Saturday, October 02, 2004

Ah, yes, the all-knowing and all-seeing Felt Uppette was once again proved correct: The new Us Weekly has a statement from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's people about the state of their marriage, after reports that they were about to break up: "Those reports are not true. They are as much in love as ever and are truly committed to their marriage and their relationship." Yadda, yadda, blah blah. Next up: Holy, sacred marriage renewal vows with film crew in tow!

On the cover: Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz: "Why He Won't Marry Her." I'm going to go out on a limb here....because he's 23 years old? The article says that his family thinks Cameron "parties too much and is too wild for him." There's also the fact that she doesn't particulaly want to get married. Oh. Well, good thing they put this "problem" of theirs on the cover.

Then there's one of my perennial favorite Us featurettes: Who is tall and who is small in Hollywood. (One year they actually did a comparison with Lord of the Ring hobbits. Ahh, the good old days.) They put pictures of a bunch of stars in a "line up" so you can compare them side by side. This time it's all females stars, DAMN. I LOVE knowing which male celebs are Munchkins (ANSWER: ALL OF THEM.) Mandy Moore is a giantess at 5' 10". She TOWERS over the tiny, tiny Olsen sisters in one hilarious sidebar photo. Hillary Duff, Lil' Kim, Nicole Richie, and Resse Witherspoon are practically midgets (5'2" and under.) Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, and Madonna are short-to-average. Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Julia Roberts, Mischa Barton, Rebecca Romijn, and Paris Hilton are on the tallish side (5'7-9"). Nicole Kidman and Uma Thurman are ginormous freaky Amazons. They also have a little sidebar on J. Lo and her vari-sized paramours; Ben Affleck was tallest at 6'3", while P. Diddy and Cris Judd were both 5'10", and naturally her troll husband Mark Anthony is a wee, wee 5'7", a scant inch taller than J. Lo herself.

Also interesting is the "Who's The Right Weight?" segment, in which deranged fomer chubbette Brittany Murphy claims she's "always trying to gain weight." Right, right; if by "trying to gain weight" you mean "sticking to a strict all cigarettes/no food speed freak diet" then you are correct, crazy lady. There are side-by-side pictures of Scarlett Johansson, Queen Latifah, and Nicole Kidman, with little quotes that are either about learning to love themselves the way they are (Queen Latifah says "It took me a while to the to the pont where I was comfortable with the rolls on my hips") or outright lying ("I've been like this since I was a little girl"--Nicole Kidman). There are also fun facts like Angelina Jolie (size 2) is too fat for sample clothes; the average model is 5'11" and weighs 117 pounds; and Selma Blair used to be a human toothpick.

But back to Brittany Murphy. Here's a little before and after to refresh your memory.

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Now, this next one will really show the great strides this courageous crazy lady has made with her weight-gaining regimine:

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Good work!

I want to mention too that throughout this issue--like 50 times--Us insists on referring to the recent Spears/Federline nuptials as a "wedding" or a "faux" wedding, which made me giggle. So did the "A-List Airport Style" section, which showed stars looking like slobs as they disembark from cross-Atlantic airplane rides.

Added bonus: Gael Garcia Bernal is the "Man of the Week." Swoon!

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