Friday, October 29, 2004

Just got the new Star, and of course, as promised, the cover screams: "Jessica Simpson's Husband Caught in CHEATING SCANDAL!" No new info, though, except that the bachelor party where all the action went down (as it were) started off at Hooters, naturellement. Also, the porn star and stripper began their live sex show at a nightclub, Nacional, before moving to the relative privacy of a sleazy L.A. music executive's home. Said music dude is shown in a side picture with Paris "P. Hole" Hilton and wearing an ultra-classy "got hos?" t-shirt. Well done, sir. A trifecta!

In other old non-news, Star does an in-depth investigation into the very lavish, totally free wedding of Star "Bridezilla" Jones. Her betrothed, Al Reynolds, was reportedly seen cavorting in a Speedo at a gay bar in NYC recently, according to Page Six, but Star Magazine doesn't go there, for some unknown reason. They DO dish some interesting details about the upcoming sacred, holy nuptials, however. Such as: Jones sent wedding ettiquette guides to her guests, which pissed them off no end. One guest griped, "Imagine getting a brouchure in the mail telling you how to dress, how to arrive and how to behave!" IMAGINE! Star Mag. quotes another guest saying that Star Jones is basically just tacky, because she "wants everyone to wear white to her wedding--the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, and the guests. Everyone knows only the bride wears white to a wedding!" Star Mag. crows that Star Jones will have a 125-foot train on her wedding gown (hee hee!) and has a $10,500 Tiffany tray on her bridal registry. As Molly Shannon's "joyologist" used to say on SNL--I LOVE IT! I love it, love it, love it, LOVE it!! (Legs kicking up in the air.) I LOVE IT!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Well, well, well. There seems to be futher evidence of trouble in paradise for America's favorite newlyweds. (When do they officially stop being "newlyweds" and start being merely married, huh? I guess about the time divorce proceedings begin!) The NY Post's "Dickie" Johnson is reporting--along with Star and the National Enquirer--that blissfully, sacredly married Nick Lachey cheated at a bachelor party for one of his friends who got married a few weeks ago:

"Jessica Simpson's husband, Nick Lachey, could be in hot water with his ditzy missus over published reports that he two-timed her with porn star Jessica Jaymes at a wild bachelor party.

Star magazine trumpets, "Jessica Simpson's Husband Caught in Cheating Scandal!" on its cover this week, and sister tabloid the National Enquirer chimes in with a story about Nick's X-rated exploits with Jaymes.

But only PAGE SIX talked to Jaymes about what really happened at the Oct. 12 bachelor bash for Nick's longtime pal, sound engineer Sean Sullivan, where Jaymes was hired to perform in a girl-on-girl sex show.

'I was hired to perform at a bachelor party,' Jaymes told us. 'And yes, Nick Lachey was there. I did a girl-on-girl show with another porn star, whose name I don't know. We brought over a lot of really cool vibrators and whipped cream and gear and stuff. There were toys used and naughty actions going on. Everyone had a really good time. That's really all I'm allowed to say.'

The racy romp took place at the Hollywood Hills home of Cody Leibel, owner of C-Note Records. Jaymes — who has starred in movies like "If These Hips Could Talk" — frolicked with the other woman on a rug in the living room. The porn star pair later moved upstairs to continue the fun in a bedroom in full view of Lachey and his pals.

'The guys are allowed to put money on me, and Nick put some money on me and that's about it,' Jaymes told The Post. 'I went home with my bodyguard later that night. Everything's been exaggerated.'

But Jaymes — whom porn potentate Larry Flynt will name the "Hustler Honey of the Year" at his Hustler Club on West 51st Street next month — may have caused more trouble for Lachey's two-year marriage than she'd like to admit.

As PAGE SIX first reported, Lachey, 30, and Simpson, 24, have feuded in recent months. The tension stems from the media scrutiny following the runaway success of their MTV show "Newlyweds" and, sources say, meddling by Simpson's pop svengali dad Joe Simpson, who also steers the career of her lip-synching sister, Ashlee."

Hee hee hee! OK. First of all, I don't necessarily define "cheating" as "witnessing two porn stars peform girl-on-girl action at a bachelor party," although it certainly straddles the line. IT IS, however, sleazy and gross and totally yucky. AND he is married to a girl who had a complete freakout on national television when he attended a party at the Playboy Mansion. The mere presence of Bunnies on the same property was enough to send Jessica into a jealous nervous breakdown...How did he EXPECT his wife to react to his witnessing, and possibly interacting with, a live sex show put on by the Hustler Honey of the Year? He was playing with FIRE, and he knew it. Maybe he was looking for a way out of his living, hellish nightmare--AKA his marriage. Maybe this is Nick Lachey's desperate cry for help!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

OMG! Keith Richards is going to play Johnny Depp's father in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel! The fop factor is going to be over the top! Yippee!

In other non-news, I have been following with great interest the Great Gay Dog Groomers Catfight of 2004, and now there are more developments. For those not in the know, a husband-and-husband team of NYC dog-groomers-to-the-stars got into a bit of a tiff this week and one of them stabbed the other with a pair of scissors. Now the NY Post's "Dick" Johnson reports that:

"The gay dog groomer accused of stabbing his lover with a scissors says the alleged victim actually abused him — biting him on the nose, face and scrotum and sending him to the emergency room three times in as many years.

Yesterday, The Post reported how celebrity dog groomer Howie Binder, co-owner of Doggie-Do & Pussycats, Too!, alleges that his lover and business partner, Larry Roth, attacked him with scissors during a violent spat.

But Roth's lawyer, Joel S. Walter, told PAGE SIX that Roth was defending himself. 'Howie is a biter,' Walter says. 'He bites Larry all over his body. Larry has had Howie arrested before. This time, Howie was literally choking him to death when Larry grabbed the scissors.'

Binder responded that he bit Roth only when the bigger man jumped on top of him. 'He is a 400-pound man, and I had to get him off me somehow,' said 160-pound Binder, who admitted he was arrested last year after hitting Roth with a cowboy boot.

The ex-couple's pet primping shop, which has groomed the dogs of J.Lo, P. Diddy and Janet Jackson, is still open for business with Binder at the helm, even though Roth is seeking to split the company's assets."

OK. First of all, I HAVE to figure out a way to incorporate the phrase "Howie is a biter" into my daily life. Secondly, how awesome is it that a dog-groomer is guilty of assault with a deadly cowboy boot? There is so much greatness in this tale--and yes, a little sadness, as well, like in all great love stories--that I don't even care that they are not famous. They have groomed the dogs and cats of the famous, so that is close enough for moi. However, I have one burning question: Who gets to keep the name "Doggie-Do and Pussycats, Too!"?

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Very sad to report that John Peel has died. Even though I mainly just read about him over the years in pursuit of my Anglophile music obsessions, he was a huge presence in my gloomy teen years, and his "Peel Sessions" recordings are important documents of some of the greatest bands ever. From CNN:

"Veteran British broadcaster John Peel has died while on holiday in Peru, the BBC and the British Embassy said Tuesday.

Peel, who discovered dozens of major bands during 40 years as a radio disc jockey, suffered a heart attack Monday night in the ancient Inca city of Cuzco, the BBC said.

Peel, 65, was on holiday with his wife, Sheila...

Peel became one of the UK's first pirate DJs, who broadcast from ships outside British waters in the 1960s. He later moved to Dallas, Texas, where he landed a job as a DJ on WRR radio.

He joined the BBC in 1967, becoming the longest-serving DJ on BBC Radio 1.

Peel was among the first DJs to play demo tapes by little-known bands --championing acts ranging from Jimi Hendrix to The Smiths, The Fall, Pulp and Northern Irish punks The Undertones.

He was a strong supporter of punk rock in the late 1970s, as well as reggae music. He also promoted hip-hop...

Peel is survived by his wife and four children."

"It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" will bring a sadness-tinged, bittersweet (nay, dare I say even a slightly DEPRESSING) nostalgia to your pre-Halloween festivities tonight on ABC, 8pm EST/7 Central. Sigh. Charlie Brown makes me cry. "Snoopy Come Home" nearly KILLED me. Although it was not as damaging as "Dumbo," "Bambi," or "Horton Hears A Who." (Sob!)
Lindsay Lohan is in the hospital for a "high fever." I didn't know you could get a fever from being high! Ha ha ha. If she turns out to have meningitis I will feel very badly indeed. My main concern, naturellement: What is Tara Reid going to do?...More on this important matter of great national urgency as information becomes available, so stay tuned.

In other non-news, after 1) blaming her band, 2) blaming a "computer glitch", and 3) blaming "acid reflux" (my personal favorite), Ashlee Simpson is finally blaming the right person--herself--for her "SNL" lip-sync meltdown. The IMDB says that:

"Ashlee Simpson has owned up to lip-syncing, following an embarrassing Saturday night slip-up on live TV...she now writes on her website that her voice was overworked. She says, 'I'll hold my head high and say I think it was silly of me to do it, silly of me to blame the band, I was just so f**king embarrassed. But I don't think it did me much harm, and people will see that soon.'"

Hee hee! Not "much harm" to your career? You are a laughing-stock and a pariah! The New York Post ran a headline that said "ASHLEE'S HALF-ACID LIP-SYNC EXCUSE!" Ha ha ha! Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Ashlee! Yeah, keep holding that parakeet head of yours high, you still have your incredible songwriting ability and great beauty to fall back on--NOT!

As a chanteuse myself, I have a lot of sympathy--for your listeners! I cannot IMAGINE using a "guide vocal" onstage, because besides having integrity--not to mention sizzling hot TALENT--I have seen "Dead Man's Curve: The Jan and Dean Story" (see earlier post) and I know what can happen! Lip-syncing is fraught with danger! At the very least you might get yelled at by Elton John, and who needs that?

The last line of the report if full of glee:

"The blunder has been all the more embarrassing for Simpson, because she recently expressed her disapproval of lip-syncing in an interview with Lucky magazine, explaining, 'I'm totally against it and offended by it. I'm going to let my real talent show, not just stand there and dance around. Personally, I'd never lip- sync. It's just not me.'"

SNORT! I just did a spit take! This girl is a RIOT. Was she put on Earth just to distract me from the election to keep from going insane with worry, to kind of put things into perspective?...Or is she just annoying? It's a very fine line indeed.

Apparently she performed at some awards show last night, sans lip-sync machine, and was screechy and awful and messed up the lyrics, according to Richard "Dick" Johnson. I LOVE IT!!! Somewhere Jessica S. is peeing her $800 panties with delight, I just KNOW IT.

Monday, October 25, 2004

The Ashlee Simpson Fiasco has become a full-blown internet feeding frenzy, and I couldn't be happier! Apparently you can get Ashlee-blowing-it-on-SNL icons, t-shirts, wallpaper, and, of course, little clips of her doing her Crazy Dance before running off the stage after 35 seconds.

I noticed some additions to the AP report about the incident, too, on CNN. I didn't realize that she and host Jude Law talked about it at the end of the show:

"'What can I say?' guest host Jude Law said with Simpson standing next to him at the end of the show. 'Live TV.'

'Exactly' Simpson said. 'I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do so I thought I'd do a hoe-down.'"

Damn, girl! Why do you have to musician-hate like that? I bet they were so PISSED.

Gossiplist.com is also reporting that on her official webpage, Ashlee posted the following in response to the plethora of nasty comments she got from her fans:

"Once I can get in contact with the webmaster, everythings getting
deleted. It doesn't matter anyway, there's too many important people behind my career to stop it now."

Whoa. Now, I don't know for ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that Ashlee really wrote that and posted it on her website, but then I also don't know for absoulute certainty that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct, but I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT ANYWAY!!! Ha ha ha, hee hee hee. If she did, indeed, write that statement, she is truly an egomaniacal monster and should be locked in a cage at Nick-n-Jessica's and NEVER LET OUT AGAIN. Actually, she should be locked up anyway just to make sure she never sings that godawful "Pieces of Me" ever again. In case she does try to sing it again, I've written some new lyrics for her that should be quite helpful:


On a Friday I am synching
By Saturday I am fleeing
Off the stage
Cause I can't sing

That's totally FREE AND GRATIS little lady. This is PURE GOLD I'm giving away, but that's just the kind of person I am. I'm a giver!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Well, I missed out on the greatest thing EVER: Ashlee Simpson's lip synching machine went totally haywire during her "Saturday Night Live" performance and it was so bad that she apparently did some weird jig and then LEFT THE STAGE!!! Here's more, courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

"Singer Ashlee Simpson's "extra help" may have been exposed when a "Saturday Night Live" audience heard her voice -- singing the wrong song -- while she held a microphone at her waist.
Her record company blamed a computer glitch and she blamed her band for Sunday morning's incident, which cut off her planned performance of the song "Autobiography."

She had performed her hit single "Pieces of Me" without incident earlier on the network comedy show. When she came back a second time, her band started playing and the first lines of her singing "Pieces of Me" could be heard again.

Simpson made some exaggerated dance moves, then walked off the stage 35 seconds into the performance. NBC quickly cut to a commercial."

Hee hee, ha ha! AWESOME. Sadly, this was probably the funniest thing that will happen on "SNL" all season. I like that she blamed the band. I bet they LOVE her for that. Man, I wish I had seen this. It's just like that scene from the made-for-tv movie "Dead Man's Curve: The Jan and Dean Story," where Dean has to lip-synch, because he's like, brain damaged from a car accident, and then his tape machine screws up and the audience--who are supposed to be his fans--BOO him and he has to tell them the truth and you could hear a pin drop, it was sooooooo dramatic. Or like the Milli Vanilli thing. Take your pick.

I wonder if Jessica is really sad for her sister or if she is secretly THRILLED. I'm pretty sure I already know the answer...

Friday, October 22, 2004

I never thought I would say this, but I think I may semi-sort-of want to see the new Pauly Shore movie. Before I scurry down a shame spiral, let me say in my defense that a) I went to high school very briefly with him and b) the review of "Pauly Shore Is Dead" from the Alamo Drafthouse website includes the following tidbit:

"He scores drugs in an alley from Corey Feldman, Todd Bridges tries to give him career advice, fellow comedian Carrot Top usurps his palatial home when he can’t afford the payments, and even hookers won’t have sex with him."

See? See? At the very least it sounds intriguing...Also I have a friend--a girl--who is entering the Pauly Shore Lookalike Contest. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I am kinda maybe leaning towards going. It can't be any worse than "Bio Dome" can it? CAN IT?

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Richard "Dick" Johnson (who gets dickier by the day with his anti-Kerry "gossip") has a complicated story about Jay-Z and his former business partner Damon Dash, blah blah blah music biz yadda yadda. Johnson also mentions that Jay-Z is about to launch his own cognac. But THIS wee little sentence caught my eye:

"Jay-Z's cognac will have some competition from Roc-A-Fella rapper Cam'ron, who told Women's Wear Daily he's also launching a cognac: 'It's called Sizzurp. You know, like, syrup with an izzurp.'"

I HAD always heard that the finest cognacs in the world come from the Izzurp region of France. All I can say is AWESOME.

Maybe from now on everything I say will have an "izzurp" added on. Feltizzurp Upizzurp willizzurp neverizzurp bizzurp thizzurp samizzurp!
Today your humble Felt Up blogette is going to dwell on matters theological. To wit: Does God exist, and if so, how do we know? Well, this headline from the IMDB gives me reason to believe, that's for sure:

"Renee Shelves Joplin Film"

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halleeeeeeeeeeeeluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuluuuuuuuuuuuuuujah! (Shafth of light comes through ceiling, illuminates iMAc):

"Renee Zellweger's planned Janis Joplin biopic has been shelved because producers can't decide on a script. The Cold Mountain star is still desperate to star as the tragic rock singer, but she admits the project isn't likely to roll in the near future. She says, 'We talked about that a couple of years ago, developing a script and seeing if it is good enough. She is an exceptional woman and it needs to be an exceptional script to tell her story in a responsible way to have her story told the way it needs to be told. And that takes time. If I am ultimately the person to do it, then great. We are in the stage of developing it and pulling it together. For now, I've got no start date and I am not getting in a make-up chair any time soon.'"

Whew, we really dodged a bullet with that one. But...wait...oh NO. Oh, it can't be. The final sentence rupudiates all that is good and decent in the world:

"A rival project, starring pop superstar Pink as Joplin, is also in the works."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(Slow motion shot of me collapsing to floor, shaking fist at the sky, sobbing.)

Guess I spoke too soon about that God thing. Hell.

On the other hand, maybe He does exist and He has a sassy sense of humor. THIS headline, also from the IMDB gossip page, sure seems like proof:

"Lohan's Dad Plans Reality Show"

YES! I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing (sexy thing)? Sorry, I can't resist quoting Hot Chocolate, even if it doesn't make a whole lot of LITERAL sense. Back to the story already in progress:

"Teenage actress Lindsay Lohan is furious her estranged father Michael is planning a reality show about his scandalous life, pals claim. The Freaky Friday star's dad decided his life was interesting enough for a show, after he was accused of running over Lohan's mother and was forced to enter a drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre. He is now in talks with his lawyer and a private investigator to get his own fly-on- the-wall TV series. Lohan's close friend says, 'She's worried he'll embarrass her with his unpredictable antics.'"

Uh, DUH, Lindsay. If by "unpredictable antics" you mean "stalking your mother, being a loud, controlling, obnoxious drunk all the time, and punching your uncle," then YES you are going to be embarrassed. Better call Tara Reid for some tea and sympathy RIGHT AWAY!

The theological questions raised today will never be solved. We are mere mortals and can never know the true meaning of divinity. But maybe if we try the
Kabbalah...

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Just bits and pieces today. I think with all the real news going on, the non-news is starting to suffer. Without the Olsens, Courtney Love, and P Hole there would be NOTHING. I think I may go to hell for that last sentence. Damn.

Anyway, here's your Olsen fix for the day. The IMDB reports that:

"Troubled actress Mary-Kate Olsen is allegedly furious with her twin sister Ashley Olsen for trashing their luxurious New York apartment. The New York Minute stars paid a staggering $7.3 million to live in the enormous penthouse while they study at university, but Ashley has already made their home look like a regular student dormitory, reports Britain's Star magazine. An insider says, 'It sounded like her twin sister is already messing up their brand new apartment and she's really tired of her sloppy ways.'"

Well, DUH. What does MK expect from a fat slob like Ashley? The Starbucks cups alone probably take up most of the penthouse.

And from the "I Am Liking Wynonna Judd More and More Every Day--In Direct Proportion to My Intense Personal Hatred of Ashley Judd" file:

"Country superstar Wynonna Judd has infuriated her Christian fans by planning a performance on a lesbian cruise. The singer has been inundated with angry emails from The Traditional Values Coalition threatening to boycott her future concerts unless she cancels her engagement to sing on a Caribbean cruise ship next year. The cruise is sponsored by Olivia, which is 'a company dedicated to providing high quality, safe vacations for lesbian travelers,' according to its website. The Traditional Values Coalition says, 'It conflicts with her professed Christian faith and suggests Judd has been misled by the mainstream media on the origins of same-sex attractions and the self-destructive results of such attractions. We urge her to study what the Bible says in both the Old and New Testaments about homosexuality…to learn how faith in Christ has set men and women free from bondage to this life-controlling condition.'"

Hmmmm....I wonder if the cruise goes to the isle of Lesbos? What goes ON? I mean, besides the obvious. I guess every dance would be "Sadie Hawkins Night." Are lesbian cruises more fun than regular cruises? Is the food better? I'm just curious about what a "high quality" vacation means for the lesbian traveller...although I think a gay male Cruisin' Cruise would probably be better times, if perhaps less welcoming of the single female vacationer.

But I digress. Wynonna just gets more and more awesome. First she talked openly and frankly with Oprah about her battles with being overweight and the living nightmare of being Ashley's sister and Naomi's daughter. And now THIS! Hee HAW! Anyone who riles up something called The Traditional Values Coalition is A-OK by moi.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Not much non-news today, I'm afraid. Controversy continues to RAGE over Mary-Kate Olsen possbily dropping out of NYU and returning to LA faster than a "New York Minute"--no one seems to know if she's "taking care of personal business" or "puttin'on the red ana pride bracelet again." Is she coming back to school? Does anyone really care? Only time will tell. The fat one is apparently thrilled to be rid of the skinny one, though. She's GOTTA be one tiny, Munchkin-sized pain in the ass.

Speaking of fat, the IMDB reports that:

"Britney Spears has reportedly used a two-year-old photograph on the cover of her new greatest hits album - because she's unhappy with the way she looks now. According to sources, Spears' head was airbrushed over an old body shot for the front of her Greatest Hits: My Prerogative CD."

Hee hee!

And finally, Carlson Tucker of "Crossfire" simply WILL NOT drop the whole Jon-Stewart-made-a-fool-of-me-on-my-own-show debacle. He actually called up Richard "Dick" Johnson to rant SOME MORE, four whole days later:

"CNN's Tucker Carlson is still swatting at "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart in the wake of their angry on-air clash on "Crossfire" Friday night.

The conservative commentator yesterday described Stewart's behavior as "bizarre" on the program — during which a stone-cold serious Stewart bashed "Crossfire," called Carlson a "d- -k" and made fun of his trademark bow tie.

What's more, Stewart stayed an hour and a half after taping ended to continue haranguing Carlson and co-host Paul Begala. Eventually, a CNN director said Stewart had to leave the set, which was to be used for a taping of "Anderson Cooper 360."

After the show was over, "I gave him my cellphone and said, 'Call me any time when you wanna talk about how evil we are,' " Carlson told PAGE SIX. "But then he was waiting back in the green room. He was sitting back there telling us how we were destroying civic life in this country and how bad we are. I had dinner reservations so I finally split, but he stayed there lecturing Begala and our producers.

"It was like a really bad freshman survey course," Carlson fumed. "Just one long lecture. Not a single joke was told. People just don't want to be who they are. Every actor wants to be a director. It's not good enough for Barbra Streisand to star in 'Yentl.' She has to be a foreign policy expert, too."

Carlson continued, "We've had a lot of hostile guests, but calling me a d- -k or making fun of my bow tie is not gonna rattle my cage. It's not like I haven't heard that before. I would think he would have had something more clever to say."

The trouble started on Friday's show when Stewart accused Carlson and Begala of "partisan hackery" and declared: "You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably."

Carlson fired back, "You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think." "You need to go to one," Stewart retorted.

Carlson complained that, for a comedian, Stewart wasn't being very funny. "Come on," he said. "Be funny." "No," Stewart snapped. "I'm not going to be your monkey."

Carlson chided Stewart — who recently said he will vote for John Kerry — for lobbing softball questions when the Democrat appeared on "The Daily Show" last month. Later, when Carlson told Stewart he was "more fun" on his Comedy Central show, Stewart retorted that Carlson was 'just as big of a d- -k" on 'Crossfire.'"

Wow, Carlson Tucker is not only a dick, but a dufus, a turd, a sore loser, a nincompoop, a jackass, AND a crybaby. Dude, you need to let this GO. The more you try and trash talk Jon Stewart, the more they will quote what he said, which IS ALL TRUE AND MAKES YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS. Shut your fat face and maybe this will all go away. I, for one, am really glad and grateful that Jon Stewart did what he did--and does what he does. He is a national treasure and my personal hero and I want to fly to NY and steal him away from his wife and child and have my own tiny, tiny kids with him. Actually, with the entire "Daily Show" cast. Including Samantha Bee.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Hey, this is my 250th post! I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible, I woudn't be where I am today without YOU! And a big shout out to the Supreme Being, of course. God Almighty. The Man Upstairs. Because, you know, without Mel Gibson in my life, all of this fame and success would have NO MEANING. (I keed, I keed. Is this mic on? Try the veal!)


Got the new Star today, and IT IS A DELIGHT! The cover is: "Hollywood Hair Disasters--They're Really, REALLY BAD" and there are (admittedly quite old) pictures of Cybil Shepard, Melanie Griffith, and Paris Hilton. Hurrah!

Inside, the article is artfully retitled "Hollywood Hairstyria!" and they add Howard Stern, Meg Ryan, Kelly Osbourne, William Baldwin, and Alan Cumming to the list of hair-don'ts. Then the next page has the celebs grouped by bad hairstyles. The Stragglers: Renee Zellweger, Julia Roberts, and Britney Spears. The Bang-Up Jobs (Bad Bangs): Elton John (naturellement), Matt "I'm Not Gay" LeBlanc, and Anthony Kiedis ("he looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy"--meow!). Big & Bad: Diana Ross, Kate Beckinsale, and Macy Gray (but of course.) Crazy Comb-overs: Sam Donaldson, Ted Koppel, and Donald Trump. Losing It!: Ted Danson (yawn! he's been bald FOREVER), Matt Lauer, Mel Gibson, Nicolas Cage (AKA Friar Tuck), Prince William (!), and poor Brendan Fraser who looks TERRIBLE!

Then Star outdoes itself with a snarky pictorial called "Seeing Double--Chins, That Is!" They put together a top-notch spread of unflattering photos of celebs--mainly from underneath, showcasing fleeting double chins. Helpfully, Star added little numbers by each chin to help the reader keep track. Featured are: Britney Spears ("Too many Cheetos equals too many chins"), Faith Hill (they are totally grasping at straws, she looks great), Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt (!), Kathie Lee Gifford (they accuse her of having "chin paunch"--hee hee!), Ashley Judd (they must have gone through thousands of pics to find this one), and Calista Flockhart ("Even this skinny-Minnie has some sags!"). Oh, Star. I heart you THIS MUCH!!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

HA ha! Gwen Stefani just found out that her hideous, possibly-bi, no-longer-famous husband Gavin Rossdale is the father of a LOVE CHILD! Richard "Dick" Johnson reports that:

"There's no doubt about it — the hubby of rocker Gwen Stefani is the father of a secret, 15-year-old love child, a new report claims. The bombshell news was delivered to Stefani, the sexy blonde singer with No Doubt, after DNA tests confirmed Gavin Rossdale, who fronts the band Bush, is the dad of teen fashion model Daisy Lowe, the Mirror of London says. The mother of the girl is singer and designer Pearl Lowe, who had a fling with Rossdale in the late '80s.

'Yes, it's true, but out of respect to all parties concerned, I've no further com ment,' Rossdale told the newspaper. Pearl also confirmed that Rossdale is the dad. Friends said the shocker has been "devastating" to Stefani, who wed Rossdale six years ago, but as yet has no children with him. At the time of their wedding, she told an interviewer, 'I do think about babies and kids all the time and we really want them.' Stefani, 35, is now on the brink of Hollywood stardom, playing Jean Harlow in the upcoming biopic about Howard Hughes, "The Aviator," with Leonardo DiCa prio in the title role.

For years, Pearl had wondered whether Rossdale was Daisy's father and after several legal letters were exchanged, he agreed to take a DNA test to settle the suspicion once and for all. 'It was never about getting Gavin's money or anything like that. It was about finding Daisy's real dad,' an insider told the newspaper. 'She has always had slight suspicions. . .' Daisy, who is signed with the Select model agency, lives with Pearl and her husband, rocker Danny Goffey, the drummer with Supergrass."

Hee hee! First of all, I LOVE that they are totally implying that Gwen is barren, because obviously Gavin is not shootin' blanks! But I can't believe what a busy bee ole Gavin was during the '80s--he was famously "outed" by Boy George in his autobiography for having had an affair with Boy Marilyn back in the day! Ha ha ha! Gwen sure can pick 'em!

Friday, October 15, 2004

WHEW! Our long national nightmare is over. Tara Reid IS on Nicky Hilton's birthday party guest list! Thank God. Richard "Dick" Johnson reports that:

"The brunette Hiltie is inviting her best pals to join her this weekend at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, where the itinerary includes a blackjack tournament, Jeff Beacher's comedy show, a golf tournament, dinner at Simon's and, of course, loads of beauty therapy. Expected are Bijou Phillips, Nicky's scandal-plagued sister Paris, TARA REID and her new beau, clothing label 2 B Free designer Cedric Benaroch, and Nicole Richie — who we hear is engaged to her boyfriend DJ AM. All the ladies will receive complimentary diamond bracelets from ice.com." [emphasis mine, naturellment]

Please, please, PLEASE let there be a Nation of Islam National Convention in Vegas that weekend, so that P Hole can show her true colors at last. Salaam!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I hate to use the "P" word in mixed company, but Paris Hilton is all over the non-news AGAIN. I think from now on I'm going to call her P Hole. After denying that she's a racist and used the "n" word on her second-to-last sexcapade tape (there is apparently a THIRD tape floating around--is this girl capable of having sex WITHOUT a camera present?), now she's under fire from Brandon Davis, oily oil heir and boyfriend of talentlesss, scrawny "O.C" starlet Mischa Barton. It's the lead story on Page Six:

"Hollywood oil heir Brandon Davis just poured gasoline on the Paris Hilton N-word furor, claiming that Hilton regularly uses the racial slur as well as slurs against other minorities.

Davis, an old friend of Hilton who had a falling out with her this year, came forward after it was reported that Hilton used the N-word in a scene caught on videotape. Hilton later issued a statement saying, "Anyone who knows me knows that this is not me. I love everybody and am not a person who discriminates against anyone — ever."

But Davis tells this week's National Enquirer: "Not true. She was forever using the 'N-word.' I told her not to use it. It was offensive. But she just laughed. She is a racist, plus an idiot. Every black person she referred to was a 'n- - - - -.' "

Davis, the grandson of recently deceased oil billionaire and movie mogul Marvin Davis and boyfriend of "O.C." starlet Mischa Barton, continued, "She uses the word all the time, and I've known her all of her life. It's 'n- - - - - this' and 'n- - - - - that.' She's a disgrace. She is a racist!

"She puts down Jews and other minorities, too. And I'm Jewish. I found it depressing . . . I finally had enough of her attitude six months ago, and I finished with her. I don't want anything to do with her. I don't need anything from her. She is no longer my friend. She's just not a nice person."

Davis said that he never heard Hilton use racist language around her best friend and "Simple Life" co-star Nicole Richie, who is black. 'I know Nicole,' Davis said. 'She is a very good person."'"

Now, why a gazillionaire like Brandon Davis would run to a tabloid like The National Enquirere instead of a well-respected purveyor of non-news such as Star or Us Weekly, well, I don't know, it seems a little fishy to MOI. However, I am totally willing and able to believe EVERY SINGLE WORD! I would find it a lot harder to believe that she WASN'T constantly using the "n" word at every opportunity. God, I loathe her. And she somehow just gets more and more and MORE famous with each passing nano-second! I have to say, though, that my negative feelings toward the constantly pouting and needing-to-tuck-in-his-hideous-shirts Brandon Davis have mildly improved with this tirade against P Hole. Kudos, Mr. Davis, kudos!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Check out the perv! Go to
  • The Smoking Gun

  • and peruse the papers filed today in the sexual harrassment suit against repellent Fox News "star" Bill O'Reilly. But make sure you haven't eaten anything for a while, because it's SOOOOOOO GROSS! Ewww! Seriously, I almost barfed. Then giggled. Then felt dirty and had to take a shower. Then felt barfy again.

    In other non-news, Nicky Hilton's sacred, holy wedded bliss may already be coming to a tragic end. I had a hot tip from an anonymous source that there might be trouble in paradise, and sure enough, USA Today, citing Us Weekly (hee hee) reports that Nicky Hilton's quickie Vegas wedding to boring non-celeb older man Todd Meister is on the road to annullment; AKA, Nicky is about to "pull a Britney":

    "Hilton (Paris' little sis) and Meister, 33, are 'working on an annulment,' the magazine reports, and there are no hard feelings between them. He lives in New York and she's in L.A. The main reason for the split, Us reports: At 21, it's just not a good time for Hilton to be a wife...

    Questions about the young socialite's marriage were raised Oct. 2 at a John Kerry event, where she wasn't wearing her estimated 9- to 12-carat diamond wedding ring. Us reports that when asked whether she was still married, Hilton replied, 'Am I?' Us reports Hilton has returned the family heirloom, which is worth at least $1 million...

    Meister is among more than 200 guests invited to Vegas' Hard Rock Hotel & Casino this weekend for Nicky's 21st birthday celebration. (Her actual birthday was Oct. 5.)

    Also on the guest list: Paris, the girls' parents, and buddies Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Bijou Phillips."

    There IS something odd about the poor guy needing an invitation to his own wife's birthday party. But the thing that strikes me the most about this heartbreaking tragedy: Where the hell is Tara Reid on that stellar guest list? Huh? The whole thing is an outrage! Especially the part about Nicky turning 21. I thought she was at least 45 years old.
    No posts until later, I'm afraid, as I have to go out of town. I will leave you with a wee tidbit, though: Apparently Britney Spears wants to change her name to Britney Federline, according to CNN. If she kills her own career, will she be able to use the "Cheeto Defense?" Because seriously, she is losing her mind. And I LOVE it!

    Tuesday, October 12, 2004

    OMG. I was just Googling the name "Jah Wolf" to try and track down the cryptic baby talk of creepy blind model wannabe Amanda from "America's Next Top Model" (yes, I admit it, I have NO LIFE!) and found THIS from a 2002 Austin Chronicle fashion column by Stephen Moser:

    "One of Austin's premier beauties, model Amanda Mellard, announces the debut of her little bundle of joy, Elijah Wolf O'Connell. Jah Wolf (more affectionately known as Goat Boy) was conceived on 9/11 and born, via c-section, on June 7 at 4:39pm. At 6lbs., 14oz., Goat Boy was 20 inches, with blue eyes and barely a hint of blond peach fuzz. As the proud mama says, 'He's the Gerber baby incarnate -- now when's the next fashion show? I'm ready to work again!'

    So Blind Diva Bitch is from Austin! AND I PROBABLY MET HER AT THE CLUB DE VILLE FASHION SHOW(S)! Oh. My. God.
    From the "I Need To Hang Out At the Crystal, Minnesota VFW Hall" file comes this report from CNN:

    "CRYSTAL, Minnesota (AP) -Police responding to a call of a convulsing Elvis Presley impersonator soon found themselves in a high-speed chase of another faux celebrity -- a man dressed as one of the Blues Brothers.

    Crystal Police Capt. Dave Oyaas said the bizarre string of events began when officers were called to a veterans hall Monday morning to find a man dressed as Elvis Presley apparently in convulsions.

    When the officers approached, Oyaas said the man suddenly jumped up and yelled, "Viva Las Vegas!" before singing show tunes.

    At about the same time, two women said another man at the veterans hall dressed as John Belushi's character in "The Blues Brothers" had stolen their car and driven to a nearby airport.

    The man led police on a high-speed chase around the airport before officers forced him to stop and arrested him.

    "It's one of those things that you stop and scratch your head, and you think that 'Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"' Oyaas said.

    Oyaas said charges pending against the men could include disorderly conduct, fleeing police and drunken driving.

    The men had been drinking together at the VFW before police arrived. Blood tests will show how much, but Oyaas said, 'I would venture to say quite a bit.'"

    Of all the things about this story that I love--and there are great many--my favorite is that the Elvis impersator sang SHOW TUNES to the cops. A fellow "That's Entertainment!" fan, perhaps? A kindred spirit? Soulmate? Alas, I will probably never know...Adieu, mon ami, adieu. Sigh.
    I love, love, LOVE it when celebs lash out at each other in print! Roseanne is on a rampage, AGAIN, this time about Dr. Phil! I'm not a huge Roseanne fan (although I did enjoy the first few seasons of her sit-com), but now that she's gone on this anti-Dr. Phil rant, I'm beginning to like her more and more! Just check out the sublime beauty of this headline from Page Six:

    "ROSEANNE: 'DR. PHIL IS HITLER'"

    Here's more:

    "Roseanne has nothing but bile for tubby TV talkmeister Dr. Phil: 'I want to go on record and say that I hate Dr. Phil and I would fight a grudge match with him if I were a wrestler,' she rants to Chaunce Hayden's Steppin' Out magazine. 'Dr. Phil is just a used car salesman with barnyard psychology. Once he turns off those cameras, nobody does anything that he says. He's a fat slob talking about how to lose weight. Who wants to hear that? . . . I just hate Dr. Phil and his wife! I shouldn't go off like this, but he's just so stupid and the cause of the dumbing down of America. It's so purely evident if you just watch five minutes of this guy. He's just a huckster used car salesman, scam artist . . . I'd like to knock the [bleep] out of him! Dr. Phil is Hitler! I think he's Hitler reincarnated! When Dr. Phil and his wife had President Bush and his wife on their show, it was probably the scariest thing ever seen on television.' Roseanne also ruminates on turning 50: 'I do miss PMS — it was the only time of the month I could be myself.'"

    OK, that last line I could have done without. TOO MUCH INFORMATION, ROSEANNE! But the rest is awesome! I saw clips of the Bush interview with Dr. Phil on "The Daily Show," and Roseanne is right--they were really, really scary! I don't know if, in fact, Dr. Phil IS the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, but he certainly seems like some kind of evil mind-controller who is lulling the populace with his "down-home," totally insane advice. Lose weight? Get healthy, mentally and physically? He's a MADMAN! He must be stopped!

    By the way, there's that Steppin' Out magazine again. What is it with the Joe Jackson fans? They get their own magazine now? Are they taking over the world, like Dr. Phil?

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    This is SO adorable! Richard "Dick" Johnson reportst that:

    "Morrissey cut his show short at Radio City Music Hall Sunday night after a security man roughed up a fan. The Maestro of Mope was in the middle of an encore — "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" — when a spectator jumped onstage and was immediately tackled by a bouncer. "Boo to the bouncers!" Morrissey urged, as he leaned into the crowd and shook the fan's hand, reports The Post's Mary Huhn. The cult crooner — who gave shout-outs to his "friend" Nancy Sinatra and joked that he was gathering signatures for a "Jon Stewart for president" petition — left the stage right after the bouncer's buzz-kill, sending his delirious followers back into their usual state of gloom."

    Morrissey loves his fans--AND Jon Stewart! He should totally go on "The Daily Show!" Terri R. and I would pee our pants! Ricky M. would need sedation.

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    One of Mozzer's delirious followers. God, I love the internet!

    Speaking of Terri R., we entered new realms of geekdom last night by putting our names down for today's release of the "That's Entertainment!" DVD box set. We are going to be co-owners, and we are already working out the schedule if our friendship should ever end. I would get vol. 1 and 4 on mon, wed, and friday. She would get 2 and 3 on tues, thurs. Then we'd switch. I think that's fair.

    I am determined to teach myself tap dancing! I'm bringing back vaudeville-style song and dance--to my living room!

    "Be a clown, be a clown, all the world loves a clown!"



    Monday, October 11, 2004

    Star Jones, who is apparently trying to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for Most Lavish Free Wedding to a Possibly Gay Dude, has been relentlessly plugging her wedding suppliers' products and services so much that ABC freaked out, afraid she might be violating federal broadcasting rules. Star, who as one of the original "The View" ladies, has to be super, SUPER rich, is hellbent on having her insanely over-the-top sacred, holy nuptials provided entirely for free, in exchange for View plugs. Now, I love a bargain as much as the next person, but this is just getting TACKY. Richard "Dick" Johnson reports:

    "ABC has put a halt to Star ("Bride-zilla") Jones' greedy on-air plugging of her wedding suppliers to make sure the mentions don't violate FCC rules.

    As Jones' Nov. 13 wedding to Al Reynolds draws nearer, Star has run afoul of her network bosses because everything connected with the wedding — invitations, flowers, dresses, makeup, hairdressing — Jones got for free in return for promises of publicity.

    One angry vendor — who claims Jones guaranteed to do a segment on "The View" about products going into her "goodie bag" — recently received an e-mail from ABC daytime director Randall Barone.

    Barone's e-mail stated: "I understand that you have made arrangements to provide certain products for inclusion in a segment on 'The View' regarding Star Jones' bridal party gift bag. That segment will not be airing on 'The View,' nor will these products appear on 'The View.' "

    The vendor then got an e-mail from Jones, which stated: "I have recently been informed that 'The View' has re-evaluated its needs and does not plan to include this [wedding] segment . . . and thus will not be able to give you the thanks you very much deserve [for contributing to her goodie bag.]

    "Not to worry . . . My public relations firm (PMK) and I have agreed to do several segments with one of the major syndicated evening entertainment programs . . . Further, [we] are in the process of deciding which print . . . outlet that we will give the photo of the goodie bag and its contents to."

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    The vendor was unimpressed with Star's promises and pulled out of the "goodie bag."

    Karl Nilsson, a rep for "The View," said: "We consider the wedding-related segments [that have already aired] . . . to be of legitimate interest to the viewer, and we believe that full disclosure regarding any promotional consideration was made, consistent with the law and industry practice."

    Jones fumed to PAGE SIX: "I can assure you I have done nothing illegal, immoral or unethical and more importantly, nothing ABC has not agreed to and signed off on! I can assure you I never personally promised a segment on 'The View.' "

    When we asked if there was anything in her wedding she had actually paid for, Jones snarled: "My wedding is my business — it's not your business . . . In case you haven't figured it out, I can do whatever I choose to do with my wedding!"

    AAAAAAH! The Bridezilla is on a rampage! Grab your goodie bag and run for your lives!!! What I love most of all is that Star, who is constantly reminding everyone that she is a lawyer, states that what is "more important" than her doing anything illegal, immoral or unethical is that ABC signed off on everything she did! Hee hee!

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    Friday, October 08, 2004

    First up: Matt LeBlanc wants the world to know that he couldn't be LESS gay. No, there is no one on Earth LESS gay than him. How not gay is he? Let him count the ways: Um, let's see, he's straight, he hasn't had sex with men EVER, he's straight, he's not bisexual, he's not gay, he loves women, women, and only women, and--oh, yeah!--he's straight. Why, he is SO not gay, he even has a wife and child to prove it! The IMDB has further insight into LeBlanc's non-gaydom:

    "Former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is fighting allegations he once hired a chauffeur to set him up with backseat gay sex trysts, by insisting he has never had sex with a man. LeBlanc is furious with former driver Damian Plumleigh after the chauffeur took his story to American tabloid National Enquirer and even passed a lie detector test as he revealed all about the actor's alleged seedy past. LeBlanc insists he doesn't care what the results of a polygraph test were - Plumleigh is a liar. The actor, who is a happily married father and stepfather, fumes, "I have never asked to be set up with gay hustlers. It's absolutely not true. I am not bisexual. I am not gay. I have never had sex with men. Setting the record straight is not only important because of me and my life, but also because of my family." The outraged star insists even Plumleigh's claims he used to work for the actor are untrue. He adds, 'Plumleigh drove me on a few occasions. When he says he hooked me up for gay sex, it's a 100 percent lie. He worked for the company that Warner Brothers used. He was part of a hired limo service. He was not employed by me. I was uncomfortable with him so I stopped using him.'"

    Uh, Matt, ever heard the phrase "he doth protest too much?" The more you say you're not gay, the gayer you sound! And going on an "I am SO not gay" rant just adds fuel to the fire! You might as well be sippin' Perrier! Put on a dress, why don't you! The chauffeur is telling a "100 percent lie?" That sounds JUST LIKE O.J.'s "absolutely 100 percent" not guilty plea! You are digging your own gay grave, Matt LeBlanc! Just lay low, man. Keep your mouth shut, take the beard wife and kid for a stroll, and lay off the hustlers for a while, and everything will be kopacetic again. Maybe.

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    The lead story in today's Page Six column is Lindsay Lohan's lowlife dad lashing out at the "lowlifes" who surround his daughter. Who, unlike him, don't have restraining orders out against them on two coasts (I'm assuming):

    "Michael Lohan — the disputatious dad of Lindsay Lohan — says his reputation is being unfairly destroyed by the "lowlifes" living off his daughter.

    'Her friends are parasites and I said so, so they scorn me,' Lohan told PAGE SIX yesterday after appearing in Nassau County Supreme Court on charges he assaulted his brother-in-law last May. 'They're trying to put a wedge between me and my daughter.'

    Lohan — who agreed to enter drug and alcohol rehab within the next three weeks to avoid jail time — said, 'I don't have a drinking problem.'

    He said his relationship with Lindsay is fine: 'We love each other. But the people around her are lowlifes. It's all dese, dem or dose. I have tapes you won't believe, and I'll release them at the proper time.'

    Lohan blames Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, for spreading rumors that he's an out-of-control alcoholic with anger-management issues. 'Leslie Sloane is a phony,' Lohan said. 'We don't like each other one bit.' Zelnick declined to comment.

    He gave a detailed account of the night two weeks ago when he 'happened to be passing by' and saw his wife, Dina, the mother of his four children and manager of Lindsay's career, coming out of her Midtown office at 2 p.m. He followed her to Cipriani.

    'I wanted to talk to her about the kids, but she wouldn't stop,' Lohan recalled. 'I talked to the maitre d' and told him, 'Don't let her drink. She drove here.' "

    When she wasn't at the family home in Baldwin, L.I., by 9 p.m., Lohan said, 'I called her on the cellphone and she was sloshed. I thought the kids were with her, so I called the cops.'

    Dina arrived home an hour later and Michael pulled into the driveway behind her. 'She tried to jump the curb and nearly ran me over,' Lohan said. 'Dina's assistant, Ann Occhupinti, got out of the car and said, 'You want a piece of me?' She's 200-plus pounds. She's bigger than me. I backed away.'

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    Lohan, who filed a complaint of reckless endangerment with Nassau County cops, said by the time the police came to give Dina a Breathalyzer, 'she was already at her mother's place. She was hiding from the police.

    'My lawyer, Dominic Barbara, and Nassau Asst. DA Barbara Kornblau have been fantastic in getting to the bottom of this.'

    Det. Robert Pescitelli confirmed, 'It's an open case that's being investigated.'"

    Jeez, this guy is totally creeping me out! He's stalking his ex-wife, beating up his brother-in-law, TAPING his daughter and her friends, refusing to admit he's an alcoholic, accusing EVERYONE ELSE of being an alocholic, and is just a huge nutball all the way around. Poor Lindsay! No wonder she hangs out with Tara Reid! She has to drink and party and get boobjobs and whatnot to take the pain away!

    Dick Johnson also reports that psychotic Amazon from hell Naomi Campbell may have to kick some serious American ass very soon:

    "Is Usher stepping out on his new gal pal, Naomi Campbell? Our loose-lipped tipster says the pop superstar may still have feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Chilli, who dumped him after she discovered he was cheating on her. A source on tour with Usher tells us that at a recent gig in North Carolina, the studly singer enjoyed a steamy reunion with her. 'He rushed off stage at the end of one show, wrapped his arms around Chilli who was waiting in the wings, and gave her a long, lingering kiss,' we're told. A rep for Usher said, 'That is not true.'"

    Yeah, you better deny that shit, Usher, or Naomi Campbell will commence to beating both you AND Chilli about the face and head with a cell phone! She is the Black Widow Spider! Run for your lives! AAAAAAAAH!

    And, finally, we have another installment of "Shut Your Face Gwyneth 'Flapjacks' Paltrow" from the IMDB:

    "Gwyneth Paltrow refuses to interfere with her husband Chris Martin's band Coldplay, because she's scared of becoming his 'Yoko Ono'. The actress can sing, and even performed in the 2000 movie Duets, but she fears if their careers cross paths it could cause problems within the band and their marriage. Paltrow says, 'People ask if I will sing with the band or do a duet, but always in the front of my mind is the Yoko effect. I don't want to be known as the girl who split up Coldplay. Music is one area that he doesn't give me advice on because that's starting to encroach on each other's career. The sure way for a marriage to start hitting problems is when you start sharing careers as well. We have an understanding that our careers must be kept apart.'"

    God, I don't even know where to begin. First of all, Coldplay is to the Beatles what Billy Ray Cyrus is to Johnny Cash. So shut up, Gwyneth! Secondly, you are totally already a Yoko. Everyone hates you, especially Coldplay fans, whoever they might be. So shut up, Gwyneth! And lastly, JUST SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!! AAAAAAAH! (If you could see me now, I've officially collapsed to the floor in a temper tantrum.) I. Hate. Her. So. Much.

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    Thursday, October 07, 2004

    America's Next Top Model: Episode 3.

    In this installment, we have a LOT of tears, naturellement. First up, the wannabe models have to get makeovers, and the crying starts before one hair has been cut. Some of the girls fall to the floor in pre-makeover angst, agonizing over the loss of follicular length. Tears, tears, and more tears! There is wailing, keening, and sobbing. Then some more wailing. THEN the makeovers begin. MORE TEARS. Except for one or two notable exceptions: Amanda, the Blind Girl, gets her long mousy hair dyed a truly hideous shade of yellowy/orangey blonde, and she is suddenly transformed from baby-talking hipppie mom Blind Girl into Blind Diva Bitch! She falls in love with herself before our very eyes and starts vogueing and striking poses for no apparent reason, and tells the camera that the other girls have noted her "boost in self confidence" and don't like it one bit.

    Brace Face gets her braces taken off--but there was nary a mention of whether she SHOULD have them taken off--they just yanked them outta there and sent her on her merry way. There was some talk of a retainer, but still...Oh, and Kelle gets a weave.

    Then the girls have to have their "Beauty Portrait" taken, which means a close-up face shot with NO MAKEUP! YaYa, my favorite wannabe model, starts to freak out because she has pimples on her forehead. Earlier they had taken her to a dermatologist who did unspeakable things to her face, and it was so sad because she said it was the first time she'd ever gotten to go to one. Aww, YaYa! She actually thought the Beauty Portrait was a personal attack on her and her skin condition, but I have it on good authority that they do one every season. Each girl was given a makeup lesson by Mr. Jay--relentlessly hawking Cover Girl cosmetics ad nauseum--and then had her au naturelle no-makeup picture taken. Odd.

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    YaYa's Beauty Portrait!

    In the mean time, mucho DRAMA is building around the Oklahoma Stripper, who apparently never eats. Ever. There are lots of shots of her ordering Diet Coke after Diet Coke, and handing off a potato at dinner ("I haven't had a potato since I was a baby") and the other girls talking on-camera and to each other about her potential eating disorder. THEN Oklahoma Stripper makes the fatal mistake of telling Blind Diva Bitch that she "used to be" bulemic--in STRICTEST CONFIDENCE, of course. Naturally, Blind Diva Bitch goes running to anyone who will listen and tells them of Oklahoma Stripper's terrible secret. There is one scene where two or three of the girls are standing around discussing this, and Oklahoma Stripper is laying on a couch, eavesdropping! Everyone finds out that Blind Diva Bitch is a big blabbermouth snitch, and so she goes into a shame spiral, sobbing on the phone to her mother that she "did a bad thing" and everyone rightfully hates her guts. She fails to mention the complete personality change brought about by her hideous blonde makeover. Finally, Oklahoma Stripper confronts the group en masse and tells them that she "can't even remember the last time" she threw up, and that her bulimia is merely a thing of the past, and to stop talking about her. A lot of "once a bulemic, always a bulemic" talk ensues.

    Back to the competition! Mr. Jay introduces them to yet another Cover Girl spokesmodel, and together they tell the girls that they have to jump into a limo, fight over clothes and makeup, and whoever looks best when they arrive at a party in ten minutes wins a prize. The spokesmodel says that this is totally what a model's life is like. They all jump into the stretch SUV and literally dive over each other, pulling out clothes and cosmetics and trying not to poke their eyes out with eyeliner. Mr. Jay and the Cover Girl are waiting for them at an "industry" party, and the two judges take leave of their senses and pick Former Brace Face as the winner, and she picks her roomates as her co-winners. The winners get to put on fancy gowns and guzzle champagne and hobnob with the "industry" insiders. The rest of the gals have to put on caterer's uniforms and serve them hors d'ouvres! It turns out that one of the designers at the party is Indian, so Julie, the Indian Wannabe Model, does this whole "my mother is such a crazy Indian lady" schtick for him that is quite distasteful, especially since it is not even remotely funny. She also insists on commandeering the belly-dancing, much to my horror.

    Finally, the girls are brought out in front of the panel of judges: Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake And I'm Perfect" Dickerson, English Dude, Tyra Banks, Guy With Dog on Velvet Pillow, and Makeup Guy With Walrus Mustache. They tell the girls to go back and make up half their faces with a daytime, natural look and the other half with a dramatic, night-time look. Do models EVER have to do their own make up? I'm just asking. When they return, lookin' freaaaaaky, each girl has to come up and have their Beauty Portrait evaluated. Tyra makes a big speech about how much re-touching a model needs can make or break her career--advertisers hate to pay for touch-ups, so the less you need the better. Things are looking ominous for YaYa! OMG. Anyway, they do this thing where they show a picture with and without retouching--with White Girl on The Inside Kelle, Janice Dickerson was cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West as she went back and forth with her face. It WAS rather horrifying. Then Tyra makes some negative comment about Kelle's photo and that's when Kelle makes her BIG MISTAKE!!!She says the photographer must have chosen a bad picture, because people tell her all the time what a pretty face she has!! Tyra is appalled. She will not have this. She goes into Fierce Tyra Mode and rips into Kelle, telling her that she needs to learn from whatever criticism is hurled at her AND to not blame others for her terrible Beauty Portrait, AND WORST OF ALL says that Kelle isn't "growing." (Although, with the weave, her hair most certainly is. But I digress.) Models have to GROW, people! When will they learn? WHEN?

    After all the build-up, YaYa's trial-by-fire is pretty tame, thank god. Go YaYa, go! The next big drama comes with Julie, the Indian Wannabe Model. Janice asks her what she wants out of this whole experience, and like a fool she answers that she wants to learn about the fashion business so she can eventually go into clothing manufacturing!! Oh, no she di'nt! Well, the judges were simply FLOORED. It was like she had taken a big dump right in front of their table! They could not believe that being a model was not her number one career goal, her dream of dreams, her heart's one desire. Oooh, she goofed BIG time! Never tell the TRUTH, you idiot! Especially to a man with a dog on a velvet pillow!

    They send the girls away and the real critiques begin. We hear Janice talk about how she feels about "plus size" girls wearing couture (HATES IT!), and hear her call Former Brace Face a "parakeet." (Giggle, giggle.)

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    Parakeet or supermodel? You decide!

    For some unknown reason, they ALL adore Blind Diva Bitch and think she is "stunning." Have they been hypnotized by her almost-unseeing eyes? Is she a Blind Witch, too? She's starting to scare me. Much discussion ensues about Kelle's lack of growth as a human being and a model, and Indian Julie's wanting to be in manufacturing. The girls are brought back out. Oooh, the tension!

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    Don't look into the eyes! DON'T LOOK INTO THE EYES!!!AAAAAAH!

    So of course the final two are Kelle and Julie. They both get stern lectures from Tyra. They are told that they had the worst two Beauty Portraits in the bunch. Kelle is, of course, berated for not growing. Julie is harangued for wanting to make clothes, not model them. In the end, the one that is cut from the show is...Julie! She laments to the camera, as she is packing her bags, that this is the first time she had told the truth and it blew up in her face...suggesting that she is some kind of pathological liar...huh? Wha? In the mean time, Kelle parrots back Tyra's words that she "can do better," much to Tyra's approval.

    Next Week: The girls have to learn runway walking from Miss J, who seems to be wearing a flour sack dress and Little Orphan Annie headbow. There is potential for much falling-down, especially from Blind Diva Bitch! I can't wait!
    OK. None of the people involved in the following story are particularly famous, but they ARE part of "The Botox Trial of the Decade," so I am SO there. Actually, I had already read an in-depth story in Vanity Fair about the case, which involves uber-high-maintenance Hollywood Wife Irina Medavoy and dermatologist-to-the-stars Dr. Arnie Klein.

    The basic story is that Irina, who suffers from severe migraines from her really tough life being fabulously rich, was given Botox by the good doctor--apparently anectdotal, non-clinical evidence shows that Botox relieves migraine pain--but he gave her way too much and she had all kinds of health problems that she thought were directly related to the Botox overdose. Dr. Arnie, it turns out, is a paid consultant for Allergen, the wonderful folks who make Botox. Now, once Irina came out with her accusations, all of surgered Hollywood took sides--most against Irina and for their beloved provider of frozen foreheads and duck lips. Now the trial has finally begun, and it's a real humdinger! In fact, it's Richard "Dick" Johnson's lead story:

    "The Botox trial of the decade....reached such a crescendo during closing arguments this week that the defendant lost control of his bladder.

    Medavoy, 45-year-old wife of producer Mike Medavoy, has accused Klein of overdosing her with Botox while trying to treat her migraines. Instead of curing the headaches, Medavoy claims that Klein, 59, made them even worse. Allergen, the maker of Botox, is a co-defendant in the L.A. case.

    Elizabeth Taylor led a contingent of patients who stood up for Klein throughout the five-week trial, but the pressure apparently got to him. According to courtroom witnesses, Klein was so nervous before the case went to the jury late Tuesday, he lost control of his bladder while in his chair.

    "Yes, it's true," said one observer." Klein was temporarily whisked outside...

    But Klein isn't the only one who seems to have excretory issues. During the trial, Medavoy was called to the stand by Weissman, who tried to portray her as a hypochondriac. The former model/actress admitted she suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome, vertigo, anorexia and a spastic bowel — conceding, "I go to doctors a lot."

    Medavoy's supporters include Arianna Huffington — who said Medavoy was "incredibly brave" for taking on a drug maker — and Cheryl Saban, the wife of "Power Rangers" media magnate Haim Saban.

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    Medavoy's lawyers tried to prove Klein didn't warn her of the known risks of Botox, or disclose that he was a paid consultant for Allergen. She testified that after one treatment in March 2002, she got a headache "like somebody put a three-sizes-too-small helmet on you."

    The leggy blonde said she was incapacitated for four months. She told Vanity Fair last year that she could not be in the light and could not have sex with her husband.

    Medavoy's lawyer said that when she called Klein to complain, the doctor said, "I did too much." Benice added: 'Our position is that she was overdosed.'"

    Isn't that a pisser? (Hello? Is this mic on? Ooooh, tough room!) But seriously, ladies and germs, don't you just LOVE a leggy blonde rich lady with a Slavic name who has chronic fatigue syndrome, vertigo, anorexia, a spastic bowel, and migraines? Don't you bet Mike Medavoy curses his fate every day they are married? Next Up: Dr. Arnie Klein releases his bowels after a confused Liz Taylor collapses on the stand during her emotional testimony that Botox would never harm a child at his Neverland ranch! Stay tuned...

    Wednesday, October 06, 2004

    Jeez, I get a little touch of food poisoning and the whole celebrity world goes crazy! First of all, Rodney Dangerfield and Janet Leigh: RIP. I hope Rodney gets some respect in the Big Room Upstairs. Janet Leigh: You were fabulous in "Psycho," "The Manchurian Candidate" and "Touch of Evil," plus I'm sure lots of other movies I haven't seen. Also, you gave birth to possible hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis. Rodney and Janet: You shall both be missed. A moment of silence, please...


    OK, we're back! In MUCH less somber non-news, we had yet ANOTHER temper tantrum from Dame Elton John, yippee! This time her wrath was aimed at Madonna--DOUBLE yippee!! It seems Elton has taken umbrage with Esther's habit of lip-synching at her concerts. Now we get word that Madge's bestest friend Rupert Everett has come to her defense by calling Elton "bossy and cranky" which is a little like calling him "a flamboyant piano player"--thanks for the hot tip, Rupert! The IMDB reports:

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    Any excuse to put up a funny picture of Elton John!

    "Rupert Everett has accused Sir Elton John of being "bossy and cranky" after he criticized his pal Madonna for lip-synching on her Re-invention world tour. The British actor became close friends with Madonna when the pair teamed up in film flop The Next Best Thing and he has stepped in to defend her after Elton attacked the singer during the Q Awards ceremony in London. Bitchy Elton slammed Madonna for charging fans upwards of £75 to see her perform and then lip-synching certain songs - criticism Everett has taken to heart. He fires back, 'I don't understand what he's got against her because this is the second time he's stuck into her a bit. That seems really unfair to me. Listen, any singer who dances all the time, you don't have the breath to sing all the time. Everyone knows that. It's unfair to make it a point. If you do a heavy dance routine, at some point you're going to do a bit of lip-synch. But everybody does that. Madonna sings everything she can sing but, if she goes into a dance routine, she's got to dance; you can't breathe and dance and sing at the same time. She doesn't lip-synch her whole performance. I bet Elton has lip-synched moments of his performance, even though he's at a piano all the time. He's very bossy these days, I think. I mean he's lovely but he's a bit bossy and he does seem a bit cranky.'

    When did Rupert Everett get so whiney and long-winded? Blah, blah, yadda, yadda, YADDA. We get it! It is SO hard to be Madonna! And oooh, I bet she is PISSED that Rupert insists she HAS to take breaks from singing so she can dance her heart out onstage--she just paid her publicist to say that she has done NO LIP-SYNCHING on this tour!!!Plus the implication is that she is not FIT enough to do sing and dance at the same time! OOOOH!

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    Any excuse to put up a funny picture of Rupert Everett!

    As long as we're dealing with Brits (and wannabe Brits), how about some good old-fashioned mud-slinging amongst erstwhile English roses? Someone named Sienna Guillory is talking major trash about Kate Beckinsale!! I don't know who you are, but Sienna Guillory, I think you have a glorious future ahead of you! You have won me over with your sizzling talent--at hurling insults! WENN says:

    "'Resident Evil: Apocalypse' beauty Sienna Guillory is dishing dirt on fellow British actress Kate Beckinsale. 'In Hollywood, women hate each other,' Guillory is quoted on imdb.com. 'Everyone is so bitchy, and they don't want younger actresses coming in and taking their roles. You only have to look at what it's done to Kate Beckinsale. She used be cool. Now I've heard she's got a clause in her contract saying that she can't be filmed bending over at more than a 45-degree angle because her boob implants slide up onto her collar bone.' Beckinsale's agent Jane Brand shot back, 'Kate has no such clause in her contracts and she has categorically not had breast implants.'

    Well, let's examine the evidence shall we?

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    I'm fairly certain that anything more than a 45-degree angle would KILL this lady. She would suffocate in her own cleavage, and would have to try and find what little oxygen she could in the troughs of those stretch marks that the implants left behind. The ones she has "categorically" not had, that is.

    Over here across the pond, we are all gearing up for Martha Stewart to start her prison term. Now, I'm not one of those people who is gleeful that Martha has to go to jail. But SOME people are quite giddy at the prospect of Martha losing her freedom, not to mention her oft-discussed dignity...such as Richard "Dick" Johnson, who breathlessly reports on one of the procedures Martha will have to endure:

    "Martha Stewart will get her first taste of prison life with a humiliating strip search — including a nude squat-and-cough in front of a female guard, jailhouse sources said. All new inmates to the Alderson, W. Va., prison known as Camp Cupcake get the same exam, done by a guard wearing latex gloves. To prove they're not hiding contraband, the jailbirds must lift their breasts, crouch low with their legs spread and cough. "They also make you hold your arms out and look in your mouth and under your tongue," a recently released inmate told The Post's Brad Hamilton. Stewart must report to the prison by Friday to begin her five-month stint for lying about an insider stock sale."

    Poor Martha. I feel bad for her and all these salacious prison stories. However, I am not above finding and posting a picture that SORT OF suggests the position she will soon have to assume:

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    Albeit without the big smile, I'm sure.

    From the realm of the totally absurd we have this report about the trials and tribulations of getting the "kama sutra of puppet sex scenes" passed by the film ratings board. Yes, Trey Stone and Matt Parker had to cut much of their beloved sex scenes--including a golden shower--from their new puppet movie "Team America." When will the censorship EVER STOP in this country? WHEN? Why is my god-given right to see puppet porn being eroded at every turn by the totalitarian state called AMERIKA? WHY?

    Here's more from CNN:

    "Hollywood's film ratings board reached accord with producers Tuesday over how much puppet sex moviegoers under age 17 are allowed to see in an upcoming action-thriller spoof starring a cast of marionettes.

    'Team America: World Police' received an R rating from the Motion Picture Association of America after producers made several changes to the film to avoid the more restrictive NC-17 label, officials from the MPAA and distributor Paramount Pictures confirmed...

    As initially submitted to the MPAA for review, the film drew a proposed adults-only rating of NC-17, which bars admission to anyone aged 17 or younger in the United States and has long been regarded as box office poison by movie exhibitors...

    According to the Los Angeles Times, the MPAA board and the film's producers were at odds over a scene that depicts simulated sex between the wooden marionettes.

    Producer Scott Rudin told the Times that at least nine variations of the scene in question were submitted, each one progressively less explicit, before the MPAA ultimately relented and approved with an R rating.

    "There's nothing we're asking for that hasn't appeared in other R-rated movies, and our characters are made of wood," Rudin told the newspaper...

    Parker told the newspaper he was surprised that the MPAA seemed more concerned with sex than violence in his film, which he said includes scenes in which a puppet likeness of actor Tim Robbins is set on fire and a Susan Sarandon puppet is dropped from a high-rise building.'"

    Sorry, I can't help but giggle at the idea of setting a Tim Robbins puppet on fire. I like him and Susan Sarandon, and agree with their political stances (cringe-inducing as they may be) but they are RIPE for marionette parody. I'm still pissed they edited the sex scenes, but I'm sure the NC-17 DVD will be available at some point. Sigh. Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose...

    And, finally, it wouldn't be Wednesday if we didn't have a little somethin' somethin' about the Olsen Twins. This time, we get an in-depth analysis by Moby, thanks to Page Six:

    "No less an authority on popular culture than Moby took a moment Monday night at the "Now Art Now" 2004 Whitney Gala to share his ruminations on newly minted New York University students Mary-Kate and Ashley.

    'As far as the whole current crop of shallow, disposable celebrities, the Olsen twins are the only ones who hold my attention for more than five minutes,' the chrome-domed electronica star told Lowdown. 'Just the fact that they're rampantly self-medicating seems so interesting.' He added: 'There's something about them that just seems - not to be melodramatic - but they almost have this desperate, Shakespearean, tragic quality to them.'

    Wait, there's more: 'It's the combination of bizarre adolescent success combined with the fact that they don't seem dumb. Almost every other celebrity under the age of 23 seems like a half-wit.'

    Yesterday, the twins' publicist, Michael Pagnotta, offered this response:

    'That's his evaluation from the outside and that's his opinion and that's okay...Maybe what he means is that he feels medicated by them.'

    But Pagnotta added: 'Those are really interesting observations considering that he doesn't know Mary-Kate and Ashley. It seems like he's really .given it a lot of thought. Maybe a little too much.'

    Yeeesssss, a little too much. I, for one, feel medicated by the Olsen twins ALL THE TIME. They put me into a deep, deep slumber. Especially the fat one.

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    However, I am not blind to their tragic, Shakespearean quality.

    Monday, October 04, 2004

    Looks like someone's got a bad case of the Mondays! Sorry, that would be me. There's not a whole lot of good, fun non-news today, which puts me in a cranky mood. But there is SOME. First up: The IMDB says that Lindsay Lohan's dad pled guilty to assault last week, after beating up a garbage man in NYC:

    "Teen star Lindsay Lohan's father Michael pleaded guilty to assault charges in a Manhattan courtroom on Thursday. The Mean Girls actress' controversial parent stood accused of assaulting a New York city sanitation worker during an altercation on a Manhattan street last year. According to the plaintive, Michael struck him, "several times about the face with closed fists." Judge Richard Weinberg ordered Michael to attend anger management classes - and if he successfully completed the course, the conviction would be wiped from his record when he returns to court on December 9. Michael faces separate assault charges in another case following a fight with Lindsay's uncle Matt Sullivan in May. He said on leaving the courtroom, 'I just want stability for my family. That's what God wants and everybody wants.'"

    Uh, maybe God wants stability for your family, Michael Lohan, but I DON'T. I enjoy your whole family's trashy shennanigans far too much to let it all slip away. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and adopt Tara Reid and Bijou Philips? That would be great, thanks.

    Here's a sad story. The ashes of one of my favorite actresses were found in an antique store. Veronica Lake, who was so great in Preston Sturgess' "Sullivan's Travels" (which heavily influenced the Coen Brothers, who got the name "O Brother Where Art Thou" from a running joke in the Sturgess movie) died completely destitute in 1973 from hepatitis. She was famous for her long blonde hair that fell over one eye, which was so copied during WWII that the War Department had to ban the "Veronica Lake" hairdo from the Rosie the Riveters working in the war munitions factories because it was causing all kinds of safety problems. The IMDB reports:

    "Tragic film legend Veronica Lake's ashes have been discovered in a New York antique store, 30 years after her death....Her ashes were thought to have been scattered off the Florida coastline, but it has emerged some of them have remained on dry land. Laura Levine, who owns Homer and Langley's Mystery Spot in the Catskills, upstate New York, was amazed with the find and is planning a 16 October homage to the late star with Lake lookalikes. Levine says, 'It's a strange little footnote to a fascinating legacy. I'm a huge fan of Veronica Lake. I just think she's brilliant, gorgeous, incredibly talented and underappreciated.'"

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    OK. I hate reports like this that don't give you more details. HOW did they know it was Veronica Lake's ashes? Was there a little nametag or something? Have they done DNA testing? And what were the circumstances? They say the ashes were found in an antique shop and have the quote from the owner of something called Homer and Langely's Mystery Spot--which is what? An antique shop? A crematorium? And how did they stumble upon these ashes? Were they in an urn that said "The Ashes Of Veronica Lake"? In their own store or someone else's? Oh, I could go on and on. If a more thorough account comes to light, I'll pass it on, but really, this just IRKS me no end.

    But not so much that I won't reprint yet another IMDB story. How could I, when it's about Whitney Houston? I'm not made of stone. Sadly, it's all about how clean and sober she has become (I'll believe it when I see it):

    "Whitney Houston is making her singing comeback after almost "throwing it all away" with her addiction to drugs. The ballad singer, 40, is sober after her stint in a rehab clinic in March following several years of non-stop partying with husband Bobby Brown, which saw police being called to their home following a series of domestic bust-ups. Houston explains, 'I've emerged from a long, long fog. I'm clean, I'm sober, I feel reborn and I'm loving life. I came so close to throwing it all away. Now I cherish every second of the day. I have rededicated my life to my family and my career and I am happier now than I can ever remember being. These past three years have been a very long period. I thank God we have emerged back into the light.'"

    Um, did I forget something or was she only in rehab for like two weeks before she skipped out? Is that long enough to emerge back into the light? Maybe she did "secret" rehab, but what would be the point of that, except of course, privacy--but this is a woman whose abusive drug-addicted husband is trying to get his own reality tv show on the air. I really don't think "privacy" is a highly-valued concept chez Houston-Brown. Nor is "stability," "sanity," or "making sense." And thank God for THAT. Don't throw it all away Whitney! Your fans want and need you to be a crazy crack-addled-lesbian-with-an-abusive-beard-husband! Come on, you can do it!

    Saturday, October 02, 2004

    Ah, yes, the all-knowing and all-seeing Felt Uppette was once again proved correct: The new Us Weekly has a statement from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's people about the state of their marriage, after reports that they were about to break up: "Those reports are not true. They are as much in love as ever and are truly committed to their marriage and their relationship." Yadda, yadda, blah blah. Next up: Holy, sacred marriage renewal vows with film crew in tow!

    On the cover: Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz: "Why He Won't Marry Her." I'm going to go out on a limb here....because he's 23 years old? The article says that his family thinks Cameron "parties too much and is too wild for him." There's also the fact that she doesn't particulaly want to get married. Oh. Well, good thing they put this "problem" of theirs on the cover.

    Then there's one of my perennial favorite Us featurettes: Who is tall and who is small in Hollywood. (One year they actually did a comparison with Lord of the Ring hobbits. Ahh, the good old days.) They put pictures of a bunch of stars in a "line up" so you can compare them side by side. This time it's all females stars, DAMN. I LOVE knowing which male celebs are Munchkins (ANSWER: ALL OF THEM.) Mandy Moore is a giantess at 5' 10". She TOWERS over the tiny, tiny Olsen sisters in one hilarious sidebar photo. Hillary Duff, Lil' Kim, Nicole Richie, and Resse Witherspoon are practically midgets (5'2" and under.) Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, and Madonna are short-to-average. Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Julia Roberts, Mischa Barton, Rebecca Romijn, and Paris Hilton are on the tallish side (5'7-9"). Nicole Kidman and Uma Thurman are ginormous freaky Amazons. They also have a little sidebar on J. Lo and her vari-sized paramours; Ben Affleck was tallest at 6'3", while P. Diddy and Cris Judd were both 5'10", and naturally her troll husband Mark Anthony is a wee, wee 5'7", a scant inch taller than J. Lo herself.

    Also interesting is the "Who's The Right Weight?" segment, in which deranged fomer chubbette Brittany Murphy claims she's "always trying to gain weight." Right, right; if by "trying to gain weight" you mean "sticking to a strict all cigarettes/no food speed freak diet" then you are correct, crazy lady. There are side-by-side pictures of Scarlett Johansson, Queen Latifah, and Nicole Kidman, with little quotes that are either about learning to love themselves the way they are (Queen Latifah says "It took me a while to the to the pont where I was comfortable with the rolls on my hips") or outright lying ("I've been like this since I was a little girl"--Nicole Kidman). There are also fun facts like Angelina Jolie (size 2) is too fat for sample clothes; the average model is 5'11" and weighs 117 pounds; and Selma Blair used to be a human toothpick.

    But back to Brittany Murphy. Here's a little before and after to refresh your memory.

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    Now, this next one will really show the great strides this courageous crazy lady has made with her weight-gaining regimine:

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    Good work!

    I want to mention too that throughout this issue--like 50 times--Us insists on referring to the recent Spears/Federline nuptials as a "wedding" or a "faux" wedding, which made me giggle. So did the "A-List Airport Style" section, which showed stars looking like slobs as they disembark from cross-Atlantic airplane rides.

    Added bonus: Gael Garcia Bernal is the "Man of the Week." Swoon!

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    Wow, what is this ancient Joan Rivers drag impersonator doing in a Beverly Hills courtroom? Oh. Right. (Cough, sputter). That's Ms. Courtney Love, age 40. OF COURSE. What was I thinking?

    Friday, October 01, 2004

    Need a little pre-Halloween fright? How about this bone-chilling headline from the IMDB:

    "Benigni To Shoot Iraq Comedy"

    I wish Benigni would just shoot ME and get it over with. Here are--gulp!--more details. (Hope you aren't eating):

    "Acclaimed Italian director and actor Roberto Benigni is about to begin work on a comedy movie set against the backdrop of war-torn Iraq. The Oscar-winning star hopes La Tigre E La Neve will do for the war in Iraq what his Life Is Beautiful did for the Holocaust. In the film Benigni will take the lead role of a poet who gets caught up in events in Iraq in March 2003 when the US launched its attack on Saddam Hussein's regime. He tells Italian radio. "War naturally is the background of the film and my character is directly involved in it after this poet ends up in Iraq by pure chance. What is extraordinary is his vision of the world. This is one person representing all the people in the world." Benigni also makes a veiled attack on the West's role in Iraq: 'Westerners are running the show, all of those doing these things have studied in the West, it is not the Easterners. We know how many dreams the East gives, and how grateful we are to the East and love all its beautiful things.'"

    AAAAAAAAAH! Run for your lives! Roberto Benigni is going to portray a character whose "extraordinary" vision of the world will represent all of mankind! AAAAAAAAAAH!

    I think I would rather have a root canal while watching a non-stop "Battlefield Earth" marathon as someone scratched their nails down a chalkboard and mosquitoes bit my flesh to the bone.

    As you may have gathered by now, I'm not a very big fan of Mr. Benigni's work. Or his HILARIOUS off-screen "antics." But I really thought he'd reached the zenith of his egomania with his the-Holocaust-was-terrible-but-the-human-spirit-shall-live-on-via-me-Roberto-Benigni movie, but apparently I was wrong. NEXT UP: THE PASSION OF THE BENIGNI. (Hard to get yukks out of the crucifixition, but not impossible--see Monty Python for tips, Roberto!) If anyone can't do it, you can't!

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    Mama mia! Please let him be lying about this Iraq movie! PLEASE!