the Times that at least nine variations of the scene in question were submitted, each one progressively less explicit, before the MPAA ultimately relented and approved with an R rating.

"There's nothing we're asking for that hasn't appeared in other R-rated movies, and our characters are made of wood," Rudin told the newspaper...

Parker told the newspaper he was surprised that the MPAA seemed more concerned with sex than violence in his film, which he said includes scenes in which a puppet likeness of actor Tim Robbins is set on fire and a Susan Sarandon puppet is dropped from a high-rise building.'"

Sorry, I can't help but giggle at the idea of setting a Tim Robbins puppet on fire. I like him and Susan Sarandon, and agree with their political stances (cringe-inducing as they may be) but they are RIPE for marionette parody. I'm still pissed they edited the sex scenes, but I'm sure the NC-17 DVD will be available at some point. Sigh. Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose...

And, finally, it wouldn't be Wednesday if we didn't have a little somethin' somethin' about the Olsen Twins. This time, we get an in-depth analysis by Moby, thanks to Page Six:

"No less an authority on popular culture than Moby took a moment Monday night at the "Now Art Now" 2004 Whitney Gala to share his ruminations on newly minted New York University students Mary-Kate and Ashley.

'As far as the whole current crop of shallow, disposable celebrities, the Olsen twins are the only ones who hold my attention for more than five minutes,' the chrome-domed electronica star told Lowdown. 'Just the fact that they're rampantly self-medicating seems so interesting.' He added: 'There's something about them that just seems - not to be melodramatic - but they almost have this desperate, Shakespearean, tragic quality to them.'

Wait, there's more: 'It's the combination of bizarre adolescent success combined with the fact that they don't seem dumb. Almost every other celebrity under the age of 23 seems like a half-wit.'

Yesterday, the twins' publicist, Michael Pagnotta, offered this response:

'That's his evaluation from the outside and that's his opinion and that's okay...Maybe what he means is that he feels medicated by them.'

But Pagnotta added: 'Those are really interesting observations considering that he doesn't know Mary-Kate and Ashley. It seems like he's really .given it a lot of thought. Maybe a little too much.'

Yeeesssss, a little too much. I, for one, feel medicated by the Olsen twins ALL THE TIME. They put me into a deep, deep slumber. Especially the fat one.

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However, I am not blind to their tragic, Shakespearean quality.

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