Friday, October 08, 2004

First up: Matt LeBlanc wants the world to know that he couldn't be LESS gay. No, there is no one on Earth LESS gay than him. How not gay is he? Let him count the ways: Um, let's see, he's straight, he hasn't had sex with men EVER, he's straight, he's not bisexual, he's not gay, he loves women, women, and only women, and--oh, yeah!--he's straight. Why, he is SO not gay, he even has a wife and child to prove it! The IMDB has further insight into LeBlanc's non-gaydom:

"Former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is fighting allegations he once hired a chauffeur to set him up with backseat gay sex trysts, by insisting he has never had sex with a man. LeBlanc is furious with former driver Damian Plumleigh after the chauffeur took his story to American tabloid National Enquirer and even passed a lie detector test as he revealed all about the actor's alleged seedy past. LeBlanc insists he doesn't care what the results of a polygraph test were - Plumleigh is a liar. The actor, who is a happily married father and stepfather, fumes, "I have never asked to be set up with gay hustlers. It's absolutely not true. I am not bisexual. I am not gay. I have never had sex with men. Setting the record straight is not only important because of me and my life, but also because of my family." The outraged star insists even Plumleigh's claims he used to work for the actor are untrue. He adds, 'Plumleigh drove me on a few occasions. When he says he hooked me up for gay sex, it's a 100 percent lie. He worked for the company that Warner Brothers used. He was part of a hired limo service. He was not employed by me. I was uncomfortable with him so I stopped using him.'"

Uh, Matt, ever heard the phrase "he doth protest too much?" The more you say you're not gay, the gayer you sound! And going on an "I am SO not gay" rant just adds fuel to the fire! You might as well be sippin' Perrier! Put on a dress, why don't you! The chauffeur is telling a "100 percent lie?" That sounds JUST LIKE O.J.'s "absolutely 100 percent" not guilty plea! You are digging your own gay grave, Matt LeBlanc! Just lay low, man. Keep your mouth shut, take the beard wife and kid for a stroll, and lay off the hustlers for a while, and everything will be kopacetic again. Maybe.

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The lead story in today's Page Six column is Lindsay Lohan's lowlife dad lashing out at the "lowlifes" who surround his daughter. Who, unlike him, don't have restraining orders out against them on two coasts (I'm assuming):

"Michael Lohan — the disputatious dad of Lindsay Lohan — says his reputation is being unfairly destroyed by the "lowlifes" living off his daughter.

'Her friends are parasites and I said so, so they scorn me,' Lohan told PAGE SIX yesterday after appearing in Nassau County Supreme Court on charges he assaulted his brother-in-law last May. 'They're trying to put a wedge between me and my daughter.'

Lohan — who agreed to enter drug and alcohol rehab within the next three weeks to avoid jail time — said, 'I don't have a drinking problem.'

He said his relationship with Lindsay is fine: 'We love each other. But the people around her are lowlifes. It's all dese, dem or dose. I have tapes you won't believe, and I'll release them at the proper time.'

Lohan blames Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, for spreading rumors that he's an out-of-control alcoholic with anger-management issues. 'Leslie Sloane is a phony,' Lohan said. 'We don't like each other one bit.' Zelnick declined to comment.

He gave a detailed account of the night two weeks ago when he 'happened to be passing by' and saw his wife, Dina, the mother of his four children and manager of Lindsay's career, coming out of her Midtown office at 2 p.m. He followed her to Cipriani.

'I wanted to talk to her about the kids, but she wouldn't stop,' Lohan recalled. 'I talked to the maitre d' and told him, 'Don't let her drink. She drove here.' "

When she wasn't at the family home in Baldwin, L.I., by 9 p.m., Lohan said, 'I called her on the cellphone and she was sloshed. I thought the kids were with her, so I called the cops.'

Dina arrived home an hour later and Michael pulled into the driveway behind her. 'She tried to jump the curb and nearly ran me over,' Lohan said. 'Dina's assistant, Ann Occhupinti, got out of the car and said, 'You want a piece of me?' She's 200-plus pounds. She's bigger than me. I backed away.'

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Lohan, who filed a complaint of reckless endangerment with Nassau County cops, said by the time the police came to give Dina a Breathalyzer, 'she was already at her mother's place. She was hiding from the police.

'My lawyer, Dominic Barbara, and Nassau Asst. DA Barbara Kornblau have been fantastic in getting to the bottom of this.'

Det. Robert Pescitelli confirmed, 'It's an open case that's being investigated.'"

Jeez, this guy is totally creeping me out! He's stalking his ex-wife, beating up his brother-in-law, TAPING his daughter and her friends, refusing to admit he's an alcoholic, accusing EVERYONE ELSE of being an alocholic, and is just a huge nutball all the way around. Poor Lindsay! No wonder she hangs out with Tara Reid! She has to drink and party and get boobjobs and whatnot to take the pain away!

Dick Johnson also reports that psychotic Amazon from hell Naomi Campbell may have to kick some serious American ass very soon:

"Is Usher stepping out on his new gal pal, Naomi Campbell? Our loose-lipped tipster says the pop superstar may still have feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Chilli, who dumped him after she discovered he was cheating on her. A source on tour with Usher tells us that at a recent gig in North Carolina, the studly singer enjoyed a steamy reunion with her. 'He rushed off stage at the end of one show, wrapped his arms around Chilli who was waiting in the wings, and gave her a long, lingering kiss,' we're told. A rep for Usher said, 'That is not true.'"

Yeah, you better deny that shit, Usher, or Naomi Campbell will commence to beating both you AND Chilli about the face and head with a cell phone! She is the Black Widow Spider! Run for your lives! AAAAAAAAH!

And, finally, we have another installment of "Shut Your Face Gwyneth 'Flapjacks' Paltrow" from the IMDB:

"Gwyneth Paltrow refuses to interfere with her husband Chris Martin's band Coldplay, because she's scared of becoming his 'Yoko Ono'. The actress can sing, and even performed in the 2000 movie Duets, but she fears if their careers cross paths it could cause problems within the band and their marriage. Paltrow says, 'People ask if I will sing with the band or do a duet, but always in the front of my mind is the Yoko effect. I don't want to be known as the girl who split up Coldplay. Music is one area that he doesn't give me advice on because that's starting to encroach on each other's career. The sure way for a marriage to start hitting problems is when you start sharing careers as well. We have an understanding that our careers must be kept apart.'"

God, I don't even know where to begin. First of all, Coldplay is to the Beatles what Billy Ray Cyrus is to Johnny Cash. So shut up, Gwyneth! Secondly, you are totally already a Yoko. Everyone hates you, especially Coldplay fans, whoever they might be. So shut up, Gwyneth! And lastly, JUST SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!! AAAAAAAH! (If you could see me now, I've officially collapsed to the floor in a temper tantrum.) I. Hate. Her. So. Much.

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