Thursday, October 07, 2004

America's Next Top Model: Episode 3.

In this installment, we have a LOT of tears, naturellement. First up, the wannabe models have to get makeovers, and the crying starts before one hair has been cut. Some of the girls fall to the floor in pre-makeover angst, agonizing over the loss of follicular length. Tears, tears, and more tears! There is wailing, keening, and sobbing. Then some more wailing. THEN the makeovers begin. MORE TEARS. Except for one or two notable exceptions: Amanda, the Blind Girl, gets her long mousy hair dyed a truly hideous shade of yellowy/orangey blonde, and she is suddenly transformed from baby-talking hipppie mom Blind Girl into Blind Diva Bitch! She falls in love with herself before our very eyes and starts vogueing and striking poses for no apparent reason, and tells the camera that the other girls have noted her "boost in self confidence" and don't like it one bit.

Brace Face gets her braces taken off--but there was nary a mention of whether she SHOULD have them taken off--they just yanked them outta there and sent her on her merry way. There was some talk of a retainer, but still...Oh, and Kelle gets a weave.

Then the girls have to have their "Beauty Portrait" taken, which means a close-up face shot with NO MAKEUP! YaYa, my favorite wannabe model, starts to freak out because she has pimples on her forehead. Earlier they had taken her to a dermatologist who did unspeakable things to her face, and it was so sad because she said it was the first time she'd ever gotten to go to one. Aww, YaYa! She actually thought the Beauty Portrait was a personal attack on her and her skin condition, but I have it on good authority that they do one every season. Each girl was given a makeup lesson by Mr. Jay--relentlessly hawking Cover Girl cosmetics ad nauseum--and then had her au naturelle no-makeup picture taken. Odd.

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YaYa's Beauty Portrait!

In the mean time, mucho DRAMA is building around the Oklahoma Stripper, who apparently never eats. Ever. There are lots of shots of her ordering Diet Coke after Diet Coke, and handing off a potato at dinner ("I haven't had a potato since I was a baby") and the other girls talking on-camera and to each other about her potential eating disorder. THEN Oklahoma Stripper makes the fatal mistake of telling Blind Diva Bitch that she "used to be" bulemic--in STRICTEST CONFIDENCE, of course. Naturally, Blind Diva Bitch goes running to anyone who will listen and tells them of Oklahoma Stripper's terrible secret. There is one scene where two or three of the girls are standing around discussing this, and Oklahoma Stripper is laying on a couch, eavesdropping! Everyone finds out that Blind Diva Bitch is a big blabbermouth snitch, and so she goes into a shame spiral, sobbing on the phone to her mother that she "did a bad thing" and everyone rightfully hates her guts. She fails to mention the complete personality change brought about by her hideous blonde makeover. Finally, Oklahoma Stripper confronts the group en masse and tells them that she "can't even remember the last time" she threw up, and that her bulimia is merely a thing of the past, and to stop talking about her. A lot of "once a bulemic, always a bulemic" talk ensues.

Back to the competition! Mr. Jay introduces them to yet another Cover Girl spokesmodel, and together they tell the girls that they have to jump into a limo, fight over clothes and makeup, and whoever looks best when they arrive at a party in ten minutes wins a prize. The spokesmodel says that this is totally what a model's life is like. They all jump into the stretch SUV and literally dive over each other, pulling out clothes and cosmetics and trying not to poke their eyes out with eyeliner. Mr. Jay and the Cover Girl are waiting for them at an "industry" party, and the two judges take leave of their senses and pick Former Brace Face as the winner, and she picks her roomates as her co-winners. The winners get to put on fancy gowns and guzzle champagne and hobnob with the "industry" insiders. The rest of the gals have to put on caterer's uniforms and serve them hors d'ouvres! It turns out that one of the designers at the party is Indian, so Julie, the Indian Wannabe Model, does this whole "my mother is such a crazy Indian lady" schtick for him that is quite distasteful, especially since it is not even remotely funny. She also insists on commandeering the belly-dancing, much to my horror.

Finally, the girls are brought out in front of the panel of judges: Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake And I'm Perfect" Dickerson, English Dude, Tyra Banks, Guy With Dog on Velvet Pillow, and Makeup Guy With Walrus Mustache. They tell the girls to go back and make up half their faces with a daytime, natural look and the other half with a dramatic, night-time look. Do models EVER have to do their own make up? I'm just asking. When they return, lookin' freaaaaaky, each girl has to come up and have their Beauty Portrait evaluated. Tyra makes a big speech about how much re-touching a model needs can make or break her career--advertisers hate to pay for touch-ups, so the less you need the better. Things are looking ominous for YaYa! OMG. Anyway, they do this thing where they show a picture with and without retouching--with White Girl on The Inside Kelle, Janice Dickerson was cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West as she went back and forth with her face. It WAS rather horrifying. Then Tyra makes some negative comment about Kelle's photo and that's when Kelle makes her BIG MISTAKE!!!She says the photographer must have chosen a bad picture, because people tell her all the time what a pretty face she has!! Tyra is appalled. She will not have this. She goes into Fierce Tyra Mode and rips into Kelle, telling her that she needs to learn from whatever criticism is hurled at her AND to not blame others for her terrible Beauty Portrait, AND WORST OF ALL says that Kelle isn't "growing." (Although, with the weave, her hair most certainly is. But I digress.) Models have to GROW, people! When will they learn? WHEN?

After all the build-up, YaYa's trial-by-fire is pretty tame, thank god. Go YaYa, go! The next big drama comes with Julie, the Indian Wannabe Model. Janice asks her what she wants out of this whole experience, and like a fool she answers that she wants to learn about the fashion business so she can eventually go into clothing manufacturing!! Oh, no she di'nt! Well, the judges were simply FLOORED. It was like she had taken a big dump right in front of their table! They could not believe that being a model was not her number one career goal, her dream of dreams, her heart's one desire. Oooh, she goofed BIG time! Never tell the TRUTH, you idiot! Especially to a man with a dog on a velvet pillow!

They send the girls away and the real critiques begin. We hear Janice talk about how she feels about "plus size" girls wearing couture (HATES IT!), and hear her call Former Brace Face a "parakeet." (Giggle, giggle.)

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Parakeet or supermodel? You decide!

For some unknown reason, they ALL adore Blind Diva Bitch and think she is "stunning." Have they been hypnotized by her almost-unseeing eyes? Is she a Blind Witch, too? She's starting to scare me. Much discussion ensues about Kelle's lack of growth as a human being and a model, and Indian Julie's wanting to be in manufacturing. The girls are brought back out. Oooh, the tension!

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Don't look into the eyes! DON'T LOOK INTO THE EYES!!!AAAAAAH!

So of course the final two are Kelle and Julie. They both get stern lectures from Tyra. They are told that they had the worst two Beauty Portraits in the bunch. Kelle is, of course, berated for not growing. Julie is harangued for wanting to make clothes, not model them. In the end, the one that is cut from the show is...Julie! She laments to the camera, as she is packing her bags, that this is the first time she had told the truth and it blew up in her face...suggesting that she is some kind of pathological liar...huh? Wha? In the mean time, Kelle parrots back Tyra's words that she "can do better," much to Tyra's approval.

Next Week: The girls have to learn runway walking from Miss J, who seems to be wearing a flour sack dress and Little Orphan Annie headbow. There is potential for much falling-down, especially from Blind Diva Bitch! I can't wait!

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